Jennifer Lambert

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You are here: Home / Family / Breaking the Cycle of Negativity

Breaking the Cycle of Negativity

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May 13, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 20 Comments

When I can’t offer grace to myself, I can’t offer grace to others.

I must overcome my hurts and negativity to allow my children to make their own decisions and become resilient.

I have authoritarian parents. I had no voice. I kept my opinions and emotions to myself. I was the poster child for “seen and not heard.” I was naturally quiet and observant.

I grew up in a time when I went to school and then played outside until the streetlights came on. During school breaks and summers, I played outside from sunup until sundown, grabbing lunch, snacks, and drinks at anyone’s house who would have me.

But I went through my childhood and youth in a fog.

Most of my memories are negative.

I remember punishments. I remember being snapped at, complained about, ridiculed, humiliated, smacked, switched, spanked, pushed, yelled at, and isolated in my room.

I remember being told I was worthless when my grades weren’t “good enough” because my “only job was to go to school.”

My interests in art, music, and literature were ridiculed as stupid and worthless towards a good career. I was told I should go to college for business or computers, which were not my interests at all.

I was always a disappointment.

The first few years of my marriage I had PTSD.

I lived in survival mode. I could barely cope with daily activities. Without constant reminders from my parents of how worthless and disappointing I was, I became self-destructive. My inner monologue reminded me all the time.

I couldn’t accept my husband’s affection. I couldn’t trust him (I still struggle).

It only exacerbated the situation that we moved out of state twice, I had to quit my job, began homeschooling my eldest daughter, both my husband’s parents suddenly passed away, and I gave birth to my middle two daughters during that time.

Living away from my parents forced me to confront my issues and seek healing.

It took me about 10 years to start to feel healthy.

My relationship with my parents is a rocky road.

My parents visited us in Utah, mid-May 2011, while my husband was deployed.

My son had just turned one. My middle girls were preschoolers. My eldest was the only one who even really knew my parents.

They stayed in a hotel nearby and graced us with their presence about lunchtime while disrupting our schedule and constantly telling my children to go play in the basement while they sat on the sofa to read the newspaper they brought with them.

I would sit awkwardly in a chair, not sure what to say or do. My heart broke for my children, who were confused.

I was torn between being a daughter and a mother.

It was a miserable few days until they had a tantrum and returned home early.

I received a handwritten letter in the mail a few days after that.

In the letter, my father told me what a horrible mother I was, that I should spank my terrible, ill-mannered children.

So he basically brutally criticized me for not parenting like him.

My kids are great kids. Their eating and resting schedule had been disrupted and they were confused by having virtual strangers in our house and they didn’t know what to expect. They were treated like burdens.

I still have that letter.

A few years later, we visited my parents before leaving for Germany. I figured since they’re in their 70s, I would regret not spending time with them if something happened while we were overseas.

We stayed with them for 11 stressful days.

One day, we went out to a local BBQ place for lunch. My husband ordered and paid for everything and I suggested to my mom and my kids to go find a booth to sit and wait. When we brought the food to the table, my mom literally snatched stuff and snapped at my eldest daughter to give her the food. She acted like a starving person. She acted so selfishly that my kids looked at me with wide, scared eyes, not knowing how to react or what to do. I look back and wonder if she thought she was getting out of the way so my kids could have the rest, but none of us saw it that way. We just do things so differently. We serve our kids first and then take the rest, if there is any. We would have bought more if it had not been enough.

I realize my mother suffers her own demons.

During that same week, my father had promised my son that he would take him to his barber for a haircut and they would have an afternoon out to themselves and maybe get ice cream. Well, my dad had a tantrum and left by himself without informing anyone and got his own haircut and was gone a really long time. It was so heartbreaking to see my son confused and hurt.

I realize my father suffers his own demons.

It was a peaceful time in Germany, for the most part. I read and grew and learned a lot about myself.

We stayed with my parents again for just a few days upon returning from Germany. It was a little bit better this time. We recently moved to Ohio.

My parents promised multiple times to help pay for my eldest daughter’s college education, but they lied and said they never promised that – even though my daughter, husband, and I all remember these promises. They said they would help, but when we told them the price of her tuition in September and December, they hemmed and hawed, then finally paid for both semesters – but after the due dates.

They always ask what we want for Christmas and birthdays.

Then they always say they can’t or won’t get those items for various reasons.

My mom sends seasonal boxes with dollar store items and cheap, generic toys that we often just donate to thrift stores.

A year ago, they didn’t send anything at all for Liz or Tori for Christmas.

My dad didn’t speak to me from October to February. He later admitted his feelings were hurt because he felt I only wanted money.

I’ve come a long way in my self-improvement, but this is all bullshit.

He complains all the time how they have no extra money.

Which I could accept if it were true. And no, things aren’t what’s most important.

But last year, they just bought a third car – a VW Bug Turbo and 2 brand new iPads.

Recently, my mom sent some money for summer camps for my kids and mentioned they’ve never supported me in educating the kids at home.

Wow.

It’s just always so confusing and I never know what to expect. I hate feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. And everything they send always has strings attached.

I realize they parented me the best way they knew how.

I am trying to break generational curses.

My parents can treat me however they want, talk to me however they want…but they can’t hurt my children.

I will break this cycle.

I will be a better mom, a happier and healthier mom.

Ways My Negativity Can Hurt My Kids:

Control

Every aspect of my life was controlled.

I grew up and lived in fear until I was almost 30 years old.

I want my kids to feel free – to talk to me, to feel and express all emotions, have friends, learn how they want, go to college (or not) for what they want to study, eat what and when they like, etc.

Unforgiveness

My parents hold grudges.

Loving unconditionally is not something I ever knew. I had to unlearn and relearn so much.

I have to separate misbehavior, mistakes, unkindness from the person and address the situation without shaming.

Bitterness

My parents are gray with bitterness.

They have so much hate. They have so much anger.

I didn’t know rage and hate were different until a few years ago.

Do I want to be bitter or better?

What I Can Do Better:

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to be self-aware of what upsets me, my triggers – reactions to circumstances that may remind me of abuse or negative memories.

I need to recognize covert and overt narcissistic tendencies in myself, reactions that I learned. Some tendencies that I even see in my children.

I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle I grew up in, but apparently, I’ve inadvertently passed on things to my kids despite all my knowledge and attempts to be better.

There’s always work to be done.

Apology

It’s so important to recognize and address mistakes and when we misspeak. We practice sincere apology.

When I make mistakes, I apologize and ask forgiveness. I model this to my family. 

Simplicity

We constantly reevaluate and simplify by minimizing and resting.

Things aren’t what’s most important. We have so many choices, so much material wealth. We can go to the store and purchase almost anything.

Credit cards are a poor option. We want to leave a better legacy for our kids.

Vulnerability

It’s important to me that we all feel safe in our emotions and the ability to discuss everything as a family.

But sometimes, they need privacy and I have to respect that.

While I want to be transparent, I also want to have healthy relationships with my kids and not burden them with adult problems.

It’s a constant balancing of realizing they’re maturing, growing, and learning. I have to adapt to their needs and our changing relationship.

How do you break the cycle?

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Resources:

  • Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting by L.R. Knost
  • Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne
  • The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel
  • The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl
  • Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
  • Hands Free Life: Nine Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, and Loving More by Rachel Macy Stafford
  • Only Love Today: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, and Choose Love by Rachel Macy Stafford
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jenalambert

INTJ. Only child. Military Wife. Homeschool Mom. Geek. Naturalist. Traveler. Questioning authority since 1976.

I get home after errands and our AC is out but I s I get home after errands and our AC is out but I still made this gorgeous yellowfin tuna, jasmine rice, and sauteed veg, including some fun Japanese eggplant.
What's really devastating is that my parents have What's really devastating is that my parents have these annual agendas they used as journals and they recorded absolutely everything about their daily lives.My father mainly recorded his meals, digestion, sleep schedule, weather, finances, and medical appointments.So I get a glimpse into what my mother 's daily schedule, medical history, meals, thoughts, and feelings were for the past decade and it's glaringly obvious how little she thought of me and my children.I was barely on the checklist. I'm not sure at what point or even how to reconcile this and I just feel very alone.
Since my son has a baseball game tonight right in Since my son has a baseball game tonight right in the middle of dinner time. Southern bento box: salmon patties with remoulade, Cole slaw, Publix tater salad, fried corn. Gonna bring a cup of cherry limeade.
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Omg zaatar sumac lemon roasted chicken and potatoe Omg zaatar sumac lemon roasted chicken and potatoes with green beans almondine and sauteed zucchini and garlic bread with the pan juice. Yes.
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So, real issues now when Kerrygold butter is out o So, real issues now when Kerrygold butter is out of stock at Sam's.I bought the entire shelf of Kerrygold at our military commissary.But there's no good jasmine rice at the commissary and fewer breakfast sausage and lots of empty shelves where international foods should be stocked.I love how no one understands or cares how tariffs work.
Good heavens, this roasted garlic bread from Publi Good heavens, this roasted garlic bread from Publix and organic rosé wine (the Natura Pinot noir is good too) from Chile is absolutely amazing.I love Publix so much y'all. The subs, the potato salad, the salmon dinners, the cake! How friendly and helpful everyone is. I'm so excited that I have one only an hour and a half away now.I bought my wedding cake from Publix in 2005.
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Comments

  1. Rhonda says

    May 13, 2019 at 10:20 am

    Jennifer,

    I’m sorry! Sorry that you were raised that way and were hurt so bad that it has affected you and your family. I knew. So did my parents. We knew you would have long term affects from all the negativity, anger and hate that your parents carried back then and continue to carry even in their 70’s. Just from what I see through Facebook I feel you have done a spectacular job in raising some wonderful kids! Allow them to be kids and young adults. And you are right, they shouldn’t be burdened with adult problems. Allow them to talk to you about anything. Each one is unique in their own way, allow them to be. You keep doing what you have been doing for your kids. They are great! They are great all because of you! You are the definition of a Mom! Don’t allow the grandparents to bring that negativity into their lives. Love you cousin!

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      May 13, 2019 at 2:01 pm

      Thanks so much, Rhonda. Some days, it’s just so hard. There’s so much doubt.

      Reply
  2. Theresa Boedeker says

    May 13, 2019 at 3:32 pm

    Good for you for breaking those generational cycles and being a better parent than your parents. Yes, your parents did the best they could, but it wasn’t very good and you are going to do better. It also sounds like they don’t want to change or are open to change, and they will remain the same way. You are open to change and doing things better and this is good. And probably the more time you are away from them, the more you notice wrong when you see them again, which helps you want to be anything like them. I hope you are talking about this to a trusted friend or counselor and working through this heavy load.

    I am breaking the negative cycle by being open to change and working on myself, parenting differently than my parents, keeping God center, and having a home of unconditional love and grace.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      May 13, 2019 at 4:12 pm

      I wish I had someone whom I could trust to work through things. Moving around as a military family doesn’t offer any consistency to therapy. The therapists in the military medical network aren’t really anything I’ve found to be helpful and often cause more harm than good. I’ve been burned too many times by people I should have been able to trust – friends, pastors, counselors – who told me I was a ungrateful daughter, should just pray more, reconcile, put my kids in public school, medicate everyone. It’s always an uphill battle.

      Your home sounds like it’s on the right track!

      Reply
  3. Stacey Pardoe says

    May 14, 2019 at 7:58 am

    Jennifer, thank you for honestly sharing your heart here. May we be women – and mothers – who stand against those unhealthy cycles and commit to live in new ways. I thank God for his grace and his chain-breaking power over these cycles! Your words are a gift to many!

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      May 14, 2019 at 8:32 am

      I claim this prayer. Thank you!

      Reply
  4. Anita Ojeda says

    May 14, 2019 at 8:07 am

    Aww. I’m so sorry you had to live through that. As a society, we’ve come such a long way in recognizing and calling out bad behavior in adults—but it’s not easy. May the Holy Spirit continue to comfort and heal you as you weed out the negative from your life and learn to build new ways of seeing and doing.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      May 14, 2019 at 8:31 am

      I always love the imagery of weeding a garden for more fruit. Thanks!

      Reply
  5. Michele Morin says

    May 14, 2019 at 8:08 am

    Jennifer, thank you for sharing this torturous story that has led to freedom for you. I’ve been there as well, and it’s a frightful thing to drive a stake into the ground and declare that the dysfunction ENDS with this generation!

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      May 14, 2019 at 8:31 am

      I love that image of a boundary stake!

      Reply
  6. Lauren Sparks says

    May 14, 2019 at 11:15 am

    If I can’t show grace to myself, I can’t show it to others. Wow. That is a sermon right there. Visiting you from the anchored truth tues link up. laurensparks.net

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      May 14, 2019 at 11:46 am

      oooh, Thank you!

      Reply
  7. Karen Del Tatto says

    May 15, 2019 at 12:36 pm

    Thank you for sharing so transparently, and thank you for sharing the wisdom you have gained from these negative experiences and the importance of God’s Grace in every aspect of these types of situations.

    Reply
  8. Rebecca Jones says

    May 15, 2019 at 4:01 pm

    Jesus breaks the curses, I know exactly what you mean though. I am sometimes torn between what I see in parents and children, and how I deal with issues. I don’t think they should butt in, or dominate the conversation, there is a time to be seen and not be heard. It is hard to talk to adults with their children talking over you. And nothing wrong with playing in their room or the playroom or being sent there. I really appreciate the hurt you voice, I just know some people just do their children a disservice by not teaching them. And I don’t mean out of sight out of mind. I hope there is healing for all of us as we grow in grace. May He bless you with His peace, it powerful.

    Reply
  9. Rebecca Jones says

    May 15, 2019 at 4:02 pm

    It is powerful.

    Reply
  10. Becca | AnchoredAbode.com says

    May 15, 2019 at 8:31 pm

    Wow! I have a spouse with similar parents and we have had to break free in order to stop the generational curses! It’s not easy, but good job!

    Reply
  11. Donna Reidland says

    May 16, 2019 at 11:07 am

    Thank you for sharing what must be raw painful feelings. Probably few of us grew up in perfect homes but some situations can definitely be more devastating than others. At almost 90 my mom has come to live with us and there are times when those feelings get stirred up. It’s definitely been a season of holding unto God’s grace. Praying for you my sweet friend!

    Reply
  12. Laurie Harmon says

    May 16, 2019 at 11:44 am

    I can’t even begin to tell you how much I can relate to this post. I really enjoyed reading your style of writing on the subject. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
  13. George says

    May 19, 2019 at 10:38 pm

    Hi Jennifer,

    I am a writer and I recently began a blog about depression to get some of my own passions out creatively and healthily. I only want to say that this is a very honest narrative, and I think you are brave for being so forthright about the problems you are facing. My parents are similar to yours, and I have tried my entire life to justify myself to them, to defend myself for being who I am, and when I simply could no longer take the judgement, arrogance, and condescension, I broke the chain. I ask God to help me forgive myself for being unable to reconcile with them, but I also find He gives me strength to begin my life for me, my wife, and my kids. You have the right to be free of that inner monologue. I hope you find grace for yourself.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      May 20, 2019 at 9:24 am

      Amen!

      Reply
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