Parenting Teens

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September 16, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 17 Comments

Teens often say harsh things to their parents.

I get my feelings hurt, but I have to push that aside and realize that teens are learning how to be people, just as I am still learning how to be people.

Teens are sorting their identity and trying on new personalities and clothing and seeing how words taste in their mouths.

Most of what teens say in the heat of a moment, they don’t really mean in their hearts.

I hate you! You’re controlling! This is abuse!

Teens haven’t developed self-control, achieved maturity, or discovered the ability to critically think about consequences to their words and actions.

Essentially, teens are just big toddlers who eat a lot of chips and ask for the keys to the car.

While I have made many mistakes and did my own share of discovering who I was as a person and parent, I will not apologize for how I raised my kids.

I did my best until I knew better, then I did better.

My mental load as a parent is off the charts high. I consider everything and try to be proactive with our four kids.

I examine our faith ideals, military life, homeschool education, value systems, health, and investments to provide the best start in life that I can for my kids.

It’s a constant battle with our culture, media, peers, teachers, even my spouse at times.

In our society, it’s the norm to push our kids out the door as babies and toddlers in daycare with underpaid and undermanned teachers, then as preschoolers, elementary kids, middle schoolers, high schoolers off to overcrowded school buildings with frazzled teachers as they’re corralled into same age groups.

We wonder why teens don’t respect us or value our opinions.

Teens (and even some kids and tweens) are more attached to their peers than to adults. It’s the blind leading the blind. We can’t parent teens like we parent small kids who literally need us as parents for survival.

Many of us go against our instincts and better judgment and listen to the “experts” who tell us to let our kids be independent, unattached, cry it out.

Parenthood is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired. Attachment is not a behavior to be learned but a connection to be sought.
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld

There’s a line drawn between adults and kids. There’s a bitter battle in western society between adults and kids, and especially teens. Our society teaches that parents are adversaries and kids should rebel. Childism is a real thing as they’re constantly told they’re powerless and voiceless but to hurry up and grow up and be compliant and responsible.

Parenting Teens is Tough

Faith

I wasn’t raised in church, so I was a blank slate. I wanted my kids to grow up in church. My husband was Presbyterian, so we tried that in the beginning.

I remember friends doing youth group and hanging out on Sunday and Wednesday nights with their parents and lots of church friends. That sounded so desirable to me.

I wanted my family to have church culture.

Then we moved.

And we moved.

Then we moved again.

I researched and found Independent Baptist, not realizing how fundamentalist it was. We left that after a few years of utter brainwashing.

We tried an inclusive Lutheran church, but when that church got a new LCMS pastor, we left.

When we moved again, we went back to Presbyterian. It was so lukewarm that we left for good.

I’m tired of not fitting in, fighting leadership in pew-warming established cliquey white suburban conservative churches, being transient in new communities.

I don’t value youth groups because it’s not about vertical culture, being taught by mature adults to impressionable youth. It’s more about horizontal culture, peer attachment, and socializing. There is value in that, but kids get more than enough. The church really doesn’t have to mimic society.

Many churches pride themselves of separating families by age groups at the door, and even gender in some places. Babies go to nursery, and kids get corralled to same age classes. Adults are often divided into groups by demographic, interest, or family dynamic. While many think this is great and it’s a sign of the church’s power and affluence to have that much space and the numbers to provide it, but it’s just destroying family values and parent attachment by perpetuating the culture of childism and separation.

My vision of religious culture is different now.

My kids have a faith foundation because we do much reading and working as a family to learn more about love, hope, and church history.

For now, our family has unanimously decided to take a break from church attendance.

Education

We tried homeschooling back in 2005, planning to eventually go back to “normal” but that just never happened.

Homeschooling afforded us so much freedom to travel, explore, learn in new and exciting ways.

Sure, we had some flops with curriculum and co-op, but we learned from it.

As I look back over all the fun experiences we’ve had over the years – in several U.S. states and in Europe, I am amazed.

We were challenged and learned about things we never would have in schools.

If the kids had attended school – public, private, church, DoD, we couldn’t have accomplished so much or been together.

Sometimes, they balk and wish they attended school and fear they’re missing out, but we slog through those difficult feelings.

It’s very difficult to be undermined by “experts” who think fitting into society by attending government school is the only answer to socialization.

The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship.
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld

I struggle sometimes with providing all the resources for their often fleeting interests and passions. I don’t push hard and sometimes they wish I did and sometimes they wish for me to be even more laidback. It’s never a win-win.

Today, it might be art. Tomorrow it might be guitar. Next week, it’s French.

Military Life

It’s been really hard moving around every few years.

We have few friends, and often only for short periods of time. Family is far away and we don’t even know them anymore.

Incessant transplanting has rendered us anonymous, creating the antithesis to the attachment village.
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld

This is my biggest regret, but I wouldn’t trade it for permanence in a mediocre place.

We’ve had so many wonderful opportunities we could never have afforded without the military sending us to live in Hawaii and Europe. Even Texas, Utah, and Ohio gave us interesting options. And I accept the bad with the good.

I know as kids get older, they look at other lifestyles and wonder and even sometimes wish for what they could have had. Comparison is hard.

But this life has offered them resilience and many other life skills.

We’re getting tired though.

Parenting

I knew I wanted to raise my kids differently than I was raised.

The fundamentalist evangelical Christian church encourages hitting children to control their behavior and break their “sinful” wills. This is one of the reasons we left church.

We knew there were better ways to parent and we researched and read and realized we had no real role models.

I wish I had known gentle parenting from the beginning, but we live in a Puritanical shaming society that teaches, encourages, and uses abuse in church, school, and home to control children. This is the norm. Anything different gets side-eye from other parents. The mom wars, the judgment.

I have few rules. I expect kindness above all, and that pretty much solves most of the issues that arise in our home. We discuss boundaries and reasons, cause and effect, consequences.

There’s so much more to parenting than controlling screen time, rewards, punishments, tracking teens’ whereabouts through GPS devices, and complaining about their messy rooms.

We’re so often disappointed by others who aren’t kind and don’t understand gentleness and love – other kids, parents, leaders, teachers. It makes us sad.

I’ve made many mistakes as a parent and I am constantly evolving.

Teen brains are still developing. They don’t know how to make the connections between rules and consequences during emergencies. They still need lots of grace and guidance.

Parenting tweens and teens isn’t so much about letting go, as it is about hanging on for the roller coaster ride.

I try really hard not to take things personally. I try to read their mood and not react. I try to remain silent and not offer unsolicited advice.

It hurts when they tell me they don’t appreciate me or my jokes or my history or my reasons.

I’ve learned to accept and think about what they say rather than just waiting to reply.

All parenting is about connection. Attachment.

Health

It’s important to address teen health issues – both physical and mental.

Teens are under so much stress that can affect their health.

Vitamin deficiencies can become prevalent with poor teen or college diet. Fast food and energy drinks are popular, cheaper, and easier than meals.

Physical health issues can mimic many mental health disorders. It’s important to keep up with annual physicals and labs to monitor health.

Girls seem so much more prone to being low in iron, B, and D.

Mental health should be addressed as easily or even more than physical health.

Teens are learning to navigate relationships and it’s often very taxing on their emotions when friendships are troubled or just end.

Depression and anxiety seem to be much more common and should be addressed. Proper coping mechanisms need to be learned.

Professionals can offer resources or even short term meds to help teens and young adults deal with the stress of high school, college, exams, relationships, and identity issues.

Outside and nature time is important. Free play, privacy, and quiet time are important – even for teens. Too many tweens and teens get so busy that they’re indoors all day, every day and it’s not healthy.

While I don’t limit screen time, I do realize social media is a poor replacement for real connection. So I talk to my teens about my concerns and how dangerous the Internet and social media can be. We discuss comparisons and the unreality of the Instamodels and their curated perfection.

We have ongoing age-appropriate discussions about sexuality. This cannot just be a one-time talk about what goes where, and please don’t do it until you’re over 30.

I don’t talk to others about my kids without their permission, and this includes siblings. I don’t post pictures or information about them online without their permission. I don’t go through their rooms or personal items without permission. They are people and have rights to their privacy. (There are times when I would break this rule to protect them and others.)

Trust is important.

I do want them to be able to talk to me about anything, even if it makes me very uncomfortable.

We have family dinners every night. We take evening walks almost every night. We play cards and tabletop games. We read together. We create together. I think balance is key.

I’m a coach, modeling to my kids how to live their best life. They learn to make wise decisions by making mistakes. Failure and natural consequences are the best teachers.

Adult children

When children reach the age of 18, they are considered legal adults and can vote, register for the draft, join the military, drive a car at any time, purchase tobacco products and sex toys.

Kids who are 18 can’t rent a car or hotel room. Some apartments won’t rent to anyone under age 21. Vehicle insurance is exorbitant until the late-20s. Few can be approved for an auto loan at a good rate.

Our society is confusing in that most 18 year olds are still in their last year of high school, having to request permission to use a toilet, but they’re expected to be mature, functioning adult members of society. They’re criticized for everything they do and say and monitored in stores as potential shoplifters, even more so if they’re not white. It’s assumed they can’t function without their faces aglow from the social media apps on their smartphones.

Expectations don’t meet the reality of the stresses teens and young adults face.

Even working full-time at an entry-level job, it is very difficult for young adults to achieve financial independence from parents.

College loans and credit cards are financial traps for young adults.

Without higher education from a technical or trade school, college or university, or apprenticeship, most employers aren’t interested.

It’s frustrating that most jobs my peers and I held as a teen – babysitting, pet sitting, household chores, yard work…aren’t available to teens as many adults vie for these flexible positions and many parents want to hire more qualified and certified adults to watch their children and pets and do their undesirable chores (but not with equal pay).

We invested in 529 plans for each of our children for higher education. We expect them to work part time jobs to make up any differences or to supplement their wants. We encourage them to apply for scholarships and work study programs to offset costs for higher learning. And all this builds character.

As a parent of teens, I must help my children navigate this tumultuous transition into adulthood.

There are so many ups and downs. Our society assumes that arguments and strife is normal, but it doesn’t have to be. Relationships evolve over time. I am still a mother and I still have children, though they’re older, hopefully wiser, and have more freedoms. And I can’t take things personally. I have to take a step back and remember when I was their age. I am here to assist and coach.

If you want to have a good relationship with your teenagers, you need to begin developing that relationship when the kids are very young.

Parents who control young children and treat them harshly won’t magically have great open relationships with their teens. Once they reach the ability to think abstractly, they will naturally questions rules and seek to be independent and authoritarian parents can’t handle that. Threats and punishments often backfire. Creating a prison of home doesn’t make anyone want to cooperate. Then parents want to take the easy way out and give up, shipping kids to relatives or military school, or something drastic.

Trust doesn’t just happen overnight. You can’t be a rule-cracking authoritarian and long for warm embraces and meaningful conversations from a distant and hesitant teen.

You develop trust from babyhood, working, failing, struggling, apologizing, loving – and doing it all over. Yes, it’s exhausting, and it can be heartbreaking, but it’s the most rewarding thing in the world.

Parenting teens requires diligence, consistency, honesty, forgiveness, and patience.

Linking up: Blogghetti, Welcome Heart, Modest Mom, Kingdom Bloggers, Love My Cottage, Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, Kippi at Home, Home Stories, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Mary Geisen, InstaEncouragments, Purposeful Faith, Twinkly Tues, Home Away, Our Three Peas, Sarah Frazer, Anchored Abode, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Welcome Heart, My Life Abundant, Wise Woman, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Gingersnap Crafts, Penny’s Passion, Apron Strings, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, Over the Moon, TFT, CKK, Try it Like it, Quiet Homemaker, Answer is Choco, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, SITS Girls, OMHG, Pieced Pastimes, Fireman’s Wife, Grandma’s Ideas, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith, Flour Me with Love,

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Teaching My Daughters to Take Up Space

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September 2, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 17 Comments

I notice when men walk toward me without even slowing their pace because they expect me to clear the way. I see men raise their eyebrows in surprise when I don’t move aside for them. I resist the urge to be “polite.”

I remember when I began Kindergarten, the boys hogged the Legos and girls were directed to play House and Dolls or another quiet feminine role activity.

I wanted to play Legos.

I felt lost for through most of elementary school because I didn’t fit into the traditional gender role. I was a tomboy. I liked to be outside. I liked bugs and critters, exploring the swamp, climbing trees.

Middle school and high school were a nightmare because I didn’t know how to navigate the new relationships my peers formed.

I quickly learned to be ashamed of my intelligence and over achiever attitude and stay silent in the classroom.

I was bullied. I got death threats – from girls!

I saw how boys controlled the narrative with each other, girls, teachers, authorities.

Growing up as a Southern girl, I was taught to be small and silent, deferential to elders and especially men. Compliance and subservience was goodness.

While I teach my daughters to take up space, I have to teach my son how to make room.

I try to use gender-free language.

I don’t accuse my girls of being unladylike. I remember how that made me feel, growing up in a Southern household with those ridiculous and impossible ideals.

I tell all my kids to be polite, kind, and respectful.

I don’t tell my son “to man up” or not to cry. I tell my kids to have courage and be strong, even if it’s scary. And that it’s ok to cry and have strong emotions.

In How to play Patriarchy Chicken, Dr. Charlotte Riley writes, “The point is that men have been socialised, for their entire lives, to take up space. Men who would never express these thoughts out loud have nevertheless been brought up to believe that their right to occupy space takes [precedence] over anyone else’s right to be there. Women have not been socialised to take up space. Women have been socialised to give way, to alleviate, to conciliate, and to step to the side.”

It’s frustrating for my girls to be silenced, interrupted, overlooked. Naturally, they want to shrivel and become invisible. It’s embarrassing and we always feel like we’re in the wrong. What did we do to deserve this treatment?

As my girls grow to be teens, the world becomes scarier as we read and hear about assault in the news and on social media. My girls have experienced harassment and inappropriate language from men.

I actively teach my daughters their voice is valid.

I listen. I follow. I learn. I do better – as a parent and as a woman.

How I Teach My Daughters to Take Up Space

Don’t be careful. Be safe!
Don’t be quiet. Speak up!
Always be willing to listen and learn.
Healthy pride in personal achievements. Don’t downplay skills!
Cooperation is often better than conflict, but don’t back down. Be tactful and fight for your rights.
Our society has an impossible ideal of beauty. Be yourself in all your imperfect glory.
Protect your sisters. Reach over and pull them up. Never push them down with words, actions, or thoughts.
Lots and lots of books and films with great female and minority characters.
No restrictions on clothing choices, except for safety and weather conditions. Appearances aren’t what’s most important. I allow for self-expression even if it makes me uncomfortable.
Unconditional love. No matter what.

As a mother of three girls, we hold that space. Perhaps others should step aside to make room for us.

In many cultures, girls are worthless and it’s devastating financially for a family to have more than one daughter. All children should be celebrated and honored.

As a parent, it’s my job to teach my kids how to function in healthy ways as citizens.

Linking up: Create with Joy, Kippi at Home, Flour Me with Love, Mostly Blogging, Little Cottage, Welcome Heart, Abounding Grace, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Purposeful Faith, InstEncouragements, Mary Geisen, Confessions of a New Mummy, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Sarah Frazer, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Uncommon Suburbia, Being aWordsmith, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, CKK, Over the Moon, TFT, Life Abundant, Wise Woman, Embracing Change, Apron Strings, Try it Like it, Kingdom Bloggers, OMHG, Pieced Pastimes, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Grandma’s Ideas, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Life with Lorelai,

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Teaching My Son to Make Room

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September 2, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 10 Comments

I could just stand back and let my son grow up like previous generations before him – clueless, blind, privileged, obnoxious.

I’m an only child.

I don’t have much experience with boys – other than my father, cousins, classmates, coworkers, my husband.

Most of those experiences are negative.

Growing up as a Southern girl, I was taught to be small and silent, deferential to elders and especially men. Compliance and subservience was goodness.

Inside I always seethed against this injustice.

My father even said out loud when I was a rebellious teen he would have raised me differently had I been a boy, and I took it as the gravest insult, but I think I may know what he meant now.

While I teach my daughters to take up space, I have to teach my son to make room.

I try to use gender-free language.

I don’t accuse my girls of being unladylike. I remember how that made me feel, growing up in a Southern household with those ridiculous and impossible ideals.

I tell all my kids to be polite, kind, and respectful.

I don’t tell my son “to man up” or not to cry. I tell my kids to have courage and be strong, even if it’s scary. And that it’s ok to cry and have strong emotions.

In “How to play Patriarchy Chicken,” Dr. Charlotte Riley writes, “The point is that men have been socialised, for their entire lives, to take up space. Men who would never express these thoughts out loud have nevertheless been brought up to believe that their right to occupy space takes [precedence] over anyone else’s right to be there. Women have not been socialised to take up space. Women have been socialised to give way, to alleviate, to conciliate, and to step to the side.”

So I must actively teach my son to make room for others.

He is already aware of his privilege in a house full of girls. We do baby him, cater to him, fawn over him – since he’s the youngest. We’re all teaching him how to be the most loving and kind man we would ever want to see or meet.

How I Teach My Son to Make Room

Be aware of yourself and others.
Let others go first. Be polite, kind, and courteous.
Let others speak until they’re finished.
Speak up if you see someone doing something wrong.
Keep a respectful distance. “This is your dance space and this is their dance space.”
Self-control. No means no.
Fail. Lose. Try. Learn. Winning isn’t everything.
Lots and lots of books and films with great female and minority characters.
No restrictions on clothing choices, except for safety and weather conditions. Appearances aren’t what’s most important. I allow for self-expression even if it makes me uncomfortable.
Unconditional love. No matter what.

As a parent, it’s my job to teach my kids how to function in healthy ways as citizens.

Linking up: Create with Joy, Kippi at Home, Flour Me with Love, Mostly Blogging, Little Cottage, Welcome Heart, Abounding Grace, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Purposeful Faith, InstEncouragements, Mary Geisen, Confessions of a New Mummy, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Sarah Frazer, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Uncommon Suburbia, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, CKK, Over the Moon, Life Abundant, TFT, Wise Woman, Embracing Change, Apron Strings, Try it Like it, OMHG, Pieced Pastimes, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Grandma’s Ideas, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Life with Lorelai, Being aWordsmith,,

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Celebrating Lammas Day

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August 1, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

Lammastide or Lughnasadh/Lughnasa falls at the halfway point between the Summer Solstice and Autumn Equinox.

Lammas means “loaf-mass” in Anglo-Saxon.

The focus was on either the early harvest aspect or the celebration of the Celtic god Lugh.

August 1 is a festival to mark the annual wheat harvest, and is the first harvest festival of the year. On this day it was customary to bring to church a loaf made from the new crop, which just began to be harvested.

After the grain is harvested, it is milled and baked into bread, which is then consumed. It is the cycle of the harvest come full circle.

The grain dies so that the people might live. Eating this bread, the bread of the gods, gives us life. If all this sounds vaguely Christian, it should be. In the sacrament of Communion, bread is blessed, becomes the body of God and is eaten to nourish the faithful. This Christian Mystery echoes the pagan Mystery of the Grain God.

Lammas coincides with the feast of St. Peter in Chains, commemorating St. Peter’s miraculous deliverance from prison.

In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet (1.3.19), it is observed of Juliet, “Come Lammas Eve at night shall she [Juliet] be fourteen.” Since Juliet was born Lammas eve, she came before the harvest festival, which is significant since her life ended before she could reap what she had sown and enjoy the bounty of the harvest, in this case full consummation and enjoyment of her love with Romeo.

We especially enjoyed visiting the Trier Cathedral Harvest Festival. Many churches in Europe and the UK have lovely harvest altars, thanking God for His bounty.

Lammas is a festival of regrets and farewells, of harvest and preserves.

Reflect on the year in your journal or share with others around a bonfire. Lughnasa is one of the great Celtic fire-festivals.
Look up the myths of any of the grain Gods and Goddesses and discuss with your family and friends.
Go to a county fair to celebrate the end of summer, school beginning, harvest.
Make corn dollies, herb wreaths or garlands, bake bread. Cute kids crafts here.
Go on a nature walk and look at the changes.
Sing songs and roast food over the fire.

Robert Burns published the poem John Barleycorn in 1782, and there are various modern versions:

There were three men come out of the west, their fortunes for to try
And these three men made a solemn vow, John Barleycorn would die
They’ve ploughed, they’ve sown, they’ve harrowed, thrown clods upon his head
Till these three men were satisfied John Barleycorn was dead
Refrain: There’s beer all in the barrel and brandy in the glass
But little Sir John, with his nut-brown bowl, proved the strongest man at last
They’ve let him lie for a long long time till the rains from heaven did fall
And little Sir John sprang up his head and so amazed them all
They’ve let him stand till midsummer’s day and he looks both pale and wan
Then little Sir John’s grown a long long beard and so become a man
{Refrain}
They’ve hired men with the sharp-edged scythes to cut him off at the knee
They’ve rolled him and tied him around the waist, treated him most barbarously
They’ve hired men with the sharp-edged forks to prick him to the heart
And the loader has served him worse than that for he’s bound him to the cart
So they’ve wheeled him around and around the field till they’ve come unto a barn
And here they’ve kept their solemn word concerning Barleycorn
They’ve hired men with the crab tree sticks to split him skin from bone
And the miller has served him worse than that for he’s ground him between two stones
And the huntsman he can’t hunt the fox nor loudly blow his horn
And the tinker he can’t mend his pots without John Barleycorn

Regrets

Think of the things you meant to do this summer or this year that did not come to fruition. You can project your regrets onto natural objects like pine cones, corn husks, or paper and throw them into the fire, releasing them.

Farewells

What or who is passing away from your life? What is over or completed? Say goodbye to it. As with regrets, you can find visual symbols and throw them into the fire. You can also bury them in the ground, perhaps in the form of flower bulbs which will manifest in a new form next spring.

Harvest

What have you harvested this year? What seeds did you plant that are sprouting? Find a visual way to represent these, perhaps creating a decoration in your house or garden to represent this harvest to you. Make a corn dolly or learn to weave grain or grass into artistic designs.

Preserves

This is also a good time for making preserves, either literally or symbolically. As you turn the summer’s fruit into jams, jellies, and chutneys for later, think about the fruits that you have gathered this year and how you can hold onto them. How can you keep them sweet in the stores of your memory?

How do you prepare your hearts for the change in season?

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Schedule with Teens

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July 23, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 10 Comments

It’s slowed down lots now that my kids are older.

When they were little, it seemed like I constantly ran, was perpetually exhausted.

It’s so much easier now.

We protect our time and space for peace.

Each child has only one or two activities so we’re not overscheduled.

My eldest daughter is starting college and does private art lessons.

My middle daughter practices aerial gymnastics and makes jewelry.

My youngest daughter does fall soccer and art lessons.

My son does fall and spring baseball and weekly ninja classes.

They’re all so independent now. Time slips through my fingers.

I try to wake up early to make breakfast, clean the kitchen, start laundry, get my writing completed for the day.

Bedtime is often haphazard. There is seldom snuggling, stories, and prayers anymore. Often, we do reading and devotions after dinner on the sofas after evenings walks and before wind down down, so something definitely is lost and I miss it.

I try really hard to do tuck-ins but it’s often spurned these days. I’m often ready for bedtime and sleeptime before they are.

The best times are when we gather to listen to tree frogs, watch for backyard bats, notice the moon and stars and clouds, have a heron sighting, taste a tomato and herbs that we grew, giddy over first snowflakes, rolling thunder, the smell of rain on a hot summer day, the intricacies of a perfectly formed veiny golden leaf.

I refuse to curate perfection for social media or have a showroom house.

I refuse to give up ties to Nature.

We cycle with the seasons.

We seldom set alarm clocks. We’re not rushed. We flow.

There are some things we do year-round for continuity.

It’s just good to be flexible.

Our Schedule with Teens:

In summer, we’re at play.

We sleep late, stay up late with the sunshine.

We eat breakfast or brunch whenever we get up, usually between 8 and 9. The kids pack themselves picnic lunches and hike into the woods. We have family dinners outside on the deck if it’s cool enough.

We catch up on Netflix shows.

We enjoy observing the hummingbirds and woodpeckers and other critters that come to our backyard feeders.

The kids often swim down the street with their friend at his pool. We play with water balloons and water guns.

They go on bike rides or rollerblading.

Boredom is a good thing and sparks imagination and creativity.

We look at the night sky. We watch thunderstorms.

I want to teach them a lifetime of wonder.

In fall, we begin a new school cycle.

We read together every morning after breakfast.

They complete their lessons and have the afternoons mostly to themselves to do what they want.

We cook more with cooler weather. It’s fun trying new recipes.

We go on nature hikes to look at leaves.

Learning is a lifestyle for us, but we are more focused and scheduled in fall and winter.

Family dinners are often rushed, later, or on the go with soccer and baseball season.

We enjoy celebrating the harvest festivals. Fall is a magical time.

In winter, we’re at rest.

While the world seems to go to sleep and become dormant, we snuggle up indoors with candles and blankets.

We read more and watch educational shows.

We practice Hygge.

We still go outside on walks to look at nature changes.

We make soups and stews and bake a lot.

Family dinners are more of an event. We have the time to be more elaborate.

We celebrate feasts and festivals.

In spring, we awaken.

We stretch towards the warm sun like flowers blooming after the winter.

We’re finishing up our school lessons for the year.

We look forward to summer while we watch the world wake up and be reborn.

We greet each new bud and shade of green with awe and joy.

We’re ready for playtime again.

Linking up: Blogghetti, Our Home Away from Home, Flour Me with Love, Kippi at Home, Pinventures, Modest Mom, Kingdom Bloggers, Little Cottage, Me and My Captain, Diary of SAHM, Our Three Peas, Home Stories, Confessions of a New Mummy, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Grandma’s Ideas, Sarah Frazer, OMHG, Insta Encouragements, Anchored Abode, Welcome Heart, My Life ABundant, Ridge Haven Homestead, My Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Gingersnap Crafts, Uncommon Suburbia, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Soaring with Him, Over the Moon, Imparting Grace, Debbie Kitterman, Embracing Change, Shoestring Elegance, Life Beyond the Kitchen, CKK, Rachel Lee, Reflections, Unshakeable Joy, Our Unschooling Journey, Answer is Choco, Anna Nuttall, Chic on a Shoestring, Quiet Homemaker, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Counting My Blessings, A Fireman’s Wife, Crystal Waddell, CWJ, OMHGFF, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith, Create with Joy,

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To My Daughters

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July 15, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 15 Comments

I look at my daughters, ages 12 and 13 and 18, and I wonder what others see.

I see my children.

I see these girls as babies, toddlers, preschoolers, awkward youngsters, now the young women they are growing to be.

But they’re not grown. They are still children.

They may have breasts and periods and stand up tall and straight.

They may look you in the eye, challenge you, laugh at your stupid jokes, be embarrassed for you. They may appear proud and confident and older than they are. They see themselves as equals to others.

They are physically and emotionally strong.

They have a right to be silly, to take up space, to be loud, to have opinions, to be smart, to be sarcastic, to be leaders.

They work together, help others, show compassion and empathy. They also know how and when to compete or cooperate.

I have done all I can to prepare them for a cruel world while protecting their tender hearts.

To My Daughters:

I’m sorry I can’t protect you anymore.

When you were little, I didn’t worry so much about your safety. I gave you boundaries and appropriate freedom to grow and explore. I enjoyed watching you play sports, run and climb trees, bike and rollerblade, play in the creek and snow.

But now that you’re older, I have different fears.

I’m sorry that the state and country we live in considers you grown women when you are children.

But boys aren’t men when they have no healthy rites of passage. I’m sorry they fear our moon-blood cycles.

If (and when) you are assaulted, harassed, groped…you will be asked what you wore, what you said, what your expression was, what you were doing, why did it happen, why didn’t you avoid it.

I’m sorry that our leaders consider women less-than, without a voice, unimportant.

I’m sorry that the patriarchal government doesn’t consider your bodies your own.

I’m sorry that new laws are regressing and it seems like we’re going backwards instead of progressing forward.

I’m sorry that many men and a lot of women are silent and complacent and think it can’t be that bad. It doesn’t affect them, so they ignore it.

I’m sorry that you have to stay together on your walks and be ultra-aware of your surroundings and others.

I’m sorry that you have learned fear.

I’m sorry that our society is leaning farther and farther into dystopian Handmaid’s Tale territory.

I’m sorry so many are so afraid that they’re locking up children and turning away with their hatred. I wish I could say that they don’t realize what they do, but I worry they completely understand and are doing it anyway. History repeats itself.

I’m sorry that our fundamentalist society no longer recognizes the power of the goddess, the life-giver, the glory of the female.

In their fear of female, men (and other women) create laws and rules and regulations to oppress women and children.

Men quickly forget that they are nothing without women. They wouldn’t even have been created or be alive – to complain about women.

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
― Maya Angelou

When or if you become mothers, society will vilify you for everything you do. It will never be enough. You will never be enough. But you will be your child’s universe and goddess. Don’t ever forget that.

I’m sorry that mental health has such a stigma still. You’re gonna be mostly on your own with that. There shouldn’t be shame. It should be like any other health issue. Our country doesn’t care about health.

I’m sorry my generation and previous generations destroyed our environment. I’m sorry for all the single use plastic and straws and toothbrushes and trash I just threw away. I’m sorry we didn’t and don’t do more and it might be too late now.

I’m sorry we wasted years in bad churches. I’m sorry we went down that abusive path in order to find Truth. I’m sorry I contributed to it in my search for God. I’m sorry they didn’t appreciate questions, your intelligence, or your abilities. I pray you find Love.

I’m sorry that higher education is essentially worthless and crazy expensive. I pray that I have prepared you for more.

I’m sorry that racism runs rampant. I’m ashamed to be white. Please use your privilege to call out racism wherever you see it. Educate others how to be kind.

I’m sorry that our society is a feudal system to debt. Consumerism consumes and is forever ravenous. I pray you seek value.

Protest. Speak up. Love.

Watch out for each other. Help each other. Help your friends.

I pray that you are safe.

Linking up: April Harris, LouLou Girls, Uncommon Suburbia, Pinventures, Farmhouse 40, Modest Mom, Welcome Heart, Kingdom Bloggers, Mary Geisen, My Captain, Create with Joy, Abounding Grace, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Sarah Frazer, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Life Abundant, Apron Strings, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, Over the Moon, Reflections from Home, Penny’s Passion, TFT, Try it Like it, Creative K Kids, Chic on a Shoestring, Quiet Homemaker, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Grandmas Ideas, Momfessionals, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Crystal Waddell, CWJ, Fireman’s Wife, OMHG, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith, Purposeful Faith,

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Advice to My Younger Self

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May 27, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I often wish someone had offered suggestions to us as a young family when we struggled for balance.

I didn’t have mentors at all. We knew we wanted a different lifestyle than our parents, peers, siblings, friends.

We didn’t know where to start to streamline our schedules and get the most bang for our buck.

We had to make our own way, lots of mistakes, and lean on each other for the last 14 years. We’re still learning!

It’s often so much newness that you don’t stop to think about the stress.

Finishing up college or grad school, getting married or moving in, new jobs, beginning or changing a career, having babies.

These are all wonderful, exciting things…but they’re also very high on the stress index.

We often don’t stop to realize how all these amazing opportunities and changes stress us out even though we think we’re happy.

It’s important to have a good support network, rely on and trust your spouse, and have a good foundation about your values, priorities, and needs.

I’m 43 now and looking back, I’ve learned a lot from life and…

I have some advice for my younger self.

I should have taken better care of me – my physical and mental health. It’s important and I’m paying the price now. Is this what a mid-life crisis look like?

No one really cares what you look like. Don’t worry so much about it. Wear what you want, what’s comfortable. Do whatever to your hair and makeup. Stretch marks and laugh lines are battle scars. Be yourself.

Speak up. No one knows what you’re feeling or thinking if you don’t tell them. Don’t play childish guessing games.

There is no us and them. We’re all in this together.

5 Areas to Address for Success:

1. Marriage

No name calling, ever.

The only time you should use the words “dummy” or “fool” is when you’re talking about puppets or pudding desserts, respectively. Focus on positive and nonviolent language, even when you’re angry.

Work together as a team.

It’s easy to get lazy and not be as courteous to our spouses as we should be. “Equality” means different things to different couples. Some do their own laundry separately or one cooks and the other does the dishes. If it works, then by all means, continue. But don’t be petty or waste time, money, and energy when it could be more helpful and efficient to work together or help each other out on something. Use gifts, talents, and interests well.

Communicate.

The 3 biggest issues in most marriages are sex, money, and parenting. Most disagreements, misconceptions, arguments, and misunderstandings involve one of these three topics.

Get over your embarrassments, inhibitions, issues, and baggage…and learn how to discuss your needs, desires, wants, and expectations about these things.

The marriage checklist listed in this article is a great place to fill in some gaps.

My favorite marriage book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Money

I don’t like the term “budget” because it’s so narrow and constricting. Most of us are a little flexible and don’t spend the exact same amount on categories each pay period. Using the term “spending plan” is much more accurate for most of us. We’re not disciplined enough to use cash envelopes each month for categories, but I hear it’s successful for some. I think most of us pay bills online and use our check cards for other purchases. Obviously, that requires keeping on top of purchases and receipts, and communicating with your partner.

I use an Excel spreadsheet to track our expenses each month.

If there are separate accounts, make sure to communicate about who is responsible for what. We have a separate account just for our rent and car payment. I have a separate account for all my writing, but it barely breaks even.

Know your income. Know the salary at your job. Make sure to getting what you’re owed. Check pay stubs and make corrections. Get the most income by adjusting withholding for taxes at places of employment. No need to lend that money to the government to get a big tax return. Most of us would rather have that little bit more each paycheck.

Insurance. Research the best options for your family’s needs. Everyone needs affordable health insurance. Shop around for the best auto and renters or homeowners insurance for your situation. And update as your frequently as your lifestyle changes.

Investments. As soon as possible, invest in Roth IRAs and max those babies out. We’re not even there yet. We’ve never been able to max them out. We do have 529s for our 4 kids. That’s a great way to help kids begin their adult lives debt-free, with no student loans!

Debt. List all debt and be honest with yourself. Student loans. Car payments. Child support and alimony. List minimum payments and due dates in order.

Food. This is often a HUGE expense and can be curtailed with some planning. See info about “meals” below.

Gas. This can be a big expense. The USA is a huge gas guzzling empire, and cars are everywhere. Most towns and cities aren’t built for bicycles or pedestrians. Public transportation is minimal and unreliable in most places. If possible, limit your family to one car and plan well – carpooling, limiting errands to 1 or 2 days a week, bicycling and walking more. It cuts down on expenses and pollution.

Miscellaneous. There’s always something, right? We have to be aware of regular expenses and plan for emergencies. Know when car tags are due and put that on your spreadsheet. Spring is a big time for our family’s birthdays. Autumn comes with new curriculum and school supplies and clothes. Summer camps and rec sports for kids can really add up. Holidays can often make for surprises. We don’t give greeting cards anymore and we limit gift-giving.

3. Meals

Prepping and planning. It took me years to develop a good system and I still sometimes struggle.

I try to limit waste and plan meals around store sales and coupons on shopping apps.

Sure, we get bored and have to mix it up sometimes.

We sometimes throw a plan out the window for holidays and celebrations.

We seldom eat out, which saves money. We make our food from scratch which is healthier and more satisfying for us. We don’t like a lot of processed, pre-packaged foods.

Shopping. I tend to shop weekly at Kroger and/or Walmart.

About once a month, I do a big haul at Costco and/or the commissary.

I price compare and keep track of where the better deals are.

I buy bacon, sausage, and cat litter at the commissary.

Cooking. Someone has to make dinner. Every day.

I feel it’s important to have dinner together as a family every night, if possible.

As the kids get older, they help so much with meals and it’s great for us to all to work together.

I often prep and my husband grills.

Occasionally, I serve the kids earlier and have a nicer meal and movie night with my husband.

4. House

Maintenance. Whether it’s an apartment, rental house, or you own your own home, regular maintenance is important. We’ve always rented homes, but we try to stay proactive and let the homeowner know when and if items need repair. We replace filters on time, we keep everything clean, and we maintain the yard and grounds regularly.

Decoration. We are frugal and simple with seasonal and regular home decor. It took me years to find a home style I feel comfortable with that isn’t overwhelming. I’m still evolving and since we move every few years, it allows for some fun updates.

Organization. Everything in its place. If you have to buy storage for your stuff, you have too much stuff. With four growing kids, we had so much stuff for so many years. As they grow and don’t need so much, it’s so refreshing to donate or sell items as they outgrow toys, clothes, and homeschool materials.

5. Children

Discipline. It’s important for spouses to be on the same page about how to raise children.

Chores. Kids really want to help, so let them.

Activities. Less is more. We’ve had seasons of overscheduling and find it’s better for each child to have one extracurricular activity at a time. We do family art lessons and each child has a seasonal or recreational sport.

Day care/Babysitting. Day care is just so expensive. We made a hard choice for me to stay home with the kids to save money and not outsource them to someone else to raise.

While we had a season when we hired babysitters so we could socialize, I regret that now that it didn’t really help our family grow personally or spiritually.

School. There are lots of options for education. Public, private, religious, charter, homeschool. Each has its pros and cons and your family has to make the tough decision how you want your kids educated. And it can even change from year to year, season to season, or with different kids.

We tried homeschooling and never looked back. It was an easy choice for us with moving around so frequently. It allowed so much more freedom for our family to travel and learn how we want.

Religion. Even if it’s not important or an issue for you and your spouse, kids will most likely bring this up at some point. It’s better to have a response in mind beforehand than to have to scramble and stumble with ill-conceived explanations. Know what you believe and why so you can explain, teach, and guide your kids. They will have questions. Don’t be embarrassed or shame them if you don’t know the answers. Find out together.

Setting Goals for the Future:

Sometimes, this is really hard and life throws really fast curveballs.

We’ve had our fair share of struggles and setbacks. We’ve lived through tragedies and adventures we never imagined or planned for and here we are, living to tell about it.

I often think about these things, dream about it, and set goals:

1 year

Where do I want to be a year from now?

Sometimes, we know we’re going to PCS and I make plans for our new location.

I research our homeschool activities and curriculum.

I consider our debt and finances and plan better.

My eldest is beginning college and will probably move into a dorm.

3 years

What dreams do I have for 3 years from now?

I consider what my kids will be doing in our homeschool.

My eldest might be finishing college and starting her career.

My middle girls will be high school age. What do I want that to look like?

5 years

What do we want 5 years from now?

We’re getting close to my husband’s retirement. Where do we want to live? What other job does he want?

My son will be our last child at home. What will his high school years look like?

How can I support my middle girls in their higher education?

What will our relationship look like with my eldest daughter?

10 years

What do I want our family to look like in 10 years?

What am I doing right now to ensure my kids are friends as adults?

How will we juggle relationships with four adult kids who might live all over the world?

How am I managing our finances for our future comfort?

How can I care for my aging parents?

It’s important to set goals and reevaluate your family’s needs at different life stages.

Linking up: Pinventures, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Home Stories, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Penny’s Passion, Mostly Blogging, Mrs. AOK, Creative K Kids, Over the Moon, TFT, Imparting Grace, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Abounding Grace, Create with Joy, Modest Mom, Debbie Kitterman, Apron Strings, Rachel Lee, Anchored Abode, Insta Encouragements, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Welcome Heart, Try it Like it, MaryAndering Creatively, Being a Wordsmith, Anna Nuttall, Quiet Homemaker, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Fireman’s Wife, Susan Mead, Counting My Blessings, Life with Lorelai, CKK, Coffee with Us3, Oh My Heartsie Girl,

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Breaking the Cycle of Negativity

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May 13, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 20 Comments

When I can’t offer grace to myself, I can’t offer grace to others.

I must overcome my hurts and negativity to allow my children to make their own decisions and become resilient.

I have authoritarian parents. I had no voice. I kept my opinions and emotions to myself. I was the poster child for “seen and not heard.” I was naturally quiet and observant.

I grew up in a time when I went to school and then played outside until the streetlights came on. During school breaks and summers, I played outside from sunup until sundown, grabbing lunch, snacks, and drinks at anyone’s house who would have me.

But I went through my childhood and youth in a fog.

Most of my memories are negative.

I remember punishments. I remember being snapped at, complained about, ridiculed, humiliated, smacked, switched, spanked, pushed, yelled at, and isolated in my room.

I remember being told I was worthless when my grades weren’t “good enough” because my “only job was to go to school.”

My interests in art, music, and literature were ridiculed as stupid and worthless towards a good career. I was told I should go to college for business or computers, which were not my interests at all.

I was always a disappointment.

The first few years of my marriage I had PTSD.

I lived in survival mode. I could barely cope with daily activities. Without constant reminders from my parents of how worthless and disappointing I was, I became self-destructive. My inner monologue reminded me all the time.

I couldn’t accept my husband’s affection. I couldn’t trust him (I still struggle).

It only exacerbated the situation that we moved out of state twice, I had to quit my job, began homeschooling my eldest daughter, both my husband’s parents suddenly passed away, and I gave birth to my middle two daughters during that time.

Living away from my parents forced me to confront my issues and seek healing.

It took me about 10 years to start to feel healthy.

My relationship with my parents is a rocky road.

My parents visited us in Utah, mid-May 2011, while my husband was deployed.

My son had just turned one. My middle girls were preschoolers. My eldest was the only one who even really knew my parents.

They stayed in a hotel nearby and graced us with their presence about lunchtime while disrupting our schedule and constantly telling my children to go play in the basement while they sat on the sofa to read the newspaper they brought with them.

I would sit awkwardly in a chair, not sure what to say or do. My heart broke for my children, who were confused.

I was torn between being a daughter and a mother.

It was a miserable few days until they had a tantrum and returned home early.

I received a handwritten letter in the mail a few days after that.

In the letter, my father told me what a horrible mother I was, that I should spank my terrible, ill-mannered children.

So he basically brutally criticized me for not parenting like him.

My kids are great kids. Their eating and resting schedule had been disrupted and they were confused by having virtual strangers in our house and they didn’t know what to expect. They were treated like burdens.

I still have that letter.

A few years later, we visited my parents before leaving for Germany. I figured since they’re in their 70s, I would regret not spending time with them if something happened while we were overseas.

We stayed with them for 11 stressful days.

One day, we went out to a local BBQ place for lunch. My husband ordered and paid for everything and I suggested to my mom and my kids to go find a booth to sit and wait. When we brought the food to the table, my mom literally snatched stuff and snapped at my eldest daughter to give her the food. She acted like a starving person. She acted so selfishly that my kids looked at me with wide, scared eyes, not knowing how to react or what to do. I look back and wonder if she thought she was getting out of the way so my kids could have the rest, but none of us saw it that way. We just do things so differently. We serve our kids first and then take the rest, if there is any. We would have bought more if it had not been enough.

I realize my mother suffers her own demons.

During that same week, my father had promised my son that he would take him to his barber for a haircut and they would have an afternoon out to themselves and maybe get ice cream. Well, my dad had a tantrum and left by himself without informing anyone and got his own haircut and was gone a really long time. It was so heartbreaking to see my son confused and hurt.

I realize my father suffers his own demons.

It was a peaceful time in Germany, for the most part. I read and grew and learned a lot about myself.

We stayed with my parents again for just a few days upon returning from Germany. It was a little bit better this time. We recently moved to Ohio.

My parents promised multiple times to help pay for my eldest daughter’s college education, but they lied and said they never promised that – even though my daughter, husband, and I all remember these promises. They said they would help, but when we told them the price of her tuition in September and December, they hemmed and hawed, then finally paid for both semesters – but after the due dates.

They always ask what we want for Christmas and birthdays.

Then they always say they can’t or won’t get those items for various reasons.

My mom sends seasonal boxes with dollar store items and cheap, generic toys that we often just donate to thrift stores.

A year ago, they didn’t send anything at all for Liz or Tori for Christmas.

My dad didn’t speak to me from October to February. He later admitted his feelings were hurt because he felt I only wanted money.

I’ve come a long way in my self-improvement, but this is all bullshit.

He complains all the time how they have no extra money.

Which I could accept if it were true. And no, things aren’t what’s most important.

But last year, they just bought a third car – a VW Bug Turbo and 2 brand new iPads.

Recently, my mom sent some money for summer camps for my kids and mentioned they’ve never supported me in educating the kids at home.

Wow.

It’s just always so confusing and I never know what to expect. I hate feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. And everything they send always has strings attached.

I realize they parented me the best way they knew how.

I am trying to break generational curses.

My parents can treat me however they want, talk to me however they want…but they can’t hurt my children.

I will break this cycle.

I will be a better mom, a happier and healthier mom.

Ways My Negativity Can Hurt My Kids:

Control

Every aspect of my life was controlled.

I grew up and lived in fear until I was almost 30 years old.

I want my kids to feel free – to talk to me, to feel and express all emotions, have friends, learn how they want, go to college (or not) for what they want to study, eat what and when they like, etc.

Unforgiveness

My parents hold grudges.

Loving unconditionally is not something I ever knew. I had to unlearn and relearn so much.

I have to separate misbehavior, mistakes, unkindness from the person and address the situation without shaming.

Bitterness

My parents are gray with bitterness.

They have so much hate. They have so much anger.

I didn’t know rage and hate were different until a few years ago.

Do I want to be bitter or better?

What I Can Do Better:

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to be self-aware of what upsets me, my triggers – reactions to circumstances that may remind me of abuse or negative memories.

I need to recognize covert and overt narcissistic tendencies in myself, reactions that I learned. Some tendencies that I even see in my children.

I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle I grew up in, but apparently, I’ve inadvertently passed on things to my kids despite all my knowledge and attempts to be better.

There’s always work to be done.

Apology

It’s so important to recognize and address mistakes and when we misspeak. We practice sincere apology.

When I make mistakes, I apologize and ask forgiveness. I model this to my family.

Simplicity

We constantly reevaluate and simplify by minimizing and resting.

Things aren’t what’s most important. We have so many choices, so much material wealth. We can go to the store and purchase almost anything.

Credit cards are a poor option. We want to leave a better legacy for our kids.

Vulnerability

It’s important to me that we all feel safe in our emotions and the ability to discuss everything as a family.

But sometimes, they need privacy and I have to respect that.

While I want to be transparent, I also want to have healthy relationships with my kids and not burden them with adult problems.

It’s a constant balancing of realizing they’re maturing, growing, and learning. I have to adapt to their needs and our changing relationship.

How do you break the cycle?

Linking up: Mrs. AOK, Mostly Blogging, Welcome Heart, Blogghetti, Anita Ojeda, Pinventures, CWJ, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, Modest Mom, MaryAndering Creatively, Abounding Grace, Jaime Wiebel, Anchored Abode, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Life Abundant, Our Three Peas, Meghan Weyerbacher, Gingersnap Crafts, Sarah Frazer, Becoming Press, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Wise Woman, Soaring with Him, Welcome Heart, Worth Beyond Rubies, Penny’s Passion, Over the Moon, TFT, CKK, Debbie Kitterman, Apron Strings, Crystal Storms, Rachel Lee, Try it Like it, Life with Lorelai, Coffee with Us3, Crystal Waddell, Counting My Blessings, Lyli Dunbar, Susan Mead, CWJ, Momfessionals, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Answer is Choco, Anna Nuttall, The Quiet Homemaker, Being a Wordsmith, Inspo for Moms,

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The Last Time

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May 6, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

It’s often poignant watching my kids grow up.

I made a lot of mistakes with my first child, as parents often do. I was anxious, worried, struggling with my own demons, learning to grow up myself.

With my two middle girls, I learned to be calmer, set better priorities, love well.

With my son, my youngest, I have learned most of my parenting lessons and practice being mindful.

I’m always learning, and always amazed, thrilled, surprised.

My kids are wonderful people and I feel such joy and pride watching them interact with each other, me, their dad, and others.

We seldom know when it’s the last time as a parent.

The last diaper change
The last ride in a carseat
The last time she lets me wash and comb her hair
The last time he says, “Mom, look at me!”
The last third grade math book
The last dandelion given for no reason
The last homeschool lesson
The last driving lesson
The last family vacation

I want my kids to be independent and successful.

Success looks different for each child.

The whole point is to prepare them for the world and gently push them away bit by bit, little birds flying from the nest.

I feel it’s important not to compare my kids to each other or to others, but to recognize that each of my children is a unique person with gifts, struggles, strengths, and room for improvement.

We focus on healthy relationships and emotions.

I feel poignant and bittersweet as my eldest is now 18. And my middle daughter just turned 13. My youngest daughter is turning 12. My son just turned 9.

I want to stop time.

The Last Time

~Author Unknown~

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

Hold your children close, with open hands.

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Celebrating May Day

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April 29, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

May Day is the 1st of May.

May Day or Beltane is an ancient spring festival in the Northern Hemisphere. It’s an astronomical holiday. It’s one of the year’s four cross-quarter days – a day that falls midway between an equinox and solstice. May 1st is between the March equinox and June solstice. The other cross-quarter days are Groundhog Day/Candlemas/St. Brigid’s Day or Imbolc on February 2, Lammas on August 1, and Halloween on October 31. The day stems from the Celtic festival of Beltane, which was related to the waxing power of the sun as the Northern Hemisphere moves closer to summer.

Because the Puritans of New England considered the celebrations of May Day to be licentious and pagan, they forbade its observance and the holiday never became an important part of American culture.

May Day probably was originally a fertility festival in ancient Greece and Roman times.

In Germany, the eve of May Day is Walpurgis Night, and the village youth often play pranks and ours charged a toll to enter the village! They decorated a little evergreen May Tree with ribbons and flowers that is then carried by parade to the village barn or town hall. It stayed there until it completely rotted.

Saint Walpurga, an English abbess and missionary, has been hailed by German Christians since 800 AD for battling “pest, rabies and whooping cough, as well as against witchcraft.” In folklore, Hexennacht, literally “Witches’ Night,” was believed to be the night of a witches’ meeting on the highest peak in the Harz Mountains. Christians prayed to God through the intercession of Saint Walpurga in order to protect themselves from witchcraft. Saint Walpurga was successful in converting the local populace to Christianity. People continue to light bonfires on Saint Walpurga’s Eve in order to ward off evil spirits and witches.

In Hawaii, May Day is also known as Lei Day since 1927.

How to Celebrate May Day

Plant flowers or a tree.

I love getting out in the garden in springtime. I love shopping for vibrant flowers, even if we don’t have much of a budget for them. The kids and I scatter wildflower seeds for a bee and hummingbird garden around Earth Day and May Day.

Make a maypole or personal flower wands.

These are just lovely and fun for all children (and big kids)!

Dance around a maypole.

Dance away the cold winter weather with colorful ribbons and weaving in and out with friends and family.

Make a flower crowns or leis.

These are super fun with real or fake flowers. Makes fun presents!

Have a bonfire.

We use our fire pit in the backyard and roast hot dogs and marshmallows and talk and sing. It’s a fun time.

Give flower baskets.

I love this tradition that must be revived! Make small baskets with some fresh flowers and hang on neighbors doors!

Have an outdoor picnic.

Super easy to gather up some snacks and spend some time in the sunshine at a park or back yard.

Go on a nature walk.

We love exploring nature during season changes to see what’s new.

Read books (especially poetry) about springtime.

May first is the day
When children play,
And hang a basket of flowers
On your doorknob—
and mine. ~Nellie Edge

How do you welcome May?

Linking up: Pinventures, Inspo for Moms, Create with Joy, Welcome Heart, Blogghetti, Squishable Baby, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, Timeless Mama, Abounding Grace, Insta Encouragements, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Becoming press, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Penny’s Passion, Over the Moon, TFT, Apron Strings, Debbie Kitterman, Crystal Storms, Rachel Lee, Try it Like it, CKK, Coffee with Us3, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Crystal Waddell, Lyli Dunbar, Susan Mead, Counting My Blessings, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith,

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