Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Tending Our Garden

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We have had so many gardens over the years.

We have moved six times during our marriage. It does put a lot of stress on a family to start over so many times.

We tried to grow at every home where we ever lived. Some gardens were tiny and some were spacious. Some struggled and some thrived.

I like to think of our gardens as symbolic of our family – when we struggled and when we thrived in our relationships with each other.

Like gardens, relationships need the right conditions. There were bad weather and seasons, rocky or sandy soil. When we spent time, effort, and money on the gardens and our lives, we all grew.

My first little house that I bought myself in Georgia, I had begun to grow roses and flowers and some herbs.

I had to go through boxes of photographs since this is before digital cameras. Ah, the memories!

I loved birds even then and had feeders at the window. I was sad to have to sell this house and if I could go back, I would keep it and rent it out.

Our first little herb garden at our first rental home as a small blended family, in San Antonio, after we PCSed the very first time. We later grew some veggies for the first time. It was fun for our first homeschool year.

When we PCSed to Hawaii for three years, we lived on base and were not allowed to have a garden or change the landscape. We still grew and discovered what and who we wanted to be. We were surrounded by lush green and flowers and we enjoyed it all.

Our largest garden at our rental house in Utah where we grew lots of veggies and had a grape vine along the fence.

The whole family really worked hard in Utah on our garden. We enjoyed having fresh food that we grew ourselves. The kids would be so excited to help and harvest. We preserved, canned, and dried since we produced so much. We lived there four years and were just getting comfortable when we had to move again.

We used containers to grow herbs and veggies with our teeny tiny back yard in Germany. Even with the gorgeous food surrounding us in Europe and a fun little market right at our doorstep, we still yearned to grow our own.

Our baby garden when we rented our current house, that we just bought a year ago. We just had peas and lettuces and green beans. The radishes and carrots didn’t quite take. And I always have herbs.

We just celebrated our house-iversary. We bought our home one year ago!

It’s not perfect, but in many ways, it’s the best we’ve ever had and could ever hope for. While I always wanted more than mediocre suburbia for my kids, we have settled here for reasons. Sometimes, we dream of a hobby farm, but it’s just not feasible and I don’t see it ever happening.

The first thing we did after we signed the mortgage papers, was to have all the walnut trees cut down. It opened up our backyard and we don’t have to wear hard hats on the deck or worry about being pummeled by baseball-sized walnuts anymore.

We conditioned the soil and planned a little victory garden. We just planted early veggies – peas, lettuces, onions, potatoes, carrots, radishes, asparagus. We have spots ready to plant tomatoes, green beans, cucumbers, squash when it’s warmer. We also planted two raspberry bushes.

While most of these plants will be ready to harvest in a month or so, the asparagus won’t be ready for about three years. It takes patience and planning.

We’ve never been settled in a place long enough to plan that far ahead.

It’s so exciting to finally realize this is all ours and we can update or change anything. I have to take a deep breath and let it all sink in.

I love planning and planting flowers. My herb garden is thriving. I’m a member of a local online gardening group that is just lovely. I just started my rose garden and I can’t wait to see the blooms!

When we had unexpected snow the end of April, it was disappointing, but we came together to cover the tender young plants against freezing. We prayed and hoped they wouldn’t wither or wilt and will be hardier for their shock of the frost. Just as we hope to weather storms and survive to thrive the hard times in our lives and we sure have had our share of tough times.

I’m transplanting bushes that need more sun and pruning and shaping plants that may have never had that done to them before. We’re fertilizing and adding soil and mulch for nutrients and weed cover.

We make amends and do more of what works and less of what doesn’t – in our relationships and with our plants. We’re constantly learning and growing.

Linking up: Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, April Harris, Anita Ojeda, Eclectic Red Barn, Jeanne Takenaka, InstaEncouragements, Ducks in a Row, OMHG, Grammy’s Grid, Ginger Snap, Fluster Buster, Girlish Whims, Ridge Haven, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Suburbia, Penny’s Passion, Crystal Storms, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, Debbie Kitterman, Katherine’s Corner, Grandma’s Ideas, LouLou Girls, Our Three Peas, Try it Like it, Wordsmith, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Simply Sweet Home, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, CWJ, Random Musings,

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Parenting with Depression

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I’m really tired of all the blogs and articles telling mothers to just get help.

I think some people assume it’s easy to get help.

There are so many obstacles to getting help.

Sometimes, the help isn’t helpful.

Sometimes, therapy makes things worse.

I’m sorry that I do need more than Jesus. Many require therapy, meds, and many things more than Jesus. When Christians admonish those with mental illness or recovery from abuse or living with addiction that all we need is Jesus, it diminishes us still further, stigmatizes, silences. Why do we need more? Are we not good enough? Are we not Christian enough? Maybe these “Christians” aren’t really showing us Jesus. It’s just empty words like so much emptiness in my heart, mind, soul.

Depression isn’t always obvious.

I hide my inner self because no one really wants the running commentary about everything that is out of sync with our natures with this dying society.

I could fit in if I wanted to, if I tried harder. I could paste on a smile and giggle and be fake and nod along with other parents telling horrendous stories shaming their kids and making fun of their spouses.

My values aren’t their values. No one shares my values.

The trite checklists on how to help moms, depressed or not, is really out of touch with reality.

As a military wife and homeschool mom, I don’t have any help or family or friends or staff or child care. I don’t even have an emergency contact on forms!

Finding a therapist or psychologist is virtually impossible. I don’t have the luxury of shopping around and moving every few years makes for no continuity. Why should I even start to trust someone and open up to them if I have to move?

There is no extra money for hiring out home cleaning or yard maintenance.

Self care is way more than bubble baths. No one actually cares. And I struggle to care for myself.

I learned early in life not to have needs.

It was a cycle: Felt need, shame for need, inability to meet my own need, increased shame for need, paralyzing effects of shame blocking self care, increased need, more shame—on and on until I felt into my darkest, most fearful mental anguish.

Janyne A. McConnaughey, Ph.D.

Those depression and suicide risk assessments at the doctor’s office are bullshit. “Don’t hesitate to reach out.” Reach out to whom, exactly? Reach out for what? If I were honest with health care professionals or acquaintances or family members about my inner thoughts and feelings, I would be locked away against my will and my children might be removed from our home.

Every single appointment, the doctor offers me drugs for anxiety and depression. It’s so easy. I could just medicate myself into annihilation.

So I suffer in silence.

Our culture tends to think of depression in the person who finds work too stressful as a sign of weakness. Self-help articles imply that they just need more mental toughness and they could lean in and solve it. Even some therapists tell them that their depression is a distorted perception of circumstances that aren’t so bad.

Alison Escalante, M.D.

I had panic attacks the first couple years of marriage. We moved across the country, had two babies, and I quit teaching to begin homeschooling my eldest daughter. I just couldn’t cope with all the quick changes.

I struggled for years to do everything I thought I was supposed to do. I was constantly irritable. I just lived angry. I couldn’t delight in my kids and the cute things they said or did. Everything was a dreaded chore. I resented everyone.

I accomplish my duties every day.

Some days, it’s just “good enough.”

I never want to get out of bed. Usually my bladder says otherwise. I drag myself away from the oblivion of sleep to face the day.

I try to fill the kettle with water the night before so I just click the switch to boil the water for tea.

I give myself a pat on the back every day that I unload and load the dishwasher, wash, dry, and put away the laundry, prepare and clean up three meals for the kids. I read aloud for about an hour every morning.

It frustrates me all the mothers who are proud of their neurodivergence. I am not proud. I wish I were oblivious to all the horrors of this world. I wish I were a slaphappy InstaPinterest Stepford wife who doesn’t have a care in the world. I wish I could medicate it all away.

Ignorance really is bliss.

Sometimes the sheer weight of the world knocks me sideways and I inwardly rock with the collective pain. I’m dizzy with fear. I smile it away and pretend I’m fine.

I’m fine.

It’s like I have a constant dull headache.

I don’t want to frighten my family with my inner thoughts. I pretend they’re not there, the intrusive thoughts.

Every single day, multiple times a day, I tell my suicidal thoughts to shut the fuck up.

I am not dying today. I have things to do. Even though my life seems tedious and expendable, I am needed. Maybe I am not so easily replaceable.

I will not traumatize my kids with a dead mother. I will live to see them grow up.

I know all the “right” things to do and I try to do them, especially when I don’t feel like it.

I make my bed every morning – so I won’t climb back in it. I try to eat well. I limit myself to two cups of tea or coffee. I try to remember to brush my teeth. I limit visible clutter to help my inner anxiety. I exercise almost every day. I go for walks outdoors with my kids almost every afternoon. I get off social media when it seems too much. I surround myself with blues and greens. I take an Epsom salts bath every evening. I listen to music and read a lot.

I need to model good practices.

It’s devastating to me that my kids remind me to brush my teeth and take my vitamins. I know they’re just modeling back to me what I have taught them and they’re genuinely concerned, but I’m the mom, the adult, and the kids shouldn’t have to worry about me.

I don’t want to be a burden on my family. I’m sure parents with diabetes or some other physical medical diagnosis or chronic illness don’t feel the shame and guilt that parents with mental illness feel. We suffer in silence and put on a brave face in spite of everything.

I say “I’m sorry” all the time. I feel so ashamed when and if I forget something or get caught being careless.

I’m sorry the store was out of the good sausage and I had to buy this lesser one. I’m sorry I forgot the ice cream again. I’m sorry I am overwhelmed and have to interrupt your game to ask for your help. I’m sorry I got frustrated by the shoes left in my way. I’m sorry that I need your laundry basket back to fill it up with your clean laundry.

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

Imsorry

Lately, I’ve been so clumsy and disoriented that I’ve knocked glasses off the kitchen counter and slipped getting into the bathtub. The doctor said it’s probably anxiety since my physical health is fine. He offered me meds again. He offered me an appointment with the behavioral health specialist. The last time – four years ago – full of hope and younger then, I went to BHOP, she offered me a breathing app for a smartphone sponsored by the U.S. Air Force. She told me to fill out a graphic organizer detailing my support system. I don’t have a support system. She is no help. She doesn’t really care. I am just a number, a box to check. She even called the house to ask if I’m ok and I let the answering machine pick up multiple times before I picked up to say, that yes, I’m fine. I’m fine.

For the life of me, I can’t remember or find where I got this list, but I think it’s important to post it here as some common reasons for depression in moms.

  1. Standards of Perfection – Holding ourselves to impossible standards
  2. Lack of Adequate Coping Skills or Self Care – Setting boundaries, saying no to more, being confident with your choices – all self-care
  3. Unresolved Pain – Failure to address suffering of past trauma or abuse
  4. Attempting To Control The Future – An unhealthy concern of how today’s actions could result in a future negative outcome: ANXIETY
  5. Lack of Support – Knowing where to turn for help without feeling guilt 

wow, I have all of those!

Wine mom culture isn’t gonna fix it.

I think there are many causes of depression. Of course it’s a mix of environmental causes and brain chemistry.

I’ve had functional depression since about the age of twelve. I think growing into abstract thinking and the hormone surge of adolescence triggers a lot of mental illness. I struggled with cognitive dissonance with my parents’ abuse and societal issues with my introversion and high sensitive emotions. So, it’s a lovely melting pot of negativity and lack of connection and having no one to help me.

It’s been difficult to come to terms with who I really am – as an adult, a wife and mother. I spent my whole life stifling it and hiding as never enough.

By Laura Grace Weldon:

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Linking up: Random Musings, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Marilyn’s Treats, Mostly Blogging, LouLou Girls, Suburbia, Grammy’s Grid, Our Three Peas, Fluster Buster, Girlish Whims, Ginger Snap Crafts, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Grandma’s Ideas, Slices of Life, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Lyli Dunbar, Imparting Grace, CWJ, OMHG, Embracing Unexpected, Katherine’s Corner, Try it Like it, Little Bit, Simply Sweet Home, Being a Wordsmith, Answer is Choco, Create with Joy,

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Celebrating Spring

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Spring is a time of renewal.

The breezes and rain wash away the old and bring in something bright and new.

The kids and I love to explore our yard and the woods behind our house, seeking out new shoots of green, awakening insects, migrating birds.

We’re surprised every year by the bulbs re-emerging, like we’ve forgotten or are worried they might not appear for some reason this year.

I’ve always felt like a spring baby, even though I’m born on only the 18th. My aunt was born on the 20th and I always thought she was so special.

I remember all the springtimes at every house we’ve lived – the flowers that grew there and I sometimes miss in a different climate. I long for the blooming azaleas of my Southern home.

After the vernal equinox, the days become longer and the nights become shorter. Daylight Saving Time also helps us to enjoy the warmer sunnier weather.

We naturally long to be outside more as the weather warms, after being perhaps more cooped up inside during the colder months, when the sun set at or even before dinnertime.

We enjoy our after-dinner walks again. It helps digestion and sleep and I just generally feel better.

We visit our resident Great Horned Owls by our neighborhood pond and woods. We will soon welcome the Little Brown Bats from their winter slumber to eat up the mosquitoes. Birds, raccoons, squirrels, and opossums will soon have babies foraging at our feeders and in our yard.

It’s baseball season and we’re running around to practices and games, dodging the rain with prayers, blankets, and umbrellas.

We’re planning our backyard vegetable garden. We notice the herbs returning after their winter dormancy. We’ve pruned the roses and fertilized the lawn and shrubs.

The world is awakening in wonder.

Celebrating the Spring Equinox

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Raised Better

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I remember being spanked, backhanded, pushed, yelled at, belittled, called “stupid” and “worthless.” I was told to stop crying or I would be given something to cry about. Nothing I ever did was good enough.

I was not a bad kid. I got good grades. I seldom got in trouble at school. I did home chores, anything I was asked to do. I helped with cleaning and cooking and yard work.

All grown-ups were once children…but only few of them remember it.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

My parents stole so many wonderful memories from me that I longed to happily share with them – moving out in a healthy way, graduating college and grad school, having my first baby.

I did my best to drag myself out of the pit I made. I struggled. I learned. I grew.

What if I had been raised better?

What if I had been protected, loved, cherished, validated?

I can reparent myself as I learn how to gently parent my four children. I can repair and heal myself as I learn better ways.

I’ve spent over twenty years stressed and anxious about my four kids.

I have running commentary inside my head all the time:

Am I doing this right? Am I doing enough? Should I back off? Should I do this? Should we stop that? What can I do differently? What is working or not?

And I have so many regrets about doing the wrong things when I was a younger and more inexperienced parent.

What are my expectations and are they about my ego or what’s best for my child?

We sometimes struggled to give our kids the life we didn’t have. We have no guidance or role models.

When children are little, parents do have to make (sometimes hard) decisions for the child. I try to include my kids and respect them, but sometimes I have to override their wishes to make the best choice for their well-being.

Children naturally trust parents and are attached to them as caregivers. They have little choice, so it’s very important that I do the best I can and treat them well and respectfully. I want my children to grow up healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Better than I was.

I made sure we enrolled the kids in recreational sports, dance, gymnastics, music, art – whatever was available and they expressed interest in. The kids often shared my enthusiasm and we were careful not to pressure them. If they expressed they wanted to move on or update their interests, we welcomed their input and made necessary changes.

As my kids grow into teens and young adults, they sometimes express themselves to me and their dad in ways that hurt. I try really hard not to be triggered or take it personally. I try to listen and understand. I cry alone, in secret. I don’t want my kids to feel guilty or wrong for telling me their thoughts, wishes, dreams, feelings. I want them to feel safe to tell me anything. I don’t want to put pressure on my children to rescue me.

I worry constantly if I’m saying or doing something like my parents did to me.

I have to update my expectations often as I continually remind myself and realize that my children are individuals with their own lives to lead. Parents surely have dreams for their children, but we can’t and shouldn’t impose that or try to live vicariously through our kids.

I have spent over twenty years meeting physical needs and trying my best to guide my children into being healthy adults – mentally, emotionally, psychologically.

If the consequences of my child’s action or inaction does not affect me, then I must force myself to back off.

My kids this spring are 11, 14, 15, and my eldest will be 21 this fall.

I have imparted my values to them. I guide them and answer questions. I try to be proactive. I tell them what my experiences were in similar situations.

I can only be as concerned as my child.

My child’s grades do not affect me.

My child’s hair, skin, makeup, clothing is their personal choice.

My child’s possessions are their responsibility and I cannot dictate how they treat their possessions.

It is not up to me how my child spends her money (whether money is earned or a gift).

My child’s choice to quit or postpone college is not about me.

My child’s car (after age 18) is her responsibility for maintenance, insurance, gas, repairs.

My child’s choice to move into an apartment is not my fault nor can I control anything about it.

My adult child’s food choices are not my concern unless they become disordered or extreme.

My child’s tax return is her responsibility to gather paperwork and to file.

It is not my job to say “should.”

It is not my job to offer unsolicited advice.

It is my concern to help my child manage her personal hygiene and keep her room relatively clean and neat for physical and mental health and to learn executive function.

My child’s health is my concern. No matter her age. I worry about physical, mental, and dental health. I worry that my adult child has to buy her own health insurance this fall. I worry about some of her personal choices that could pose problems later. I worry that I will want or have to rescue her from herself.

While I will, of course, rescue my child in an emergency (in most cases), it is not my duty to be anxious that she makes different choices than I did or would in her circumstances.

I do intervene when a child’s mistake, words, physical abuse, action, or inaction affects her siblings or others. It is often difficult to parent a child who doesn’t react to natural consequences or is constantly flippant, expecting the problems to just go away on their own. Lack of empathy and refusal to make amends is not ok.

It’s been hard having a child who laughs at consequences and no punishment matters.

Parents are still constantly learning.

I am so glad I am out of the baby, toddler, and young child stages. I love having older kids and teens. Conversations are lively and exciting. I love seeing my kids still act like kids and wanting to be together and show affection to each other.

Look at how much love and joy comes from just letting people be who they are.

Dan Levy

Linking up: Pam’s Party, Random Musings, Mostly Blogging, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Marilyn’s Treats, Uncommon Suburbia, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Jeanne Takenaka, Grammy’s Grid, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Ridge Haven, Ginger Snap, Fluster Buster, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Simply Sweet Home, Embracing Unexpected, OMHG, CWJ, Create with Joy,

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Christmas with Teens

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When my kids were young, I struggled to make holidays magical.

It was actually pretty easy because kids look for magic everywhere.

I struggled for moderation and balance. I didn’t like going into debt for one day and see all the presents discarded while they played with one simple toy for months afterwards.

I almost miss the pretty dresses and excitement leading up to Christmas morning.

Now that my kids are teens, they really don’t even remember those holidays when they were young. They don’t remember our decorations or the presents or the food or the spilled wine or my sadness, stress, and worry I felt.

The kids ask for stories of holidays when I was young or how did we celebrate in Hawaii when we lived there. I don’t gloss over anything. It helps me to talk about it.

Holidays have always been hard for me. I’ve spent many years laying a foundation of memories for my children in spite of my triggers and stresses and perfectionism.

I realize my giving up control and letting my kids do the holidays how they want has really made us all so much happier.

Over the years, I did some things right and oh, so many things wrong.

Some years, we put the tree up way early. We did this during deployment and this year with the pandemic. We need some joy.

The kids almost set up and decorate everything with very little input from me these last few years. I stand back in awe. They work together like clockwork. The kids even set up the lights and animal decorations outside.

We began traditions years ago that have stayed with us and we all look forward to St. Nicholas’ Day and Hanukkah latkes each year.

My teens love to bake and they’re old enough now that I come home from errands or appointments to a lovely walnut pound cake or pumpernickel bread or a new cookie recipe.

My middle daughters make homemade gifts – jewelry and art. I am impressed by their creativity.

My son has always helped me with the gift wrapping. I find it interesting that his sisters have never really expressed interest.

I love seeing the pride on their faces that they did these wonderful magical things for our family. They are making great memories.

I love watching holiday movies with my kids. They still love the fun family favorites and we’re adding new traditions each year. There hardly seems time enough to watch everything!

We love listening to holiday music and find some fun and unique play lists during our pizza making each week.

I still read aloud every morning with our homeschool and holiday books.

My eldest moved out a month ago and we’re enjoying seeing her about once a week for a family dinner. Her siblings miss her and love playing games and watching videos with her.

Many activities we have done every year, but they just seem more special now that my teens look forward to them and even remind me. They rave about my Aunt Betty’s punch that we only have on special occasions.

They’re starting to realize and prefer the frugal activities that mean more than spending lots of money on fleeting experiences or items that won’t last.

Holiday Fun with Teens

How have your holidays changed with older kids?

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Linking up: Random Musings, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Marilyn’s Treats, Little Cottage, Suburbia, Mostly Blogging, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Grammy’s Grid, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Ridge Haven, Ducks in a Row, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap, Jeanne Takenaka, OMHG, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Creative Kids, Imparting Grace, Slices of Life, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Everyday Farmhouse, Create with Joy,

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Pandemic Holiday Tips

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For many people, life as they knew it has been put on hold due to the restrictions we all must adhere to with COVID-19. The days of waiting patiently for life to return to “normal” have passed. In fact, there has been enough time that has passed since the virus hit in early 2020, that we can confidently say, we have developed a new normal. 

At first, this new normal was odd. Anything new is going to be strange to our human brain. We like consistency, predictability, and familiarity. It is what helps us to feel safe and secure, the most basic of our human needs.

We are now about to embark on another adventure in experiencing something new – The Holidays.

This is a time of year that we typically would travel, visit family, go to parties at friends’ homes and restaurants, as well as within our workplaces. We typically deliver presents to share holiday cheer with others. Perhaps your family spends time in service for organizations or with individuals who need extra help and extra support during this time.

While these traditions were part of the bedrock of the holidays, they are most likely not available to us this year. Although this season will look quite different than years past, we may be able to find some hidden treasures in our new “holiday normal.”

Here are a few suggestions to help you get through this new “holiday normal” that are based on the science of how our human brain is wired with a sprinkling of strategies to improve your relationships and boost your resilience. So, in other words, these may be things you choose to add to your life, regardless of whether or not we are in the middle of a pandemic.

  1. Set the Tone: You set the tone of what this holiday will feel like for your children. They certainly will get messages from your community, their peer group, and the news, however, how you feel and talk about the holiday in your home will have the greatest influence on how they feel. Start by asking yourself, am I already setting myself and my children up for being disappointed? Boost your awareness by noticing how you are talking about the holidays with others, especially when your children are present. When you listen to the things that you say, do you feel uplifted or upset? When your children talk about the holidays do you feel your own body get tense or weak? Although you think your children can not sense this inner state, they can, and it greatly affects how they will feel. You can also use a mindfulness platform like Ninja Focus that can be a great companion for your children to check in on “how they are feeling” and listen to guided tracks from wellness experts.
  2. Make a List of Things You Do Not Have to Do: Rather than focus on what has been lost by listing all of the things that you cannot do this holiday season make a list of all of the things that you DO NOT HAVE TO DO because of the pandemic. Having worked with families for over 2 decades, I have found that many of them become overly burdened this time of year because of all of the obligatory things that they must do either personally or professionally. Start this list by titling your paper, “All of the things I do not have to do, and I never enjoyed doing anyway.” After you create that list, how does it feel when you read it?
  3. Focus on What Truly Matters: Without all of those obligations, you now have a lot more time to focus your energy on what truly has meaning to you and your family. Time for another list. What are some things that you wished you could have had more time to enjoy if you were not running all over the place during the holidays? How many times have you purchased gifts for your children, but then not have time to actually play with them? Focus on those things.
  4. Make New Traditions: It is a great opportunity to make some new traditions and get your children involved in it. Whether you are celebrating a specific holiday or simply taking some time off of work because school is closed, now is the time to collectively decide what family or individual things your children would like to explore during this time and perhaps share with you. Plan ahead, and yes, create another list by asking your children about things they are really interested in doing or learning and find creative ways to explore these things together.
  5. Spend Quality Time and Bond as a Family: Last but not least, remember that this is the perfect “storm” for you to actually BE together, as a family to talk and connect. Ask any child psychologist and they will tell you that the best way to raise children to be self-confident, respectful, happy, and secure, is to give them THIS most important present — YOUR PRESENCE. Simply being side by side, listening to each other without being rushed, speaking honestly about their dreams, fears, desires, challenges, and joys. This is what cultivates a happy home and healthy relationships.

Remember the most important thing is to spend a few moments each day enjoying the company of your children this holiday season. It can bring your family closer and boost your mood. If you think it helps, include yoga and mindfulness exercises into your daily routine. 

Ninja Focus is a great resource with short and easy to follow mindfulness exercises and meditations that you can practice as a family with your children.

We’re enjoying winter walks, exercise videos, arts and crafts, kitchen creations, holiday movies and music, and lots of reading. We’re enjoying Advent devotions every night with dinner and a Tomte story after our homeschool read alouds.

Happy holidays!

Linking up: Random Musings, Three Peas, Grandma Ideas, Anita Ojeda, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, InstaEncouragements, Little Cottage, Ridge Haven, OMHG, Suburbia, Create with Joy, Ducks in a Row, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap, LouLou Girls, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, iThrive, Grammy’s Grid, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Imparting Grace, Life Beyond the Kitchen, CKK, Being a Wordsmith, Everyday Farmhouse, April Harris,

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Kiwi Crates Gift Guide

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KiwiCo inspires kids to see themselves as makers — engineering and creating their own innovative designs and outcomes. Their core offering is a monthly subscription which has delivered millions of hands-on projects. These fun and enriching STEAM projects are designed to spark creativity, tinkering, and learning. Ultimately, their mission is to provide the next generation of innovators with the tools and a foundation to become creative problem-solvers and critical thinkers.

Subscriptions across brands can be ordered on a monthly, 3 month, 6 month, or annual basis. Users can also purchase single crates through the store.

Kiwi Crates make great gifts for birthdays and holidays.

  • KiwiCo’s monthly subscription crates come filled with age appropriate STEAM projects for kids, from toddlers to teenagers, and even adults! STEAM stands for science, technology, engineering, art, and math. Every crate explores a different theme designed to spark creativity, thinking, and learning.
  • All projects, inspiration, and activities are created by a team of product designers in-house in Mountain View, CA, and rigorously tested by kids.
  • KiwiCo offers eight different product lines spanning a variety of interests and age ranges – for kids from age 0-104 (kids at heart!).

Which Kiwi Crate is right for you?

  • Panda Crate (ages 0-24 Months) Developed in partnership with Seattle Children’s Hospital, each crate helps babies learn by doing what they do best — playing, exploring, and most importantly, interacting with the adults in their lives. Crates arrive every other month and are filled with two-months’ worth of content!
  • Koala Crate (ages 2-4) delivers fun hands-on activities to engage the natural curiosity and creativity of preschoolers in play-based learning.
  • Kiwi Crate (ages 5-8) delivers young innovators all the materials and inspiration needed for fun hands-on projects that explore art, science, and engineering.
  • Atlas Crate (ages 6-11) sparks kids’ sense of adventure and curiosity, inspiring them to see themselves as citizens of the world.
  • Tinker Crate (ages 9-16+) allows young innovators to discover and learn about science, engineering, technology, and math through hands-on activities.
  • Doodle Crate (ages 9-16+) invites young designers to build creative confidence by experimenting with art & design techniques in monthly hands-on projects.
  • Eureka Crate (ages 14+) teaches kids (and kids at heart!) how to apply principles of science and math to engineer solutions and make awesome things they’ll love using every day.
  • Maker Crate (ages 14+) Whether you’re 14 or 104, a first-time crafter or an experienced maker, we’ve designed each crate to include a chance to experiment with a new technique, draw inspiration from real designs, and take pride in a finished project that’s both fun and functional.

Prices start at $19.95 per monthly box (which is discounted to as much as $16.95, when you prepay for a year) and go up to $29.95 (or as low as $24.95 with a full-year term). 

You can earn points and 11% cash back with Honey and Rakuten!

Give the gift of wonder and discovery.

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Social Dilemma

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If you haven’t watched Social Dilemma yet, I do suggest you take the time.

We had some issues with online use with our eldest when she was a tween, so we took more precautions with our younger three kids.

I don’t limit screentime for my kids. It’s too much work for me to police them and creates too much conflict. I want them to learn their own boundaries and limits and time management.

These days, with many kids using computers and smart devices to attend online classes or complete school work, it’s really hard to know where to draw the line between healthy online use and what might be too much. It’s just unfamiliar territory. I do feel there is something lost in translation.

Meetings and talks aren’t as dynamic as when done in person, with audience energy. We are losing our humanity to machines.

My kids are amused and horrified that I didn’t have Internet until I was about 18. Cell phones were bulky and in a big bag when my parents first bought one – for emergencies only. I didn’t own a smartphone until 2005 and that’s when I first got Facebook.

Being Gen X, I can remember not having this little pocket computer that is both a bane and a blessing. The biggest difference I see since I watched tons of TV as a kid is that now it’s all interactive and not safe even if it’s a private group or all the right parental controls are in place.

I have literally watched the explosive growth of the Internet, apps, smart devices…

I recognized early on all the ways that it could be abused and used for evil. While I love the ways it can be used for connection and good, I am wary and careful.

I know what it is to live without it and I know what addiction looks like and how to put it down and walk away.

I know I don’t use social media or my smartphone like many people do, and certainly not like most teens use them lately.

Little do they know that I have multiple devices: an iPad mini, Pixel smartphone, and a desktop computer.

I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I often long for the times before constant instant connection. I hate how we’re just expected to buy the newest and latest smartphone, tablet, computer and the corporations make them to break down quickly and unable to update.

I don’t like all the health tracking apps and smart home devices. I don’t want my information known and stored for whoall to listen, see, and know. How do I know the app or website is keeping me and my info safe? Who has access?

I have recently removed almost all photos of my kids. I posted lots over the years about our travels and homeschooling and daily life. I posted photos and details of my kids without their permission when they were too little to understand. I am updating the blog to remove details and photos. I am concerned about their privacy and consent. Their images and stories are not mine to share.

Yes, I’ve used screens as babysitters at home, in stores and restaurants, at airports and while traveling. It’s hard not to when they’re portable and convenient and seem relatively harmless.

I love how my one daughter uses apps on her tablet to create amazing art. Another daughter follows everything space explorers do worldwide on social media and NASA TV.

My kids and husband and I all send each other memes and I try to keep up with all the latest humor. I especially love the “Not a cell phone in sight. Just people living in the moment…”

I love that we were able to keep in touch so well when my husband was deployed. Technology even has come a long way in just a few years, compared to our first deployment when Skype was all we had and it was sporadic.

My personal boundaries with social media:

  • I don’t feel the need to share everything.
  • I only have about 35 friends on Facebook. I only keep family and close friends. Others can like my Page. I follow only pages and people I want to see.
  • Put down the Twitter when news gets too overwhelming.
  • I loathe Instagram and Pinterest since influencers took over and just use them for ads and sponsored posts.
  • I’m careful what I post of myself and family members online. Only with permission. No location. No info they don’t want or we aren’t comfortable sharing.
  • Regular screen breaks.
  • Apps don’t have to connect to social media.
  • I don’t have to use social media to login third party to apps.
  • I limit how I can be tracked online.
  • I turn off ads as often as I can.

My Concerns

Doomscrolling and schadensurfing eat up lots of time and erode our mental health. We need to find better and healthier ways to use our time.

And we have sadfishing where kids, teens, and adults “fish for” or seek interaction online by posting sad memes and statuses, hoping for likes and comments. But how do we know if and when these posts are real cries for help – depression, anxiety, suicidal?

Does my child have a Finsta or other fake accounts on various social media platforms to hide their identity or post images and statuses that I don’t know about or that they don’t want me to see? It’s important that my kids can be honest with me and feel comfortable talking to me about everything.

Of course I’m worried about online bullies, predators, porn, and ads marketing to children. I constantly discuss concerns with my kids and I keep up to date on the latest trends to protect our family. A disturbing trend is suicide on TikTok. Deepfakes are getting more clever and they’re not often funny. These apps aren’t going to protect anyone and it’s my job to be very aware what’s on them. Luckily, my middle kids only follow certain topics so they haven’t seen anything questionable. yet.

The social media companies spy and track users. They target us with ads that look more and more suspicious, like regular posts from friends, family, acquaintances. They store our information they collect in order to sell us more, more, more. We joke that they can hear us and get inside our heads and that may be partially true based on our clicks and what we like, watch, and share. The marketing gurus are getting paid to make these companies the most money and they don’t care who they exploit to do that.

Having multiple screens limits attention spans. We still don’t know that much about long term screen use and how it adversely affects brain development. I can certainly see the effects when the kids or my husband or I have been staring at screens too long. We get irritable, headachey, experience eye strain, and feel tired. If we’re watching TV or playing a video game, there is no reason to have a smartphone or tablet on too except occasionally for research purposes. I try to model and teach my kids to be all there and present instead of distracted.

It’s ironic that I met my husband online, fifteen years ago on Match. Also, the hot tubs and meetups in the early days of the Internet were far more dangerous then than they seem now with all the safety nets in the current dating apps. My eldest daughter has met some lovely friends online and being able to video chat and share screens is just innovative. We still discuss safety precautions and meeting in public crowded places, being aware or surroundings and letting me know where she is and who she is meeting.

It’s important to maintain face to face relationships, share hobbies, get outside, do activities together that don’t involve screens. We’re losing touch with who we are and our kids don’t know any better if that’s all they see their parents, peers, and others do.

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.

 Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace
The Nap Ministry

Tips for Healthier Social Media Use:

  1. Turn off notifications.
  2. Remove from device any apps that are problematic.
  3. Remove apps from the homescreen.
  4. Set time limits for screen time or certain apps in settings.
  5. No devices at the dinner table or meal times.
  6. Turn off devices and place in charging station one hour before bedtime.
  7. No devices in bedrooms.
  8. Use browser extensions to block social networking sites.
  9. Observe a digital sabbath each day, week, or month.
  10. Only follow people, pages, accounts that add value to your life.
  11. One screen at a time.
  12. Take frequent screen breaks.

Screens are a vital part of our lives, connecting us and granting instant information. While I love being able to research something at any moment, we need balance and moderation in our lives too. I try to model and teach my kids to connect face to face instead of just through screens.

It’s up to me as a parent to navigate this brave new world and keep up so I can teach my kids best practices to protect them from questionable apps, spying social media, inappropriate websites, and mean people online.

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Linking up: Home Stories, April Harris, Create with Joy, LouLou Girls, Random Musings, Welcome Heart, Marilyn’s Treats, Anchored Abode, Suburbia, InstaEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, Little Cottage, Mostly Blogging, Grandma’s Ideas, Anita Ojeda, Soaring with Him, Fluster Buster, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Our Three Peas, Homestead, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Simply Sweet Home, OMHG, Embracing Unexpected, Fireman’s Wife, Everyday Farmhouse, CKK, CWJ, Being a Wordsmith, Kippi at Home,

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Ten

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My three girls are all teens now. My son just turned ten and I will tell you, it’s a different world having all my kids in two digits.

Young kids are so different from bigger kids. It’s fascinating to see their minds begin to develop into abstract when before it was all so concrete and literal, but they loved fantasy and fairy tales.

It’s a lot less physical work in parenting big kids and teens, but it’s way more emotional and psychological work now.

I wish I had been more aware during my kids’ formative years. It’s hard in the trenches to see the big picture and realize the affect our words and actions might have on our children’s psychological development. I was healing myself as I was trying to be a wife and parent to four young kids. I’m still healing and working on being a better parent and person.

While it is always a journey, I feel better equipped as a parent the last few years and I can differences in my youngest and my eldest in their mental health. I pray she forgives me and heals as we grow together.

Looking back, having young kids is like living in survival mode. There is little time to be metacognitive – to sit back, to relax, and enjoy it. There are certainly some moments. There are just glimpses. There are tears of joy and of frustration. There are grave moments of regret and apologies to self, God, and the child. There is often blame when I felt like I did it all with little or no help.

I can laugh about my son not sleeping well for his first three years now. I can apologize to my eldest for relying on her as a parent helper too much now. I can continue to revise our priorities and values more towards simplicity now. I can regret our delving into Christian fundamentalism now and make amends in our family spiritual education and healing.

We’re all healthier and calmer because I work hard to make sure our home is a haven. I constantly revise our priorities. I like simplicity.

During the first seven years, children work mainly out of imitation, while from ages 7-14, children work out of authority. This is why attachment is so important to develop a trusting relationship with kids.

This is also why many families experience difficulties with teens not listening. They didn’t feel attached or safe or listened to as young children, so they won’t just magically begin when they’re older. They develop their own thoughts, values, opinions, preferences. Many parents feel threatened and triggered by kids who express themselves, question authority, and other natural developmental growth.

Around age 9, kids undergo a change or crisis when they begin thinking abstractly. They’re continuing their development from young child to older child. They’re reaching the age of reason. They’re learning to trust themselves. They’re developing an opinion and preferences. Fairy tales are no longer as magical, but they may be rediscovered soon enough. It’s important for me to stay optimistic and positive thinking so my kids don’t get burdened, overly anxious, depressed, or upset.

It’s not time to worry yet.

Changes I See

My kids started becoming much more independent around age 10.

They develop opinions about everything. Clothes, food, room arrangements. They sometimes want a whole new decor theme. I am happy to help and guide their choices. They usually have freedom to do what they want to their bodies and their space. Being a military family, we always rented our homes, but now we own our first home, and it’s so much fun!

They complete their homeschool work much more independently. I’m seeing the transition from the grammar phase to dialectic phase in our homeschool curriculum around this age and it’s so exciting! Sometimes, they ask what else they can do or how they can help.

They desire more privacy and alone time, which can be difficult in a household of six people. We do our best.

They can cook simple meals for themselves and the family. I love waking up to treats! I love having cake almost every week!

They’re making more abstract connections and asking really good questions about complex concepts. It challenges me and my thinking and often I don’t have a good enough answer. It can be frustrating, scary, and exhilarating all at once.

I try to be respectful of my growing kids with their development, but occasionally I forget what I felt like at their age or I don’t understand what they’re thinking or feeling.

I ask a lot of questions. I watch the Tik Tok videos and Instagram memes my girls send me. We talk, discuss, and learn and relearn each other. It’s a process, a journey. I am privileged and blessed to travel this life with my children.

The Waldorf curriculum is so incredible because it is so responsive to student development. I believe all children should have access to an education that respects their development and inspires their soul. I wish I had discovered it many years ago when we began homeschooling. I try to incorporate aspects of it in our learning rhythms.

The time has come when I scan the baseball field and can’t recognize my own son among the boys. He has grown and changed so much so fast that I have to squint and look a few times before I’m sure.

He still snuggles up at bedtime for a story.

I love that he still holds my hand on our evening walks.

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Linking up: Random Musings, Create with Joy, Eclectic Barn, Marilyn’s Treats, April Harris, Anita Ojeda, Little Cottage, Mostly Blogging, Home Stories, LouLou Girls, InstaEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Our Three Peas, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Welcome Heart, Anchored Abode, Grandma’s Ideas, Soaring with Him, Ridge Haven Homestead, Chic on Shoestring, Answer is Choco, Being a Wordsmith, Simply Sweet Home, Little Everything, Penny’s Passion, Katherine’s Corner, Embracing Unexpected, Debbie Kitterman, Pieced Pastimes, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Slices of Life, CKK, Imparting Grace, OMHG, Grammy’s Grid, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Everyday Farmhouse, Suburbia,

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Thirteen

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All three of my girls are now over twelve years old.

I feel poignant about this. I should feel happy to get over that hump, I guess.

My girls are getting much more independent, doing their own things. I encourage them to own themselves, speaking up, and managing their own appointments, activities, time.

Watching them walk away with my heart is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. Keeping a smile on my face so they don’t see my anxiety is about to kill me.

My daughters are 19, 14, and 13.

My son is just now ten, but it seems different.

Having teen girls isn’t all the bad that society and the media portray it to be.

Parenting teens doesn’t have to break us.

I really love seeing my girls grow and mature. It’s fascinating to see their minds change as their bodies also develop. Two of my daughters are bigger than I am and they almost cradle me now as I once cradled their small childish forms. But they can also hip check me in a moment so I love how gracious and sweet they are.

I remember how awkward I was at age thirteen, lanky and uncomfortable in my skin, unsure of my thoughts, struggling to fit in with kids at school, wondering who I should be and what values I should have.

I love how much more capable and confident my daughters are than I was at their age.

When my kids were very little, they were highly active and energetic. My girls went through the typical awkward stage when the were like young colts learning how to canter gracefully. Gymnastics and sports help with getting through these awkward times. They’re pretty aware of their bodies and the space they take up and I encourage my girls to expand themselves instead of shrinking as our society and the church culture seem to require. I want them to regain their confidence they seemed to have misplaced the last few years.

I read a lot of child development, cognitive psychology, and education material. I’m not an expert, but I am fascinated in learning about these topics and how I can best teach and parent my four kids.

I often use the analogy with my family that adolescent brains change from a child caterpillar brain to confused mush like a chrysalis, then to the more mature butterfly young adult brain by the time they’re 25.

Changes I’m Noticing in my Teens

Attention spans

It’s great that I can hold my girls’ attention for longer than ten minutes. I can give multi-step instructions and usually expect them to be followed and completed. Their memories are getting better. I see them focus on activities for longer periods of time, often completing projects before getting distracted or moving on to something else. I love they have the ability to train their minds by staying at home. We work, work, work, on brain health and executive function so they can do their best.

Making connections

We’re in our last 4-year cycle of history in our homeschool, beginning the rhetoric phase. Witnessing the connections and abstract thinking in my girls just brings me the greatest joy as a mother and teacher. They can think critically younger and better than I could when I was in college! I love their hard questions that we research and work through together.

Awareness of current events

I enjoy having the hard conversations with my kids and hearing what they think of what’s happening in our city, state, country, and the world. I have to be careful not to overwhelm my younger kids with the horrors of our world and continue to focus on hope and love and reconciliation. They’re starting to ask what they can do to help make our world a better place. We recycle, compost, reduce, reuse. We try with our baby steps to ease our consciences any way we can. Every little bit counts.

Expansion of strengths

After years of exposing and strewing and providing so many opportunities and experiences for my kids, they’re starting to narrow down what they’re interested in, focusing more on what they love, looking at ways to turn their passions into careers. I love seeing them grow and teach themselves. We start out generalizing their education and seeing them begin to specialize is so fun.

Ability to take criticism

My kids are so much healthier than I ever was (and still am) about constructive criticism. I try to scaffold and prime my kids when I think a situation or experience might be difficult or stressful or just very new. I want them to be aware of what to expect. I can’t always predict what might happen or what people might say or do. I can’t always be there to protect my kids. They’re growing more and more independent. Other adults and kids often aren’t as kind with their words or actions. We discuss the situation afterwards.

Maturity

I love seeing the potential in my kids. I’m getting glimpses of the adults they will soon be. They use nonviolent language (mostly) and solve problems (usually well and without my input) together. We seldom have negative or immature conflicts in our household. They have more emotional intelligence than I ever did. I’m learning so much from my kids about how to be healthy in all relationships.

Around age 12, kids undergo a big change, a crisis, in their development. They are reaching puberty and hormones make physical and mental changes in their bodies. It’s a difficult age and many kids struggle to make this change and reach the other side unscathed. Two of my girls suffer depression and anxiety. I know I sure had trouble for several years from 12-15. There seems little I can do to help my girls overcome or avoid the inner struggle. Perhaps it’s genetic or just their personalities.

Of course, tweens and teens are weebly wobbly and sometimes it seems like one step forward and three steps back.

I love being with my kids all day, every day and learning academics with them and assisting them to explore their interests. I am privileged and blessed to travel this life with my children.

During the first seven years, children work mainly out of imitation, while from ages 7-14, children work out of authority. This is why attachment is so important to develop a trusting relationship with kids.

This is also why many families experience difficulties with teens not listening. They didn’t feel attached or safe or listened to as young children, so they won’t just magically begin when they’re older. They develop their own thoughts, values, opinions, preferences. Many parents feel threatened and triggered by kids who express themselves, question authority, and other natural developmental growth.

I’m seeing my girls begin to try on new personalities and personas like actresses. They’re trying to discover who they are and who they’d like to be, what they’d like to look like. They change their hair and clothes very frequently. I try to keep up. I try to be patient and welcoming. Sometimes, it’s frustrating and since I’m pretty constant and decrepit in my boring 40s, there are bound to be clashes when I don’t realize they’ve already moved on to something new.

The Waldorf curriculum is so incredible because it is so responsive to student development. I believe all children should have access to an education that respects their development and inspires their soul. I wish I had discovered it many years ago when we began homeschooling. I try to incorporate aspects of it in our learning rhythms.

Looking back at my children when they were babies, toddlers, preschoolers, learning to read and ride bikes, it’s easy to see the milestones they reached and achieved.

My girls look like women now and I have to look twice sometimes and my heart hitches as I remember their goofiness when they were small.

Now, my teens are looking more to the future and completing high school, making friends, planning for jobs and college and careers.

I love watching them learn how to fly.

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Linking up: Uncommon Suburbia, Random Musings, Welcome Heart, Anita Ojeda, Marilyn’s Treats, Little Cottage, Mostly Blogging, Kippi at Home, Create with Joy, Mary Geisen, InstaEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, LouLou Girls, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Life Abundant, Ridge Haven Homestead, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Ducks in a Row, OMHG, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, Creative K Kids, Imparting Grace, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Embracing Unexpected, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Everyday Farmhouse, Being a Wordsmith, April Harris,

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