We begin teaching our kids self-control when the children are babies.

It’s the most important lesson.

Self-control is the biggest factor in future success.

What is self-control?

Definition: Restraint of oneself or one’s actions, feelings, etc.

It’s really hard to begin teaching self-control when kids are older, especially teenagers. It’s possible, but very difficult to begin then.

We have high expectations after toddlerhood. We teach our kids to have self-control despite being bored.

If we provide a gazillion options for entertaining our kids, then they will expect that and develop no self-control.

It’s ok to be bored.

It’s ok to have downtime without screens, food, or toys.

It’s a societal lie we tell ourselves that we must provide entertainmment for our kids all the time. I’m not a cruise director.

How do we teach self-control?

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that heis blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:5-9

We make sure we’re not wasting a lesson when kids are hungry, tired, or sick.

We’re not afraid to say NO.

We say NO to junk food or snacks right before meals.

We say NO to screens when they can play outside on a nice day.

We say NO to relationships or events that may be questionable or harmful.

We say NO to wasting money or time.

We say NO to medicating our kids.

Home

We require inside voices at home. We don’t allow running indoors, for safety.

We actively teach our expectations and provide practice sitting still and quiet.

We have read-aloud and Bible time when the kids must sit quietly.

We expect kindness, politeness, and courtesy.

We use natural consequences instead of punishment.

Examples:

“Clean your room or complete this chore and you can go outside to play.”

“Finish your chemistry project and you can go to your friend’s event.”

Using natural consequences takes the stress off mom and dad and all the responsibility lies on the child’s shoulders. If he takes 4 hours to clean his room, then there is no park time. If she doesn’t complete the chemistry project, then she has to explain to her friend why she missed the event.

If this becomes a perpetual habit, then there has to be a conference and incentives, but we don’t do sticker charts, rewards, or treats.

Chores are not an option.

We all have to help each other with cleaning up our living space.

Home training:

• I model the correct behavior.
• We all work together.
• Attitude is the most important thing.

Homeschool

I don’t push seat work too much or too long. I don’t want the kids to resent learning. I’m fairly lenient for quite some time as long as the kids aren’t disruptive of siblings.

It’s great practice for kids to sit down quietly for writing, reading, drawing, coloring, and listening to read alouds.

By the time kids are about 6, I expect them to be able to sit quietly and respectfully during reading and lessons.

We teach time management and priorities: school work over fun.

I provide frequent breaks and lots of outside time and indoor free play time.

We do not medicate our children. Children are supposed to act like children and the government school model of requiring kids to sit still and quiet for 6+ hours is unrealistic and damaging. No child should be expected to fit that standard.

Homeschool training:

• Blanket training for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers (provide quiet toys on blankets or mats)
• Quiet activities for fidgety hands
• Coloring pages relevant to reading for little ones

Church

We have never brought toys or food to occupy our kids during church.

We’ve never attended a church that separates kids from adults. We all sit in the pew together for the entire service.

My kids glance at me, wide-eyed when they see their peers brining rice cakes and toys into church or dancing up and down the pew aisle. They wonder at the big kids who don’t know how to whisper or who cry because they don’t want to sit still and quiet.

Our kids have been trained to sit still and quietly during church time.

We use church to teach our kids the liturgy, reading, music, and sight reading.

We ask our children questions about the sermon after church and they now pay attention so they can answer us!

We require them to behave during Sunday school. There is no sleeping, running around, talking out, or any misbehavior. Often the teachers are teens and young adults who have little experience with classroom managment. I don’t care how the other kids act and take advantage of a situation. My children will not act that way.

Church training:

• Outlines to fill in on sermon topics
• Coloring pages
• Sermon notes

Meals and Restaurants

I don’t remember kids’ menus or coloring pages at restaurants when I was little. And going to a restaurant was a special event. We only went out to eat for birthdays. And all this “casual family dining” is a new concept. I remember when they remodeled Red Lobster and we hated it! We were expected to wait until the food came and again to wait until everyone’s meal was finished and paid for and the adults were ready to leave. Good behavior was expected. It was a privilege to go to a restaurant.

American restaurant meals usually have coloring pages, TV, or activities to occupy children (and adults). I’ve even seen kids’ corners where parents let loose their little monsters to disrupt everyone in the restaurant. No one wants to see or hear kids running around and screaming at a restaurant.

The rest of the world either doesn’t expect children to dine out at all or to have well-behaved children with self-control.

My kids are taught that waiting for good food is normal. They learn to sit still and quietly in restaurants and to be respectful of others. I am confident taking them to many restaurants that most consider adult-only because I know they can handle it and they love the food and experience!

Restaurant training:

• Coloring pencils for napkins or paper
• Quiet and respectful games like I Spy
• A little sack of tiny animal figures

Events

We often attend concerts, shows, and other events where we must be still, quiet, and respectful.

We start with minor local and high school stage productions to train the kids to behave.

We attend matinée performances, dress rehearsals, field trips to expose our children to fine arts and teach etiquette for these events.

Event training:

• We offer refreshments at intermission.
• We teach about the instruments or drama for interest.
• We provide follow-up discussion when we discuss the show or performance.

We praise good behavior. We guide and teach about bad behavior. We don’t reward, punish, blame, call names, or shame.

We’re diligent in our training. We don’t expect perfection immediately. We work at it over days, months, weeks, and years.

A life-changing book:

I say YES to a lot of things, y’all.

But I also say NO to a lot of things.

I think it’s important to say no to some things even if it means we’re different or unpopular.

It’s up to me to maintain a healthy family culture.

I say no to chemicals in our food.

We seldom eat out in restaurants. We have actually lost friends over this.

We like to eat at home. We enjoy cooking and eating together. It’s fun to learn new techniques and try new recipes.

I know what goes into the food I make for our family. We avoid artificial dyes, flavors, and preservatives in our food.

We save money. I can make steak at home way cheaper than dining out in a restaurant.

We feel better physically and mentally without chemicals in our food. And it’s important to have dinner together as a family.

I say no to chemicals in our personal care products.

We make our own items or buy chemical-free products for cleansing and moisturizing our faces and bodies. We avoid linalool and artificial dyes and scents.

I like Lemongrass Spa for lovely soaps, deodorant, and makeup and essential oils-based products for lotions, body wash, and face creams.

Our skin is healthier and I feel better knowing we aren’t putting toxins in or on our bodies.

I say no to disrespect.

I see it all the time. Parents have lost their ability to say, “No.” It erodes respect within the family.

I witnessed this little scene the other evening while my daughter was at gymnastics:

A little sister was waiting in the bleachers with her mom for big sister’s gymnastics. She had a tablet and a bag full of snacks and activities. She didn’t like waiting.

Her mother gave her three choices:

1. She could stay on the bleachers and occupy herself with her tablet.
2. She could go kick a ball.
3. She could play with some other kids behind the bleachers.

The little girl hit her mother and told her she was mean.

The mother calmly told the girl, “You lose your tablet for tomorrow. Do you want Taco Bell for dinner?”

They sat on the bleachers until gymnastics was over.

It was surreal. So many choices, yet she told her mom she was mean and still got to eat out for dinner? Wow.

I refuse to allow my children to be rude – to me, each other, friends, coaches, anyone.

I don’t want my kids to be around rude kids. So, we have few friends.

I say no to busyness.

We have workbooks, textbooks, reading books for fun and school. We have some teaching DVDs to accompany our Latin curricula.

Some curricula comes with a workbook that I feel is nothing but busywork so we don’t use that.

We don’t do a bunch of meaningless crafts.

I don’t like online or DVD homeschool. I want to interact and learn along with my kids.

And why do we need curricula for life? I see curricula for diversity, character, etiquette, and more. These are life skills. I don’t need a curriculum to teach my kids to be kind or have courtesy. I don’t even use a curriculum for English. We read and write and learn together. I teach them the basics without a curriculum. I just include them in my everyday life: cooking, finances, cleaning, car maintenance, healthy habits.

We don’t do a homeschool co-op. Our local homeschool group has ridiculous time-wasting courses like Scrabble, along with lots of classes I can and do teach myself to my children so I don’t need to drive anywhere. It seems many co-ops are just social events, with music, art, or subjects parents aren’t comfortable teaching. We prefer to stay home.

I limit our extracurricular activities so we’re home at dinnertime most nights. I don’t like running ragged to lots of different places in the evenings. We spend Wednesday afternoons at music lessons, shopping and errands, and gymnastics. We still make it home for dinnertime. During sports seasons in the spring and fall, I sometimes bring slow cooker meals or casseroles to the field so we can all eat a picnic between practice – or we just eat later at home, together.

I say no to technology.

I like to limit our screentime.

The kids have iPads for fun and school, especially useful when we PCS.

We do not have a TV.

We do not have a video game system.

We do not do school online. I have a really hard time with all the curricula online. Sure, it might make things easier or it can be an easy fix during a crucial time when a family is in crisis, but it shouldn’t be the only schooling a child receives. My children learn to read dictionaries and encyclopedias and write out essays by hand before typing.

My kids do enjoy Typing Tutor because it’s important to learning proper typing skills. They play apps on their iPads and watch Netflix when there’s downtime or bad weather.

My children do not have smart phones.

There will be time for them to catch up on all the technology when they’re older.

I say no to social media.

My kids do not have social media accounts (We recently allowed our teen – at age 15 – to open a Facebook account to communicate in the teen homeschool group and Civil Air Patrol group, but we monitor her activity very closely).

I have removed all social media apps from my iPhone. I limit my time online so I can be present to parent and homeschool my children.

I say no to being friends with everybody.

I limit my Facebook friends list to about 150…and I wouldn’t have a personal account at all if I could just have my page. It’s an app…I don’t have to be friends on there with anyone I don’t want. My time is valuable and I don’t want to waste it on seeing a bunch of drivel on social media. I go on there to check in with family and real friends. I don’t need 4,964 virtual “friends” to feel better about myself. I encourage my teen to be wise with her time online too. Quality over quantity.

I just don’t want to be friends with everyone. There’s a big difference between being polite and courteous and friendly…and being friends.

I grew up in a time when we didn’t have to invite the whole class to a private birthday party. But this one girl down the street gave my girls leftover birthday party favors after informing them they weren’t invited to her party earlier that day. WHAT?!

We don’t want to be friends with bullies. We don’t want to be friends with mean girls.

Just because I attend church with someone doesn’t mean I want to be BFFs with their family. I might not agree with how they’re raising their children or treat their spouse…and I don’t want that kind of negativity in our lives.

I say no to Disney.

I discuss our reasons for saying no to Disney here.

I’m particular about our entertainment. I am responsible for what goes into little eyes and ears…and hearts. So much popular culture is just inappropriate.

What do you say no and yes to?

With Christmas coming up quickly, I see lots of posts on social media about gift guides, what my friends’ and acquaintances’ kids want for Christmas, how they’re trying to afford all the expectations of the holidays, and so many other holiday issues.

I used to be one of those moms, struggling not to dig us too much further into debt while providing a magical, “curated perfection,” commercial Christmas for our four kids.

I recently saw this on someone’s social media:

My daughter told me that she has figured out who Santa was: “It’s you, Mom. I know that because we never get what we ask for.”

Ouch.

There’s a problem with that attitude in children. And the problem isn’t with the lie of Santa Claus. It’s with allowing children to believe they’re entitled.

Yes, this is a first world problem. I won’t allow my kids to grow into entitled teens or adults.

I refuse to accept that attitude of entitlement in my children.

I must examine my attitude and entitlement issues before I can start to teach my kids. I need to model the attitude I want them to have.

Eliminating entitlement starts with me.

How we eliminate entitlement:

Education

I want my kids to realize how fortunate they are.

I actively educate them about how the world functions. They have to work to achieve success – financially, personally, and spiritually. It won’t just be handed to them.

When it is age-appropriate, I teach them about privilege. My kids are white, healthy, abled. I don’t want them to be ashamed, but I want them to be humble.

We don’t have any needs go unmet. We have more than enough clothing and food. We have a safe, comfortable house filled with furniture, electronics, modern conveniences – luxuries we often take for granted – compared to so many others in the world, or even around the corner.

We travel often to see how the rest of the world lives. We watch documentaries about history and culture. We read, read, read about history, other cultures, and peoples around the world.

My kids store away bits of knowledge from our travel experiences and lessons about the world and I refer to them over the years as reminders and we look at pictures to help us remember.

I encourage my kids to be self-motivated. We don’t use punishments or rewards.

I want them to understand compassion. We practice the art of apology.

I teach kindness and self-control. We learn about diversity.

These lessons help them to be good citizens of the world.

Temptation

Lead us not into temptation.

It’s sometimes just easier not to know.

We don’t often fall into the comparison trap.

We don’t watch commercials. We didn’t have a TV for years and now we seldom watch live shows. We use Netflix and Amazon for streaming, among some other newer options. That eliminates a lot of temptation through marketing and advertisements.

We don’t subscribe to emails or magazines or catalogs that shove ads and deals in our faces.

We don’t go shopping. We go to grocery stores to get food and when we need something – and that’s about it. We don’t do shopping as entertainment so we often just don’t know what’s available or popular and that makes it easier. It’s getting more difficult not to see the social media ads or influencer posts about items and services.

I shop online (with Rakuten (formerly eBates) for cash back!) or occasionally at the Base eXchange if we need a specific item. I use Amazon for almost everything else. Shipping site to store is my new favorite thing. I can just zoom in and out and it’s often free.

My kids get birthday money from grandparents and can earn money from extra chores or pet sitting and baby sitting.

This solves so much of the entitlement issue for all of us.

Coveting

Thou shalt not covet.

I try to lead by example.

I used to feel like I needed everything my blog mentors recommended on their sites. Those blogger moms are not my friends. They’re trying to make money by recommending products. I don’t know them and they don’t know me nor have my best interests at heart. And they got most of that stuff for free to review and peddle to the masses.

After a couple years and too many “educational toys” and homeschool curricula collecting dust in bins and on shelves, I purged a lot and set better priorities for our home and homeschool. I learned who I am and what was necessary for my kids to learn well and it became easier.

My kids are homeschooled and we don’t participate in a co-op or many classes outside our home, so they often don’t know what other kids have or what’s very popular. We constantly reevaluate this. I don’t want my kids to feel the need to get the newest gadget, but I don’t want them to have nothing fun.

We stopped participating in play groups when my younger kids were preschool age because several moms had very material attitudes that I didn’t appreciate. When the playgroup rotated to their houses, I dreaded walking into their IKEA and Pottery Barn paradise where my kids’ eyes danced at the magazine-photo-shoot-ready playrooms with an overwhelming number of toys in a specially kid-dedicated room. Children ruled those homes.

It made me feel worthless and less-than, a bad parent that I couldn’t afford those things nor did we have the space for it. And I didn’t really want it and all the stress that went with it. And we move every few years, so how could we cope?

When these moms started discussing preschool options for their children, I felt even worse. They turned on me and scoffed about homeschooling. They actually said out loud in front of all the kids they couldn’t wait for the break from their kids when they could throw them into a preschool several mornings per week so they could have freedom. To do what? I wondered.

Even in private Christian preschool, kids talk about toys, clothes, parties, and TV shows! I would have preferred uniforms, even in 4K when my eldest daughter attended, so I didn’t have to talk about fashion with my daughter at that time. I’m glad she only went that one year.

I want to protect my kids from this attitude of coveting what others have. If it means less of a social outlet, so be it.

We just have different priorities.

Minimalism

When something new comes in, something old goes out.

Except books. We have 8ish bookshelves bursting with homeschool material, literature, living books, and favorite reads. (We have purged some lower quality books or outgrown baby books to make room for better ones.)

We periodically do sweeps of the closets and homeschool room and toys to donate or sell – items that are outgrown or no longer used.

My kids are growing and developing their own tastes and preferences. And I couldn’t be prouder of their choices. They are people with opinions.

Liz’s handmedowns aren’t so much to Tori’s tastes, but Akantha usually loves them. So, I honor my sweet Tori by purchasing her clothes that are more to her liking. Shoes aren’t often a good thing to hand down, so we usually purchase new ones so my kids have healthy, pain-free feet as they grow.

I’m generous with purchasing books that we love or aren’t available at our libraries, especially eBooks for the Kindle app on their iPad minis (my parents bought the kids those). eBooks don’t take up any space and work well with our traveling lifestyle!

I feel the need to address why we own iPads since I was called a hypocrite for owning an unnecessary luxury electronic item such as an iPad.

The iPads were gifts from my parents. We graciously accept them and keep them since my children rarely see them. We’re a military family and have lived far away from all family for over 10 years. The iPads come in handy when we move every 2-4 years and when we live out of suitcases in temporary housing for months on end – without our household goods or  school curricula. We have apps to learn languages and review math drills. They each have an email account to keep in touch with friends and family. The games are fun.

As the kids grow, we clear out the toys they played with when they were younger. We clean out the dress-up bin for items that are too small or torn beyond repair. As the kids grow into tweens and teens, we have different toys – Legos, robotics, arts and crafts, science experiments.

I try to keep clutter to a minimum.

If toys and clothing are too overwhelming to put away, there are too many and they should be sorted and purged. I do have regrets from over-purging when my eldest was young. We just didn’t have the storage to rotate and I wish we could have done that rather than selling and donating some of it.

Priorities

It’s all about where our focus is.

We prefer experiences over stuff.

I want my children to grow up to be contented adults.

I don’t want them only striving to work for the next toy – like the latest technological gadget or boat or whatever.

I want them to live full, engaged lives with healthy relationships.

We focus on courtesy, faith, loving and giving to others, learning, and being together.

By being so fortunate, we should seek to give to those in need rather than store up riches for ourselves.

Pickiness

A lot of people probably don’t think this has anything to do with entitlement.

A child turning up his or her nose at a plate of food has everything to do with entitlement (unless there are medical, sensory, or neurodivergent issues.)

I don’t make short order meals for my family. We eat meals together every single day.

I do everything in my power not to contribute to the pickiness.

I try to introduce new foods to my children to expand their palate and knowledge. We travel frequently and I want my kids to be aware of what to expect from different cuisines. I don’t want them to be ignorant eaters. I refuse to allow them to smother foods in ketchup or Ranch dressing. It’s just rude.

I offer colorful and tasty nourishment to my kids three times per day, every day! We eat lots of different ethnic cuisines and fun flavors and combinations.

It takes about seven exposures for a child (or adult!) to make an actual determination of like or dislike.

My children must taste a new food. Often, they love it immediately. Other times, they express, “No, thank you.”

I know what my children prefer (and it’s not chicken nuggets and French fries!). They have opinions, preferences. They are people too. I respect them.

I only offer something new once or maybe twice a week.

Sometimes, I will make a meal that I know a particular child doesn’t like so I make an exception to my rule to prepare leftovers or a plainer version they would rather enjoy. I’m not mean. I know everyone has preferences and I will make concessions.

For example, I’ll make cream cheese-stuffed chicken wrapped in bacon, but I make it three ways: plain chicken wrapped in bacon, and cheese-stuffed with and without bell peppers. It’s technically the same meal, but everyone ends up happy.

I often make several different side dishes so everyone eats a good vegetable. I know my son likes cauliflower and I love carrots and everyone likes broccoli, so I steam a veggie blend for everyone to pick out what they prefer. When we have salad, I provide a minibar of raw vegetables and fruits for everyone to get what they like.

We mostly drink water. We occasionally have juice or natural soda for special occasions and weekly pizza night.

Teens seem to go through phases where they think they want to be vegetarian or vegan. They can pick their foods from the choices at table and make their own proteins. It doesn’t usually last long.

Relationships

I feel that a sense of entitlement also often spills over into relationships.

We’ve had too many run-ins this last year with parents whose children can do no wrong. These families offer no apologies and revert blame onto anyone else. They’re bullies.

I’ve had to confront parents whose kids have physically assaulted mine, lied about it, bragged about it, and experienced no consequences. So, these kids have learned they can get away with horrendous behavior.

And these parents gloss over it:

“Kids will be kids.”

“They’re not responsible for emotional outbursts since they’re just kids.”

“Boys will be boys.”

No.

A human over the age of 12 is certainly responsible for his actions and should know right from wrong. This is about the age that abstract thinking engages. But a human mind isn’t fully developed until age 25.

My kids are not my equals.

They must be respectful in their words and attitudes.

We talk to our kids and model appropriate behavior, including apologizing and forgiving. We teach courtesy, that dying art.

We teach respect when we go out, tipping wait staff generously and being polite to everyone.

Compassion is very important.

Because all relationships matter.

We’re certainly not perfect.

My kids occasionally whine or complain and I know I do too when I don’t get my way. We’re all growing and learning together.

I gently guide my kids to what is right. I teach them what is wrong.

I encourage them to be responsible and make amends for mistakes, apologizing and seeking forgiveness when necessary.

Because we’re raising servant leaders for a better world.

Resources:

• Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross
• Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg
• Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner