Selfish or Self Care

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October 6, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

We’re constantly bombarded with mixed messages that we shouldn’t be selfish yet we should take care of ourselves.

Where is the balance?

Most of us has heard the flight attendant clarify that parents of young children should put on their oxygen mask first before helping their kids with theirs.

It makes sense. If you pass out from lack of oxygen, you’re no help to anyone.

Now, I’m all over the getting a mani pedi like most moms would be, I’m sure. (I haven’t had one since April btw.) I also haven’t gotten my hair done since March. So there.

I know some moms who go every week to the salon for their nails and religiously every six weeks for their hair. I’m so glad they can find the time and money to do that. It takes over an hour for nails and almost three hours to get my hair done. And it’s super expensive.

I don’t think that’s necessarily self-care. I think it’s selfish – especially if their kids are in so many activities outside of the house that they don’t even have time to make a mess at home. Some of these moms are traipsing about town getting all beautified to impress other moms?

Most moms I know struggle to eat well, exercise regularly, stay healthy and fit.

And enter than mommy guilt that we know we’re failing ourselves and possible our families, if we get sick or develop a chronic illness that affects our later lives. We know what happens if mama gets sick. We press on.

How do we find the time for self-care when we constantly have little ones vying for our time and attention?

Quit making excuses. [I’m totally telling myself, y’all.] It is doable.

Exercise at least 30 minutes per day.

Everybody. Do it together as a family. Family Time Fitness and Fit2Be are two great options we love. Run around the block. Go to a park and play. Go hiking and call it nature study. Get outside in the sunshine and air with your kids!

Alone. Work out a time when your husband can watch the kids. Go to the gym. Go on a power walk. Some malls even have walking groups after hours – window shop and exercise! Some gyms even offer mommy rooms or kids clubs.

Tag-team. Swap with a friend who can watch your kids for you to exercise and you can watch hers later. Or start a neighborhood or homeschool fitness group and find a cheap babysitter for everyone’s kids.

Eat whole foods.

If God made it, eat it. Steer clear of packaged products. Try a plan like eMealsto help with fun new recipes. We limit our grain and dairy intake and eat lots of organic fruits and vegetables and farm-fresh eggs and meat.

It’s soooo much easier to do this in Europe and I dread going back to the States where it was so expensive and difficult for us to find trustworthy sources for food. You’ll feel better and have more energy.

Start a nature’s health cabinet.

Essential oils, herbs, supplements, tinctures, tonics.

When you start with food and prevention methods, you won’t need all that medicine so much. Your skin will glow with mineral supplements and natural skin care and makeup.

Follow my Pinterest boards on Natural Beauty and Natural Living.

Make yourself a priority, but don’t go overboard to point of selfishness.

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Wife Guilt

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October 3, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 3 Comments

Ah, we’re hitting all the nerves in this series. Don’t we all feel guilty some of the time, over stupid stuff?

As wives, no matter if we’ve been married ten or twenty years or just a few months, we experience guilt that we’re not measuring up to some unknown, intangible prototype.

No? Then, it must just be me and my low self-esteem. I didn’t get trophies or certificates during my childhood unless I earned them. I seldom received any.

Thanks to Disney and other romantic comedies, we are bombarded with images and situations that teach us from very early on that we’re fairy princesses and should be constantly pedestal-ized.

Woe to the normal, sinful, human man who fails to get that memo.

They all have happy endings. Except those ridiculous movies where one half of the couple has a chronic incurable disease and the other half is brave and despite all odds stands beside the lover until the very end. I just don’t have time for that kind of negativity in my life. And there are no sequel possibilities to those.

Our married lives were once all about being deliriously happy and fairy-tale-like.

In the beginning, the potatoes burned because y’all forgot about the time and were too distracted by each other to remember that dinner was a-cooking. It was a good laugh while he scoured the pot and you made rice instead. There were no crying little faces who had to wait twenty more minutes, starving like they hadn’t eaten in four hours.

Eventually, motherhood and other distractions replace the idol that was The Marriage.

We often begin to feel we’re being mistreated. [Read: when he comes home late for a any reason, when he doesn’t buy you that gift you so hinted at for your birthday, when he doesn’t read that story just right to your son, etc.]

You know the times. Those moments when you’re snappish, and you instantly regret it, but you’d never admit it and apologize and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

The disappointment. Hurt people hurt others. The silent treatment, the cold shoulder. The pouting.

We become selfish and demanding and like to place blame anywhere, on anyone. Not ourselves. Nope. Forgotten are the days when we anxiously waited for The Return of the Husband after a workday simply because we were so much in love and enjoyed his company. Now, we are exasperated and crave escape as soon as he walks in the door.

Sound familiar?

Then we feel guilty. It’s an ugly cycle.

And I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna talk about it. I want to be alone and wallow in my misery. I don’t wanna admit I did anything wrong. I don’t wanna make up. I don’t wanna.

Do you hear the devil’s mantra?

It’s take a stronger, more mature Christian to do those things we ought.

Didn’t we learn anything from Cinderella, Snow White, Belle?

And why won’t those blasted forest animals and/or personified furniture clean the house?!

So, those princesses are rather an example to us wives. They were seldom discouraged. They were often cheerful despite adversity. They were resourceful and strong. They didn’t pout and wallow in self-pity. Not much.

Sure, I know those princesses didn’t have five children under eight wrapped around their knees, clamoring to be held at just that moment when the potatoes decide to drink up all that boiling water and glue themselves to the bottom of the pot. Their husbands didn’t often deploy to scary desert places with weapons of mass destruction. The fairy tale stories never showed the waspish in-laws with their confusing demands. They didn’t have to move house six times in ten years.

Every wife has different demands from her husband and family – and we all have hangups and issues.

Most of the problems are expectations. And those expectations are based on how we viewed our parents’ marriage, others we were influenced by, and past relationships.

It’s important that we pray through those and mature instead of acting like spoiled toddlers [again, preaching to myself here].

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

With Jesus as the heads of our homes, we can work with our husbands as a team.

And stop burning potatoes.

Start working toward your Happily Ever After.

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Mommy Guilt

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October 2, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

I could write a series on mommy guilt alone.

Day 2 (and I probably won’t really have time to post on weekends, just so you know):

We get pulled in so many different directions as a mother.

Comforting a child in the middle of the night, changing diapers, helping with dental hygiene, planning and preparing meals, cleaning up spills, braiding hair, finding that missing soccer shin guard (why can’t she wear the pink ones today?), driving to gymnastics on a Friday evening, listening oh, so intently to the telling of nonsensical stories about the teens’ antics at youth group, monitoring online activity, limiting screen time, keeping up with seasonal clothing that fits four children and doesn’t make them look (or feel) weird.

And the devil just loves to pile on the guilt to make us doubt everything.

It’s exhausting enough doing all the mothering things without those twinges of guilt.

And then there are the moms at the library storytime, play group, homeschool co-op, church, or wherever-it-is-that-you-socialize-with-other-mothers.

It’s hard not comparing.

yeah, yeah, yeah, I know comparison is the thief of joy.

How do we eliminate guilty feelings?

No, not going out at all isn’t really a viable option, though I have seasons when I just want to stay home more.

Dying to self kinda sucks and our flesh will buck and kick like a bronco. That means you’re doing it right. Expect resistance.

1. Stay in The Word. Read and study the Bible – alone, with your husband, with your kids, with other moms.

2. Pray. Unceasingly. Especially around and with your kids. Teach them an attitude and lifestyle of prayer.

3. Be proactive. What are your goals as a mother? What do you want your relationship with your adult children to be like? Plan for that. Start now. Even if your eldest child is a few months old.

4. Find a mentor. This is harder than it should be. Lots of women talk the Titus 2 talk, but few walk the walk. Seek out a woman from church or in your community whom you admire and befriend her. Invite her over for coffee/tea/kombucha or out to lunch or for a snack at an affordable café. You don’t have to send an engraved and embossed invitation to her requesting the honor of her mentorship (though I would be your Jane Austen-ish bestie if you did that!). Just start out as friends. Most of us want to be a friend. My mentors are more or less my peers, some with kids older than mine and most with kids younger than mine. I still learn lots from them!

5. Turn off the TV. Or the Internet. Or your smart phone. Or even that relationship with that worldly neighbor. Whatever it is that distracts and encourages comparison. If you’re overwhelmed by your family (or yourself) constantly exclaiming, “I want that [insert worthless item here that will be discarded next week]!” or “She has the hottest-newest-sparkly-overpriced-thingamajig!” then it’s time to remove the temptation. It’s amazing how much more we accomplish and how improved everyone’s attitudes are since we rarely see commercials or adverts.

And all this will help alleviate mommy guilt. Mostly.

Except when you have to explain to your kids or the neighbor or the in-law why you choose to live differently and make different choices. That’s a whole ‘nother story.

It’s for your sanity, Mama.

Resources:

Motherwhelmed by Beth Berry
Jesus, the Gentle Parent by LR Knost
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life by Harriet Lerner
The Highly Sensitive Parent: Be Brilliant in Your Role, Even When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D
I’m So Effing Tired: A Proven Plan to Beat Burnout, Boost Your Energy, and Reclaim Your Life by Dr. Amy Shah, MD
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World by Adam Grant
Good-Enough Mother: The Perfectly Imperfect Book of Parenting by René Syler and Karen Moline
The Mom Gap by Karen Gurney

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31 Days of Dying to Self

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October 1, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 4 Comments

It’s been difficult last few months.

With many blessings come many challenges.

The devil is a wily fellow.

The devil will take something wonderful and wrap it up so you don’t even realize that it’s not good for you anymore.

I’ve made some hard decisions. I’ve really slowed down my blogging and social media participation. I’ve quit my side writing jobs.

Anything that takes away from my family or causes me stress had to go.

The money isn’t worth it. The recognition isn’t worth it. The referrals and page views aren’t worth it.

My family needs me. Teens are needier than toddlers.

The monotony of parenting babies and toddlers allowed me to mistakenly feel I could leave them to pursue my own interests. I spent too much time away one year, leaving my babes in the care of nannies, only to be nudged not so gently back home where I belonged. What I missed and what damage it may have caused haunts me.

And just when I started feeling proud of myself for being home and more balanced, I am nudged yet again to re-evaluate my priorities and purge any activities not benefiting us.

If I can get up at 0300 to go to London but I struggle to get up by 0700 for my kids, something is very wrong with my priorities.

31 days of dying to self…

Day 1: Intro

Day 2: Mommy Guilt

Day 3: Wife Guilt

Days 4-5: weekend

Day 6: Self Care

Day 7: Humility

Day 8: Resentment

Day 9: Parenting

Day 10: Submission

Days 11-12: weekend

Day 13: Homeschool Guilt

Day 14: Blogging

Day 15: Leftovers

Day 16: Prayer

Day 17: Crafts

Days 18-19: weekend

Day 20: Talking

Day 21: Church

Day 22: Love Distortion

Day 23: Peace

Day 24: Past

Days 25-26: weekend

Day 27: No More Shaming

Day 28: Just the Right Size

Day 29: Outsider

Day 30: Because I Said So

Day 31: Broken

Check out my 31 Days of Servant Leadership from last year.

Join all the 31 Dayers.

Linking up: Raising Sticky Hands to Heaven

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Learning to Be Content

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September 8, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 3 Comments

I prayed to move to Germany, y’all. I prayed so hard.

I knew my family needed a break from the American rat race.

We needed to reset.

Living in Utah seemed to magnify my less-than, like I was living in the spotlight of never-enough.

I’ve kinda always felt that way, but it seemed even worse the last few years.

I needed to fill that hole in my heart with stuff, trying to compete with my kids as a showcase against all those little wannabe Gap model kids.

I failed miserably.

We often showed up to library storytime, barely out of pajamas, with unkempt hair, questionable teeth hygiene, and mismatched socks.

Bombarded with emails, social media posts, and blogs about what I needed: should have, coupons, sales, giveaways, deals, affiliate programs.

I was tired.

I wanted off the ride.

It has been liberating deleting emails and removing myself from lists that are no longer relevant to our living in Europe.

We don’t have Target and I’m so happy about that. (Did I just hear a collective gasp?!)

There is a limited selection here at most stores and fewer stores to shop anyway. And we have no storage or room for all those extra things we don’t even need.

It’s too stressful and expensive and takes forever to eat out with six family members and I am more than happy to plan and stay home for meals.

Because, I am not strong enough to set rules and keep to them. I am not strong enough to budget and plan and say no. I am not strong enough to make better choices not based on the media or the blog posts telling me what my family should have.

I’ve never felt like I fit in. Homeschool groups and co-ops just don’t make me happy. I hope the problem is really me and not them. But it’s not worth my time and effort to try to counsel myself and find out.

I’m more confident here with my family that I don’t need affirmation from other homeschoolers here.

It’s a blank slate. I can rewrite our priorities and goals.

We can work towards something meaningful together.

We have few distractions. We don’t need stuff. We can travel and make wonderful memories, visiting all this history at our back door.

We are learning to be content.

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Light in the Darkness

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August 13, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

So, the sun shined through my blinds this morning as I dragged myself from bed, groggy and irritable after a rough night of bad dreams and cats romping and discomfort.

I barked at the kids that they should’ve eaten cereal instead of waiting to demand of me a hot breakfast. They were more than capable. I threw back three cups of coffee.

That whole choice of joy? I made it this day. I didn’t feel it. I chose it.

I didn’t want to waste the sunshine. I was about to give into to Seasonal Affective Disorder with all the rain we’d had lately.

I got dressed and told the kids to get ready for a hike.

Liz went to the Backerei and got some rolls and salami. We set out for the woods at the edge of our village and the creek I had discovered a couple weeks ago. The rain all week left the trail muddy and the grass quite damp. The woods smelled of earth and leafy detritus.

Just when the kids started getting hot and bored and asking when we would get there, we heard the trickle of water and saw the creek. I encouraged them to walk on to the clearing I had found and then we could explore and have a picnic.

The light reached in fingers between the branches of the trees, tickling our eyes and chasing the breeze.

Alex was nervous. He doesn’t like the woods. He didn’t want me out of his sight. He clung to my hand, anxious not to leave my side.

Our shoes were wet with dew. I lay our picnic blanket on a bed of pine needles and moss and the sound of rippling water and birdsong filled my ears.

We explored some fallen trees with roots long eaten away. We threw pinecones into mossy puddles to make a splash. We stabbed sticks into black oozy mud and pulled them out to hear the squirshy sound. We stood in the creek and watched the mud swirl around our toes.

We discovered mushrooms and a multitude of moss. We were ecstatic to see trees oozing sap, still warm and soft and sticky, smelling sweet and ethereal, almost good enough to eat.

At the last minute before we left the house, I grabbed Glow in the Dark Fish, a Creation Bible study. As the kids munched on salami, grapes, and animal crackers, and sipped Capri Sonnes (the German version is so goooood), I read our lesson.

I love how God speaks to me in themes! Today’s Bible lesson was about light. It discussed bioluminescence in sea creatures and related that to shining our lights for Jesus and God being Light.

After we got home and completed our other lessons, I read from our science book and the chapter was about light.

The text asked a question about when God spoke: “Let there be light.” That was the first day. He didn’t create the sun until day four. (Genesis 1) How was there light and how did plants survive without the sun?

Kate exclaimed, “God Himself is Light!”

Amen.

We also explored the linguistics of Sol for the Sun and Jesus as the Son…and the sol/soul homonym. I love these spiritual conversations!

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Being Jesus to Others

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July 17, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

We went on a couple field trips this week: to the Karlsruhe Zoo and the Barefoot Park. The kids were thrilled.

We rode the train down to the zoo. We had to change trains at Neustadt. I think all that was the highlight of the trip for the kids.

So, I must say that Germans are super friendly and helpful. It’s so refreshing after living in several states where people would stare, and walk by, maybe glancing back in disgust, thinking what an awful mother I must be, kinda like the story of the Good Samaritan.

Did you know that’s a law here?

But, even before they see a mom struggling, the Germans offer to help – by lifting a stroller up a flight of stairs or onto the train, offering some candy as a distraction during a meltdown (better than casting angry glares or walking away in a huff).

The stranger who had balloons in his backpack. Seriously. Prepared, a little? He had those skinny, twisty balloons and he blew some up for my son and his friend to use as inner tubes in the water. And then he carried my son on his shoulders across the river rapids at the Barefoot Park.

It teared me up. He was so kind.

And the kids here? I am so impressed with the respect they have for everyone. I watched my friend’s toddler take off for the slide area at a playground (why do they always do that?!) and the boys who were sliding skidded to a stop and made sure he was safe. I have seen kids in the States kick kids in the face at the bottom of the slide and laugh at the crying. More than once, mothers of nasty children told me, with their eyebrows and shoulders shrugged, “Boys will be boys.” And I had all girls at the time.

That’s not an excuse.

People are just kind here. They care for others. I am so grateful. I point it out to my children that this is appropriate behavior. These people are blessings to others. This smile, wave, or simple helpfulness is being Jesus to others.

It doesn’t matter that there’s often a language barrier. I speak some German. I did learn lots in college, but that was many years ago. I try to speak it whenever I have the opportunity, even if I mispronounce words, or forget the proper conjugation or agreement. People are gracious. And my greatest pride is when I can have a successful conversation in German without a glance.

I love it here.

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Learning to Worship

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July 14, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

I don’t like church.

I didn’t grow up in church.

Some people have expressed to me that they didn’t know I didn’t grow up in church. Does that point to my complacency like many other born-into-church Christians I know? If so, I want to stand out differently.

Most churches make me uncomfortable and I don’t understand all the Christianese and acceptable appearance and behavior. Lots of churches say they accept sinners of all sorts but they really don’t. They stare at the newcomers who don’t have on the suit and tie or a dress that covers well.

I have friends from all sorts of religious backgrounds: Orthodox Jewish, Messianic, Catholic, Pentecostal, Baptist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, LDS, Islam, and all over the spectrum.

Each denomination has its prescribed recommendations of what is acceptable for its members.

Liz has attended so many different kinds of churches, she doesn’t know which doctrine to subscribe to. I have dragged her to numerous churches: non-denominational, Church of God, Assembly of God, Lutheran, fundamental independent Baptist, Presbyterian. I even attended a Church of Christ once, but it was confusing to me that it traveled to a new venue each week. Too stressful to have to remember where to go.

I attended a church for years that had brochures in the lobby that listed Scripture to define appropriate clothing choices for Christians. I was anxious and stressed every time I stepped foot in that place. Were my shirt sleeves covering my shoulders completely? Was my skirt hem well below my knees even when I sat down? And were Liz and my toddler girls dressed that “right” way too? It was exhausting.

Church shouldn’t cause unnecessary anxiety and stress. We should feel convicted from the Holy Spirit, not other Christians.

I just want to love Jesus and my neighbor. I don’t particularly want to throw my hands in the air like I just don’t care or holler unintelligible phrases in front of people. I don’t want to fall asleep from a worship order that never changes or leaves room for the Spirit either. I just want to sing pretty music and pray and see people who smile with their eyes and their lips.

I don’t just want an emotional experience or entertainment each week. I want solid Biblical teaching without bigotry or prejudice. I’ve been to churches that didn’t accept brown people or men with long hair or jewelry.

One fundamentalist mom I knew years ago almost strangled her young son yanking a toy from around his neck when he called it a “necklace.” She informed me after I witnessed this horrific scene that males don’t wear jewelry and she homeschooled every other year so he wouldn’t turn gay from being home with his sister.

Jesus.

I don’t rely on a church to educate my children. It’s not a school’s job to teach my kids; it’s also not a church’s job to instill character and spiritual development. Ultimately, I am responsible to teach my kids all that and more.

Lately, I’ve noticed people commenting that they yearn for Jesus to return soon. Rather than sit on our hands, feigning helplessness, It’s a nice sentiment. Sure, the world can be ugly, but we can shine a little beauty. Why can’t we love others more? Help others more?

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Learning to Love

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July 8, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

Jesus calls us to more than just rest; He calls us to an entirely different way of living.

Are you a reed swayed by the wind? Do you just live your life to please others? to make them more comfortable? to tell them what they want to hear?

I’ve struggled with this. And it pains me when my kids ask me why people lie or tell them something and never follow through.

Idle words.

“Every one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you. There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation.” Matthew 12:36-37 The Message

It really just all comes down to Love.

Liz asked me today why all the songs and movies and books are about Love.

The truth is that humans need Love and most of modern first world society has everything we need, everything that money can buy, but we can’t buy Love, and we seek after it, pursuing it, idolizing it, craving it in all its impure and fleshly perversions.

I explained that people long for Love, but modern society has twisted it to be perverted and unhealthy and the media doesn’t portray real Love.

The teen books, shows, and music teach that everyone needs a boyfriend or girlfriend to be accepted and worthy in our society.

The Bible teaches a different Love and it’s my job as a mother to revitalize that education and make sure my kids understand the difference.

Am I modeling Love? Am I practicing hospitality? Am I lovely? Do my words portray Love? Do my actions show Love?

We’re all so worried about competition that we overlook Love. We compete for the attention and recognition of others in all we do. We even compete to appear more Christian than others.

Does my home look like something from HGTV before I can invite others over so I can love on them? Do my kids have to dress like Gap models before we can go out to witness? Does my hair and makeup look like that of the supermodel on the cover of a magazine before I can be charitable?

Why do we deny the Exodus? God tried to teach us that things don’t matter. People matter.

Why do we thwart the Gospel? Jesus teaches Love. Love before anything else.

How can I minister to others with where I am right now?

Jesus sent His apostles out with nothing. Why must we hide behind our stuff? We are of so little faith that we can’t offer Love to anyone since we don’t trust Him or accept Love ourselves.

Love your neighbor for real and the world can change.

Shake up your status quo.

Loving others isn’t supposed to be comfortable.

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Learning to Balance

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July 7, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 3 Comments

God speaks to me in themes. In the books I read, in the music I hear, in conversations with people – Christian and not.

The theme for this season is about balance and love.

I’ve been forced to slow down these last few months with no mobile phone or Internet. For a girl who was previously plugged in 24/7, when that came to a grinding halt, it was rather a shock. I developed anxiety that I was supposed to be doing something.

God whispered to me to be still.

As I overcame my anxiety and quieted my spirit, I noticed my babies more. I sang songs to them at night. We prayed together. We did art. We played and read books. We laughed and the entire mood of the household started to change over a period of a few days. I observed my family. I was intentional and present.

I can preach and teach to my children, but they are swayed more by actions than words.

Wisdom is proved right by her actions. Matthew 11:19b

God’s rhythm is different than ours.

And there was evening, and there was morning… Genesis 1

Do you plan for your day’s success the night before?

Since our rhythm has been a bit disrupted lately and we’re working to develop a new and improved routine…

Sometimes, being quiet is the best (and hardest thing) I can do.

I want God to be in control, not me. I want to be calm and content.

And I want to make time to play in the rain.

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