Balancing Act

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October 11, 2012 By Jennifer Lambert 3 Comments

I’ve been reading many posts lately from bloggy friends about their struggles with anger and depression.

While my heart goes out to them, it’s so good to know that I’m not alone. I think it’s important for us to be transparent with our struggles so we can help each other through them. Online communities are great places for us to feel safe to reveal a part of ourselves without judgment. I think Jesus is blessing us through these Christian outreach programs. Moms need outlets and, seriously, who has the time or money to go to therapy? Or a spa?

While I would never confess to my Sunday school class the history or extent of my anger or depression issues, it seems more than ok to blog about it to the world. Are we that anonymous? I feel more love reaching out to me from strangers on the Interwebz than from real world acquaintances.

So, it’s time to get real, y’all.

While most people who know me in real life seem to think I have it all together, I know that I am just moments away from a total breakdown. The balancing act is so fragile that it takes all my efforts to maintain this façade of ease. I have battled depression since my childhood.

I could regale you with all sorts of sad tales of my miserable experiences at school, but I will suffice it to say that I had major anxiety that led to weekly migraines. I am absolutely socially inept. Being raised in the South, this was a nightmare for my socially adept mother. I just didn’t participate in social events. She still has not forgiven me for not attending senior prom.

Education became my escape. It was something I could lose myself in and not have to face reality. I wasted much time taking worthless college classes to postpone graduation. It was an idol. I was not a Christian.

When the inevitable graduation loomed, coupled with the abandonment of a boyfriend (an extremely unhealthy relationship), I attempted suicide.

God had plans for me. I should not have survived.

The resurrection of my life was slow and painful. My relationship with my parents was in shambles. The boyfriend was devastated and confused and regretful.

So we got married.

Misery.

That fear of reality? Oh yeah. Wham, in my face.

So I had a lovely worthless BA in English. I completed my M.Ed. I taught high school English.

We got divorced.

But I have my Elizabeth.

Jesus found me.

I lost five jobs in two years. Unprofessionalism. Anger issues. Relationship issues.

Church people betrayed me.

When I had virtually no prospects for my future, a mortgage, a car payment, a young daughter developing issues of her own…

God brought me Aaron.

And Aaron picked up the pieces. Just like the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme.

It’s so difficult for me to reconcile my past with my present.

My superiority complex means I hate myself more than you could ever…

Jesus forgives but I can never forget.

It took me a looooooong time to get comfortable with this whole stay at home mom thing. It really sucks sometimes that I have all this formal education and no one to whom to impart all this built up knowledge. I get frustrated that I seem to do the same drudgery each and every day with no appreciation. It seems like so little to impact the world. I feel so worthless.

My husband gets to bank blood from American soldiers to pump into wounded soldiers in Afghanistan. It may be hard to take seeing those poor people fight, but at least it’s something more than brainless domestic duties. He’s actively helping people and making a difference in the world.

At least I don’t hide in the closet anymore. God has seen me through terrible times. I am now able to look back at how I’ve grown. Aaron has loved me and saved me from myself. Both loved me before I loved myself. Both know that I am more than I was. Both are healing me.

But still I struggle. I forget. I stumble down that dark hallway. It gets so hard to find my way out again. I see the confused looks on my kids’ faces when I snap at them for no reason or break a promise because I don’t feel well enough or forget to plan a meal. It breaks my heart. I don’t want to be like this. Why does it have to be so difficult?

It shouldn’t be.

So, nowadays I struggle with seemingly silly stuff. (ooh, alliteration!)

I loathe doing dishes. I mean, even loading the dishwasher. It makes me feel all icky to get my hands greasy. It’s my least favorite chore. ew

I really don’t like pushing my two-year-old on the swing in the backyard. I hang my head in shame. I know that makes me the worst mommy ever. I’d really just rather read on the sofa and watch from the window.

I am not a crafter. Messy projects make me cringe. I wish I was more into art. In my head, it looks so appealing, but then I have to clean it all up. Again, the shame!

I struggle a great deal with menu planning and budgeting. I get great ideas. I get inspired (and disgusted) with all the great (and not so great) menu plans online. I don’t bother to post any of mine here because they usually fly out the window. I can stick with a menu for maybe a week. I just drew one up for October and it’s already fallen flat a couple times. We spend way too much money on food. We like to eat well and use all the best ingredients, but it’s getting ridiculous to have tenderloin with six mouths to feed. And bacon prices are going up? Guess we better buy some hogs and go into homesteading or something.

While this is mostly a homeschool blog, there’s only so much I can take with snapping pictures of my kids doing math or looking cute. Most of the time, we just do whatever it takes to get through the day. Again, the guilt sets in when I see all the great science experiments and arts projects all over the blog world. And, y’all, this is beyond the blog envy I recently read about in the blog world. I feel physically ill that I am not a good enough homeschool mama to my darlins because we don’t do all these fun activities.

I just get so overwhelmed sometimes. Attempting to figure how to balance everything: exercising, housework, frugal shopping, blogging, cooking, appearances, homeschooling, flossing. Am I the only one who stresses over flossing? I told my husband tonight that I should just complete all the reviews I have pending and delete the blog because I simply cannot do it all.

But I won’t.

I will wait until this season passes. I will take my vitamins and exercise and read God’s word. I will get through this. These seasons are getting shorter and better. Perhaps someday, they will cease to come at all.

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Love Hurts

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October 5, 2012 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

So, at Katie’s soccer practice, I’m sitting in my van, reading, and I see this mother of 4 boys walking to her van. Two school age, one in the preschool soccer, and a baby. She started screeching at the 2nd one, probably 5 years old or so, to not get dirty. She just berated him. It was really beyond scolding. Her tone was grating and mean. He was dressed neater than the others, so maybe he was going somewhere else afterwards and shouldn’t have gotten dirt on his clothes, shoes, or hands. Of course, I don’t know her circumstances. I don’t know her children. I don’t know what her day has been like. Is her husband deployed or working a late shift? She didn’t speak to her other 3 as far as I knew while loading the baby into his carseat and packing up the stroller. I felt sorry for her eldest. He glanced at me and I smiled forlornly at him. He didn’t return my smile. If she talks to those boys like this in public, what must it be like at home? They’re just little boys. My heart broke.

I know I’ve spoken harshly to my kids. I regret it. I’m sure there have been times I didn’t even apologize. My expectations might be misguided or I might not take into consideration their circumstances or my own. Is she hungry or tired? Does he just need some water? Does she need some alone time away from her siblings to recharge? I know I’m more snappish when I’m tired or hungry or hormonal. I’m a poor example to expect them to always be cheerfully obedient when I am not. I’m a poor example when I snap at my husband (whether or not they witness it). It’s the failures we all remember more than the successes. The niceties and pleasant days are too easily forgotten and the contempt, condescension, sarcasm, and other childishness is always remembered and comes back to haunt us in every argument.

I’m sure the devil loves these little phenomena. He’s laughing his horns off that we Christians struggle as much or more in our marriages and parenting than non-Christians. Why is that? The world makes it so easy to get caught up in unimportant activities and events that hinder our testimony. We may attend church and do all the “right” things, but where is our heart? We struggle with resentments and human frailties. But we are so, so blessed.

Don’t push each other away in your pain. Lean closer and accept the love.

Corrie ten Boom understood this so well:

Do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then, of course, part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.

People lash out when they’re hurting.

I don’t want to lash out at my children.

They deserve better.

The director of Christian education at our church recently approached me to ask if Aaron and I would teach an adult Sunday school class on marriage and parenting. She also mentioned to me that most of the kids who attend our church regularly never pray or see a Bible except during our Sunday school classes. That tells me so much about our “Christian” families. She then told me that she “knows we’re doing it right” since the girls tell her all about the Bible study we do. Way to put on the pressure! I’ll tell ya: it’s often a struggle to fit it all in. Isn’t it as important or even more so than math, science, grammar? Bible study with the kids every morning, quiet time on my own (almost) every night, devotionals with my eldest daughter once a week, reviewing her Bible history studies…they’re starting to really get it now, though, at ages 5, 6, 11…they see Christ in so much! It is humbling to me.

So, having all this responsibility just makes it so worse when I snap at my kids or husband. Shouldn’t I do better? Shouldn’t I have it more under control than that poor woman with her four boys? Shouldn’t I be a better example? I fail and I fail and I fail at that which I long to do better. Just like Paul.

I recently taught the kids about anger when I realized Katie needed some coping strategies, but I think we all benefited. We’re working through it together. Hopefully, they will grow up having learned sooner rather than later.

Do you struggle with anger issues?

Here are some sites that may help:

Mommy Anger Management Series from Meet Penny

Parenting and Anger Series from Creative with Kids, which is a safe haven community to discuss anger issues.

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New Year Resolutions

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January 3, 2012 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

My New Year Resolutions

I’m keeping it simple.

I vow to eat healthier, starting…today. I need to lose that baby weight! Seriously, my kid is almost 2! I have about 15 pounds or so that need to get gone. The kids only want peanut butter, chicken nuggets, and corn…that’s not working out so well for me. I’ll have to eat something better, separately from the kids, maybe during Alex’s naptime. (btw, I do provide fruits and veggies for the kids and not always chicken nuggets and corn!)
I vow to drink lots more water. Not that big into soda, so that’s not a temptation, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE sweet tea. All that sugar is killing me, y’all. I also put way too much sugar in my morning coffee. Baby steps, people, baby steps.
I should eat breakfast. Sugary coffee doesn’t quite count, I’m told.
I need to exercise. I actually went to the gym last week {gasp!} I seriously would use an elliptical machine if we had one and somewhere to put the thing, like in front of the TV. When is Wii Fit coming out with one? I’ve been trying to do some yoga, ballet, Pilates stuff in the mornings.
Intentional homeschooling and intentional blogging to keep me accountable. I have organized so much! I’m also using more Montessori materials with Alex, Katie, and Tori. I need to file papers more efficiently and promptly.

So, how’s it going so far, you ask?

Breakfast, nah. 2ish cuppas of coffee with less sugar than usual. I did pretty well with the breakfast thing last week. Not so much this morning. The Bubba didn’t help so much, getting up at 5 (%#&*@) AM. That’s at least an hour TOO EARLY. With the aforementioned 0530 wakeup call, the Bubba witnessed said attempts at exercise, and giggled at me! The nerve of that boy! Homeschooling and organizing: It’s always a process. I’ve done well to work closely with Alex and the girls in the mornings this last week…and not get as easily distracted by unimportant stuff like laundry and cooking and the cat puking on the front door rug.

So here is lunch.

I drank 2 glasses of water .

Berry walnut spinach salad:

Guilty pleasure of Brianna’s dressing. I could just drink this stuff, but I was good and just drizzled a tiny bit…

Found some leftover steamed veggies and pasta in the fridge…

Sautéed some onions, peppers, and mushrooms in olive oil.

Added some pesto sauce and parmesan cheese. Oh my!

Voilà!

Snacktime! (with more water.)

Dinner will be baked ginger rice and balsamic chicken thighs.

It’s a recipe from Not Your Mother’s Casseroles (NYM Series). yummy! And more water. yay.

Baby steps…

What are your New Year Resolutions?

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Nostalgia

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July 1, 2011 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

They say that our sense of smell is our biggest memory trigger.

I would tend to agree. All other senses deteriorate with age, but smell? I don’t think it really does.

Certain fragrances cause a turmoil of emotions, bringing up memories of past experiences and associations.

No one much wears it now, but the perfume L’Airs du Temps perfume reminds me of my grandmother (Mom’s mom). She wasn’t a fancy woman by any standards. She was proper. She was a southern lady. She had 11 brothers and sisters and they grew up very poor. She had her hair set every Thursday. She liked going out to eat. She could cook amazing breakfasts. She loved watching The Price is Right. I awoke to the fragrance the day she died and just knew.

Red Delicious apples remind me of summer afternoons with my father. We would eat tuna salad with Wheat Thins or leftover cold fried chicken (from Church’s) with Pringles and apple slices. I prefer Rome apples, but my daughter, Elizabeth, likes Red Delicious and every time I cut one for her, the scent brings back so many memories of those lunches with my dad.

Peppermint candies remind me of my grandma (Dad’s mom). She always had mints in her purse. She was always sucking on them. She had always smoked, so I think she had those mints for when she couldn’t have a cigarette. She was a regal working lady with hats and gloves and matching accessories. She always looked perfect. She took sarcarm to artistic levels, but she was never mean. She was the godliest and loneliest woman I’ve ever known. Elizabeth looks just like her.

When I was at Essential Oil Beauty School, Dr. Cole Wooley did a little experiment while teaching about oils and emotions.

He had panels of volunteers smell certain oils and describe their memories and feelings.

He used orange essential oil.

He asked a panel to close their eyes and describe their earliest memory of the scent.

The audience was amazed how far back the memories went.

Scent is very powerful.

What’s your earliest memory associated with scent?

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