Grieving Family Who Are Still Alive

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April 6, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

We don’t have any family nearby or any relationship with any family anyway.

When my daughter and I told our therapists about the in-laws, they were just like, “Well, that’s a clusterf*ck.”

I really needed the affirmation that it’s not me. I needed an outsider to tell me that I tried really hard to develop a relationship and was met at every turn with negativity, disdain, ridicule. I needed a third party to tell my my parents aren’t the nicest people and that I’m not a bad child.

I’ve always felt out of place – at home, at school, with my own aunts and uncles and cousins, with people whom I thought were my friends over the years and at various places where we’ve lived.

May all that is unforgiven in you Be released. May your fears yield Their deepest tranquillities. May all that is unlived in you Blossom into a future Graced with love.
John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

It was nothing new to me to feel a little awkward around my new family. I just tried harder. and more.

I don’t have any good role models for healthy relationships. I am winging it and reparenting myself and doing my best to raise four healthy children without trauma.

We live in a generation that is highly skilled at allowing connections to fade away. Because of social media and cell phones, we think people are replaceable, and that’s silly. You cannot replace the energy of someone who is genuine especially if they’re putting the consistent effort out, to be in your life. Appreciate them, cherish them, those people are gold.
Sylvester Mcnutt

Grieving Family

My husband’s parents passed away the first year we married. I know it’s really hard for him even still, probably forever.

While most newlyweds stress over which holidays to spend with which inlaws, I never got to have that delight. We’ve never had the ability to travel over the holidays to visit my parents in Georgia or Aaron’s sisters in Illinois after his mom passed.

We moved to Texas our second year of marriage and I tried really hard to develop a relationship with his uncle – which was his entire reason for wanting to move there. A relationship just never developed after two years. We had dinner a couple times and that was about the extent of it. We were just never accepted.

Grieving Sisters

I tried and tried and tried to develop a relationship with his two sisters but it has always been a failure. They don’t want me. As an only child, I am equally devastated and indifferent.

I flew from Utah to Chicago for his youngest sister’s outdoor July wedding with four children, alone, while my husband was deployed. At the time I felt honored my middle girls were requested to be flower girls. My son was barely a year old and spent too much time with babysitters who were strangers to us. My eldest daughter (from a previous relationship) was asked to be an usher until I pitched a minor fit for her to be a junior bridesmaid like the other sister’s daughter. The uncle was even rude to me at the wedding and reception, seriously?

I was picked up from the airport by the middle sister and put my son in a filthy borrowed carseat. She took us to her house and fed my kids eggs and ramen. I was stressed and exhausted and I felt like a burden the entire week as I tried to compensate by cooking every meal for 9 people, cleaning, doing laundry, buying presents. I even disposed of a rodent family in her basement and cleaned up cat pee when the cat freaked out with all the air mattresses my kids were using in her territory.

That might have been the beginning of the end for me.

I had to stop following my husband’s sisters, brothers-in-law, cousins, and uncle because their entire social media is softball, baseball, sports, kitschy crafts, and how great their friends and family are – except me and my kids.

They’ve told my husband to tell me to quit writing and posting online about homeschooling since they feel it’s a kick in the teeth to them, as public school teachers. As if I didn’t teach in various school environments for ten years before committing to homeschooling. I’ve examined my posts and my heart and I’ve tried to be kind, welcoming, open, forgiving over and over again. I realize many families have vast differences and I want to accept and learn from those differences.

For a long time, I just told myself it’s because we didn’t get a lot of time to get to know one another before I married Aaron and we move frequently with the military. I wanted to understand they’re closer to each other than they can ever be to me and my kids. But it’s becoming obvious that I’m not wanted nor welcomed.

I stressed for ten or so years to send the perfect presents of equal value at Christmas and birthdays to his middle sister’s three kids while receiving handmedowns that I wouldn’t even donate to thrift stores and dollar spot junk in return. When I asked to exchange gift cards instead since we moved overseas, it was met with exasperation and online gift lists.

We offered to meet them for dinner when we visited Chicago, which is about an hour away from where they live. We drove 7ish hours for an event that got last minute canceled. They couldn’t fit us into their schedule.

His youngest sister fostered and recently adopted a little girl and I didn’t even know.

I just always wanted to be a part of a big family and have my kids be loved by a big family and it just hurts me that we’re not welcome.

Grieving my Parents

My parents adore my husband. They adore my son.

They don’t care for me or my daughters and they aren’t even trying to hide it. We even often get lesser gifts at holidays.

My parents claim they’re on “a fixed income” which is a great reality for many elderly people, but they own a 3500 sq. ft. house, 3 vehicles, no bills, and a mortgage of $850/month as they sit back and receive several retirement checks and social security that total more than my husband makes.

I try not to be bitter and I seldom ask for anything.

When my parents casually ask any of us what we want for a birthday or Christmas, we never know what the right answer is because we’ve been told so many times to choose something else, that they won’t be able to get that.

I received hate mail after my parents visited me during my husband’s deployment – in May, but not the week of my youngest daughter’s birthday or over Mother’s Day. They refused to stay at my house and instead opted for a nearby hotel. They sauntered over midday, about lunchtime and then naptime for my son. It disrupted our whole schedule and they kept telling my girls to go away and play outside or in the basement. I was super stressed and confused. My mom made my middle daughter cry about something irrelevant. They didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything except sit on my sofa and they were upset my TV was in the basement. Then, they got mad and left early and I later received an actual letter in the mail, outlining everything that’s wrong about me, my children, and my lack of good mothering skills. Also, that I should hit my children to make them never cry and behave perfectly.

I just always envisioned my kids having loving generous grandparents and it hurts me so bad that they don’t.

I never know what to say to my mother. She is disinterested in what the kids or I are ever doing. She doesn’t pay attention when I do tell her anything.

At least once a month, I realize I’ve really messed up again because my father quits communicating with me until I apologize and make amends for asking him to please stop sending me racist emails or he told me what an awful mother I am again and how worthless my almost twenty-year-old daughter is.

After 44 years of hearing how stupid and worthless I am, I wonder if I should just believe it.

I grieve the loss of relationships that never happened. I grieve my husband’s parents whom I never knew and only met a couple times. I grieve the uncle who doesn’t want us. I grieve the sisters I longed for my entire life who don’t want me. I grieve the cousins my children don’t know.

Just like mourning a physical death, my grief is real too. My grief comes in waves, at various times – suddenly and unexpected. I have never chosen to sever ties with anyone. I suffer the loss of something I never even had. There will probably never be closure. It’s never easy.

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.
Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

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My Father is a Racist

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March 30, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

I asked my father to please stop sending me racist emails.

After ignoring me and pouting for a week, he sent me a hateful email telling me that he is proud of being a racist and he can cut me off if I don’t like it.

Well then.

I am 44 years old and my parents are 78. I am an only child.

My parents have disowned me before.

I was 21. They sent me a torn-up copy of their will in the mail and informed me that they had a new one filed with their lawyer, leaving their estate to a local college.

He has ignored me for weeks, months, even years.

I didn’t realize I grew up in an abusive household until very recently. I was spanked as a child, but that was normal for my generation. He seldom hit me after I was a teen, but I have extreme trauma responses to certain verbal phrases and tones of voice. I was frequently told I was stupid and worthless when I disagreed with my parents or didn’t meet their expectations. I was often negatively compared to his mother.

I was not allowed to socialize with anyone who wasn’t White. This wasn’t exceptionally difficult until I was a teenager since there really just weren’t that many non-Whites in my elementary school or neighborhood and races often separated themselves at lunch and on the playground throughout high school and college. I didn’t understand or think much about it then. It’s just the way things were.

He was often traveling when I was growing up. He always said he hated it and he had anxiety from the stress, but it was much more pleasant for my mom and me not having him around much.

I couldn’t have friends over to the house if he was home.

I don’t remember him being at any of my birthday parties.

He didn’t come to the hospital when I attempted suicide.

He refused to come to my first wedding.

He refused to attend my graduation ceremony when I earned my Master’s degree in education.

He didn’t visit me when I gave birth to my son.

He sent me hate mail while my husband was deployed the first time, telling me what an awful mother I am.

He had a tantrum and broke promises to my children when we stayed briefly at my parents’ house during our PCS from Germany to Ohio.

He’s told me many times that it’s all my fault, that I am disrespectful and selfish.

Since I always put myself last, it especially hurts deep when I’m called selfish.

It’s really hard sometimes.

Therapists makes it sound so easy that I should find and have a support system. Moving every 2-4 years with the military makes that harder than it should be.

I’ve never had a support system. I am all I have.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells all the time.

Grief is real.

Though its way is to strike
In a dumb rhythm,
Stroke upon stroke,
As though the heart
Were an anvil,
The hurt you sent
Had a mind of its own.
Something in you knew
Exactly how to shape it,
To hit the target,
Slipping into the heart
Through some wound-window
Left open since childhood.
While it struck outside,
It burrowed inside,
Made tunnels through
Every ground of confidence.
For days, it would lie still
Until a thought would start it.
Meanwhile, you forgot,
Went on with things
And never even knew
How that perfect
Shape of hurt
Still continued to work.
Now a new kindness
Seems to have entered time
And I can see how that hurt
Has schooled my heart
In a compassion I would
Otherwise have never learned.
Somehow now I have begun to glimpse
The unexpected fruit
Your dark gift had planted
And I thank you
For your unknown work.
John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

I just tried to set a small but clear boundary: stop sending me racist emails.

I couldn’t reply to his email or call him like he requested. I knew I would make it worse since I was so hurt, upset, and angry.

I try to capitulate. I try to write his attitudes off as old, retired Army, the way he grew up in the 50s. But those are just lame excuses. There are numerous others his age, military, with similar circumstances who are not racist.

Every time I think things are good, going well, I am shocked into this twisted reality where my parents are not good people, not nice people.

Then he sent me another email over the weekend that he had received his birthday card and orchid and apparently all is well.

This is not normal behavior. I shouldn’t have to appease him with gifts like he’s a god, like he thinks he is.

Is this the precursor to dementia, Alzheimer’s? I grew up with this kind of abuse cycle, but is it getting worse or is it that I’m just older and won’t abide it?

This can’t be ok.

We cannot control another’s behavior, but we can control our own response to another’s behavior.

Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.
Mandy Hale

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Loving Each Child

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January 6, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Children need love and attention from their parents, but having two or more children can pose a challenge for moms and dads to spread the warmth evenly.

Sometimes this imbalance occurs when siblings are sharply different in terms of talents and personality.

Giving children equal attentiveness is important to their happiness and starts with parents appreciating their uniqueness.

“Children are unique, unknown little people waiting to be revealed,” Lynch says. “Parents need to ask themselves, how can I embrace these differences and make each child feel and recognize their beautiful uniqueness? “Let the mystery of who they are and who they are meant to be unfold in their own authentic way, however awesome or peculiar it is. Everyone is different and it’s important to make every child feel special, important and loved.”

Tips to help parents balance attention on multiple children who have different interests, personalities, and talents:

Give them quality one-on-one time.

Consistently taking time to give your children one-on-one time, Lynch says, shows them you care and that they are important. “This means no phones, no distractions, and being 100 percent present with your child,” Lynch says. “Make eye contact, ask questions, and just listen and let them lead at whatever activity or interaction is taking place. This makes them feel safe, in control and loved.”

Celebrate their uniqueness.

An imbalance in parental attention can lead to siblings comparing themselves — never a good idea because that can create jealousy and low self-esteem, thus accentuating a sibling rivalry. At the same time, children may think the parent is showing favoritism. “Susie may be faster than Johnny, but Johnny may be a brilliant chess player,” Lynch says. “So when they begin to compare themselves with their siblings, take that conversation and turn it into how great it is that they each have a place that shines. And bring in more examples of how their differences are beautiful and important. Set up scenarios showing examples of how those differences are good.”

Show your love for them.

“You obviously love your children, so don’t be afraid to show it,” Lynch says. “Give them that authentic shout-out, or the gentle, grace- filled redirection and encouragement when they need to try again at something, whether it’s poor behavior or just losing a game. Leave the shame out of it.”

Validate them but be authentic.

When it comes to praise, Lynch says quality is much more important than quantity. “Children can recognize a fake compliment a mile away,” Lynch says. “They know if you’ve really seen them or not. They know if it’s from the heart or just surface praise.” “In these ways, showing appreciation for who each of them are will help your children develop confidence in themselves,” Lynch says.

“They will take your lead and begin to find other amazing things about themselves and their friends. Making each of your very different children feel truly loved and valued will help them grow up to be happy and responsible adults.”

Jennifer Lynch, author of the children’s book Livi and Grace, is an educator and child advocate who serves as a guardian ad litem, a person appointed to represent a child’s interests in a court case. She has worked as a special education teacher for an elementary school and as a preschool teacher. In addition, Lynch created the You Are Good brand of T-shirts and other products for sale and for donations. Thousands of the shirts have been donated to children and teenagers in the system. She holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Texas A&M University.

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Best Books of 2019

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December 30, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 15 Comments

I can’t remember how many books I read this past year, but I average about 1-2 per week. Which means that sometimes I stay up very late to finish a book.

I love reading, like, a lot.

I get many books from my local libraries. I love that I can borrow eBooks and read them within three weeks!

I was today years old when I realized I could organize my Kindle eBooks into categories within the app. I was up until 2 AM and still have about 400 books to categorize.

I won’t give up on a book even if I hate it.

I’ve read White Teeth twice. My daughter was assigned it in a college course and I thought maybe I would like it more the second time around. Nope.

My Favorite Books I Read in 2019

Weapons of Mass Instruction: A Schoolteachers’ Journey Through the Dark World of Compulsory Schooling by John Taylor Gatto

I’m anti-school. I taught for ten years and we’ve homeschooled for sixteen years. While most of the experiences mentioned in this book was not surprising to me, the history of American public schooling is insidious. I love all Gatto’s books.

Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong by James W. Loewen

Growing up in and teaching in Georgia public schools, I can say that yes, I was taught incorrect and biased history from poorly written textbooks and we rarely even finished each school year.

Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig

A super important book for anyone who has ever suffered from anxiety or depression or considered suicide.

Fear of Flying by Erica Jong

A bit of a break for me, but very enjoyable and funny. I love this feminist manifesto, pseudo autobiography.

You Are Not Special…and Other Encouragements by David McCullough, Jr.

A profound expansion of a popular commencement speech—a call to arms against a prevailing, narrow, conception of success. Perfect for the “everyone gets a trophy” generations.

Parenting Forward: How to Raise Children with Justice, Mercy, and Kindness by Cindy Wang Brandt

A wonderful introduction to respectful, progressive parenting in these challenging times. I found myself nodding and cheering as I agreed with just about everything in this book.

Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gordon Neufeld

A great book for parents of older kids and teenagers. Family is super important to me and I want my kids to feel safe and happy in my home. I know friends and peers matter a lot to kids because society portrays this as normal. But family matters more and should have more influence than peers.

The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost by Jean Liedloff

American writer Jean Liedloff spent two and a half years in the South American jungle, living with indigenous peoples. The experience demolished her Western preconceptions of how we should live and led her to a radically different view of what human nature really is. She offers a new understanding of how we have lost much of our natural well-being and shows us practical ways to regain it for our children and for ourselves.

See my favorite books of 2018. See my favorite life-changing books.

What did you read recently?

Linking up: Create with Joy, Flour me with Love, Kippi at Home, April Harris, LouLou Girls, Penny’s Passion, Apron Strings, Anchored Abode, Worth Rubies, Mommynificent, CKK, TFT, InstaEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, Our Home, Debbie Kitterman, Fluster Buster, Girlish Whims, Life Beyond the Kitchen, OMHGW, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Lyli Dunbar, Fireman’s Wife, Create with Joy, OMHGF, Bijou Life, Anita Ojeda,

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Respectful Parenting During the Holidays

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December 4, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 15 Comments

The holidays are a busy time and many children are manipulated in order to receive presents.

I don’t ever like how children are treated differently than adults, but it really frosts me around the holidays.

No one forces adults to do something they don’t want to do. No one asks adults insulting questions.

Respectful Parenting During the Holidays

All children are good.

I don’t buy into the idea of naughty or nice.

I don’t like it when strangers, friends, acquaintances, or relatives ask my kids if they’ve been good this year.

Behaviors don’t imply inherent goodness or badness.

We don’t believe in rewards or punishments. We communicate and discuss emotions and issues. We work through disagreements and big feelings.

Behavior is just communication. It is adults who judge behaviors as “good” or “bad.” Most kids act age appropriately.

Children long to do good and desire connection with caregivers, family members, friends.

All children are good.

Research reveals that a person’s “goodness” was seen by both age groups as more of a biological, innate trait than “badness.” Both children and adults were more likely to say that goodness, rather than badness, was something with which people are born and a fundamental, unchanging part of who they are.
Larisa Heiphetz

No threats.

I loathe the Elf on a Shelf and all its many variations.

I don’t need spies on my children.

I don’t control or manipulate my kids.

Even a funny and cute bully violates family trust.

There is no good or bad behavior. Behavior is just communication.

I’m really irritated by social media posts and blogs offering parenting advice about throwing empty wrapped presents into the fire or phone calls from “Santa” admonishing kids.

Of course people can buy all the commercial Pinteresting trappings for an Elf or Doll or Toy just for fun and/or change the purpose to be kind and respectful with the mission of charitable calls to action. Bravo and carry on.

I just don’t have time or desire for any of that for 24 days.

Ideas to do instead:

Gifts don’t come with rules.

I remember some really weird and horrific gifts as a kid. I know it was hard for me to say thanks or hide my disappointment.

I remember my mother being horrified and embarrassed and scolding me later. Southern ladies paste on a smile no matter what.

I realize our society expects gratitude for gifts. I encourage my kids to say thanks even if the present is disappointing. We discuss the situation later.

With some very special items, I do offer recommendations to my kids if it might require extra or unique care.

Yes, it’s really hard sometimes to see something used differently than I would choose to use it.

My kids know that a gift is theirs to do whatever they please with it.

upcycle or repurpose
donate
throw away
share or not
display
get dirty

Gifts shouldn’t come with conditions.

We don’t believe in taking our children’s possessions away as a punishment. I don’t control my kids with their toys. If they have trouble cleaning up, I help them.

Santa can be scary.

My first child adored Santa and anything that dressed up in a costume. I didn’t question the tradition.

We stopped “doing Santa” when my second child was terrified of him.

I didn’t like her fear. I wasn’t going to subject my young child to sit on a stranger’s lap for a photo opportunity.

I argued with my husband about it. I didn’t want to lie to our children about a fantasy commercialized man who climbs down chimneys with toys. We didn’t even have a chimney for years and had a dumb “Santa Key” from Hallmark.

We celebrate Saint Nicholas. We read during Advent.

There is no magic lost. My kids have always loved to read stories about Santa and elves. They’re fairy tales like all the others we love to read.

No forced affection.

I remember being forced into hugs and kisses from aunts, uncles, and cousins. I didn’t like not having control over it. I remember feeling bad for being scolded for not wanting to do it or not appearing happy enough about it.

I try to prepare my kids if and when we visit relatives.

I warn my kids about expectations. I offer my kids alternatives like shaking hands or fist bumps.

I act as a buffer between my children and overbearing adults.

It’s not my or my child’s fault if some grown adult gets her feelings hurt.

Kids own their bodies and can decide for themselves how and when to show affection.

Slow down.

The holidays can be a very busy time.

They don’t have to be.

Consider the natural rhythms of children. Meals, naps, bedtimes schedules are very important for kids.

Most negative behaviors come from disrupting the schedule or not taking kids’ emotions and needs into consideration.

Kids know when they’re hungry and what they like to eat. Don’t force them to try something just to be polite.

Let them open gifts at their own pace or take breaks or even bring the item home to open later.

Let kids help decorate and help make holiday decisions.

Routines need to be a priority. If this means cutting activities, visits, parties short, then the children’s needs should come first.

We collect holiday books that we read daily in December. We watch holiday movies at least every Friday in December.

We can allow ourselves space to be the best parents we can be to our kids.

Linking up: Little Cottage, Flour Me with Love, Kippi at Home, Create with Joy, Confessions, April Harris, LouLou Girls, Our Home, Purposeful Faith, InstaEncouragements, Anchored Abode, Welcome Heart, Over the Moon, Suburbia, Our Three Peas, Grandmas Ideas, OMHGW, Sarah Frazer, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Ducks in a Row, Ridge Haven Homestead, Try it Like it,TFT, CKK, Debbie Kitterman, Apron Strings, Penny’s Passion, Mostly Blogging,The Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Simply Sweet Home, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Fireman’s Wife, Create with Joy, OMHGF, Being a Wordsmith, Life with Lorelai,

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Holiday Communication

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December 2, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

The kids are watching and learning how to behave based on what they observe the adults doing and saying.

During the holidays, sometimes we have to just put our differences aside and try to get along.

7 tips to self-regulate and communicate for a happier holiday season and beyond

1. Make a List and Check It Twice.

Make a list of the things your relatives, especially those on the other side of the aisle, have done for you and what they mean to you. During your holiday conversations, validate the feelings and emotions of both those you agree with and those you do not. You can say, Interesting, I hear you, that must feel hard for you. Assume and remember the best intentions of those around you. As you express your opinions, remember to focus on the kindness, compassion and respect your relatives have shown you for years, their acts of love and affection. John Gottman’s work shows that it takes 5 positive interactions to overcome one negative interaction and therefore it’s crucial to remember that what you say can damage your relationship.

2. Walk in Someone Else’s Shoes.

Step into your relatives’ shoes and try to understand their point of view. Consider What could be going on in the other person’s life? What is the other person’s situation? What do I know about their motivation, values and intentions? Don’t make assumptions about their motivations and perspective, instead listen and reflect, reserve judgement and try to hear their point of view. You might come to find insight you did not anticipate.

3. Watch Your Tone and Dismissive Comments.

Emotions often bubble up into our tone and our comments. Name-calling and zingers will not build a bridge to understanding. If your intention is to speak to your family with respect, take steps like breathing deeply and pausing before responding to ensure your tone remains neutral. Avoid using words like “always”, “never” and avoid bold statements to make a point. Make a plan in advance to respond to someone who does not follow this advice and may become aggressive to you, e.g. by saying “I really hope we can keep this conversation respectful,” or “I am hearing you becoming frustrated, let’s continue to try to understand each other.”

4. Listen.

Real active listening means you are interested and you are hearing the other person’s point of view without judgement. As you speak with your family, make eye contact and check your body language and facial expressions. Try to avoid interrupting or simply listening for your chance to jump in and speak your opinion. A good exercise in advance of the holiday is to consider what speaking compassionately looks like; it means showing interest in the other person’s feelings and opinions, being curious and listening to the person so you can relieve their suffering and be a shoulder to lean on. A way to neutralize the conversation is to use reflective listening which simply involves recapping what the person said and making empathetic comments like That must be hard, or I hear you or I am hearing that this was very painful for you.

5. Manage Emotions Rather Than Letting Them Manage You.

When you feel upset, you are flooded with emotions that often hijack your brain and affect your behavior. Be aware when you start to experience emotional flooding your body. Pay attention to your body signals, ask yourself what you typically feel in your body, stomach and face when your emotions are rising. What do you feel like when you are angry but in control, anxious, and what do you feel like when you are losing control? Do you get flushed, feel a stomach ache, maybe tingle in your arms and legs? By breathing in and out, pausing before speaking, chewing slowly and mindfully, placing your feet on the ground and noticing how your legs feels and grounding yourself, you can help to use mindfulness to manage your emotions.

6. Don’t Try to Change Anyone’s Mind.

Holidays are not for influencing or changing someone’s mind and the conversation is not meant to be a showstopper full of uncomfortable topics. Don’t try to educate or change someone’s mind. There is no need to cajole, shame, scold, coerce or try to change the mind of your family members. Instead, take the time together to ask questions to better understand their side of things; you can decide how you feel about it once the visit is over and you have some physical and emotional distance.

7. Return to common ground.

There are often areas where you agree or where you have a mutual fondness, even if you have to reach as far back as a shared favorite movie or family memory. Reconnect with that touchstone when you need to. That can only come with listening, really hearing the perspective of another person and trying to support another.

The seemingly inevitable family feuds endemic to “the most wonderful time of the year” can be avoided by self-regulating and communicating, says social skills coach Caroline Maguire, PCC, M.Ed., who has taught thousands of people of all ages to cultivate good relationships and communicate.

Maguire says empathy and kindness are becoming lost arts, so she teaches self-regulation: how to manage your body, mind and emotions in pursuit of a goal, which allows you to resist impulses, control your words and actions, calm yourself when you are upset, hold back a comment and resist using your fists instead of your words.

It is the ability to remember your intention to be kind and then manage what you say and do so you follow through on that intention. It is an essential skill in all aspects of life and people with the ability to self-regulate are happier and achieve more of their goals.

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Celebrate Your Child During the Holidays

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December 2, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Guest post by Annette Hines :

The holiday season is not an easy time when you’ve lost a child. It’s a time of year when you get together to celebrate family. And lots of things happen that accentuate that loss. You see people that you don’t normally see all year such as grandparents, aunts and uncles. You take time off work so you have more down time and time out of your daily routine to think about that loss. It’s also particularly time for celebration of children with gift giving and sweets!

In my world, it’s even more meaningful and charged with emotion because my daughter death anniversary is November 18th, so it leads off the holiday season with a bang! For me it has been six years now. Our new holiday traditions are evolving, and everybody’s new holiday journeys will be their own for sure. Also, I am not an expert and by no means am I trying to offer clinical advice. Although, in my law practice I have had the opportunity to speak with many families who have been through a loss like mine. It’s not an experience you want to share, but it is also comforting to not be alone, especially this time of year.

5 ways to remember and celebrate your child during the holidays:

1. Telling Stories of Remembrance

This is my favorite and best advice. I love love love telling stories of “remember when Elizabeth laughed so hard that the sweet potatoes came flying out of her mouth and then the dog ate them off the floor!?” Ha,Ha! Pulling out videos and photo albums can help with the memories. Some family members and friends may not have known your child that well, or at all, so this will help them enormously in both supporting you and sharing in your joys and sorrows. I love the idea that it keeps Elizabeth’s memory alive because I am always afraid of the idea that people are going to forget her and the world is going to move on without her.

2. A Celebration Meal That Includes Your Child’s Favorite Food Items

In our family, I still serve some of Elizabeth’s favorite things on certain holidays: Christmas breakfast has pancakes, and Easter will definitely have a ham. For many families, food is part of the tradition and food is love! It definitely is for us.

It also includes eating popcorn, pizza potato chips and onion dip while watching our favorite holiday movies: Christmas Vacation, and Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

3. Hanging Decorations That Your Child Made

Thank you so much to every teacher, aide and nurse who helped Elizabeth make every Christmas ornament, Mother’s Day Card and Thanksgiving Poem. I pull them out and go through them. Then I hang them throughout the house to have her close to me during the Holidays.

4. Doing For Others

During this time of sorrow – and it is always a time of sorrow for me – it really helps me to give to others. It’s a fact that getting up out of our own misery to help others can be just what we need to beat the holiday blues. Sign up to serve a holiday meal, deliver presents or warm clothes at your church or temple, or sing holiday songs at a local nursing home. Find some way to give back to your local community.

5. Self-Care is Very Important Too

Please be sure to take time for yourself as well. You may need time to be sad and grieve on your own. Be sure to seek counsel if that is in your self-care routine, get lots of sleep, exercise and eat well. The holidays can be stressful under the best of circumstances. Grief can be tricky and sneaks up on you!

Practice the art of saying no. Let someone else cook dinner for 20 people! It can be very stressful to do all that work, and as mentioned previously, seeing people that you haven’t seen all year who are naturally going to want to ask you about how you are doing. I used to get anxious for weeks before the holidays about what people were going to say or ask. And then I would be sleepless for days cooking and cleaning to get ready for the day.

It was a recipe for disaster! I was tired and sad and on edge. And of course, I would end up either being completely sad and withdrawn or blowing up at people. Not good!

This year, what is working for me is a change of scenery. My husband and I have decided to go the mountains with our puppy for a holiday getaway hiking extravaganza. I hope you find your way to both old and new traditions that work for you and your family.

Annette Hines, Esq., is the author of Butterflies and Second Chances: A Mom’s Memoir of Love and Loss. She is a powerhouse advocate for the special needs community. Not only has she founded the Special Needs Law Group of Massachusetts, PC, specializing in special needs estate planning, where special needs families compromise 80 percent of the firm’s clients, Hines brings personal experience with special needs to her practice, as the mother of two daughters, one of whom passed away from Mitochondrial disease in November 2013. This deep understanding of special needs fuels her passion for quality special needs planning and drives her dedication to the practice. For more information, please visit, https://specialneedscompanies.com/ and connect with her on Facebook, @SpecialNeedsLawGroup and listen to her podcast, Parenting Impossible – The Special Needs Survival Podcast.

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How to Help Kids Make Friends

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December 2, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

I struggled to make friends as a kid and I still struggle as an adult. I can honestly say that I don’t have any friends. I would wonder what was wrong with me and sometimes I still do, but I’m learning to accept that I’m just different, with contrary values to most of Western society.

It breaks my heart to see my kids struggle with something that I don’t really know how to fix.

As a homeschool mom, I often worry about gaps in my kids’ educations. What I worry about more is the isolation that often comes with being home alone all day every day. Sure, we go on field trips, do extracurriculars like art, music, and sports. But, it’s still often very hard to make friends, even within the homeschool community. It’s lonely.

Being a military family, we move around every few years, and I think our transience has gotten into our attitudes as well. We don’t see the point in trying too hard if we’re just going away again.

Kids don’t play outside anymore. My children don’t know where to look for playmates and friends. It seems so many are overscheduled with private lessons, extracurriculars, extra classes, and special events that they don’t have enough free time to play.

We’ve also noticed a shift in parenting the last decade or so. Parents are scared to let their kids play outside, even in their front yards. Kids are overprotected and coddled, not allowed any risk or decision making. Parenting is fear-based.

I’ve made many efforts to provide friend opportunities for my kids, but it’s really hard as they get older and into their teens.

Some kids’ brains are wired in a way that makes it harder for them to connect socially with others and make friends. They lack the executive function skills and it’s not something they figure out on their own, contrary to popular belief.

Kids often need direct experience in the step-by-step brain-based processes that develop social awareness, self-awareness, self-regulation and positive social behaviors.

Ask, don’t tell. Ask questions with genuine, respectful curiosity to find out what’s going on for your child.
Listen and learn. Welcome what your child has to say. Be calm, listen and make him comfortable.
Keep your cool. Your calm coaching response will allow you a little emotional distance, which goes a long way in finding a helpful middle ground to problem-solve with your child.
Hold the metacognitive mirror up. Help your child take a bird’s eye view of the situation and reflect on his role.
Honor your child’s aha. Whatever the realization, allow your child to have his own perspective and realizations in the process of growing awareness, reflection, goal-setting and problem-solving.
Prep first, then pave the way. Prepare the ground for sensitive conversations by sharing stories from work and elsewhere about how people do what they can for themselves, but sometimes they need to ask for help.
Meet them where they are. Better that you recognize your child’s capabilities at the present time and work with what’s real. That helps you both focus on goals and plans that are realistic.
Be a cheerleader. Celebrate positive steps, small wins, or your child’s aha and you will keep the momentum going.

In her groundbreaking book, Caroline Maguire shares her decade-in-the-making protocol–The Play Better Plan– to help parents coach children to connect with others and make friends.

Children of all ages–truly, from Kindergarten to college age– will gain the confidence to make friends and get along with others.

Coaching, using the following simple techniques and the Play Better lessons, tools and skill-building activities, creates those learning experiences for your child.

*Social Sleuthing: learn to pay attention to social cues

*Post-Play Date Huddles: help kids figure out what to look for in a friendship

*Reflective Listening: improve your child’s relationship with their peers

Caroline Maguire, PCC, M.Ed. (media features include US News & World Report, Salon, HuffPost, Parade, MindBodyGreen, Publishers Weekly and more) has successfully coached thousands of families suffering from chronic social dilemmas, ranging from shyness to aggression to ADHD and more, and spells out her program for effective parent coaching for social skills based on proven strategies and techniques that support positive behavioral change in Why Will No One Play with Me? The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends and Thrive (Hachette’s Grand Central Publishing; Sept. 24, 2019).

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Gift Guides

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November 28, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

I try to recommend items that we love and currently use or have used when my kids were little.

Gift Guides for Everyone

Book Lists

Books for Every Season

Holiday Books

Books by Topic

Amazing Amazon

What is the best present you ever received?

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Organizing Recipes

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November 4, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 25 Comments

We have a lot of cookbooks.

I have a bin full of handwritten recipes from my husband’s two grandmothers. I plan to scan those in to my computer so they’re never lost. I’m working to organize them in page protectors or even a printed scrapbook cookbook.

All recipes tell a story.

I have two BHG cookbooks. My mom’s with handwritten notes and a newer one. I prefer my mom’s where she jotted down when I made wheat bread for a colonial class project. She also added the years she made which Christmas cookies or cakes.

We also collect a lot of recipes – from magazines and online sites.

How to Organize Recipes

Recipe Binders

Super easy to make a recipe binder and fun for gifts for the cook or foodie.

I have started compiling recipe binders for my kids as keepsakes of our favorite family recipes for them.

What you need for a recipe binder:

Big 3 ring binder or several small binders for various cooking styles (desserts, main dishes, grilling, baking)
Pretty cover for binder
Dividers
Clear page protectors
Clear small pockets for small recipe cards and/or recipes clipped from magazines

Cooking Journals

I have a couple recipe journals to make notes when I try new recipes.

I seldom follow a recipe exactly, and it’s a huge joke with my kids that no recipe is perfect for me. I always want more of something, add a little of this or that, or don’t measure.

My grandmother never measured anything.

We measure garlic with our hearts.

My husband is often irritated that I don’t make the same dish twice because I often don’t measure or follow the recipe the same way or I don’t remember how I tweaked it last time and everyone loved it. I’m trying to remember to make notes in the journal!

Computer and/or Software

Eat Your Books
Trello
Dropbox
OneNote
Office documents
MasterCook
Cook’n

Apps

Many cooks prefer to declutter and have recipes digitized.

This makes recipes searchable by several criteria, saving time and space. You can easily pull up a recipe on a tablet or laptop on the counter or table while you cook.