Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Parenting Doesn’t End

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I understand that sometimes we long for the freedom to do what we want, without kids. But it’s not like there’s an actual end date for parenting. That’s not the goal.

Stop saying that parenting ends when the child is eighteen.

Sure, we joke that the kids will get their very own luggage set on their 18th birthday. They should work or go to college or training. They won’t be able to just loaf around, doing nothing productive, mooching off us.

Joking like this is abusive.

Parenting doesn’t just end.

Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What’s that suppose to mean? In my heart it don’t mean a thing.

― Toni Morrison, Beloved
Parenting Doesnt Just End

The parent-child relationship should change – gradually through the teen years – through to adulthood. We as parents should offer more freedom and responsibility in a safety net environment, teaching and coaching until the child is mature enough to fly on her own.

Parenting young adults is challenging.

And then we have to let go.

Sure, our children will fail sometimes. They will learn from those mistakes. And we can pray they don’t do anything too stupid that they can’t easily recover from. They must learn how to apologize and make amends.

But the nest should always be available for periods of rest and restoration.

Love should be an open door.

We as parents should be available as guides and coaches to our young adult children. Most kids don’t complete their brain development until around age 25.

How many of us were ready to be adults at age eighteen? How many of us were responsible and mature? Yet we expect so much of our kids in this scary, changing world we live in. It’s too much.

I stumbled and fell, with scraped knees and hemorrhaging heart, too many times until I reached “maturity.” And I still fail and struggle as a wife and mom.

Discipling children is a huge responsibility. It is exhausting.

Dragging four kids to the grocery store on a busy afternoon or on a 6-hour road trip isn’t really my idea of fun and relaxation. I do it to teach them and give them (hopefully) fond memories of a life well lived and well traveled.

Some days, when they argue with each other or complain about the dinner I worked so hard on, I want to give up.

Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude.

Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered.

It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do.

Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.

Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.

Love never fails!

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love never ends.

I get too easily discouraged by wet towels on the floor and the never-ending crumbs under the table.

Some days, I do imagine an empty nest, the freedom it will surely bring when I can sleep in, eat a hot breakfast without having to share, go to the bathroom alone…

When I can look back on these days, reminiscing the bittersweet victories and failings while struggling not to be a selfish mom. Self-care is always a struggle.

As the children grow into tweens, teens, young adults and need me less and less, I get a glimpse into what our future as friends might look like.

Parenting never ends.

Resources:

How do you let go?

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The Dirty Dozen Apps

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Some reality in the trenches of homeschooling and parenting.

Just because we proclaim to be Christians. Just because we teach with Bible stories and scripture. Just because we attend church and Sunday school regularly as a family.

It doesn’t mean we don’t have struggles.

I admit that I am jealous of seeing all the idyllic social media statuses and blog posts of teenagers who are doing amazing things, giving of themselves to the world, helping around the house, teaching younger siblings as role models.

We don’t really have that.

Despite all the “Raising Servant Leaders” and parenting books and webinars and blog posts and implementing this and that positive parenting method…

It seems like wishful thinking.

There’s been a gap somewhere with our eldest.

I think the breakdown began years ago, online.

It escalated last summer, with G+ communities.

When SciFi Goes Bad

I began encouraging her to have more freedom. I felt that G+ was a lesser of the social media evils.

I wasn’t ready to introduce her to Facebook. She doesn’t have a smartphone, so Instagram wasn’t an option.

She began writing for the blog and I started to teach her about blogging. I know some other bloggers whose teens are VAs in training and this was our goal.

I monitored her online use but respected her privacy. She joined some teen and homeschool communities. She circled some other homeschool teens.

She liked geeky and Sci-Fi RPG with Marvel and Doctor Who characters. I assumed this was harmless. She was writing fan fiction. All seemed well.

Her behavior became quite erratic and hormonal episodes escalated.

I figured it was the stress of moving and all the ups and downs of being in limbo, living on the road and in TLF for over a month.

I wish it had been just that. I could’ve easily handled that.

I could even handle drugs. Those are tangible monsters I can see.

The RPG groups became a portal into other worlds that I didn’t know existed (and I know about quite a lot).

If you browse the G+ teen communities, you will notice some of the images are very erotic, with girls using expressions and poses I’d rather not see.

The depravity of our society’s teens are laid out in the titles and descriptions of these communities.

The requests in these communities for hookups, Snapchat, TikTok, Tinder…all the newest apps.

I want my kids to have nothing to do with predatory technology.

This is a brave, new world.

Nothing like the hot tub chat rooms on America Online in the mid ’90s. Even at their worst, those were tame compared to the chats in these communities.

All the Google products linked to an email account are a hassle to disconnect. We had to delete several Gmail accounts to make a clean break and I have a nagging suspicion we are still drowning in uncharted waters.

We had long discussions. We prayed. We had medical checkups for endocrine levels to rule out a physical disorder. We made agreements. We compromised. We explained. There were tears.

It had become an addiction.

She still created several new online profiles without permission – with detailed imaginary information and a false image. The conversations I read when she sneaked onto my iPhone seared my eyeballs. I can’t unremember them.

We repeated the discussions and prayers.

She had absolutely no online presence whatsoever {that I know about}. Until she can heal and learn and follow some guidelines.

In the Trenches - Protect Your Kids From App and Internet Misuse

Girls are just as susceptible to pornography as boys. Be aware.

It was a downward spiral. Her defiance knew no bounds. She refused to complete schoolwork or chores. She got angry one night and ran barefoot out in the snow and refused to come in for half an hour. She wanted to be emancipated.

It was withdrawal from an online addiction.

I considered enrolling her in school to ease the stress on everyone at home. I fear potential legal consequences. The one time she attended a 6th grade math class for one week during summer at a public school, we received a visit from CPS.

But I don’t want to set her up for failure. What if she’s truant? I can’t imagine the consequences for her and me. I went back and forth, weighing the pros and cons of sending her to school. I was at my wit’s end, witnessing this tear my family apart.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

And it’s not about having more filters. It’s not about control and monitoring. It’s about relationship and discussion, working together for Internet safety. It’s about staying educated about what is popular, available, and potentially misused.

We set up a code while she learned appropriate Internet use. She asked for help learning self-control online and with screen time.

There are always dangers with Internet use. It’s up to me as a mom to be aware and diligent to protect my kids.

The Dirty Dozen Apps I Never Want My Kids to Use

There are plenty of apps that are just temptation for cyber bullying and inappropriate use. People can use all the ample technology available to corrupt our children. Many of these sites link with Facebook, Twitter, and other mainstream social media. Many apps and sites are location aware and offer users anonymity. And did you know that in 2013 – 78% of teens have a cell phone, and almost half (47%) of those are smartphones! Kids are well aware and able to get around any policing apps and hack into accounts without parents knowing. There are always ways around it.

The Dirty Dozen Apps I never want my kids to use:

Many of these apps were designed for adults, for adult entertainment. Kids aren’t even supposed to use them. Some apps were supposed to be harmless communication devices that have been used inappropriately – in bullying and other cyber crimes. All technology has the potential for misuse. Just be aware of what your kids and their friends are doing online. Keep conversations open. Some of these apps are no longer available.

1. Ask.fm

A Q&A site with very questionable content. Has recently been linked to cases of cyber bullying.

2. YikYak

Location-based, within a 1.5 mile radius for anonymous gossip. Just a mess waiting to happen. No longer active.

3. Down

This is a hookup service for one-night stands. Anonymous and location-aware.

4. Omegle

Anonymous text and video chat with strangers.

5. Voxer

Location-aware chatting service. Can send group messages. No way of verifying accounts, so this is target for cyber bullying or other inappropriateness. Also watch out for Yo and WhatsApp and Oovoo.

6. Tinder

This is a location-based hookup app.

7. ChatRoulette

Combine the randomness of a game of roulette with spontaneous anonymous video chat. With this app, you don’t know who they’ll pair you with or what they might show you.

8. Vine

Make and share gifs with messaging ability. Location-aware. Anything can be searched. Monitor carefully. Mostly defunct. Check out similar issues on TikTok.

9. SnapChat

Picture messages can be sent that last only ten seconds. Opens the door for embarrassing or inappropriate photos. Receivers can take screenshots and use wherever. Also Slingshot is similar.

10. Kik

Limitless app-based texting, and photo/file sharing. Privacy settings make it difficult to see history. Many public accounts with many followers show “kik me!” in comments – scary! Links to OinkText.

11. 9GAG

Image sharing. Not moderated. Anything goes.

12. Whisper

Anonymous “confessions” that tend to be quite inappropriate. And there’s a “meetup” section.

Discuss these apps with your kids.

Know which accounts are connected and make sure personal information is not available to strangers online. Make sure they understand the dangers. “Delete” doesn’t mean permanence. Discuss possible scenarios and consequences with texting and sending images and videos. Monitor privacy settings and block strangers and bullies.

I worry my kids use Wanelo or Pinterest or Polyvore. Sites like these just create discontent and the tendency to feel “less than.” I can barely handle those feelings myself after scrolling through Pinterest, so how can I expect a tween or teen who is less mature to be able to stave off the temptation? And even the ever-popular Instagram can be misused. Check out this article and pay attention to that “Explore” option!

We also do not like Roblox or Minecraft. Anything interactive has potential problems and I have heard horror stories of kids being solicited for or stumbling upon inappropriate activity through these sites.

Be aware of what your kids are doing online.

We must be super diligent to keep them safe.

And this is not about prohibiting Internet use. It isn’t about control. My kids have lots of freedom. We have plenty of discussions about online safety. We all have lots of screentime.

Updates:

At 16 , she has social media accounts. She learned her lesson about Internet safety and talks often to her younger siblings about being safe online.

At age 18, she became an advocate for her younger siblings online and with social media.

Resources:

  • American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers by Nancy Jo Sales
  • Disconnected: Youth, New Media, and the Ethics Gap by Carrie James
  • Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other by Sherry Turkle
  • It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens by danah boyd
  • iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy–and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood–and What That Means for the Rest of Us by Jean M. Twenge, PhD
  • The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt
  • Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit by Richard Louv
  • Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross
  • Hands Free Life: Nine Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, and Loving More by Rachel Macy Stafford
  • Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters! by Rachel Macy Stafford
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Setting and Keeping Goals

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With the new year, come all these resolutions that seem almost impossible to keep for more than a week or month or so.

It’s overwhelming and frustrating.

Like we need another reminder of failure, right?

We all have room for improvement.

Whether it’s more exercise, eating healthier, to stop saying bad words, eating at home more, stopping smoking, losing weight, reading our Bibles regularly, or budgeting better, whatever {your goal is here}.

Don’t go crazy and set like thirty goals. Don’t set yourself up to fail. Start with one, or five, or ten. Go slowly and complete one goal at a time.

No matter what your goals might be, here is an action plan to keep those resolutions through to completion.

1. Set a realistic, specific, measurable goal.

Instead of just saying “eating healthier,” state your goal very specifically.

“I will:

  • limit my sugar intake
  • get up earlier to make and eat a protein-rich breakfast
  • eat an extra serving or fruits and vegetables each day”

This is absolutely achievable. It is specific. It can be measured.

2. Write your goal down.

For real. You need to think it, read it, say it, learn it. Internalize that goal. Make it your own.

Write your goal down:

  • in your planner or calendar
  • on your dream board
  • in your prayer journal
  • on the bathroom mirror.

Write your goal down and place it somewhere you will see it regularly and often to remind you.

3. Tell a friend.

We all need accountability.

Ask someone to help you stay on track lovingly. Ask her to pray for you and help you during those times when you want to quit. Text her when you’ve reached a milestone or have her set up a reminder to check up on you weekly.

4. Set reasonable milestones.

Remember, goals should be measurable. But be realistic with your abilities to change. It’s difficult to stay motivated and harder to get out of a rut of bad habits.

Don’t expect to lose 50 pounds in a month. That’s not healthy or actionable.

Just like all the experts say not to weigh yourself every day so you don’t get discouraged.

Set reasonable stepping stones. Take each day at a time. Set weekly or monthly check-ins.

5. Celebrate and don’t beat yourself up.

We all have bad days. We forget. We get distracted. We lose hope. We get busy.

We eat that double chip mocha fudge almond ice cream sundae with whipped cream, chocolate drizzle, sprinkles, chopped nuts, and a raspberry on top. And we love it. Until the tummyache later.

Tomorrow is another day. Start over the next morning. Clean slate. Forgive yourself and move on.

But when you hit a milestone? Celebrate like crazy! Praise God! Call your friends and family to rejoice with you.

Send me a message and I will squeal like a teenage fangirl.

We set personal goals. I set goals for our family and homeschool to achieve each year.

What are your goals this year?

 


Linking up: Happy and Blessed Home, The Jenny Evolution

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How We Celebrate the New Year

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Our family’s tradition for New Years Eve is simple and frugal. We rarely stay up to ring in the New Year since we have four kids and are exhausted parents. Keeping the kids and ourselves up makes for a rough New Year’s Day.

We try to make New Year’s Eve special for the kids.

We like to stay in together as a family and discuss the years past – with all of the blessings, and the new year to come – all the exciting things God has planned for us.

It’s a fun day to do crafts together and reminisce and plan.

How We Celebrate New Years Eve

Food

We have fun making “snackies” – as the kids call tapas or appetizers that we lay out on TV trays for all to share.

Some of our go-to NYE party foods:

  • pigs in blankets
  • BBQ mini meatballs
  • cheese and salami platter (charcuterie)
  • various nuts
  • mini pizzas or tortilla pizzas
  • spinach artichoke dip (hot or cold)
  • veggie and fruit trays
  • sweet and spicy or mochiko chicken nuggets
  • chicken wings
  • sushi or smoked salmon
  • a variety of crackers and chips

Having a variety means everyone is happy with picking and choosing and sometimes finding a new favorite!

Mocktails

We make a yummy frothy punch out of pineapple juice, ginger ale, and sherbet. The kids sometimes like to have fizzy grape juice.

We also make our own sweet and sour mix and add that to lemon lime soda or ginger ale with fruit for a fun sangria.

Pretty glasses are a must-have to make this special.

Memories

We discuss our favorite memories from the last year. I have these fun memories cards that help prompt the kids as we remember.

We discuss our goals for the next year as a family and homeschool. The kids love this and it offers me insight into what’s important to them.

I love seeing my kids grow up and update their values each year.

Movie

We always watch a Muppet movie. I never realized it had become a tradition until my eldest daughter reminded me we had to make sure we had the new Muppets Most Wanted movie for NYE.

We don’t venture outside at night because the fireworks are scary, loud, and dangerous. They’re illegal in Germany except for a few days a year and everyone thinks they’re a pro and it can get a little rowdy. It’s safer indoors.

How do you ring in the New Year?

New Year’s Day food is important too!

Peas or lentils represent coin money.

Pork is rich in fat and represents prosperity and also progress.

Leafy greens also represent money.

I grew up eating pork roast and black eyed peas. I make pork, peas, cornbread, and greens for my family for prosperity, coins, gold, and dollars.

In Germany and German-American homes, the tradition is pork and sauerkraut. Cabbage strands represent money.

Noodles represent longevity, prosperity, and luck.

Rice represents abundance.

Whole scaly fish represent abundance. Some people used to and maybe still do stow away a few scales in their purse or wallet to ensure good fortune.

Pomegranate seeds are associated with life and fertility.

Eating 12 grapes at midnight is a fun and sometimes hilarious superstition from Spain and Latin America. It should bring luck for all 12 months of the new year.

Oranges and honey represent a sweet golden new year in Asia.

Round cakes like Bundt represent the circle of life. In Greece, orange cake Vasilopita is popular. Kransekage or wreath cake is popular in Scandinavia.

Glücksschwein or marzipan pigs are popular in Germany and Austria.

Happy New Year!

Check out my New Year Pinterest board:
Follow Jennifer Lambert’s board New Year on Pinterest.


Hard Candy Christmas

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Life is but a vapor.

I sit here with such a weight on my chest, reading about a father who died suddenly in his sleep the other night…and another family whose car rolled off a mountain road, killing the parents and sending the two children to ICU…and countless other families walking through chronic illness or deployment or estrangement or just being far away from loved ones.

Christmas time is bittersweet for many families.

I woke to a phone ringing from Maryland on New Year’s Day 1994.

One morning, my grandmother didn’t wake up. She was discovered by a neighbor several days later. She lived lonely alone. I hadn’t seen her for two years, since my father had a fight with her.

Christmases were always tainted with walking on eggshells around my father.

Christmas Eves were spent at my aunt’s house, surrounded by cousins, nervous whispers in corners. I never knew what was going on, who was mad at who or why.

My father chose to stay home while I was whisked out into the chill evening wearing my overpriced Christmas dress and patent leather shoes alongside my mom and paternal grandma to eat ham and potato salad and watch all the cousins open their gifts.

This was their entire holiday celebration. I still had Christmas morning to look forward to.

But there was always something negative lurking in the corners that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

For many, it is “always winter but never Christmas.”

Endless Winter

But it doesn’t have to be. And we should protect the children from the endless bitterness of cold, hard winter.

Christmas wants you: “Winter has begun to melt away, I have broken through at last – long live the true King!”

Hard Candy Christmas - Christmas time is bittersweet for many families.

Kids are often oblivious to the negativity.

Thank God they often don’t know the horrors of the world or the sorrows of adults.

Kids see the magic and glory of the lights. While we didn’t attend church and Jesus was an imaginary baby in storybook Bibles and a name at my grandma’s church.

I realize it doesn’t matter if the cookies look perfect. The presents under the tree don’t have to be all sorted perfectly (maybe that child has more this year but this child had lots last year, etc.) or wrapped with elegant mismatching paper, no seams showing. Bows are a waste of money. My haphazard decorations look like Christmas vomited all over the windowsill. I am no interior designer. Our tree never has themes – it has more handmade ornaments than designer trinkets and no twirling, swirling ribbon at all. No one will ever accuse me of having a house that looks like it’s out of a magazine (unless it’s Mad magazine.) We have no garland anywhere.

The kids don’t compare our house to others. They love the magic and will remember it as theirs.

Christmas memories will be about feelings and smells and tastes.

I want my children to remember the yummy prime rib and twice baked potatoes and not the spilled wine. I want them to remember the fuzzy pajamas and warm cocoa with Christmas stories around the twinkling Christmas tree. I don’t want the confusion of angry whispers and shots of Jack and stifled tears. No hiding behind masks. I want them to remember the snuggling while we read the Advent lessons every evening.

It’s ok that Christmas be bittersweet. It’s healthy to take the joy with the pain.

Like the song, Hard Candy Christmas:

“Lord, it’s like a hard candy Christmas
I’m barely getting through tomorrow
But still I won’t let
Sorrow bring me way down.”

It’s my job to protect my kids from the horrors of this world as long as I can, but also to prepare them to deal with the negative in a healthy way. I need to be a role model.

At the deep darkest time of the year – in cold winter (for half the world) – a Light was born in the darkness.

Let the Light shine.

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From Only Child to Large Family

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I am an only child. Life is certainly focused differently in small families.

Dinners were small, quiet affairs and we always had leftovers.

Finding a table in a restaurant or a hotel room spontaneously in a busy city while traveling was no big deal.

I was often alone but I seldom felt lonely – until it was taught to me by society as I grew up.

We have four children.

Our home is noisy. There is little privacy. The dynamics are interesting.

There are SO MANY unexpected things that I never thought about growing up in a mere family of three.

I polled my friends and readers for some of the things they notice having a larger family.

Having a large family offers some challenges that small families don’t face.

From Only Child to Large Family - Having a large family offers some challenges that small families don’t face.

Budgeting

Money is a big complaint. Few people with a small family seem to understand that even having three or four kids compared to one or two is a big game changer to a budget.

We simply don’t have any extra money left over to meet friends out for a meal or the movies. We have to be more creative and frugal for gatherings and get-togethers.

“We cannot afford to make random trips to dinner or the movies. It never fails we have friends with 1 or 2 kids that always want to go places that it is expensive for a large family to go.” ~Deanna

“It takes an act of God for me and my hubby and five kids to meet you and… whoever at the… whatever.” ~DaLynn

More money is needed for so many things with a large family. More food. More medical and dental care and/or insurance. More extracurricular activities. More clothing. More utilities. More More More. There never seems to be enough no matter how creative and frugal a mom is.

“The big purchases that you don’t really think about…bigger car, bigger table, more furniture in the living room. Glasses or shoes or braces or music lessons or sports fees…you just don’t think about the cost until you are paying for 4 or 5 at a time. Extra cost of housing, utilities…just imagine the water cost of 7 people showering everyday, or the constant running of the washer and dryer.” ~Erin

“I just don’t have the funds to buy gifts for everyone [for Christmas]. I purchase for the kids in the family, but they are low-cost gifts. Budgeting as a whole is something the smaller families within my larger extended family don’t understand…” ~Heather

Sharing

Kids in large families have to share.

Bedrooms, bathrooms, clothing, food, toys.

Handmedowns are expected for the younger kids and new items are a rare treat.

Nothing ever just belongs to someone. There is no privacy and nothing is sacred or personal. Including me. I never had to share anything, growing up. And that’s hard.

There are only two sides of me on the sofa during read aloud time. I make sure everyone can see the pictures, if there are any. Usually, Alex insists on sitting beside me and one of the little girls is on the other side. Recently, we had a sibling have a jealous fit about my lap. My kids are stocky and I’m not. There is only room enough for one kid to sit on my lap at a time.  Maybe I should sell tickets.

Time is also at a premium. Most moms have to plan well and keep track of all the family activities, especially as kids grow older and develop interests that take them out of the house, often in many different directions at the same time.

“Nothing is simple. What one person does often affects nine others.” ~Kendra

Traveling

A bigger vehicle. We had to get the minivan after our third child arrived. Three carseats couldn’t fit in the backseat of our Hyandai Santa Fe.

Two or more hotel rooms when traveling. It’s often easier and cheaper to rent an apartment or house when traveling. Then we can cook “at home” and not worry about who likes what or having enough or if there are leftovers, what to do with them.

Airfare is just ridiculous and not within most large family budgets at all. I can’t imagine flying all six of us anywhere. I listen to many families discuss their travel plans with one or two lap babies or just a couple children and it’s doable for them, but never for us.

“As a military family, the cost of getting us ALL somewhere is huge. It’s cheaper to have them come visit us, than to get all of us home to visit them.” ~Heather

Waiting forever for a table big enough at restaurants (and often having that gratuity added on despite potential poor service). It’s just stressful eating out. My food is often a gelatinous cold mess by the time I get everyone situated with their food cut up and all. Meals are chaotic and loud and I get embarrassed when people stare because I automatically think they are judging our manners and volume. They may just think we’re gorgeous and smell great, but I doubt it.

“It’s hard to imagine just how accidentally loud 7 people are.” ~Erin

Entertainment

I love how Europe has family tickets that actually do accommodate our family of two adults and four children (ages 4, 7, 8, and 14 at time of post). Many American museums and amusements have membership for a family of four and then you can tack on extra tickets but then the price sky rockets! Disney will probably never be an option for us (and I’m ok with that but my husband is not).

“I’d like businesses to be more flexible with their ‘family plans’ or deals. A membership or a coupon or a package is usually ‘2 adults and 2 children.’ Uh…? I have FOUR children! I’ll gladly pay MORE for my membership because I know I have more children. But I often don’t have the option.” ~Crystal

Huge blowout birthday parties like have become the norm in America are just not feasible when you have a large family. We have three spring birthdays and it would just drain us if we spent hundreds of dollars on presents, entertainment, those amusement parks, or whatever the trend is there days. We don’t even have the luxury to have a huge home party event with extended family since we always live so far away.

And I have felt like this SO MANY TIMES:

“I feel unable to really express frustrations with many of these things because… after all… I wanted them all, I asked for it. Yet families with just two children are free to complain about how hard it is.” DaLynn

No one needs more mommy guilt.

No matter what your family size, there are bad days.

“You can buy a jet ski when you’re 60 and use it every day for the rest of your life, but you only get a few years to be with your babies…So ‘no jet ski this year’ is kind of my mantra when the mommy guilt tries to take over.” ~Erin

Be a “No Jet Ski” kinda mom.

Really love your family, no matter the size. No guilt.

Linking up: Happy and Blessed Home

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My Priority

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So, I have friends who are well into their 30s, 40s, 50s, – some with one or two kids and some without any kids and some with grown children. And others with part-time kids (they’re a stepparent).

The majority chooses to send their kids to public school. This is the expected norm. I get that. I know I swim upstream.

I don’t ask questions about lifestyle choices. I don’t pry. I don’t make snide remarks. I don’t say my way is best for you.

Why do you feel the right to make snarky comments to me because I choose to have four children? In my home. Every day. All day. Homeschooling. Working from home. Every day.

I have different priorities. My priorities have changed over the years. I’ve been refined.

I realize what’s important for me.

I’m tired of explaining that “I don’t have time” doesn’t always mean that I literally have every second of my life accounted for, but rather that “This isn’t a priority for me” or “I’m giving as much of myself as I’m able to right now.”

I’m also tired of explaining that “I don’t have the money” doesn’t always mean that I literally have every penny accounted for, but rather that “This or that isn’t a priority” or “I’m spending as much as I desire at this time.”

My Priority - I have different priorities. My priorities have changed over the years. I’ve been refined. I realize what’s important for me.

Things I Don’t Do

No, I don’t want to find a babysitter so I can go to the coffee at 10:30 in the morning and listen to the little wifeys complain about commanders who don’t like their husbands or landlords who don’t do what they want and when and the culture differences that they don’t like since we live in Germany – or Utah – or Hawaii.

No, I don’t want to go to the girls night out when I could be at home with a healthy homemade meal and listening to my kids laugh over games or arts and crafts. My husband leaves for work before I wake and gets home at dinnertime. We like to spend a couple hours together before exhaustion overcomes us. I don’t want to miss that nightly read aloud time or Bible stories before the sweet bedtime prayers, then all the jumbles of snuggles, kisses, and hugs that almost physically hurt when four growing bodies pile on my aging, aching, sagging (squishy) one – but it fills my heart to bursting.

No, I don’t want to go shopping with you. We have all that we need and opening up my mind and heart to commercial temptation isn’t what I want to do. I don’t need retail therapy. Shopping is not entertainment for me. I have more than I need and I’m diligently working on downsizing, organizing, and simplifying. I don’t watch the sales. When I need or really want something, I buy it online or I go directly to pick that one item up (if I know it’s available locally).

No, I don’t want to join whatever club, extracurricular activity, or even church group that will further send any of us out of the house an extra night a week when we prefer to just be home together. I understand many perceive Scouts, AWANA, and other organizations are great. I don’t do scrapbooking or crafts. And I’m sure they are great for you. I just don’t want our family run ragged as we compete for participating in the most activities. We have peace. We’ve done it and the stress wasn’t worth it. We like to have meals and bedtime routines at home, together as a family.

No, I don’t want to watch your kids. Just no. I have enough responsibilities with my family – and being home all day, every day doesn’t mean I’m lonely and bored. I am working and teaching. I’m sorry you have so many engagements where your kids aren’t welcome. It should not be described as a play date either, when you need to get rid of your kid to get your nails done. I turn down many important invitations because my kids come first.

Their childhoods are short. Perhaps, there will be time for me to play on the other side. For now, my priority is discipling and developing relationships with my four children. I joyfully sacrifice for them.

I don’t want to have regrets about what I missed out on when the kids are all grown up. I want them to have good memories of Mommy being available and not running off all the time, leaving them alone or with babysitters. I want to cherish this time.

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Gifts for the Geek

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I’m so proud that my kids like geeky stuff.

Great Geeky Gifts
I think it’s so much better that my girls obsess over David Tennant and Benedict Cumberbatch than the latest pop music star boy group. I’d rather we watch intelligent BBC programming than Disney – or whatever it is that’s mindless and popular with tweens and teens. I am loving seeing my kids’ senses of humor developing with brilliant British jokes.

A great geeky company with loads of fun gifts is Thinkgeek.

Doctor Who

This Christmas, the kids are gonna be so excited that I scored some awesome DW loot on zulily.com.

Star Trek

Because nothing geeky is complete without Star Trek. Even if it’s not technically British. At least there’s Sir Patrick and Benedict. :) Whether they prefer the classics or the new shoes and movies, there’s a great gift for your Trekkie!

Sherlock

For new and old fans, BBC with Benedict…and the movies with RDJ (not mentioning that blasphemous American show, ahem)…Sherlock Holmes is a beloved icon.

Narnia

The brilliant writing of CS Lewis and the lovely imagery of the movies, these are timeless stories with a great message.

Harry Potter

I was ecstatic to stop by the Harry Potter shop in London and get all sorts of goodies for the kids. They love their Marauders’ Map and wands and Hogwarts tickets.

Tolkien

The ultimate in fantasy geekery. I have loved Tolkien since the little Hobbit cartoon by Rankin and Bass in the ’70s!

Star Wars

I really, really, really wish I still had my original Ewok village and star fighters. And all my figures. I saw Return of the Jedi in theatres and I was sold on the whole franchise. While we wait anxiously to see what Disney does to our beloved characters and stories, here are some fun gifts for your Jedi lover.

What’s on your geek gift list?

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Because I Said So

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“Because I said so” should never be uttered from a parent’s lips to her child.

Especially if that parent is of the “do as I say, not as I do” variety. Kids deserve a reason and they can understand most reasons.

I’m not saying to try to reason with a two year old, but a four year old can understand he has to wait for a meal to cook. He may not like it and he may not exhibit the self-control you should expect from a fourteen year old. That is normal child development.

Actions speak so much louder than words.

If you teach “do as I say,” you’re setting yourself up for a rebellious child.

If your child sees you eat in the living room but she can’t? You’ve just confused her and she understands you don’t respect her.

If you sneak a cookie before dinner but won’t let your whining son have one? You’ve just confused him and disrespected him.

If you’re irritable and snappish but reprimand your child for the same tone of voice or even the same phrasing of words to her sibling? It’s confusing and disrespectful.

Don’t expect blind obedience.

This isn’t healthy. It’s brainwashing. You most likely have your child’s best interests at heart, but does that teacher, boyfriend, boss, or whoever they will find to obey in the future?

Teach your children to make wise decisions. Coach them on this journey of life to be kind and respectful to others. Give them opportunities to exhibit integrity. Not just a list of black and white rules to follow.

How to be an better parent:

  1. Lead by example. You as a parent have to do the right thing if you want your kids to follow.
  2. Eliminate arbitrary rules. Desire to say yes as much as possible and have the no’s mean no for everyone.
  3. Don’t use the Bible as a weapon. Most kids will just learn to hate it if you make them do copywork for punishment. Or if you quip Bible verses at them to remind them what they did wrong. There are ways to use the Bible as a heart training tool. Sit with them and discuss it together. Pray without shaming.
  4. Yelling and hitting is never an option. Use your big girl mama words to explain what the problem is. Never use your superior size and power to physically demean a child. It’s not a power struggle. Discuss with your child what should happen next time the issue arises. Offer grace.
  5. Exhibit integrity in all you do. Even those little white lies (we can’t afford cookies) or the typical societal pretending (Santa and the tooth fairy) can erode the parent-child relationship. It’s just easier to be honest. If your goal is not to buy cookies, explain that you’re eliminating processed foods and you can make a healthy alternative together. If you like the holiday traditions, teach the legends behind them and let the children decide if they want to pretend or not. Ours do!

Focus on the positive and find ways todo life together with your children. They will learn by watching you.

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No More TV

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We got rid of the TV (actually we chose to put it in storage rather than ship it to Germany). It didn’t seem worth the hassle of getting adaptors and figuring out how to connect to the German television system. And it saves money. For travel and beer and wine. Because, we’re in Europe, y’all.

No More TV - I’ve been delighted to see my kids’ imaginations really develop.

What do we do all day?!

Our days are really much like before: cooking, eating, cleaning, school lessons, more cooking, eating, cleaning, parks and playgrounds, hiking and playing, reading, chores, bedtime routines.

Because life continues despite our locale. Being a mama in Germany isn’t much different than being a mama when we lived in Utah, Hawaii, Texas, or Georgia.

I’ve been delighted to see my kids’ imaginations really develop.

Fairy traps, clover and daisy chains, lots of reading – both aloud and silently, individually and as a family, chores and helping and learning home economics, playing with educational toys, playing in bedrooms, listening to and playing music, playing board games, talking to each other, extra school lessons, research and note-taking and study skills, arts and crafts, make believe games, skits, outside play, nature study, hiking, scootering, biking, soccer (it’s called Fußball here, don’t ya know), learning German and French, field trips to interesting places – like castles and war monuments. PARIS.

We also have NO INTERNET. Still. I have to drive to the base library to use Wi-Fi and I max out my data plan on my iPhone by mid-month. Super fun.

It’s been about six months without Internet as we traveled across the country on our road trip and then over here to Germany. I’ve reevaluated my priorities and while most of you are sleeping, I am spending lots more quality time with my family than I did. I just can’t drive over to the base (almost 45 minutes away) to use the library wi-fi every time I want to post something. And all the libraries close by 7 during the week and by 5 on Fridays and the good one is closed weekends. I’m learning the limits of my iPhone, for sure. I am more a hands-free mama.

And of course during my solo trip to London over the weekend, I went wifi crazy in my hotel room and watched shows I missed, completed a single blog post (yay!), researched a few things on my neverending list, and just felt normal.

Sure, we each have an iPad and there are times when the kids play games too long, especially when it’s rainy and dreary, but they’re surprising me by choosing to do other activities much more often too. That’s unschooling, and I kinda suck at that, being the control freak that I am,

We often watch both fun and educational DVDs on the computers. The library has a great selection. We have a collection of beloved DVDs. And there’s this cool DVD rental store on base with lots of DVDs for cheapo.

We hope we get internet soon for so many reasons…and we shall resume streaming Netflix and Amazon videos.

Because I really miss Doctor Who.

Resources:

  • American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers by Nancy Jo Sales
  • Disconnected: Youth, New Media, and the Ethics Gap by Carrie James
  • Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other by Sherry Turkle
  • It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens by danah boyd
  • iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy–and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood–and What That Means for the Rest of Us by Jean M. Twenge, PhD
  • The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt
  • Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit by Richard Louv
  • Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross
  • Hands Free Life: Nine Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, and Loving More by Rachel Macy Stafford
  • Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters! by Rachel Macy Stafford
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