I think Christian women love to attack each other over the discussion of Biblical submission. Because that’s what Jesus wants, right? That holier than thou attitude.

Yep, I sure know what the Bible says and I’ll bet you do too.

Different denominations seem to have all sorts of doctrines and teach different aspects of how they interpret it. I’ve been damaged by some of those interpretations and some would consider that spiritual abuse or something. Whatev.

Since I didn’t grow up in church or knowing Biblical teachings, I had to seek God, read the Bible for myself, and discuss with my husband what we wanted for our family. The extremist position of no makeup, long skirts and uncut hair didn’t appeal to my husband, who grew up Presbyterian. Yay for that, because it’s quite a bit much for me. And most of those women I’ve encountered shun our family, and that’s real Christian. Cuz appearances matter so much, right?

Before any fundamentalists start attacking me, my husband delegates all household and homeschool decisions to me. When I get overwhelmed, I consult him to help balance it back on out. It works for us and therefore we are obedient to God. I submit to his delegation and he understands my strengths as a leader in our home. My husband desires that I make home decisions and he trusts me.

I, on the other hand, have issues with trust and respect. My past makes trusting hard for me. I have issues with forgiveness too. We’re working through all this. I don’t think any married couple has perfection, certainly not within the first ten years or so. Yep, I’ve read those books on love and respect. They help some. But reading isn’t doing. I’m working on the doing.

Here’s a comment on a great lesson I learned from a Jewish friend. Read it for what it was for me at the time.

Here are some articles I wrote about trust issues: part one and part two. Please notice they’re from a couple years ago. I’ve grown some since.

But it’s still a struggle, almost daily. I suffer from wife guilt. I react out of my past experiences and I take out my problems on my innocent husband.

Yes, I pray and work through these issues, and I often fail. I am thankful for God’s grace and my husband’s constant forgiveness.

I’m not a naturally humble person. I’m not optimistic or even particularly happy.

I buck and fight with my strong-willed self.

A cuppa pride brimmeth over.

But to train up my children in the Lord and be a good example to them, I need to be a positive force and I cannot just appear humble, I have to humble myself.

If my family doesn’t feel I’m happy with my choice to serve them, I have failed as a wife and mother.

And there are many, many, many days when that is the case. I have failed.

Thank God for His grace and mercy and redemption.

Sometimes, I listen to the devil’s lies that I am less than, never good enough, and I let that false belief control my being and I lash out at the little ones I love most in the world.

My husband takes the brunt of it. Gracefully, and he forgives me every time.

I have friends who have it better than me and worse than me. Very Dickens best of times and worst of times. I have friends whose husbands are deploying to scary places and friends with marriage troubles and friends with children who just up and leave without a word and friends with children who are chronically ill and there is little hope.

So I should be happy, all the time. Right?

I’ve got it so good. I feel guilt to admit when I have a bad day because I don’t deserve a pity party when all my kids are healthy as can be and can mouth off at a moment’s notice. We have two cats as pets. Poor countries don’t have the luxury of having pets. My husband has a stable career and we get to live in lovely Germany and travel all over Europe. We eat well and and have pretty clothes. We love and appreciate art and music, a sign of wealth and leisure.

We have more than enough.

But we are all products of our environments and I’ve never experienced sacrifice. I’ve certainly been humbled before. And I say:

It is better to humble yourself than to be humbled by others or circumstances.

So, I’m praying and reading my Bible and going to church and working out my faith in front of my family. They keep me on my toes and they’re quick to point out my faults and failings and contradictions between my actions and what I teach to them.

Mostly in love.

Ah, we’re hitting all the nerves in this series. Don’t we all feel guilty some of the time, over stupid stuff?

As wives, no matter if we’ve been married ten or twenty years or just a few months, we experience guilt that we’re not measuring up to some unknown, intangible prototype.

No? Then, it must just be me and my low self-esteem. I didn’t get trophies or certificates during my childhood unless I earned them. I seldom received any.

Thanks to Disney and other romantic comedies, we are bombarded with images and situations that teach us from very early on that we’re fairy princesses and should be constantly pedestal-ized.

Woe to the normal, sinful, human man who fails to get that memo.

They all have happy endings. Except those ridiculous movies where one half of the couple has a chronic incurable disease and the other half is brave and despite all odds stands beside the lover until the very end. I just don’t have time for that kind of negativity in my life. And there are no sequel possibilities to those.

Our married lives were once all about being deliriously happy and fairy-tale-like.

In the beginning, the potatoes burned because y’all forgot about the time and were too distracted by each other to remember that dinner was a-cooking. It was a good laugh while he scoured the pot and you made rice instead. There were no crying little faces who had to wait twenty more minutes, starving like they hadn’t eaten in four hours.

Eventually, motherhood and other distractions replace the idol that was The Marriage.

We often begin to feel we’re being mistreated. [Read: when he comes home late for a any reason, when he doesn’t buy you that gift you so hinted at for your birthday, when he doesn’t read that story just right to your son, etc.]

You know the times. Those moments when you’re snappish, and you instantly regret it, but you’d never admit it and apologize and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

The disappointment. Hurt people hurt others. The silent treatment, the cold shoulder. The pouting.

We become selfish and demanding and like to place blame anywhere, on anyone. Not ourselves. Nope. Forgotten are the days when we anxiously waited for The Return of the Husband after a workday simply because we were so much in love and enjoyed his company. Now, we are exasperated and crave escape as soon as he walks in the door.

Sound familiar?

Then we feel guilty. It’s an ugly cycle.

And I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna talk about it. I want to be alone and wallow in my misery. I don’t wanna admit I did anything wrong. I don’t wanna make up. I don’t wanna.

Do you hear the devil’s mantra?

It’s take a stronger, more mature Christian to do those things we ought.

Didn’t we learn anything from Cinderella, Snow White, Belle?

And why won’t those blasted forest animals and/or personified furniture clean the house?!

So, those princesses are rather an example to us wives. They were seldom discouraged. They were often cheerful despite adversity. They were resourceful and strong. They didn’t pout and wallow in self-pity. Not much.

Sure, I know those princesses didn’t have five children under eight wrapped around their knees, clamoring to be held at just that moment when the potatoes decide to drink up all that boiling water and glue themselves to the bottom of the pot. Their husbands didn’t often deploy to scary desert places with weapons of mass destruction. The fairy tale stories never showed the waspish in-laws with their confusing demands. They didn’t have to move house six times in ten years.

Every wife has different demands from her husband and family – and we all have hangups and issues.

Most of the problems are expectations. And those expectations are based on how we viewed our parents’ marriage, others we were influenced by, and past relationships.

It’s important that we pray through those and mature instead of acting like spoiled toddlers [again, preaching to myself here].

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

With Jesus as the heads of our homes, we can work with our husbands as a team.

And stop burning potatoes.

Start working toward your Happily Ever After.