Transitioning to a Summer Wardrobe

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June 24, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

We lived out of suitcases for almost two months, and kind of missed out on spring in a way. Now that summer is here, we are so excited!

Join me for “Closet Swap,” where fashion bloggers describe their wardrobe transitions into summer attire! (In collaboration with Raise.com – check out their collage of participants and favorites!)

Buy your favorite store gift cards and sell other gift cards for so many stores (673 of them!) on Raise.com.

We PCS’ed from Utah to Germany, beginning in early April and culminating in our moving into our house and receiving our household goods in Germany the beginning of June.

The hardest part of packing for our lengthy trip was narrowing down my shoes to the absolutely necessary ones. I settled on one paired of heeled sandals, my Toms classics, my running shoes, and a few pairs of flat sandals that were lightweight and slim to pack in the gaps.

I had to pack for multiple seasons since it was still quite cold in Utah when we began our journey. I had jeans and layers to keep me warm.

As we road tripped to Georgia, I knew it would be warmer as we crossed the country, so I had some capris and shorts and a couple warm-weather blouses.

After flying from Atlanta to Baltimore to Germany (all in one day), we expected the weather to be cooler again when we arrived. We were surprised by a sudden heat wave with temps in the 90s. I only had a couple outfits suited for that kind of heat. It was rough going for a while until we got settled into our house and unpacked our shipment of household goods with all our other clothing.

Now, it’s back to normal in the 70s and layers are needed once again. Mornings are cool and it warms up to close to 80 at midday, but it gets cool again in the evenings. It makes it quite comfortable since there is no A/C in Germany. We have fans and open windows to catch breezes. At night and early mornings, it’s quite chilly and we bundle up in warm pajamas and blankets. Coffee, hot tea, and cocoa are on our daily breakfast menu.

Some of my must-haves in my spring repertoire are items that pack and travel well and are versatile in different climates and weather. My favorite colors lately are blues and orange.

Outfit #1

A lightweight denim dress. Can be casual or fancied up a bit with the right accessories. The sleeves fold up or can be worn down (they’re 3/4-length). I love that this Target dress is knee-length. Scarves or cardigans help if it’s chilly. Chunky statement jewelry balance the ruggedness of denim. Can also be worn with leggings and cute ballet flats or ankle-length boots if it’s really cool out. I wore shiny flat sandals since it was supposed to get warm in the afternoon.

Outfit #2

Colored denim capris, T or tank, layered with cotton or linen button-up blouse. I feel so good in this outfit. I love the colors. I love those sandals! I picked them and the aqua print blouse up at the Bass Outlet in Georgia. It’s very versatile. It feels dressy but it’s just so comfortable. I’ve also worn white capris and a salmon-colored ruffled T-shirt with this blouse to great success.

Outfit #3

Multi, asymmetric, sleeveless blouse with white capris. Can be layered with a cardigan if it’s cool. I love, love, love this blouse. I got it for like $4 on Clearance at Kohls. It’s a Vera Wang. I love the smooth cotton knit with the chiffon accent and asymmetrical cut. I just feel sexy and really put together in this. Strappy white sandals dress this up. Flats are fine too. The drapey neckline begs for a statement necklace.

Or with a crocheted cardigan:

Outfit #4

Striped maxi skirt and 3/4-sleeve boat neck knit blouse. This is a really comfortable outfit and the fabric packs well and doesn’t wrinkle easily. I love this blouse and bought four in different colors at Kohls last year. I wish they had it in orange! I adore this skirt from Kohl’s and I had to even go down a size which was awesome! Fun jewelry or a scarf pull this look together. Play with colors! I love my platform Toms wedges.

Outfit #5

A striped knit dress. This is one of my favorite go-to dresses – from Target. Even though it’s cotton knit, it looks and feels really dressy. With heels and jewelry, it can go out to dinner. With flats, it’s casual and comfy for shopping. Toss on a cardigan or lightweight blazer for more looks. And these earrings from Old Navy that perfectly match?!

I also still love my silk tunic that looks great with leggings or capris. It’s dressy and comfortable and makes me look professional when I teach classes.

Raise.com is a marketplace to buy and sell gift cards. Go check them out!

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Learning to Be Quiet

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June 23, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

I know I’m critical and judgmental. I don’t sugar coat nothing and my husband complains that he can do no right.

During times of stress, it gets worse.

Like on a day when I’ve unpacked the whole house, cooked meals, cleaned the kitchen and floors, bathed the children, and he’s lying on the sofa playing his iPod.

I’m working through this. Breathe in. Breathe out.

It’s gotta be beer thirty or wine o’clock already.

But I try really hard to appear supportive in public.

I don’t want to be that wife. The one who the Army Sergeant Majors cringe about and are embarrassed for the husband.

They confided to my husband: “Our wives criticize us in private. They give us The Look and we know we’re gonna get it when we’re alone. But she berates him in public, in front of everybody and anybody. It’s sad.”

During a shopping on the German economy class, a lady who has lived here for many years informed me that everyone knows who the Americans are when they yell at their kids in public.

So I’ve been observant. Germans gently pull their kids aside (in a store, at the park, wherever) and speak quietly and firmly to their child. German parents are present, close, quiet, calm.

I’m practicing this.

I’m learning to be quiet.

I think being quiet is scarier.

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Being Still

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June 19, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

Being without a phone, Internet, mobile, my minivan, or a washer and dryer makes one reevaluate what’s really important.

Obviously, it’s not laundry.

So, while I refuse to walk past that basket with the growing mounds of laundry eagerly awaiting the delivery of our washer and dryer…

I spend more time:

really listening to my children as they prattle on
reading to my children and discussing
making healthy meals from scratch (We don’t have a microwave! yay!)
going on walks and hikes to explore our new home
helping the kids with their chores (it goes much more quickly with many hands)
teaching Bible lessons every morning
singing while Liz plays piano
listening to the birds outside my window
taking the kids to the backerei on the corner and letting them pick out something new and fun and delicious
having homemade ice cream with coffee

This summer is teaching me many lessons in being still and patient and present with my babies. Being stuck in hotels and living out of suitcases for a couple months and then having no vehicle or even the ability to drive – being without the luxuries we come to expect as convenient is helping me slow down and appreciate my family more.

We purged a great deal before we moved and we’re realizing as we can’t find a place for some things that we don’t really need them that much.

I plan to continue with these positive changes after we get more organized and back on the grid. I refuse to let my mobile phone or the Internet control me like it once did.

I will be present for my family and only use the computer and phone during set office hours.

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Learning Lessons Series

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June 18, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

God has been dealing with me this summer. He’s pruning my heart and guiding me into a more perfect relationship with Him and my family.

Here are the lessons I’m learning:

Learning to Be Content

What is God teaching you lately?

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New Routine

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June 18, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

Our first Monday in our new house in Germany.

I have the school room unpacked but not organized.

I have no desk. My desk items are in a pile in the corner.

For breakfast, I made French toast with the cool griddle we got Aaron for Father’s Day.

Homeschooling is legal for us in Germany because we are an American family on SOFA status since my husband works for the Air Force. He works at Landstuhl Hospital.

We began with Bible reading in my sitting room. Then the kids went off to their desks to complete their Bible notebooking.

They got distracted and had to play an art game. Of course.

I herded them back. We completed our other read alouds.

They completed their math lessons.

We had ham sandwiches and fruit for lunch. The ham is from the backerei on the corner. And somehow, there was Nutella too. Because I think Nutella is mandatory in all of Europe.

Liz set up The Lion King as recommended from our Bible lesson. We watched up to the point when Rafiki exclaims “Simba is alive!”

Then the kids walked down to the darling village park with all their sand toys. They met two new friends – one German boy and one American boy.

It’s a cool, cloudy day. The birds sing. We live in the middle of a forest.

So far, I am pleased with our lifestyle changes.

How is it different?

The kids have no closets. The bathrooms have no cabinets. There is nowhere to put coats. There is no storage!

Luckily, we get seven wardrobes allotted and they will be delivered this week with our washer and dryer. Just to find the space to put them…

We have no microwave (I chose not to have one and well I did since there is no counter space). I am eliminating our use of plastic in the kitchen (the kids are desperately hanging onto a few cups).

We have no crackers or junk food or American snacky things. The money I save from buying those things makes up for the higher cost of the amazingly better quality food I want to buy for meals.

Even though we have a German refrigerator in the kitchen and honking huge American fridge/freezer combo in the dining room, I am loving shopping and eating like the locals do. Every couple days, we go to the store to shop for the next couple days. We eat everything fresh. There’s no room to stockpile or store extra anything! On the odd days, we eat leftovers or the few items I have in the freezer “just in case.”

On Saturdays, we have a little farmers market directly across the street – year round! We bought grapes, a watermelon, fresh peas, and white asparagus. I could have bought so much more, but there was no way we could eat it all in a couple days.

The kids were ecstatic to get fresh peas.

Just look at that pork chop. I am so loving the food.

Every afternoon during the week and on Saturday mornings, there is a little drink shop open by our house, in our same building.

The shop owner is kind and gave my kids Italian ices the day we moved in.

I baked muffins our first morning and took the shopkeeper and our downstairs neighbor some with our names on a card.

I love the simplicity of no waste and everything in its place.

So, what do I dislike?

The tile floors (while super easy to keep clean) bruise my feet so I must wear slippers for padding. And they’re cold.

The lack of storage. We don’t have a garage or carport, just two parking spaces across the street. We have a cellar and shed that we piled all our stuff into.

No garden! We have no front yard, just a courtyard shared with the shopkeeper and the house next door – that is vacant and for sale. Our back yard is teeny tiny.

The garbage situation is confusing. There is a book to help us make sense of it. A BOOK. We must separate paper and glass from other recyclables that go in the gold bags. Organic compost waste from rubbish. Paper is picked up monthly. Rubbish is every two weeks. And they’re picky. We could be fined for making a mistake. We get Euro credit for most bottle returns. Non-exchange bottles go in marked containers depending on the color of the glass: green, brown, or white. We’re lucky that we have a compartmented garbage can built in under the kitchen sink. And all the waste cans are in a little shed across the street.

But these are small inconveniences for the lovely experience of living here.

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New Nature Studies

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June 12, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

The kids and I are excited to explore our new home and the huge forest we’re going to live in.

We have hats (ticks) and homemade bug spray (with essential oils) and we’re anxious to get settled and go hiking. I hear there’s a gorgeous lake not too far from our village. We shall find it.

We stopped at one of the makeshift parking spots by the roadside and had a snack and saw some lovely flowers and critters.

I’m thinking this is Queen Anne’s Lace or some wild parsley.

These lavender flowers (probably common speedwell) are by the roadside everywhere. And red-orange poppies. Gorgeous. And the dog roses and clover smell so sweet.

I’ve been trying to identify the birds around here. We have sparrows, crows, blackbirds, starlings, swallows darting all over – and some darling black and white tufted guys (I think it’s a crested tit).

I do loved the blackbirds when they chatter. They sound like an old typewriter.

This one is a type of robin, probably a redstart.

We stood watching this guy on a blade of grass for quite some time.

We are enraptured by the red tufted squirrels. They are the cutest things! I need to snap a photo. They’re not real shy but I haven’t had my camera on our walks around base.

Luckily, the base library has some nifty nature guides to tide us over for a while.

The kids are loving collecting the seedpods from all the trees around here. Sweetgum, maples, beech, oaks…and all the magnificent evergreens.

I can’t wait to print some notebooking pages for our new studies and for all our art supplies and notebooks to arrive this week!

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I Almost Lost Her

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June 11, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 8 Comments

We all know the tween years are tough.

It doesn’t matter the kind of school: public, private, homeschool.

It’s hard with the pressures from the outside and the changes on the inside.

I feel like those were the lost years. Literally.

I am just now realizing how close I came to almost losing my daughter.

She’s thirteen and half now and I see my little girl peeking through again lately. She laughs and is silly and her eyes twinkle again. She’s growing up and she’s super smart and the past is now a fading shadow.

For several years, she was buried down deep.

She had rough beginnings, torn between two households every other weekend and most holidays. Then, being uprooted and traveling where the Air Force sends us, homeschooling, three siblings, more responsibility than she should have for one so young.

I relied too heavily on her as my support. She was more to me than just a mother’s helper. I had no one else but her.

Having three babies and no family or friends, I expected her to help more than she should. She was too willing and able and I am ever grateful to her, but I wish I could have those years back for her.

She lost part of her childhood.

She did her schooling very independently for a couple years. I was busy, busy, busy with a baby and two toddlers. She liked playing computer games. I was a lazy mother with her, thinking she was fine, that she was doing well. I was so stressed and barely hanging on.

We were in survival mode.

When I asked her about some things, she fought me and dug her heels in. She became quiet and aloof. She didn’t want to eat. She was irritable. She was depressed.

Her Latin assignments weren’t completed and most lessons were done poorly. We started over but then mostly she gave up. She got “fired” from piano class for not completing the lessons or practicing. She refused to complete science experiments. She lost interest in many things she used to love.

I didn’t know what was wrong or what to do.

No one tells you that those computer parenting controls and services often don’t monitor chats or instant messaging.

(At least the service we had then did nothing to block Yahoo Messenger.)

For her protection and privacy, I won’t go into details.

Two months can cause damage that lasts years.

The ripples affected too much.

Predators are everywhere and this is why our children have no social media and we very, very closely monitor email and all online activity. Computers stay in the main rooms with screens facing out so I can see – at all times. Emails are filtered through our accounts. My husband receives every single email and can preview them. Chat and messaging are disabled.

We always said it wouldn’t happen to us. We were so diligent. We checked histories and installed parental control programs. We had Internet contracts and talked openly about dangers online.

I almost lost her.

We didn’t go to counseling. We didn’t involve our church or the FBI. We probably handled the whole thing really poorly and made it worse. But I don’t think we overreacted. We put our electronics on lockdown. Settings are restricted and long complicated passwords block the kids from making changes on their iPads. We blocked YouTube completely.

God can and will redeem those lost months. I am gradually rebuilding my relationship with my daughter. She is reemerging a lovely young lady who delights in so much like she used to. She’s healing and moving on. We all are.

I love seeing my daughter again. I missed her so much.

We are very concerned about G+ communities. Just doing an innocent search of “teen” and up pops all sorts of porn communities where teens are sucked into an ugly, evil world. Too many apps have potential for misuse. And I don’t think it’s right to allow children under age 13 to have social media accounts. Who cares if their peers don’t think they’re cool?

Resources:

American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers by Nancy Jo Sales
Disconnected: Youth, New Media, and the Ethics Gap by Carrie James
Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other by Sherry Turkle
It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens by danah boyd
iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy–and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood–and What That Means for the Rest of Us by Jean M. Twenge, PhD
The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt
Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit by Richard Louv
Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross
Hands Free Life: Nine Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, and Loving More by Rachel Macy Stafford
Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters! by Rachel Macy Stafford

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I Don’t Want to Be a Christian Blogger

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June 9, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

I am a blogger.

I love Jesus.

But I don’t want to be considered a Christian Blogger.

Within the blogging realm and Christian world, there are just too many pressures to name.

I am always learning new strategy for blogging. I refuse to compromise my principles. I am always honing my worldview and I want to learn as much as I can about everything so I can live well for Jesus.

People take offense to everything. There’s always someone getting her panties in a wad over something.

Everyone loves labels.

Christian. Blogger. Wife. Mom. Homeschooler. Daughter. Military spouse.

I get it. It makes lots of people comfortable to file everyone away into safe little cubby-holes.

There are oodles of Christian blogger groups on Facebook and Google+. I quit them all. So much judgmentalism.

I just want to be me.

And why, oh why, does it ever have to be about denomination?

I often gloss over topics I post, too scared to write what I really think and feel, too worried about offending. Those who know me in real life certainly know I rarely open my mouth without absolute truth flowing free.

I am me.

I spent almost thirty years changing myself so people would like me.

It was exhausting. Two failed marriages. Countless broken friendships. So much heartache.

I was consumed with trying to be who I thought society wanted me to be.

But eventually, I started listening to that still small voice and it started drowning out the lies I’d been hearing.

I don’t fit into a neat little box.

My pastor’s wife once showed surprise that I had not been raised as a Christian. I started attending church quite late in my 20s. It was still a very rocky and long road to learn to learn to become a godly wife and parent.

I wonder why she was surprised though? Am I so complacent in my faith walk that it seemed like I had never strayed? Or am I too good at covering up my past filthy sinful life?

I suppose it was a compliment – but I don’t receive those well and overanalyzed it, as usual.

A bloggy friend of mine recently expressed that blogging is exhausting. She recently got two email replies to the same newsletter:

1) the reader demanding to be removed from the email list due to a difference in faith opinion

and

2) a praise to the high heavens and thanking her for her writing.

I can’t please everyone all the time and I shouldn’t even try.

I just need to be who God made me to be. I need to write what God places on my heart, however hard it is sometimes.

Sometimes I use bad language. I drink wine and beer and sometimes even a mixed drink. I yell at my kids when they act stupid. Sometimes I holler at them when I’m tired and/or frustrated. I get mad at my husband for dumb stuff. I watch horror movies. My teen daughters watch horror shows and movies. I am often ashamed of myself.

I’m not perfect.

But I am forgiven.

I shouldn’t feel obligated to confess or apologize to you unless I personally sin against you. But I lie awake at night worrying about social media and the blog and if you like me. And you don’t even know me.

You only know what I allow you to see.

I’m not one to spout Bible verses on Facebook because I know how that can hurt when people don’t understand.

I read all sorts of blogs with all sorts of different topics. They are all good but many would be probably offensive to most of you. So I seldom share them.

“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. Matthew 10:16

I like to know what’s going on in the world and I want to view many different opinions before I make a decision. I don’t want to be biased. Many Christians are so very narrow-minded. I’m raising my children to be aware of the world with its evils and wonders. I want our family to be courteous and respectful, but not ignorant.

I want us to seek good and always be delighted when we find it.

I know many, many Christians who run the gamut and totally blast any stereotypes out of the water.

Blue hair and liberal politics. Essential oils, herbs, babywearing, and nursing until the kid is five. Skirt-wearing, conservative, homesteading. Keeping the Torah laws. Large family, no TV, hymn-singing, no make-up. Only child, special needs, living in an RV. Praying through all circumstances on faith, no debt, living on a prayer. Bohemian, living in the margins of society, tattoos, piercings. Cleavage showing, cropped bleached hair, blended family, adopted kids of all shades from all over the world. Fat, voluptuous, skinny. Pushing a cutting edge trend or ultra conservative. Black, brown, white. Working moms, SAHMs, WAHMs, bloggers, writers, teachers, homeschoolers…

It’s all war.

Does it really matter?

If I wear makeup or watch TV or blog in the nude (I don’t, but you’d never know!), why do you care?

Do my personal choices infringe on your family discipleship plans? Then don’t read it. Keep scrolling.

Does it matter what I do if I have love? Because I don’t think it matters so much what you do, as long as you love others. The little things are between you and God. And perhaps your husband and children and certain family and friends. It’s all really about relationships.

When Christian bloggers have to crowdsource whether they should attend a sibling’s gay wedding, I think they may have missed the big picture. When judging occurs at the expense of love, that’s a problem. She asked for permission to sever a close relationship. And she received a resounding YES from other Christians!

This is why I no longer write for other blogs.

I recently saw an ad to a conference “for successful Christian bloggers.”

I wonder what they consider “success.” Success in the world? Or in God’s kingdom? Because they are two totally different things and they constantly war within me as I struggle with setting boundaries and standards for my online presence without selling my soul – and yet this is more than a ministry. It is a lil business.

Bloggers seems to have a whole lot of influence, and marketers capitalize on this by offering products and services for review. I’m tempted all the time to get something for free, even if I know it doesn’t suit my family or it may compromise my values. And yet I see bloggers with reviews on their blogs for all these crazy things, and I just wonder: what is it that’s important to them? What are their values and boundaries?

As a lover of Jesus, I am called to be “not of this world.” I’m already thinking ahead. I’m trying to live now like it should be. On earth as it is in heaven. In the now.

If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. John 15:19

I am no expert at anything.

So many Christians are in “the first part of their lives” and rely on rules and legalism…yet they never make it to “the second part” of spiritual maturity with unconditional love and the fruit of the Spirit. They know the Bible and spout verses to represent exclusivity. They miss the point of unconditional love and what Jesus teaches.

I seldom attend church. Are you shocked?

Before you get your Bible verse weapons ready, ask yourself: who taught you what you think believe?

I no longer use the term Christian or evangelical. Those words just mean hate these days.

I love Jesus.

**I don’t want to be a Christian blogger.**

I just want to write.

I love it when people comment that my views and experiences help them.

Walking on water.

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When He Has a Headache

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June 5, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

So, I’m pretty disgusted with all the books, articles, Bible studies, and blog posts out there encouraging wives to be more available and willing for their husbands.

I’m tired of the church, therapists, bloggers, celebrities, writers, and anyone who perpetuates the myth and societal conditioning that men want sex all the time, anywhere, anyhow, with anyone.

I’ve kinda had it with that.

What if it’s not about a porn addiction? What if the wife has a higher sex drive and isn’t fulfilled? What if everything in the marriage is really pretty great but he’s just not interested in being intimate?

What about when he’s really not interested?

And I don’t mean unable.

We’ve all seen those silly bathtub commercials.

Sometimes, there are lengths of time when he just doesn’t desire intimacy.

What then?

Of course, it’s usually more than a headache. I don’t even try anymore, just to be disappointed.

I have important and fulfilling things to do with my time like read, do dishes, laundry, vacuuming, educating my kids, hiking, bird watching, Netflix, etc.

Communicate.

Of course, try to have a mature conversation about this. It’s a difficult topic and likely embarrassing due to our society and culture programming.

Our society conditions men to be virile and they’re ashamed if their sex drive is low and they don’t feel they can measure up to impossible standards.

Is he avoiding you because you’re a nag or have an ill temper? Then, you need to examine yourself and how you speak to and about your husband. And why.

Stay away from the blame game.

Often, he won’t know why himself and he might defensive and ashamed. Don’t feed those feelings. Try to comfort him and offer support and look for solutions together.

Pray.

Don’t go to your mama, his mama, sisters, friends, or any other male to complain or talk about your sex life.

That’s just opening up all sorts of trouble.

Pray and ask for help.

Pray with your husband if he’s willing. Continue to pray throughout your marriage for everything.

It’s a great habit to pray together and you’ll only experience blessings and peace.

Get tested.

Low testosterone levels in men are more normal than you think.

There are natural treatments to help. Idaho Blue Spruce essential oil is great to help balance and for energy.

A medical physical is always a good place to start to make sure he’s healthy and fit with no underlying medical conditions.

If he’s currently on medication, check the side effects to see if it lowers libido. Then see if he can change to something different without that side effect.

Reduce stress.

Sometimes emotional upheaval is just too much and men shut down.

They’re often not real metacognitive and experience alexithymia and can’t express how stress affects them.

They don’t understand why their bodies react the way they do.

Different schedules often pose problems. If you’re high-fiving each other at the door as one comes home and the other leaves for work, it doesn’t leave much time or energy for much else.

Screens can be distracting, especially in the bedroom. We only have one TV in our house and it’s in the basement. We have one desktop computer in my office. Everyone has an iPad. The adults and teens have smartphones. I like to read at bedtime. My husband watches shows or scrolls social media. This limits our healthy interaction.

Natural whole foods anti-inflammatory diet, regular exercise, sunlight and fresh air are simple ways to help relieve stress when life gets crazy.

Be a good listener and don’t interrupt or offer unsolicited advice.

Stay close.

Perhaps a weekend or overnight mini-vacation is in order. There’s nothing like a change of scenery and no responsibilities – even for a few hours – to help romantic, intimate, sexy feelings.

And if it doesn’t quite work out with heightened stress and expectations, cuddle and just be a couple for a little while.

Also, reduce expectations about what sex is and can be. You don’t have to strip down, have silence and darkness, full vaginal penetration, dual climax, or anything that the books, movies, society claims is good sex. Take it slow and get to know one another again.

Kids, extended family, home, school, jobs take their toll and it’s sometimes nice just to be away to regroup.

Get counseling.

Sometimes, there’s just something more going on and you need a professional to help sort it out.

I have a friend whose husband had this Madonna complex once she became a mother. He couldn’t look at her like a wife or woman anymore. It was sad for them.

There could be underlying psychological issues from his past rearing their heads for various reasons.

Often, military men experience PTSD from their jobs and deployments. This affects them in ways that are difficult to understand.

There is certainly still stigma surrounding counseling and meds, especially in the military. No, he won’t lose his security clearance. It’s not weakness to get help in order to live a full and satisfying life.

People experiencing depression and anxiety often do not desire sex or intimacy – or anything else they used to enjoy.

Perhaps it really comes down to:

Does he see the problem?
Can he communicate about the issues?
Is he willing to get help?
Does he love me enough to find out causes and seek solutions?
Will he put in the time and effort it takes to improve our marriage?

If the answer is no to any of these, then there are other issues that need to be addressed as well.

It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (MSG)

Resources:

The Marriage You Want: Moving beyond Stereotypes for a Relationship Built on Scripture, New Data, and Emotional Health by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman
The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman
Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship by Stephen Snyder M.D.
Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide by Michele Weiner Davis

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June 3, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

So, I walked across base to the homeschool PE time to meet some new friends.

Elizabeth immediately met a sweet girl with many of the same interests. Tori and Kate played with each other. Alex mostly sulked and played with a basketball a little bit.

One mom ventured that her daughter was disliking doing chores, mostly because a particular neighborhood girl was bragging that she didn’t have to do anything at home and the daughter was starting to get a bad attitude about chore time.

The devil was gaining a foothold at that house.

I listened and didn’t offer any advice. She wasn’t really asking for advice, I don’t think. A couple other moms offered sympathetic comments. The mother wondered aloud if she was asking too much of her daughter. How should she address the issue with the neighborhood acquaintance?

Every family handles chores differently. Some pay allowances. Some don’t. Charts or no charts. I can see it might cause contention to have another child inform your child that chores don’t exist in her house.

But why would you let a child, an outsider, influence your parenting?

All I heard in this mother’s exasperation over the situation was that she wasn’t confident in her parenting.

I am by no means an expert, but I am confident that I am leading my kids in the right direction.

Up.

I point them to God through Scripture.

I love, love, love the book Lead Your Family Like Jesus.

I don’t hold it over their heads as a threat, but I encourage them in their work ethic and attitude:

Servants, do what you’re told by your earthly masters. And don’t just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t cover up bad work.
Colossians 3:23-25 The Message

I’ve never discouraged my kids from helping when they so desire (There have been times when I direct my kids to do something a little differently due to a scheduling issue or disastrous mess though). I want my kids to understand that work is good. Sure, I loathe doing dishes and each child has his or her favorite and least favorite chores.

We all have to pitch in to make the household run smoothly.

I want to raise my four lambs to be servant leaders, world changers for Jesus. They need a strong work ethic and great attitude to be successful.

Wondering which chores I expect at which ages?

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