Ruined

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November 28, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

It’s been about eight years.

And I know I should probably get over it.

But it’s symbolic of my entire relationship with my mother.

It doesn’t matter that I bought this shirt at a thrift store. It was my favorite shirt. I felt good when I wore it.

We visited my parents near Atlanta, in May 2014, before we PCSed from Utah to Germany. My parents are getting old and I didn’t know what could transpire during our three years on another continent. We hadn’t seen my family since 2011.

It was a stressful time for the kids and me, staying with my parents, whom my kids don’t even really know. This was just one incident in a series of problems.

During the ten days we stayed with my parents, I had to do laundry since we had been living out of suitcases for many weeks between our TLF stay in Utah, the road trip from Utah to Georgia, and anticipating a month in TLF once we arrived in Germany.

My mother has a weird obsession with bleach.

I bought and used organic laundry detergent that our family is used to using and I washed and dried our clothes. I hung up my pink ruffled shirt on the drying rack in the little laundry room off the kitchen.

My mother washed her towels and laundry, I guess, like she normally does, and somehow, oh my ever-loving god, the bleach splashed across three feet from the washing machine onto one of the ruffles on my pink shirt that was hanging to dry. I wish I had a picture of the bleached shirt. It was a huge bleached patch. Like, how does that even happen? Most bottles of bleach say they’re non-splash or something. It’s concentrated and easy to pour. Was she slinging the bleach around like the gas station scene from Zoolander?

And then, she wasn’t even really sorry. My shirt was ruined! I couldn’t color-match the bleach stain. I didn’t want to bleach wash the shirt to be something creative and different. I couldn’t find a replacement.

She just shrugged it off, like it was my fault. Like everything in my entire life is my fault. I shouldn’t have hung my shirt there. I should’ve been more careful. Maybe I shouldn’t have done my laundry at all.

Which is her attitude about everything in our entire lives! She refuses to apologize or admit she ever did anything inappropriate or wrong.

She recently told me I was not to blame them anymore and to keep the emails and conversation light or not at all.

There will be people that would rather lose you, than be honest about what they’ve done to you. Let them go.
Nate Postlethwait

I found this shirt on Poshmark, which I don’t think existed back then, and we were moving to Germany anyway, so… I know eBay has been around a long time, but I couldn’t find this shirt anywhere, anytime I looked. I couldn’t even really find the proper key words to search…until last month.

It was just a little something that grated in the back of my mind and broke my heart over and over. I know it’s just a shirt, but it hurt that my mother just didn’t care about ruining it. Just like she doesn’t care about me or my kids.

I now have my replacement shirt. I feel a little bit triumphant. I know my mother doesn’t even remember this episode, like she doesn’t remember anything very important that ever happened to me, good or bad.

I wish it were as easy to repair our relationship as it was to get a new shirt.

If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.
Ram Dass

Resources:

Gabor Maté
John Gottman
Harriet Lerner
Susan Cain
Elaine N. Aron
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
Jesus, the Gentle Parent by LR Knost
Motherwhelmed by Beth Berry
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, Silverado, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, Pinch of Joy, Create with Joy, Suburbia, LouLou Girls, InstaEncouragements, Jeanne Takenaka, Jenerally Informed, God’s Growing Garden, OMHG, Blue Cotton Memory, Life Abundant, Fluster Buster, Joanne Viola, Soaring with Him, Homestead, Penny’s Passion, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Imparting Grace, Coffee and Jesus, Slices of Life, Mostly Blogging,

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Outgrown

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November 21, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 4 Comments

My eldest had a favorite pair of boots when she was about ten to eleven years old.

She wore those boots way longer than she should have and scrunched up her toes when they became too small.

The first photo evidence I have of the boots is November 2010, and the last evidence I can find is January 2012. Her feet definitely grew a lot during that time, and more than outgrew those boots. She had other shoes, but refused to give up those boots.

I always assumed I would be informed when clothes, shoes, styles were outgrown.

I have four kids and they’re usually really vocal about anything that isn’t just right for them. We’ve had tantrums over socks and tags and soap and hair.

I trusted my kids to tell me they needed new shoes. I asked if the boots were ok, but I should have checked and verified. It was a difficult time for our family, with moving across the country and deployment.

I could make a thousand excuses, but I failed to understand there was a problem in time.

Having too small shoes for about two years gave her hammer toes and affected the tendons and ligaments in her legs. She complained about the leg pain, but never about her toes or feet, or having too-small shoes. I purchased the kids all new shoes, but failed to fully inspect those boots, though I do remember checking at least once and I think she purposely scrunched her toes…and I just believed her.

When we went to the doctor, they were too quick to refer to a specialist – who recommended surgery! Then, we got another referral for physical therapy. We got new shoes, threw out the boots. The PT helped a lot. I also massaged her feet, legs, and back with essential oils. She was at the cusp of puberty and it was almost too late for healing, but we were all very diligent to help her heal and remind her to do her stretches.

She had to stop running track since the pain was too much. She never did pick it back up. Luckily, she was able to participate in Civil Air Patrol and did well in all the physical activities for the few years she was in it.

It’s so hard to watch a child suffer. It’s even worse when I know I should’ve been on top of it and prevented it.

There were too many years when I was in survival mode.

There were too many times I was neglectful and relied too much on my eldest to be older and more mature than she was.

Since I had no village, no family, no friends, no help…I relied on my kids to help…for us all to work together, especially when their dad was deployed. While this sounds great on the surface, it was not feasible long-term and it was really, really hard for all of us. I certainly learned self-reliance because no one else was reliable.

I had her babysit and told myself that she enjoyed the responsibility. She still brags that she potty-trained her siblings. I know she’s proud of that, but I am ashamed that it’s mostly true. She did too much, too soon, and lost much of her childhood too early. She didn’t deserve parentification.

I tried so hard to maintain balance and push her to play and experience fun things, but many of those things she had to do alone while I kept her siblings from interfering or disrupting. I know she is still resentful that I wasn’t always able to be there and give her my undivided attention all the time.

I projected my overly mature childhood onto my daughter and I enmeshed my emotions with hers. I expected her to be like me. And I wasn’t even fully aware that I wasn’t healthy then. So much damage was done.

And the church encouraged all this and told me that I was doing a great job in spite of everything I felt deep down inside that I was doing everything so wrong and I felt so lost and alone. I had no one, no help.

The church and military communities failed us.

I was supposed to be training up a mother’s little helper and raising my daughters to be good wives and mothers. Thankfully, we all balked at those proscribed gender roles and we are better now in our spiritual pursuits. But there is so much healing still taking place.

The boots are just a metaphor for all the times I missed the mark for about ten or more years with my daughter.

It’s not like we couldn’t afford new boots.

A tween girl often isn’t in a place to express herself safely or even know what’s wrong when that’s all she knows. There were some very bad times for several years and I was not always at my best in dealing with issues I had no reference or guidance for, and my kids are “good kids.” I was a “good kid.”

But I want more than just appearances.

This episode further pushed me in a different direction as a parent. I knew something had to change. I’m sad that this catalyst was necessary, but the outcome has been good. The trajectory has continued in a healthier, gentler direction for years.

My eldest child has taught me so much as a person, as a mom, as a daughter.

She taught me what it’s like to speak up for injustice. She’s always been vocal. As a baby, it was colic. As a wee girl, she was bossy and argumentative. As a teen, she was defiant. As a young woman, she is a leader.

She taught me compassion. She always looks to help ease others’ pain. I am proud of her for taking soup to a sick classmate and offering rides to friends. She has helped others to her own detriment at times. Yes, she’s been taken advantage of, and that’s the risk. She continues to have a huge heart.

She taught me a lot about mistakes and regrets and how to make amends, how to truly apologize and forgive. We will never get closure from her abusive father and his family. His parents have passed, so there is no one to ask about events anymore. My parents have no relationship with us and I have confronted them multiple times to no avail. We are really all alone, but she just shrugs away that pain and finds comfort in her friends who are her chosen family.

It seems like I have spent almost my entire life fighting. Fighting to be seen and heard, fighting for my daughter, fighting with my daughter, fighting society to be better for her and my other kids.

She sets boundaries and doesn’t stay in relationships that become toxic. I am proud of her for recognizing when friends and lovers are mean, unhealthy, or not right for her.

She knows when to quit. I always pushed through and maybe that wasn’t the best thing for me, but I saw few alternatives. I had different choices then, and certainly couldn’t envision the future that I am living now. She resents that I pushed her into early college and a part-time job, and I do regret that, but I still don’t know what else I could have done. I’m sad that her young adulthood is so hard and she doesn’t get to enjoy much, is struggling financially, trying to find her place. Outside circumstances with COVID and the university going on strike affected events beyond our control.

We are healing together.

While I wish she had never had to suffer the trauma of being the “guinea pig first child” and had to help to raise me as a parent, I am so pleased we are still close now that she’s an independent adult.

Here’s to more growing closer together.

Resources:

Gabor Maté
John Gottman
Harriet Lerner
Susan Cain
Elaine N. Aron
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
Jesus, the Gentle Parent by LR Knost
Motherwhelmed by Beth Berry
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

Linking up: Grammy’s Grid, Silverado, Pinch of Joy, Eclectic Red Barn, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, April Harris, Mostly Blogging, Pam’s Party, God’s Growing Garden, LouLou Girls, Suburbia, OMHG, Jenerally Informed, Create with Joy, Soaring with Him, Life Abundant, Penny’s Passion, Slices of Life, Fluster Buster, Homestead, Pam’s Party, Answer is Choco, Pieced Pastimes, Blue Cotton Memory, InstaEncouragements,

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No Compromise

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August 15, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

I have tried and tried and tried to make sure my kids know how to navigate healthy relationships in spite of their not having a good role model in me.

I don’t have any friends.

My kids don’t have many friends, and even fewer IRL.

I’m so proud of how kind and helpful and compassionate my children are.

I dream and hope and pray that my children find others who are also kind and compassionate and emotionally healthy. I don’t want them to live their lives alone.

Over the years, I have confronted parents whose children bullied mine. There were a few very scary and dangerous situations that went largely unresolved because of our society’s mantras and the parents’ and groups’ mentality of “boys will be boys” or “they’re just kids.”

For a long time I did try to give those kids the benefit of the doubt and also coach my kids how to handle situations on their own. I don’t like stepping in unless I really have to, and it never helps; it only makes things worse and burns bridges.

It’s also not my job to correct a child who is sexist, racist, ableist, hateful, or just mean. I realize they’re just spouting what they hear from parents and teachers and church leaders. Perhaps a child will grow and learn to question his family’s values and evolve into a better person, perhaps not.

I focus on protecting my child rather than educating yours.

So, we’ve had longs seasons of few or no friends and we look forward to starting over when we move, but we’re settled now and ready to put down roots.

We were excited to meet new people and make new friends when we moved to Ohio about five years ago.

The first neighborhood boy who met us when we had a lemonade stand a few weeks after we settled in seemed great at first.

No one else on our street would play with him and they ignored our kids when he was with them. I assumed the issue was the other kids. A few boys were very mean to mine and we learned to avoid them and whew, that memory is alive and well no matter how those boys have grown up and maybe regret or matured and try to make amends.

The boy seemed always polite to me, mature, made eye contact, and told jokes. My kids like him and we all seemed to get along fine.

He was never allowed in our house or backyard. I respected his parents’ rules, but I thought it was a little weird. They didn’t want to have a relationship with me and we only waved or said hi in passing. My kids said they seemed very strict and they didn’t go inside his house either, but would be invited to his backyard inground pool in summer.

I found out the boy was expelled from our district school for fighting. He attends a private conservative Christian school. He mentioned he was bullied and it led to the fight. I don’t really know details. Perhaps it’s as he says. His family attends a conservative Christian church.

He and my kids all wore themed costumes for Halloween for four years. Last year, my kids said he wasn’t trick or treating with them and they hedged when I asked why. They said he had bad grades and was going with his sister so we waved when we saw him across the street.

He stopped coming by and my kids didn’t go to his house and stopped talking about him. I thought I’ll never have the entire story and it was very sad.

COVID happened and it was hard for everyone. My son especially suffered when all the neighborhood boys still played together and even came to our door constantly to ask for my son, but we isolated and stayed inside. It was a scary time and I had to complain to some parents that we didn’t want their kids to keep coming to our door. It wasn’t my job to tell those kids why.

After lockdown, my kids admitted that the boy said some very hateful things and they made a decision to stop socializing with him.

He told my kids they were going to hell for being gay and trans – only cishet Christian people won’t go to hell. He said all Muslims should be exported or killed and that they were going to hell for terrorism; they’re all terrorists. I was horrified by this! It sounded like some old white man watching Fox News, not some 14 year old Puerto Rican boy. My kids didn’t want me to know until a lot of time had passed because they didn’t want me to confront him or his parents. I’m not even sure how I would confront people who believe these things and it surely wouldn’t matter whatever I could say.

I’m so proud that my kids chose not to continue that relationship. They don’t want to compromise their values or put themselves in awkward positions just to play cards or swim in his pool. I can’t say that I would have been that mature or self-preserving at their age.

My kids chose to protect each other.

At least there is some closure.

He has the audacity to wave at us when he’s riding his bike and we’re on our evening walks. I wonder what the story is that he tells himself. What do his parents know or choose not to realize? Do they even wonder why they’re no longer friends?

My children are 12, 15, 16, and 21. I’m so happy to see my kids making friends through homeschool activities, from their extracurricular events, camp, volunteering, and work. They’ve met some lovely people IRL that they were introduced to online.

I was so worried my children wouldn’t know how to navigate friendships because I don’t model that, but they’re capable of handling themselves so well in social environments!

It’s always been hard for me to make friends and maintain those friendships. I’m in awe that I haven’t ruined my children with my inability to be social. They’re blossoming and growing and being healthy in spite of me!

You might also like:

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, OMHG, Suburbia, Shelbee on Edge, Jenerally Informed, LouLou Girls, InstaEncouragements, April Harris, Create with Joy, Pinch of Joy, God’s Growing Garden, Silverado, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, Soaring with Him, Joanne Viola, Simply Coffee, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Ridge Haven, Penny’s Passion, Try it Like it, Katherine’s Corner, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, Anchored Abode, Momfessionals, Answer is Choco, Lisa Notes, Being a Wordsmith, Modern Monticello, Pam’s Party, Pieced Pastimes, Mostly Blogging,

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Healing Mother

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July 18, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

Parenting is not transactional.

Our kids don’t owe anything us as parents.

When we expect something in return, it’s business.

My dad used to say that he couldn’t bust me in the mouth because he spent so much on braces to fix my teeth. It wasn’t funny. I felt guilty that I had cost him so much money but confused that he wanted to hit me and was making jokes about it. I realize as an adult that my parents only paid to fix my teeth so they wouldn’t be embarrassed by my appearance. It was never about me.

My parents said all those horrible phrases to me about bringing me into this world and providing me with a roof over my head, utilities, food.

“Look at all we’ve done for you!” was said often when they felt I was being ungrateful about anything.

Nothing my parents ever did for me was for my own benefit. It always came with strings attached. I was supposed to “pay for it” somehow.

I was never allowed to make decisions. It was a difficult path to independent adulthood.

I was terrified of my parents. I was never enough. Nothing I ever said or did was enough. And I was a good kid. I did almost all the “right things.” They come back and tell me how ungrateful I am – still. I’m 46 years old and I’m still never good enough.

There are better ways for parents to receive gratitude from their kids than demanding it or trying to buy it or whining and complaining about it.

I am healing myself so I can be a better mother to my children.

I constantly look for ways to delight my children. I research all the time. I want my children to be the best they can be, healthy and happy and strong. I want them to have all the best foods, books, tools, everything – to become who they will be.

It’s not about who I might want them to be. I cannot live vicariously through my kids, no matter what losses I feel in my soul. My own lost little girl cries to sleep at night but I put on a brave face during the day to be a good mom to my kids.

Motherhood is indeed a thankless and often invisible job. It’s behind the scenes. Mothering work is only noticed when it is left undone or isn’t done well (by whose standards?). Moms don’t get to rest. There are no sick days or down days. There’s no such thing as self care for moms and those who do take time to care for themselves have a luxury to pay for others to do the domestic duties or let them slide. And there’s always, always, always blame and shame.

One day a year to celebrate mothers lets our society off the hook for all the lack of community and services and actual help. For the gift of a 6-week unpaid maternity leave that we’re supposed to be oh, so thankful for! Flowers, candy, brunch is supposed to be enough to show gratitude for the invisible labor of motherhood. I never get a day off, not even Mother’s Day or my birthday or any other day.

I enjoy spending time with my kids. I am learning to ask for and express what I want and need. It’s easier now that my kids are all over twelve years old. They’re not babies physically attached or toddlers with separation anxiety or young kids needing constant verbal and visual affirmation. They’re independent thinking, feeling, opinionated, compassionate, empathetic persons!

They’re understanding that I am a mother but also a person with needs, dreams, desires. I get tired and sick sometimes. I need alone time occasionally. I ask for help when I want or need it – trying to do so clearly without whining or exasperation. I can’t expect them to read my mind. I have to teach them to notice what needs to be done and show them how to do it.

It’s taken over twenty years for me to find a voice that was somehow stifled or lost by shame and guilt and humiliation and ridicule. I was a person before I was a mother.

I invite my kids to do projects with me, but I don’t make them feel guilty if they don’t want to or can’t right now or if they say later, in a minute. I ask for my kids’ input and I listen and I make adjustments and I take their considerations to heart without getting my feelings hurt or projecting my issues onto them. (Sometimes, my feelings are hurt, but I keep that to myself.)

It’s not your child’s job to appreciate having a better childhood than you did.
Bonnie Harris

I don’t have to do it all just because our society says that’s what mothers should be and do.

For years, I felt shame and guilt and regret about my very existence. I didn’t think I was lovable. I felt I wasn’t worth anything unless I performed well – and I never felt that I performed well. I had so internalized the way my parents treated me that I projected that onto everyone else. I didn’t receive the love from my husband and kids.

I take a bath every single night with chamomile tea and a book. This is my me time – for thirty minutes alone. It’s important and everyone in my household knows it’s my time. I do try to make sure everything is in order so I can have that thirty uninterrupted minutes.

It took me years to start healing myself and realizing that my kids are healthier and lovelier than I am. They show empathy and seek relationship with me even when I don’t feel well. They are healing me. They are helping me find myself.

This is it, I thought. This is my life. And sometimes, living sacred just means being present—moment to moment, day by day.
Rivvy Neshama

I could complain and cry about how my parents don’t love me in ways I understand. I really don’t want to focus on the negative. I have made bids for 46 years that are often ignored, thwarted, ridiculed. I am tired. I have set boundaries. I have received silent treatment. My parents are emotionally immature. They are 80 and I’m an only child. I focus on my four kids now. So much of what I do is an opposite of what I learned and how I was treated. I am sad my kids don’t have grandparents.

Ways my kids show me they love me every single day:

Sending me memes, TikTok videos, and Instagram posts about foraging, plants, birds, cats, jokes, music
Making me tea, just whenever
Snuggling during read alouds
Watching history documentaries, movies, and TV shows with me
Riding along to the grocery store and helping (so fun with teens!)
Planning and making meals or baking with me
Planning, gardening, and doing yard work with me
Sitting and talking at the table after dinner
Helping clean up the kitchen
Hiking and walking with me outside in nature
A MYRIAD of other ways…my kids are loved and loving

My kids have been, are, and will be good people. They are thoughtful. They are learning how to be emotionally intelligent, loving, and kind. I am constantly amazed by their thoughts, words, decisions. I remember how I was at their age and I am so proud of who they are.

You might also like:

Resources:

Motherwhelmed by Beth Berry
Jesus, the Gentle Parent by LR Knost
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life by Harriet Lerner

Linking up: Pinch of Joy, Silverado, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, April Harris, Create with Joy, Jenerally Informed, LouLou Girls, God’s Growing Garden, OMHG, Shelbee on the Edge, Soaring with Him, InstaEncouragements, Anchored Abode, Homestead, Life Abundant, Try it Like it, Katherine’s Corner, Imparted Grace, Slices of Life, Fluster Buster, Suburbia, Penny’s Passion, Modern Monticello, Answer is Chocolate, Bijou Life, Momfessionals, Eclectic Red Barn,

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Summer Slide

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June 27, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 8 Comments

Please stop with the summer slide bullshit.

Please stop crowd sourcing ideas to force your kids to do chores and academic work over the summer.

Stop with the chore charts. Enough with coercion. Stop with the control. Stop the abuse.

Every summer, and often throughout the year, I see parents, usually moms, ask how to get their kids to do anything other than use a screen.

Are we so miserable that we want our kids to be miserable too?

I played all summer long until I began college. What has changed that we want our kids to suffer or earn the right to play?

I don’t earn my screentime. Why should my kids earn theirs?

I’m gonna go out on a limb and surely be unpopular, but I don’t require my kids to do anything to earn screentime. I don’t earn screentime. I don’t require them to complete anything academic in the summer. I don’t require summer reading.

The interesting thing is they are very willing to help with household tasks when they have freedom and respect. I help them put their clothes away and clean and organize their rooms and spaces. They need scaffolding and modeling and can’t be expected to know how to be a functioning adult without guidance.

They choose to do puzzles, outside play, reading, board games…when they’re not desperately thinking of their next earned screen minute. Screens suddenly become just another activity to do along with so many other options. There is no scarcity mentality with the freedom to choose.

I think the screen is just becoming a symbol for our own triggers and lack of control and communication skills

The only rule is all devices are plugged in away from beds at bedtime.

My kids are 12, 15, 16, 21.

They do actually notice when things need done and do chores cheerfully because they’re members of a household where they have a voice.

My kids can’t talk back to me.

We discuss options and I state my case about my concerns for my kids’ safety and health. They have no reason to be deceitful. They know that I love and respect them and truly have their best interests in my mind and heart.

I realize it’s the societal norm for kids to be monitored and controlled and dictated, but it creates disharmony and it’s so much more work keeping track. We’re not about competition or charts or checklists. We’re about cooperation.

We homeschool, but they have freedom there too. We go with the flow rather than strict schedule.

Schools are coercive, humiliating, controlling, and abusive. Students are forced to learn information to regurgitate the info on a test and then they promptly purge that from their memories. Students don’t learn valuable skills in school; they learn how to jump through hoops. Schools are not preparing kids to be questioners, thinkers, or leaders. The authorities don’t want people to have a voice, autonomy, or freedom.

It’s ironic that so many school assignments requires screens and going online.

Children only have 18-21 summers before they have to be working adults. I want them to make memories and have fun, to be wild and free. I don’t want them to dread summertime as just another chore-filled season.

Many schools go year-round and lots of parents overschedule their kids, including during summer. Just because it’s expected and considered the norm doesn’t mean we have to participate in making our kids work year-round.

Also, enough with all the tutoring and test prep.

Kids are tired. Let them play.

What does summer look like for your kids?

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Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, Mostly Blogging, Create with Joy, Anita Ojeda, Pinch of Joy, Silverado, Random Musings, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, Shelbee on the Edge, Ridge Haven, God’s Growing Garden, Ducks in a Row, OMHG, Soaring with Him, Joanne Viola, RidgeHaven, Fluster Buster, Penny’s Passion, Bijou Life, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Bijou Online, Momfessionals, Modern Monticello, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, CWJ, Answer is Chocolate, April Harris, Suburbia,

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Easy Summer Meals

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June 13, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

It’s summer and the kids are home more – whether they’re home from public or private school, co-op, or college. Mine still take some classes and participate in various day camps – and for the first time, my middles have overnight camps!

One of my biggest concerns for summer is food.

For whatever reason, the kids seem to eat more – quantity and frequency. They’re probably growing and more active and the sunshine and warmer temps make them hungrier.

Our local libraries provides lunches for kids under 18 and I think that’s great! When my kids go to events and classes at our libraries, they are pressed upon to take the food and some of it they like.

I’m struggling to keep us in Gatorade and Body Armor in the flavors we prefer!

Since our summer schedule is a little more hectic and sporadic, I have to think about meals differently.

My 16 year old has a part time at a local grocery store and often has to take a quick lunch to eat during breaks.

My 12 year old son has elite baseball games and tournaments and we often travel and need to bring snacks and meals with us – because sometimes they’re in a cornfield in the middle of nowhere.

My kids are pretty independent and know their way around the kitchen. They can make their own healthy meals and often do so. I also want to provide easy options for when we’re in a rush or have different schedules. I’m super impressed when they make quesadillas, little pizzas, fried rice, or homemade ramen!

We love bento and other fun containers to keep foods fresh and cold for lunches and snacks on the go.

Breakfast items I’m buying:

Cereal Cups
Oatmeal cups
Grits pouches
Organic poptarts
Dinosaur eggs oatmeal
Bolthouse protein shakes
Breakfast lunchables
Croissants
so many eggs (my husband has a coworker with chickens!)
Frozen sausage links (we love the Jones brand and I stock up at the commissary.)
Frozen pancakes, waffles, French toast sticks
Nature Valley almond butter biscuits

Lunch and snack items I buy:

Tuna pouches
Annie’s mac and cheese cups
Ramen (my kids prefer organic pouches for quick and easy but often make their own homemade ramen with leftovers!)
Indian meal pouches with lentils or chickpeas
Rice and beans pouches
Canned soups and chili (Annie’s is a favorite)
Spam (we lived in Hawaii for three years)
Hillshire Farm honey ham and salami
Lunchables – Oscar Mayer uncured ham, Hillshire Farm, and Kroger Simple Truth are literally the only ones my kids will eat!
Hormel wraps
Peanut butter crackers
Protein granola bars and protein brownies – Clif, Kodiak, Luna, Kroger and Meijer brand
bananas, apples, grapes, oranges

What we make for dinner:

I try not to stress over having dinner later in the summer. I prefer we eat together as much as possible. I am often thwarted by baseball games and the kids’ other activities.

I’m making many slow cooker meals for when my son has baseball games or my daughter works late or has aerial gymnastics class. We can eat whenever we each get a chance, and often still mostly together.

We also do a lot of grilling (some favorites are burgers, tritip, and salmon) and we love big salads.

How do your meals look in summer?

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Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, April Harris, Pinch of Joy, House on Silverado, Sunshine, Mostly Blogging, Uncommon Suburbia, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, OMHG, God’s Growing Garden, Ducks in a Row, Ridge Haven Homestead, Fluster Buster, Shelbee on the Edge, Slices of Life, Miz Helen, Randomosity, Try it Like it, Bijou Life, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Pam’s Party, Answer is Chocolate, Bijou, Momfessionals, Modern Monticello, CWJ, Create with Joy,

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Poor or Broke

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Please see my suggested resources.

June 6, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

We’re living in economic conditions worse than those during the Great Depression. The wealth gap is greater now than it was then. But it seems that many live in denial with rising gas and food prices. It surely soon will become untenable.

The middle class is shrinking. The wealth gap is widening.

People say “live within your means” like it’s not becoming almost impossible with rising costs for housing, food, and gas.

There’s a difference between being poor and being broke.

Many people are struggling and broken.

The availability of credit and the expectation of debt makes many people believe they’re just supposed to be broke all the time, and it’s accepted by almost everyone.

Financial hardship can come on suddenly – medical bills, student loans, divorce, children’s expenses, job loss, housing repairs, car trouble, vet bills.

My Story

My grandparents grew up during the Great Depression and those ideals and traditions trickled down to my parents and to me. I understand and respect those values even if I don’t always share them now that I am an adult and parent.

I never thought I grew up poor.

My needs were met. I didn’t grow up around a lot of wealth disparity. There was no Internet or comparison readily available so how could I even know other than watching Silver Spoons and Richie Rick. I lived and played and went to school and suffered the lot of a child in the 70s, 80s, 90s – mostly unseen, unheard, free range. As were all of my peers.

My father worked a steady full time job during the week and was in the Army Reserves. My mother left her job and stayed at home when I was born. Most mothers I knew stayed home. I’m an only child. They paid their mortgage and bills on time. I don’t know much about their debt levels, but I don’t think they took on too much and their credit was always good.

But there wasn’t ever anything extra.

My mother certainly didn’t seem to enjoy being a stay at home mom. She didn’t like cooking or cleaning or looking after me. She did enjoy socializing with friends, neighbors, family. Times were different then. Expectations were different. Most of my memories of my mom were of her smoking while on the kitchen wall phone. I was left to fend for myself, entertain myself, while staying quiet and out of her way.

There’s a big difference between being broke and being poor. I was poor for about 2 years. I was broke for the following decade.
Erynn Brook

My mother returned to work when I was in the third grade. She impressed me with her decision by saying we could eat often at Pizza Hut. I was 10, so…

We did take Florida vacations for a week in the summer after my mom started working. That was nicer than camping weekends.

There was still nothing extra for ballet or piano lessons or any extracurricular activities I asked for. I’m still devastated about the ballet and piano lessons I longed for. I have tried to offer lessons and classes to my kids and provide for all their passions, however fleeting.

But I don’t remember eating often at Pizza Hut until 8th grade when I managed to catch a ride with another cheerleader’s family after football games. My parents both worked and I don’t remember them ever come to see me cheer at afterschool games.

There still wasn’t ever much extra.

The end of 6th grade, my mom cut and permed my hair at home after I begged to get bangs and a style like the magazines, like my peers. I couldn’t get a salon spiral perm or feathered bangs like my schoolmates. My mother controlled my appearance.

I was 14 the first time I was able to get a shirt from The Gap. It was on clearance and I loved it so much. Dark blue sweatshirt with a mock neck striped green and white. I cherished that shirt.

We moved the spring I turned 16 and I had to switch schools that next year. Looking back, I realize my parents scrimped and saved and always said they had no money maybe because they wanted a better house in a better neighborhood. I didn’t appreciate moving or changing schools or their timing.

My dad bought me my first car: a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle for $600. The summer after I turned 16, I got a job at McDonald’s to fix it up.

I was so proud of that car but it was frozen one night when I got off work late and my mom was furious that I had to call her to come pick me up. I’m still pissed that my parents sold it and got me another (newer safer more reliable) car that I didn’t even want.

I didn’t have a lot of choices growing up. My clothes and food were chosen for me. Everything was chosen for me. I didn’t get to make any decisions. That’s not a great way to become a young adult or learn how to be responsible.

They told me there wasn’t any money for me to live away at college in a dorm. I didn’t ask questions because they just got mad at me. I commuted to a local community college, then a state university. I earned academic scholarships. I am the first girl in my family to get a college degree. I got a loan for my master’s degree. Thankfully, it is paid off. I am horrified how the college loan situation has escalated in recent years for so many people.

My maternal uncle passed when I was about 19 and there was some money left to my mom, but they didn’t use any of it to help me with my education. My paternal grandma died when I was 18 and the sale of her house went into their savings, eventually becoming the down payment for the even bigger newer house they bought when I was 28.

I don’t have a home to return to anymore.

So I never thought I grew up poor, but money was always such a stressful topic. My parents constantly complained they didn’t have any. I learned not to ask for things I wanted. They still complain!

They still complain about money now that they are retired. Their retirement income exceeds my husband’s salary by more than half. They are paralyzed by a scarcity mentality.

I still don’t ask for anything. Not for me, not for my kids.

When I met my first husband, I thought he was so sophisticated. He lived in a retro apartment in downtown Atlanta. I was dazzled by the thought of independence. I ignored all the red flags. When I left home and moved in with him and got married (because evangelicism), I realized the fantasy he was living. He had grown up quite poor but his family lived in denial, maxing out credit cards. His father didn’t work at all, but claimed he was “retired.” I wasn’t allowed to ask questions. I grew up quickly from my disillusionment.

My parents disowned me over that marriage and I found myself without a car and without health insurance, so I learned to take buses to and from my college classes. I got a job as a secretary and my husband and I juggled sharing his old pickup truck. I had never had to pay bills before and it became overwhelming. We fought over expenses, of course. He seemed like he didn’t understand how bank cards worked, that the money in the joint account was deducted immediately and wasn’t there for other expenses we had. I needed his receipts (this was way before internet banking or apps) to reconcile the checking account and he needed to adjust his lifestyle to be more frugal. It was a constant battle. Then I learned my new husband was dealing drugs. I was so naïve.

When I began student teaching, I couldn’t work anymore and we moved into a new apartment closer to my school. Then after a big fight and short separation, we moved into a rental house nearer to his family. I still couldn’t all our pay bills on time, having to pick and choose which one to pay a little late or even the next month. He worked a shift job at $11/hour. There just was never enough money. There was a time I filled out paperwork for Medicaid, but I was too ashamed to fulfill the application process.

After I graduated, I began teaching full-time. I got a summer job to pay for my maternity leave. We had a baby. We both got new vehicles. Then we bought a house near his family, even though my commute was about an hour. I thought all these things were typical, normal, expected, progress. Then he hit me the second time and I left with the baby. My parents paid for the divorce and cosigned for me to get an apartment near them. More strings.

Living on my own as a single mom was hard, but I eventually became more stable emotionally. My credit was destroyed during the divorce. The house foreclosed. Even though the divorce decree stated we had to both pay the credit card, house, and the new truck he kept, he never paid for anything. And even though the divorce decree stated he owed us $92/week in child support, he quit his job, worked randomly for cash, filed bankruptcy, and moved out of state to avoid paying anything or having wages garnished. His parents also filed for bankruptcy. I had to negotiate with the bank over the truck loan and it finally just was absorbed by the lender. My credit was ruined. Credit scores are a joke. I traded my car in for another that my dad had to cosign for to get my husband’s name unattached to mine. I knew my money priorities were rent, utilities, and my new car payment. It was so hard.

I lost five jobs in two years. It was hard finding where I fit in. I worked as an adjunct English professor and part time at a day spa. I didn’t have health insurance and I had to pay cash for a doctor’s visit and for antibiotics when I came down with strep. I tried going to church and praying for direction. Most church members prayed for me to be reconciled to my husband, but they didn’t understand my circumstances. Or they didn’t care. It was a very confusing time for me.

I didn’t think I was ever poor because I had a roof over my head and food. I paid my bills on time, mostly. Even though I struggled, it just didn’t cross my mind since I could see a little progress. But I was always just a tiny step away from homelessness and financial ruin. The circumstances that surrounded me and could’ve happened are terrifying.

Paying for childcare was a nightmare. I wanted my daughter to have the stability and consistency and I believed then that daycare and preschool was best for her. It ate away most of my income. I dreamed of a time when she could go to public school and the financial burden might be eased. With her October birthday, it seemed such a long way off. There was a lottery in our county for public 4K, but that was still a couple years in the future. We had to eat dinner with my parents every night in order for me to be able to pay my other bills. At least I didn’t have to worry about food.

It’s been a long road and I’ve learned a lot along the way – about myself and how I want to teach my kids about finances and social responsibility.

It’s taken us over seventeen years, but we’ve finally purchased a home and feel pretty comfortable financially, just in time for my husband’s retirement from the Air Force. We have investments and savings and plans for the future. I can’t say the same about many of our peers. I know the statistics for retirement funds and the prediction that many won’t ever see any social security payments.

I still struggle and it’s sometimes in weird little ways. Some things still seem like an extravagance to me. I open a bag of sugar over the canister to catch every little grain. I can’t imagine not using every little scrap of paper on the roll. I don’t like wasting food.

Many of the jobs we had as teens aren’t available anymore because adults are hustling with side jobs for yard maintenance, delivery services, errand helpers, babysitters, pet sitters, anything to make a dollar. No one I know is willing to pay a teen if they can get an adult to do the same job, as if adults are more qualified or mature. Kids are losing skills, milestones, and transitions into adulthood.

We joke about people who are obviously wasteful or careless and say they’re certainly in a different tax bracket. Many of our neighbors have weekly cleaners and yard maintenance crews, but I could never bring myself to pay for those services. It’s astonishing to me that people will pay money for services to clean their garbage cans or pick up dog waste in their yards. With wealth, comes a lack of time, and an attitude of entitlement.

The Church

I have have been conflicted for years with what The Church and Christians say and think and pray about people living in poverty. They view charity as good deeds, like some point system they earn with God. During a Sunday school class one time, there was argument about giving money to panhandlers or beggars. “What if they just use the money for drugs or alcohol?” they kept asking and it just didn’t set well with me. I didn’t have the words then that I do now. I wasn’t strong enough to speak out then.

I taught a Sunday School class to other single moms with Crown Ministries on financial lessons. Oh, the irony. My partner teacher had some very different financial outlooks. She received social security payments for three disabled children. Her new husband received social security payments for his two kids because their mom had died. If she worked, her kids wouldn’t receive their disability payments. They supported seven kids on his income as a cable installer. She was very into the prosperity gospel and that concerned and confused me. When their cell phones got turned off for nonpayment, they just went to a different company and got new ones. This was a different financial perspective for me. I don’t think that’s what Jesus is about.

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17

Don’t just give or buy a homeless person food. Just give them the money if you have it. You think you mean well but what you’re doing is taking away their autonomy and the ability to make choices for themselves. Don’t be performatist in your giving and brag about your charity. And don’t even get me started on the predatory practices of Dave Ramsey and his ilk.

The poor you will always have with you.

“What if they buy drugs and alcohol?” You buy drugs and alcohol with your money; what’s the difference? source

What they do isn’t your concern. Giving (freely and honoring their dignity) is your concern.

What can we do?

Society criminalizes the poor.

When I met my current husband, I was impressed by the stability being a military wife could offer. I also wanted my daughter rescued from her deadbeat dad. Moving out of state solved many of my personal and financial problems. My husband adopted my daughter and the child support and visitation rights were out of the picture. My credit improved with each cosigned purchase. We’ve dug ourselves in and out of debt several times with circumstances that seemed unavoidable – car repairs, vet services for our cats, trips home for dying parents. We’ve never made a late payment. The government has faced furlough several times, but we have always pulled through.

We are now as financially stable as I ever hoped to be.

I think our understanding of poverty is odd in Western society. I grew up having my needs met. I got things for Christmas and my birthday. I received good medical and dental care. There was constant upward mobility for my parents. I can see how far I have come with my own family in the last twenty years. I take for granted things now that I used to dream of having. That’s not poverty.

It took years for me to realize I have financial trauma and other trauma that affects how I make decisions.

I don’t think most people really grasp how low the federal minimum wage ($7.25) is. If you get charged $20 for a late fee, that’s almost three times the minimum wage. If you get an overdraft fee of $30, that’s over four hours (half a standard workday) of minimum wage labor.
Aidan Smith

Another interesting financial perspective was introduced to me at a Sunday school class when a young enlisted military family mentioned their WIC and Medicaid provisions were part of their income. I had never considered this idea before.

I think it’s quite upsetting that military service members don’t earn a living wage. Many families struggle and everyone deserves better pay for their jobs.

Poverty isn’t just being homeless. Poverty isn’t just being on welfare. Poverty can be a mindset.

If you pay your employees so little that they require food stamps and Medicaid, you’re not a job creator, you’re mooching off the public dime. (and yes, the majority of people on public assistance are employed).
Dan Price

I hate how poverty is seen as personal failure rather than a societal one.

A parking space in downtown cities makes $27/hour. I, a real person with thoughts and feelings, capable of suffering, make less than a damn parking space.
posted multiple times on Twitter

My daughter left our home a year ago. She quit college. She got a full-time job as a caregiver to disabled adults. She seems happy with her independence. I’m proud of her. I’m also frightened that she is one little emergency or circumstance away from poverty, homelessness, financial disaster. She doesn’t make enough to save anything. If she gets sick and can’t work, she doesn’t get paid. I’ve helped her several times with car repairs and buying her groceries, gas, and medicine. I paid cash for her therapy the last couple months. I put her up in an extended stay when her roommates got COVID. She lost her dependent status and insurance when she turned 21. We are trying to help her figure out open enrollment insurance options. I worry all the time.

I realize this is a controversial take but maybe being one blown tire, one broken bone, or one paycheck away from homelessness & financial ruin at all times isn’t actually “freedom” the way we were raised to believe it is.
Libby Bakalar

Those in power aren’t really concerned about children or their schooling. It’s become obvious that school is just childcare so parents can be available to work.

When COVID-19 hit, so many couldn’t work or lost jobs and it was a desperate time for many who relied on steady income and never imagined struggling. Many faced eviction. Our country and world is in crisis.

Too many just want to “go back to normal” because they have never been affected negatively by social circumstances. They just want their restaurant food or fancy coffee concoction for their morning commute and their kids back in school so they don’t have to worry about childcare. I try to understand this. But I also feel that our society should shift priorities. There are answers if we just try a little harder. We can look to other successful countries for how they manage social needs.

We’re educating generations of children to lack empathy.

What kind of world are we creating, maintaining, leaving for future generations? Where is there hope if we’re just retaining the status quo and not striving for improvements?

when we say poverty is violent we don’t mean because we can’t afford luxury things, we mean watching our loved ones suffer from treatable diseases, not being able to properly care for ourselves without risking bankruptcy, having to work in the midst of life altering trauma.
L on Twitter

I see the boats, RVs, and SUVs in my neighbors’ driveways. I certainly don’t know their financial situations, but I wonder if they are just a couple paychecks away from disaster.

You are closer to being homeless than being a billionaire.

It’s surely the sign of a sick society when basic needs are seen as extravagance. We treat our youngest and oldest and the disabled as disposable.

People are getting complacent instead of angry. Gas prices are soaring. Rent is ridiculous and rising. Food costs are high and I’m seeing many independent restaurants closing.

I’m angry. Are you?

What seems like an extravagance to you?

You might also like:

Linking up: Pinch of Joy, Eclectic Red Barn, Silverado, April Harris, Mostly Blogging, Jenerally Informed, Shelbee on the Edge, OMHG, God’s Growing Garden, LouLou Girls, Suburbia, InstaEncouragements, Ridge Haven, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Penny’s Passion, Joanne Viola, Slices of Life, Simply Coffee, Randomosity, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Bijou Life, Momfessionals, Bijou Life, Answer is Chocolate, Create with Joy,

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How Does My Garden Grow?

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Please see my suggested resources.

May 23, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 6 Comments

We’ve lived in this house for about five years now, purchased it two years ago after we realized we were staying and my husband retiring from the Air Force here.

I feel like it’s finally starting to feel like home.

The kids love to help me in the garden and enjoy the veggies and herbs we grow. We all love bird watching and seeing the wildlife in our backyard woods.

We’ve always rented and it’s so nice to finally have a place to call home and the kids can start to grow some roots figuratively and literally. We have no family and few friends and always feel like outsiders since we’ve moved around so frequently.

It took me over a year to get the front yard weed-free. We had so much crabgrass from all the years of neglect. Neighbors who have lived on this street for decades have stopped to compliment my hard work, that it’s never looked better.

It’s a stress reliever for me to work in my yard and garden. I love cutting the grass and digging in the dirt, weeding, all of it.

I’ve had the herb garden since our first year here. The oregano, chives, and sage does come back every year. I can’t seem to get hardy rosemary and my thyme didn’t come back this year, so I had to replace it. I buy parsley and basil every year. I keep fighting cilantro which does ok until I harvest some, then it seems to get mad and wilt or go to seed.

I have strawberries, some lettuces, and a rogue green bean! I transplanted my Russian sage and a trumpet vine on the other side of the fence.

I love gnomes, mushrooms, and frogs. I have lots of fun little statues around the garden.

My spiderwort is very happy this year! I also have a huge hellebore. I got some free Heucheras that are doing great. My lavender is coming back from winter. The irises and gladiolas won’t bloom, so I think they need more direct sunshine, so I will have to find another place for them. In early spring, we have lots of daffodils and hyacinths.

I have a small sun-loving garden in front of our wood pile, at the end of the driveway.

I got this lovely forsythia free from a Buy Nothing group. I bought two purple azaleas and transplanted some grape hyacinths from the yard. There’s also some forget-me-nots in there from seed that I hope aren’t choked out! It was so pretty when it bloomed.

I have two rose trees that were just given to me and I really hope they make it, but their roots were chopped pretty bad, so we will see.

I have three kinds of mint in a half barrel pot so it doesn’t take over. I have prolific lemon balm growing, so I may have to put that in another pot or thin it out.

I love, love, love roses and I wish I had a larger space for a magnificent rose garden.

I’ve had roses at every house I’ve lived in and it’s always sad to move and leave them. I hope they’re being loved and cared for by whoever lives in those homes now.

There was one rose already here when we moved in. I have acquired the others from our local Buy Nothing group and I’ve purchased two – a Blue Girl and Elizabeth. I also have lavender, mini irises, and a peony that has been transplanted for the third time and looks like it might finally be happy to bloom!

I also just ordered some allium that I think will look lovely poking up around the roses. They also are supposed to ward off pests.

I just read that white geraniums ward off Japanese beetles, so we will see if these work!

Here’s my first rose bloom this year – Blue Girl!

The backyard is a lot brighter after we had the walnut trees removed. We tilled the soil and fertilized it well. This is our second year with a nice little vegetable garden. We had a truckload of topsoil and compost delivered last month and that really helped!

I love the raised beds my husband made out of pallets. We have carrots, beets, radishes, bok choy, leeks, green onions, sweet onions. We have several kinds of sweet and hot peppers.

We have peas, potatoes, tomatoes, yellow squash, zucchini, eggplant, cucumbers, raspberries.

I plan to get in green beans and sweet potatoes this weekend.

In the far right corner, I am slowly building up a shade garden with more hostas, astilbe, bleeding hearts, lily of the valley, Solomon’s seal, and a little lacy Japanese maple.

The hostas were almost all here when we moved in. I have divided them and acquired more from our local Buy Nothing group.

This is the edge of our backyard fenceline and I love the birdbath from Lowe’s and plan to get a 4×4 to make a more permanent bird feeder.

I have a jungle on my deck. I bring all my houseplants outside for the summer and they love it!

I love annuals in pots that attract hummingbirds and also help to keep mosquitoes and wasps away.

Lots of houseplants were given to me from our Buy Nothing group. I also scout the clearance corners at Home Depot, Lowe’s, and Walmart.

The clearance section also a great way to get very cheap orchids and tropicals!

These two plants were crammed into one container and very unhappy and I think it was only $7 or $8. I separated them and they seem more cheerful alone.

My bathroom windowsill is full of orchids! I can never have too many. Many people don’t want them after the blooms fall off. Maybe they’re not interested in waiting for more blooms or think orchids are difficult to maintain. I don’t know. But I love them!

I’ve always loved geraniums on the front porch. I bring my big geraniums inside for the winter, and they’re happy under the dining room window, so these are about four years old!

So, the landlady replaced the front door and sidelights all of a sudden with no notice while my husband was deployed. She wanted me to paint it, inside and out but I refused. After she berated the poor contractors from Lowe’s who didn’t have the holes drilled for a deadbolt, she painted it herself, white. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the old door, which was red, like the frame surround. I would have never chosen this plain door with plain windows! Now that we’ve bought the house, I plan to get a beautiful front door and sidelights someday.

We have a magnolia and redbud tree that the kids enjoy when they bloom.

I toy with removing the boxwoods and barberry from the front of the house, but they’re quite large and I worry it would be a huge job and mess up all the other plants. I think it’s odd that the boxwoods do great on one side and always look burnt and yellowed on the other side. I don’t think they get enough sun. I’m not sure what to replace them with, and I can’t afford replacement plants that large, so it would look silly with tiny plants.

We have a hedge of lovely lilacs in front of our garage.

I’m so, so proud of our little pollinator garden.

Coneflowers were already here and I have added hyssop, bee balm, salvia, milkweed, SO MUCH YARROW, dill, fennel, a passion vine, cardinalis, foxglove, black eyed susans.

I love how all the plants are getting established and seem happy.

I enjoy working in my yard and garden and I’m constantly moving and evaluating and adding. I can never just sit and not think about how I could change or update some part of it. I love how it’s growing every year!

How does your garden grow?

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Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, April Harris, Pinch of Joy, Mostly Blogging, Create with Joy, Silverado, Anita Ojeda, InstaEncouragements, Suburbia, Across the Blvd, Jenerally Informed, God’s Growing Garden, LouLou Girls, OMHG, Stroll Thru Life, Shelbee on the Edge, Fluster Buster, Ducks in a Row. Ridge Haven, Soaring with Him, My Wee Abode, Try it Like it, Penny’s Passion, Good Random Fun, Slices of Life, Pam’s Party, Bijou Life, Momfessionals, ArtfulMom, Bijou Life, Answer is Chocolate, Building our Hive, Modern Monticello, Random Musings,

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Best Books of 2021

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November 22, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 18 Comments

I read a lot, like a lot a lot.

We do read alouds for our homeschool every morning and some evenings.

I always have several books on my Kindle app or nightstand or side table, throughout the house, really.

I love exploring new concepts in history or self-help and reading fiction with my kids.

I try to intersperse fun fiction reads. There are no fluffy, bad, or wrong books. There are just preferences.

I read lots of books. It tends to go in waves depending on what’s going on in my life, how busy we are, my moods and availability of library eBooks. I think I notice themes each year that help me grow and become a better person, wife, mom.

I tried and quit reading Gilead multiple times. I don’t like quitting, but I really loathed the book, the characters, and story. I couldn’t find any reason to finish. Some books I read in a single evening. Others take a few days or even weeks.

My Favorite Books I Read in 2021

Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation by Kristin Kobes Du Mez

A sweeping, revisionist history of the last seventy-five years of white evangelicalism, revealing how evangelicals have worked to replace the Jesus of the Gospels with an idol of rugged masculinity and Christian nationalism.

This was an enlightening book explaining many historical events and helped me make connections during my lifetime.

The Woman in the Window by A. J. Finn

It isn’t paranoia if it’s really happening . . .

Anna Fox lives alone—a recluse in her New York City home, unable to venture outside. She spends her day drinking wine (maybe too much), watching old movies, recalling happier times . . . and spying on her neighbors.

Then the Russells move into the house across the way: a father, a mother, their teenage son. The perfect family. But when Anna, gazing out her window one night, sees something she shouldn’t, her world begins to crumble—and its shocking secrets are laid bare.

What is real? What is imagined? Who is in danger? Who is in control? In this diabolically gripping thriller, no one—and nothing—is what it seems.

I really enjoyed this book and the film was ok too. I love Amy Adams and she did a great portrayal.

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

Somewhere out beyond the edge of the universe there is a library that contains an infinite number of books, each one the story of another reality. One tells the story of your life as it is, along with another book for the other life you could have lived if you had made a different choice at any point in your life. While we all wonder how our lives might have been, what if you had the chance to go to the library and see for yourself? Would any of these other lives truly be better?

I love, love, love all the books by Matt Haig and this one was very interesting and thought provoking. I have The Comfort Book on my list to read.

Here in the Real World by Sara Pennypacker

Ware can’t wait to spend summer “off in his own world”—dreaming of knights in the Middle Ages and generally being left alone. But then his parents sign him up for dreaded Rec camp, where he must endure Meaningful Social Interaction and whatever activities so-called “normal” kids do.

On his first day Ware meets Jolene, a tough, secretive girl planting a garden in the rubble of an abandoned church next to the camp. Soon he starts skipping Rec, creating a castle-like space of his own in the church lot.

Jolene scoffs, calling him a dreamer—he doesn’t live in the “real world” like she does. As different as Ware and Jolene are, though, they have one thing in common: for them, the lot is a refuge.

But when their sanctuary is threatened, Ware looks to the knights’ Code of Chivalry: Thou shalt do battle against unfairness wherever faced with it. Thou shalt be always the champion of the Right and Good—and vows to save the lot.

But what does a hero look like in real life? And what can two misfit kids do?

I love this author and this book was so, so sweet and lovely. We enjoyed the characters and were so sad when it ended.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents’ emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you’ll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life.

Discover the four types of difficult parents:

The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety
The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone
The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting
The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory

This book was helpful for me understanding my parents and making sure not to make similar mistakes with my own children.

Wanderers by Chuck Wendig

A decadent rock star. A deeply religious radio host. A disgraced scientist. And a teenage girl who may be the world’s last hope. From the mind of Chuck Wendig comes an astonishing tapestry of humanity that Harlan Coben calls “a suspenseful, twisty, satisfying, surprising, thought-provoking epic.”

Shana wakes up one morning to discover her little sister in the grip of a strange malady. She appears to be sleepwalking. She cannot talk and cannot be woken up. And she is heading with inexorable determination to a destination that only she knows. But Shana and her sister are not alone. Soon they are joined by a flock of sleepwalkers from across America, on the same mysterious journey. And, like Shana, there are other “shepherds” who follow the flock to protect their friends and family on the long dark road ahead.

For on their journey, they will discover an America convulsed with terror and violence, where this apocalyptic epidemic proves less dangerous than the fear of it. As the rest of society collapses all around them—and an ultraviolent militia threatens to exterminate them—the fate of the sleepwalkers depends on unraveling the mystery behind the epidemic. The terrifying secret will either tear the nation apart—or bring the survivors together to remake a shattered world.

This was a prophetic book and very disturbing. Eye opening into the human condition.

Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang

Overwork is the new normal. Rest is something to do when the important things are done-but they are never done. Looking at different forms of rest, from sleep to vacation, Silicon Valley futurist and business consultant Alex Soojung-Kim Pang dispels the myth that the harder we work the better the outcome. He combines rigorous scientific research with a rich array of examples of writers, painters, and thinkers—from Darwin to Stephen King—to challenge our tendency to see work and relaxation as antithetical.

I am constantly searching for confirmation bias that we are counter-cultural in our seeking to be out of the rat race.

Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro

From her place in the store, Klara, an Artificial Friend with outstanding observational qualities, watches carefully the behaviour of those who come in to browse, and of those who pass in the street outside. She remains hopeful a customer will soon choose her, but when the possibility emerges that her circumstances may change for ever, Klara is warned not to invest too much in the promises of humans.

This book was very emotional. I am still disturbed by the ending and keep trying to figure it out in my head.

The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K. Le Guin

In a near-future world beset by war, climate change, and overpopulation, Portland resident George Orr discovers that his dreams have the power to alter reality. Upon waking, the world he knew has become a strange, barely recognizable place, where only George has a clear memory of how it was before. Seeking escape from these “effective dreams,” George eventually turns to behavioral psychologist Dr. William Haber for a cure. But Haber has other ideas in mind.

Seeing the profound power of George’s dreams, Haber believes it must be harnessed for the greater good—no matter the cost. Soon, George is a pawn in Haber’s dangerous game, where the fate of humanity grows more imperiled with every waking hour.

Whew, this book gave me nightmares. It has stayed with me all year. So disturbing on many counts.

Recipes for a Sacred Life: True Stories and a Few Miracles by Rivvy Neshama

On a dark winter night with little to do, Rivvy Neshama took a “Find Your Highest Purpose” quiz. And the funny thing was, she found it: to live a sacred life. Problem was, she didn’t know how.

But she set out to learn. And in the weeks and months that followed, she began to remember and encounter all the people and experiences featured in this book—from her father’s jokes to her mother’s prayers, from Billie in Harlem to a stranger in Salzburg, and from warm tortillas to the humble oatmeal. Each became a story, like a recipe passed down, beginning with her mother and her simple toast to life.

I enjoyed reading these snippets of wisdom gleaned from seeking a sacred life.

A Patchwork Planet by Anne Tyler

Barnaby Gaitlin has been in trouble ever since adolescence. He had this habit of breaking into other people’s houses. It wasn’t the big loot he was after, like his teenage cohorts. It was just that he liked to read other people’s mail, pore over their family photo albums, and appropriate a few of their precious mementos.

I keep thinking about how real and relatable the characters are. I highlighted so many lovely phrases and wish I had more to the story.

What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty

Alice Love is twenty-nine, crazy about her husband, and pregnant with her first child. So imagine Alice’s surprise when she comes to on the floor of a gym (a gym! She HATES the gym) and is whisked off to the hospital where she discovers the honeymoon is truly over—she’s getting divorced, she has three kids, and she’s actually 39 years old. Alice must reconstruct the events of a lost decade, and find out whether it’s possible to reconstruct her life at the same time. She has to figure out why her sister hardly talks to her, and how is it that she’s become one of those super skinny moms with really expensive clothes. Ultimately, Alice must discover whether forgetting is a blessing or a curse, and whether it’s possible to start over…

I just cannot quit thinking about this book. What would it be like if I forgot the last ten years? What if I could go back to then? Would I even really want to? But what could I incorporate about that younger, more innocent self into the jaded me right now?

What have you enjoyed reading recently?

You might also like:

Linking up: Grammy’s Grid, Pinch of Joy, Anita Ojeda, Silverado, Random Musings, Mostly Blogging, OMHG, InstaEncouragements, Lou:Lou Girls, Suburbia, Jenerally Informed, Shelbee on the Edge, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Note Me Happy, Being a Wordsmith, Cottage Market, Embracing the Unexpected, Pieced Pastimes, Answer is Choco, Stroll Thru Life, Ginger Snap, Ducks in a Row, Ridge Haven, Try it Like it, Slices of Life, Artful Mom, Moment with Franca, Momfessionals, Pam’s Party, Hubbard home, Create with Joy,

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Foodie Gift Guide

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November 15, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 5 Comments

My family and I love to cook and eat and cool gadgets often make our lives easier. Here are some fun gifts for people who love spending time in the kitchen or around the dining table.

We have certain kitchen essentials and have/had some fun cooking tools for our kids when they were little.

We don’t really care for many unitaskers or any multicookers. I actually enjoy cooking and my counters are already cluttered enough. I want good quality tools that are functional and beautiful that will last a long time.

We love good food and good wine. Dinner each evening is a feast.

Gift Guide for Foodies

Pepper Mill

I love this pepper mill because it’s easy to turn and refill. It gives lovely coarse grinds.

Whipped Cream Dispenser

We love, love, love this whipped cream dispenser, especially during holiday dessert season! I love making my own whipped cream with natural ingredients and flavors.

Kitchen Torch

I never thought I would like, use, or need a torch in the kitchen, but it comes in handy for more than just crème brûlée!

Electric Milk Frother

I have a microwave frother but I also love my electric frother. We can use the flavored Silk almond creams or regular whole milk, cream, or half and half.

Dehydrator

It comes in handy to dehydrate foods when we garden and can’t eat everything right away. Also fun to make homemade fruit rollups or gummy snacks from fresh fruit! Loads of uses.

Food Sealer

We like our Food Saver, but we may get this Zwilling system. We like to marinate meats with no spilling. I often separate bulk buys into servings for our deep freezer. I need to remember to label everything!

Wine Opener

There are some fancy and expensive wine openers out there, but this is still my favorite! The electric ones worry me and my husband loves his waiter’s corkscrew from Laguiole from our last trip to Paris. This is easy to use and doesn’t hurt my hands or break the corks.

Wine aerator

We like aerating our red wines and the more complex white wines either direct into glasses or into a decanter for better and fuller flavor.

Decanter

We love our glass decanters to air our red wines and make pouring without spilling easier. And they’re pretty on the table!

Vacuum sealer

We don’t often have leftover wine or soda, but these vacuum pump sealers work wonders to save bottles. They can then last up to a week!

Wine Rack

We have a simple wine rack in our basement where the temperature is always cool.

Wine Books

These books are great for learning about how to pair wine with food or discovering what you love!

Also, fun cookbooks are great gifts!

Specialty Glassware

I bought an engraved whisky glass for my husband last year and he loves it!

Fun wine glasses with cute sayings or insulated/unbreakable cups for picnics or backyard entertaining are popular.

Food gifts or subscriptions

I am always excited to receive a bottle of whisky or wine.

Cheese or salami is always welcome!

I love gourmet chocolate with fancy unique ingredients. My favorite is saffron!

One year, my husband game me an olive oil of the month subscription.

We’re excited to see fun food Advent calendars in our local grocery stores – cheese, wine, beer. These make great gifts or fun to try new flavors.

Wine

Firstleaf wine gifts are versatile and they can customize which wines they prefer – sweet or dry, sparkling, white, rosé, or red.

My husband and I gave ourselves a Firstleaf subscription last year. It’s been a fun adventure!

Seafood

KnowSeafood gifts or subscription for the seafood lovers! We live in Dayton, Ohio, and finding good affordable fresh seafood is difficult. We love, love, love the selection and quality at KnowSeafood!