Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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How Deployment Affects Marriage

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Deployments are stressful for married couples.

Of course being separated – for many months or a year – can create stress on a marriage.

Deployment exacerbates any issues already existing in the relationship.

I’m independent and capable and efficient. Being a single mom for seven months isn’t that much of a hardship for me. I make most of the household decisions anyway. Some people gave me side eye when they learned about the deployment and I wasn’t sufficiently devastated as they expected me to be. I take things as they come.

I know some spouses who can’t even go to the store alone, much less successfully navigate a deployment without loads of daily help from friends and family. But, to each her own, I guess.

We actually made this deployment decision together, to strengthen our marriage, and help his career.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

It takes lots of extra work to make marriage work in the military, and especially during long separations.

How Deployment Affects Marriage

How to maintain a successful marriage during deployment:

Communication

We live in an era of easy communication. The Internet makes the impossible possible. Thousands of miles and oceans apart, and we can see each other face to face and chat daily. My grandma didn’t have that luxury, only seeing my grandpa on shore duty after months at sea, raising their two boys alone.

I’m not into small talk but I have to make myself available and chatty even when I don’t feel like it. I’m an extreme introvert.

He doesn’t care about care packages. He doesn’t want much. He asks for K Cups and garlic salt. So exciting. Also, some deployment locations limit items such as pork products or comic books, and it just stresses me out that he might get in trouble if I don’t read the ingredients on a jerky packet closely enough. I’m not going to waste time, effort, and money sending things he doesn’t want or need and that he’ll just give away to others.

He’s not much of a reader. I would love to read a book together and discuss it. But he’s not into that. I do often send him screenshots of my eBooks with highlighted text.

We don’t really watch the same shows much either. We sometimes recommend movies or shows to each other, but we don’t watch anything together regularly.

He likes sugarcoating and I’m very blunt. Texts and emails seem worse without any tone or facial expressions to lighten them. We can’t really afford to get offended.

I don’t want to come at him with only problems and bad news. I have to temper everything. But it seems that everything that can will go wrong during a deployment.

We have to make more of an effort to communicate well since we’re apart for a long time.

I’m often melancholy when I can’t share events, milestones, or something special with him.

I miss you in waves and tonight I’m drowning.

Finances

I’m using this opportunity of 7+ months of separation pay to pay off the credit card and not acquire any more debt.

I’m not a shopper anyway, so it’s easy for me to be frugal.

The kids and I keep busy and don’t fall into retail therapy to make ourselves feel better. We shop for needs and a few wants and items for the holidays.

I seem to save lots of money on utilities, household expenses, and by staying home, making it easier to pay off the debt. So much less laundry!

Temptation

I suppose temptation might be an area for many marriages to worry about.

I’m not very social and I’m very private. We’re loyal. We’re committed. It’s not really an issue.

Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely.

I rarely talk to people, and certainly not men. I’m not around men. I’m not around anyone, really. We don’t go to church anymore. There aren’t any stay at home, homeschooling dads in my circles for me to be concerned. I don’t even chat online with anyone except my family members.

I’m not one to be easily tempted and I would recognize the potential danger and immediately extricate myself because I want to maintain integrity. Trust is important.

It might be harder for some people in different circumstances. It might be difficult for lonely and bored deployed members seeing certain others day in and day out, in close quarters. Maintaining professional distance is important. Don’t confuse being nice with flirting.

I don’t believe in a deployment sex pact or “what happens in deployment, stays in deployment.” That’s not healthy.

I’m not sure what some spouses are up against, but guarding hearts and minds and removing oneself from dangerous situations is imperative.

I’ve read about too many marriages breaking up after deployments due to affairs and it’s very heartbreaking.

It’s very depressing at most deployment locations. It’s all neutral colors, poor weather and food, little entertainment or activity. He misses us. He misses affection.

It’s hard for us too. 

Self Improvement

During the first deployment, he completed a training course that he needed to make the next rank. That was convenient and easy for us.

He goes to the gym a lot. There’s not much else for him to do.

I read a lot. Like, a whole lot. And there are no interruptions for me now!

I’m constantly improving myself. I collect knowledge.

It’s easy for me to use these months alone to read more, watch more uplifting shows, write, research, educate myself, walk in nature, pray, think…and all the things that too often get interrupted on weekends and evenings.

I keep him updated on my progress and what I’m learning so he’s not totally lost and thinks I’m a different person when he returns. That’s a very real consideration. People grow, and can more easily grow apart while separated. It’s a concern I actively counter with communication.

Parenting

As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, this is my job. And now I’m doing it mostly alone for many months.

The kids keep on carrying on while Dad is away. It’s hard when I can’t share their milestones with their father. He’s missing out.

Of course, they rely on me as their mom for almost everything anyway. It takes some pushing and prodding for them to ask Dad for anything even when he’s home, and certainly they learn he’s not available to help much or take the load off me when he’s away.

I remind him to ask them about what they’re learning, reading, doing – to keep communication open and maintain relationship while he’s away. And I have to coax everyone during reintegration.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

With the time change, it’s even harder to connect sometimes with his work schedule. We have to make extra effort.

He trusts me to maintain a peaceful home for these kids – who are living for 8 months without a father, except on FaceTime. I have to make it as special and good as possible.

We’re in this together.

You might also like:

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

Tips to Navigate Motherhood During Deployment

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Celebrating Martinmas

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St. Martin is the patron saint of beggars, drunkards, and the poor.

His feast day falls during the wine harvest in Europe, he is also the patron saint of wine growers and innkeepers.

In the agricultural calendar it marks the beginning of the natural winter, but in the economic calendar it is seen as the end of autumn. Because it comes before the penitential season of Advent, it is seen as a mini “carnivale,” with feasting and bonfires.

St. Martin’s Feast is much like the American Thanksgiving – a celebration of the earth’s bounty.

Tradition says that if it snows on the feast of St. Martin, November 11, then St. Martin came on a white horse and there will be snow on Christmas day. However, if it doesn’t snow on this day, then St. Martin came on a dark horse and it will not snow on Christmas.

Children often dress up and go around with lanterns as beggars for sweets. Sound like Halloween?

Celebrating Martinmas

How to Celebrate Martinmas

Make a Lantern

I love these examples of homemade lanterns:

St. Martin’s Bags

Ġewż, Lewż, Qastan, Tin
Kemm inħobbu lil San Martin.

Walnuts, Almonds, Chestnuts, Figs
I very much love Saint Martin.

Give to the Poor

Donating clothing to the poor is in remembrance of St. Martin cutting his cloak in half for the beggar during a snowstorm.

Pray for Military

St. Martin was a Roman soldier and November 11th is Armistice Day and Veterans Day.

Bonfires

Always festive in autumn.

Foods

Martinmas is the end of fall harvest, so breads and cakes are common.

Pretzels, croissants, and horseshoe-shaped almond sweets represent St. Martin’s white horse.

Goose is often eaten in Germany.

The legend goes that whilst trying to avoid being ordained bishop, St Martin hid in a goose pen only to be betrayed by the squawking of the geese. Around Europe, many people still celebrate Martinmas with roast goose dinners.

Beef is popular in Ireland and the UK.

Rhymes

If the wind is in the south-west on St Martin’s Day (11th), it will stay there right through to Candlemas in February, thus ensuring a mild and snow-free winter.

“Wind north-west at Martinmas, severe winter to come.”

“If ducks do slide at Martinmas
At Christmas they will swim;
If ducks do swim at Martinmas
At Christmas they will slide”

“Thunder in November means winter will be late in coming and going”

“If the geese at Martin’s Day stand on ice, they will walk in mud at Christmas.”

Ice before Martinmas,
Enough to bear a duck.
The rest of winter,
Is sure to be but muck!”

É dia de São Martinho;
comem-se castanhas, prova-se o vinho.
It is St. Martin’s Day,
we’ll eat chestnuts, we’ll taste the wine.

A cada cerdo le llega su San Martín.
Every pig gets its St Martin. The phrase is used to indicate that wrongdoers eventually get their comeuppance.

Martinmas celebrations begin at the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of this eleventh day of the eleventh month (11:11 am on November 11).

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Corn Maze

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The kids wanted to do some fun fall activities.

It’s getting harder the older they get. Most of the fun things seem to be for little kids.

We went to the homeschool day at Pot-Luck Greenhouse.

We went for the corn maze. It was ok. It was near our house, and we went through a couple times. There were activity books.

We’re already lost!

I have this same shot when Alex was 18 months old in Utah!

I love this shot of the bridge!

Fun games!

We took a hay ride to choose pumpkins. They were already cut, to my kids’ disappointment.

Our Other Fall Field Trips:

Black Island Farms in Utah

Sunshine Pumpkin Farm in Germany

Appel Happel in Germany

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Sunshine Pumpkin Farm

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We took a homeschool field trip to Sunshine Pumpkin Farm.

We travel a lot in fall, so this was exciting for us to do something a little more normal.

The kids liked visiting the animals.

Katie loves cows.

We took a wagon tractor ride to pick our own pumpkins.

Yummy cider and cake for sale in the farm shop!

You can also visit their English and German website. They’re about 10 minutes away from Landstuhl.

There’s a milk and egg dispensary.

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Discouraged

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I can’t stop my tears this week.

It’s October but I feel like it’s February in my soul.

It’s been a busy week. I finally made it to grocery store at dinnertime on a Saturday night. Completely out of milk and bread. This is the epitome of domestic bliss, right? Saturday night grocery shopping, alone.

They’ve rearranged and updated the store over the last month or so. I still can’t find anything and I used to have the store memorized and my list according to aisle. I wandered around the store three times before I found the bread aisle. I was hungry and exhausted and I needed to get home to make dinner.

I cried in the bread aisle at Kroger, y’all.

No witnesses.

They’ve been out of our favorite brand of bread for over two weeks, at multiple stores. There was a preschooler having a four alarm full-blown on the floor tantrum an aisle over that echoed throughout the store, and I felt a spirit bond with her.

It was like the final straw for me this week. I just lost it in the face of so much hate, evil, and sorrow happening in the world, in our country, in our cities, in our churches. It’s overwhelming at times.

I feel so useless just going through the motions of mothering, homeschooling, housework, taxi service to the kids. Barely blogging, working just a little from home, trying to help with little tidbits where I can. Finding projects that I can do. Cutting costs, trying to save wherever to pay off debts more quickly.

My eldest just turned eighteen years old. So much potential and the scary world all wide open before her. She’s more mature, capable, honest, and confident than I was…like a year ago.

What have I done? What do I have to show for eighteen years?

I want to do so much more.

Discouraged

Earlier, I cried when my middle daughter carved her brother’s jack o’lantern. I am ashamed that I didn’t, couldn’t. She is an artist and oh, so capable. She runs circles around me with her abilities and energy and strength.

Today, I cried when my son dusted the entire house because he saw it needed it. They canceled his last baseball game of the season due to bad weather. His always cheerful attitude slays me. I’m more disappointed than he will ever be.

My youngest daughter’s drawing artwork chokes me up with her talent and abilities. What will she do in the future? She is fearless.

My children are better than I am.

And that’s how it should be, what I want for them.

I’ve cried every day recently, multiple times a day, about what I see in the news and on social media – the fear, hatred, evil, sorrow…but also so much kindness, joy, hope, love.

Let us love. Let us be kind.

May we have hope.

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How We Do PE

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Physical education is so important, but often overlooked by homeschool families.

I want my kids to be healthy inside and out, and being active is a part of a healthy lifestyle.

In this world of planned playdates and scheduled activities, I want my kids to have fun and freedom to play and learn how to stay active for the rest of their lives.

I have to model healthy activity if I want my kids to be active.

I can’t just tell them to go outside while I sit at my computer or watch Netflix. I often go for a walk while they rollerblade or scooter or we all walk as a family after dinner. I plan hikes in the woods or a local nature center. I don’t force my kids to play team sports, but I try my best to offer that option. When we have bad weather or it’s very cold, we stay active in more creative ways.

How We Do PE

How We Do PE

Outside Play

I encourage my children to spend time outdoors at least 30 minutes each day, no matter the weather. Sometimes, this is hard…and other times, I have to drag them inside to eat or bathe or go to bed.

We’re thankful we live in a neighborhood where they can roam and be kids.

They like to rollerblade, ride bikes, and scooter around the neighborhood.

They play with hula hoops and jump ropes.

We have wiffle balls and scoops and frisbees.

We sometimes do fun things like obstacle courses.

They often wander the woods behind our house and play in the creek and come home with ropes and ropes of daisy and clover chains.

Their friend down the street has a pool and they learned to swim this summer.

Team Sports

I’m not big into sports, and my kids have tried almost all of it, with varying results.

The kids used to do gymnastics. My eldest participated in Civil Air Patrol and they have a PT program.

Currently:

My youngest daughter is playing recreational soccer.

My son loves baseball, and plays on a rec team in the fall and spring. He tried out for some elite leagues, but isn’t quite strong enough yet.

Family Activities

We love to go hiking and exploring and do nature study at local parks and playgrounds, state parks, and natural areas.

We often go bowling, usually for free summer bowling or for celebrations.

During bad weather, we often join a homeschool group at a trampoline park.

The kids have gone ice skating each winter.

We’ve gone snow sledding during the winter. Climbing back up is a workout!

We love homeschool park and gym days.

My teen daughter and I used to go the base gym each week.

Our local YMCA offers great deals throughout the year on classes and events for families and homeschoolers.

I was a part of a family workout group one year for moms and kids and that was super fun. Stroller fit is a good one for moms with young kids.

Family Time Fitness offers lots of PE options for families.

Inside Play

I try to make sure my kids get outside a little while every day, but still, it’s sometimes cabin fever in the winter or rainy season.

We have a Wii with active games like Sports and Just Dance.

I often turn on a Spotify playlist and have a dance party or do a big house cleaning.

I feel it’s super important to model healthy activity to my kids so we’re all leaving a healthy legacy.

How do you stay active year round?

Also, check out Health for High School Homeschool Credit.

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Favorite Halloween Books

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I chose some of our favorite Halloween books, approved by my young son as not scary, just spooky enough for the season. Many are sing-songy rhyming fun books. Most are just cute or silly.

The chapter books at the end of the list are family read-alouds or approved by my older girls.

Some of our favorites are multicultural because we love learning how others celebrate holidays around the world.

Also, check out my book lists about pumpkins and fall and Thanksgiving.

Favorite Halloween Books

50 Halloween Books for Kids

  1. ABCs of Halloween by Patricia Reeder Eubank
  2. Stellaluna by Janell Cannon
  3. The Halloween Kid by Rhode Montijo
  4. What Was I Scared Of? by Doctor Seuss
  5. The Little Old Lady Who Was Not Afraid of Anything by Linda D. Williams
  6. Room on the Broom by Julia Donaldson
  7. The Berenstain Bears and the Spooky Old Tree by Stan & Jan Berenstain
  8. The Monster at the End of This Book by Jon Stone
  9. Scary, Scary Halloween by Eve Bunting
  10. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown by Charles M. Schulz
  11. The Hallo-Wiener by Dav Pilkey
  12. A Tiger Called Tomás by Charlotte Zolotov
  13. Creepy Carrots by Aaron Reynolds
  14. Creepy Pair of Underwear by Aaron Reynolds
  15. Monster Trucks by Anika Denise
  16. Behind the Mask by Yangsook Choi
  17. Monster Academy by Jane Yolen
  18. Spooky Pookie by Sandra Boynton
  19. My Monster Mama Loves Me So by Lauren Leuck
  20. Where is Baby’s Pumpkin? by Karen Katz
  21. Shy Mama’s Halloween by Anne Broyles
  22. The Closet Ghosts by Uma Krishnaswami
  23. The Pomegranate Witch by Denise Doyen
  24. Shake Dem Halloween Bones by Mike Reed
  25. Just a Minute: A Trickster Tale and Counting Book by Yuyi Morales
  26. Halloween Bugs by David A. Carter
  27. Flashlight Night by Matt Forrest Esenwine
  28. Boo-La-La Witch Spa by Samantha Berger
  29. Skeleton Hiccups by Margery Cuyler
  30. Halloween Hustle by Charlotte Gunnufson
  31. Ten Timid Ghosts by Jennifer O’Connell
  32. Bonaparte Falls Apart by Margery Cuyler
  33. The Spider and the Fly by Mary Howitt
  34. Día de los Muertos by Hannah Eliot
  35. Where’s My Mummy? by Carolyn Crimi
  36. It’s Raining Bats & Frogs by Rebecca Colby
  37. How to Catch a Monster by Adam Wallace
  38. Halloween Loooong Dog by Jessica Neal
  39. Sweet Dreams, Little Monster by Caroline Bennett
  40. Día de los Muertos by Roseanne Greenfield Thong
  41. The Day of the Dead / El Día De Los Muertos: A Bilingual Celebration by Bob Barner
  42. Ghosts for Breakfast by Stanley Todd Terasaki
  43. Los Gatos Black on Halloween by Marisa Montes
  44. Peter Rabbit and the Pumpkin Patch by Beatrix Potter
  45. Bunnicula: A Rabbit-Tale of Mystery by Deborah Howe
  46. The Witches by Roald Dahl
  47. The Secret of the Old Clock by Carolyn Keene
  48. The Halloween Tree by Ray Bradbury
  49. The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman
  50. Coraline by Neil Gaiman

What’s your favorite Halloween book?

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The Most Common Neurosurgery Procedures

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Most people don’t have a deep knowledge of a lot of medical procedures. When it comes to something as complex as neurosurgery, a lot of people might assume that it has something to do with the brain. While this may be partly true, it actually involves much more than just the brain.

Neurosurgery is a type of medical procedure which is performed on a patient’s nervous system.

Dr. Robert Louis of Minimally Invasive Neurosurgery in Orange County, CA reminds us that while neurosurgery is done on the brain, very often it can involve the spine. Neurosurgery is considered a specialty because it deals with diagnosing and treating patients who either have brain injuries, spinal column disorders, spinal column diseases or issues with the spinal cord, brain or peripheral nerves.

Neurosurgical procedures can be done on both adult and pediatric patients. There are a variety of both surgical and non-surgical options and each option is determined based on the nature of the disorder, disease or injury being treated.

These are some of the more common types of neurosurgery procedures performed.

Anterior Cervical Discectomy

Almost everyone will experience some neck pain during their lifetime. However, if your neck pain is due to a herniated disc, a neurosurgeon might be the answer. Those who suffer from herniated discs know that the pain can be practically unbearable. Some sufferers may end up needing surgery to fix the problem. This procedure is a common one that involve removing the damaged disc responsible for pressing on the spinal cord or nerve root in order to heal the pain being caused.

Craniotomy

It is unfortunate to find out that thousands of people each year are victims of a stroke or brain injury. However, it is fortunate for these victims that there are neurosurgical procedures to save their lives. One of these procedures is called a craniotomy. This procedure involves removing a portion of a patient’s skull so that their brain has more room to heal without the threat of being crushed.

Chiari Decompression

This procedure is used for those affected by a defect in the brain which controls balance. This condition is referred to as Arnold-Chiari malformation. This procedure may be used to correct the condition and enable the patient to have an improvement in their balance and coordination. All options for treatment of this condition involves surgery. However, the safest neurosurgery procedure for this condition is the Chiari decompression and it will involve removing a bone at the back of the patient’s skull.

Laminectomy

This procedure is a minimally-invasive one and requires just small incisions to be made. The incisions are done so that a small portion of the lamina or vertebral bone can be removed. This procedure is common for those patients who suffer from severe and debilitating back pain.

Lumbar Puncture

This procedure is very simple yet very effective. It is done in order to diagnose how many diseases might be affecting the patient’s central nervous system.

Epilepsy Surgery

When someone suffers from epilepsy, the first method of treatment is usually based around pharmacological methods. If a surgical option is necessary, it will be advised by a neurological specialist. The most common types of procedures involve removing a small portion of a patient’s brain that is responsible for producing fatal seizures.

Spinal Fusion

This procedure can be used for someone with a degenerative disease or someone who is suffering from a traumatic injury. A spinal fusion is a type of surgical procedure used to help keep someone’s spine in a stable position. This option is only done as a last resort when all other options did not work.

Microdiscectomy

This is a neurosurgical procedure that is used as a treatment for people suffering from painful herniated discs.

Ventriculostomy

During a ventriculostomy procedure, the specialist will use a tube to remove excess fluid that has built up in a patient’s brain. This procedure is done without implantation.

Ventriculoperitoneal Shunt

This procedure is also one that is used when there is fluid building up in someone’s brain. To drain the excess fluid in this case, a shunt gets implanted into the brain to help drain any excess liquid that accumulates.

It can be said that our brain is our engine and our body is the steering wheel. If our brain does not function properly, our body can become static. If our brain does not function the way it is supposed to, we can start reaching a vegetative state. This is where the importance of neurosurgery comes into play. The use of modern procedures, both invasive and non-invasive, have simplified many complex procedures and brain surgeries in this era and has saved many lives.

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Personal Growth

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I wasn’t a healthy youth, teen, or young adult.

My parents had narcissistic tendencies. They were also suffocatingly overprotective. I’m an only child. Naturally, I grew up with some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I eloped in 1998, when I was 21. He was 28. My parents disowned me. They mailed me a copy of their legal will, torn into shreds. My father didn’t attend my master’s degree graduation ceremony.

It was a special time.

I was too young, inexperienced, naïve, the works. We were inexperienced in so many ways. He wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t right for him. We weren’t right for each other.

He was a drug dealer and addicted to porn.

And I really didn’t know.

Four years of abuse, including verbal/emotional, sexual, and physical, and the emotional and spiritual abuse from the churches his family attended led me on a serious journey of self-discovery.

If you lose someone, but find yourself, you won.

{Get the journal.}

I left him in 2001. We’ve been divorced since 2002.

You cannot heal in the same environment where you were hurt.

The church really attacked me over the divorce. I felt so alone.

There have been some interesting developments with his niece over the years. I can’t even begin to understand his family and their choices and decisions.

His family were my first exposure to Christianity and it damaged me. It continues to affect my faith walk.

I am not the same as when I was in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

Personal Growth

My ex posted this in August 2018.

So that’s his perception and we’re all entitled to our own perception.

The narrative he has lived by these twenty years is very different from mine.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

~Anne Lamott

Once a person reaches age 50+, maybe learn to move on and show some personal growth?

Is social media the place to work out your emotional baggage, seek personal affirmation, and discuss people behind their back?

I minored in psychology at university. I was *this close* to a double major.

I’ve read a lot about narcissism and other mental disorders and illnesses. It’s kind of a hobby, and I have a very personal interest.

Did I and do I have narcissistic tendencies?

Probably.

But I diligently try to learn and grow and heal, so that’s different than living in denial and continually hurting my loved ones.

I’m more an empath and I find this article absolutely fascinating comparing empaths and narcissists.

And this other article about empaths and narcissists.

How narcissists manipulate.

A pretty accurate list of narcissist traits.

“An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts, and emotions of others while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.”

As a child of narcissists, I recognize these destructive tendencies and I actively steer my attitudes and actions away from repeating the cycle of abuse. There’s even a Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder, PNSD.

I was wounded.

On my journey of self-discovery, I have learned the hard lesson of how to forgive. I no longer blame my ex for the problems we faced while we were in a relationship. I used to be very angry and bitter. Negativity ate me up inside. Now, when I remember, they are just facts. The events happened. I am unemotional about it. I am no longer ashamed or afraid.

He had his issues and I had mine. But I feel that I have mostly overcome my issues. I feel much more comfortable with who I am now than I did then.

I have grown up.

I have moved on.

The best thing I ever did was leave the state where I grew up and where my ex and his family still reside. I took my daughter and we literally and figuratively escaped.

I had to be independent of my parents.

I had to learn to be self-reliant.

I had to develop my own identity.

Most kids do this gradually as teens and young adults, but I wasn’t allowed to do this in a natural or healthy way.

I’m not going to rehash the failures in our relationship or the issues during and after the divorce. Perhaps another time.

After many years of no contact from my ex, and no child support payments of the $20k+ back payments he owed, my current husband adopted my daughter. We also have three kids together. We realize that we are not perfect people. We have had our struggles and we had to grow up and learn what duty and commitment and healthy relationships look like. We have no role models. It’s been almost 14 years now.

For years, my parents accused me of so many horrible things, of being an ungrateful daughter. They have written me hate mail – via paper letter and email – about how poorly I am raising my children, what a terrible mother I am, that I should physically discipline my kids. They even found a therapist to agree with them, to blame me for their unhappiness with themselves and the world, or so they said. They are bitter, angry people.

And I no longer blame my parents for who they are and how mean they sometimes were. I forgive them. It still hurts and their words and actions affect me deep inside my core because they are my parents.

I’ve done everything I can to break the cycle of abuse. I am constantly seeking ways of self-improvement.

My daughter, who is now 18, struggles with abandonment issues even though she hasn’t physically seen her biological father since she was four years old. She contacted him via social media last year – with my knowledge and blessing – and has experienced nothing but disappointment and heartbreak as he accuses her of being brainwashed with my lies. He recently blocked her on Facebook and bragged about that to his family and friends – so any conversation between him and our daughter is over for the time being. He says I brainwashed her.

I have so much paperwork to back up my story. I ache for her to heal the wounds of her past. I long for her to be healthy and whole. I pray for her relationships and mental health.

And as for my parents…Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Living in Texas, Hawaii, Utah, Germany, and now Ohio, and only having very limited contact with my parents has forced them to grow too. They’re 76 now.

My father just sent me an email apologizing for his poor behavior and emotional distance the past twenty years – since I left home. Then he ignored me for months. I know he has his issues.

We’re still making progress.

Sometimes it does help to talk to mental health professional. But therapy hasn’t worked for me.

I cannot believe that he still reaches out to my daughter in 2023, after he abused her and all her cousins.

It still hurts and is confusing that the family narrative is about how I brainwashed my daughter and no one believes us about the abuse.

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Eighteen

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18.

My baby is 18 now.

An official adult.

In America, this means you can vote! and buy tobacco products (don’t). You’re still treated like a child, but expected to be mature beyond your experience.

In Europe, you could buy liquor or we could have a cocktail together in a pub.

You still don’t have your driver’s license and that’s ok. I try not to push you to do anything until you’re ready.

I know how stubborn you can be.

You’re my first baby, and I did a lot of things wrong.

I hardly felt grown myself when I had you.

I was anxious about the silly things and screwed up some important things. I was too strict in the beginning. I yelled and hit. I was childish and mean.

Then I began to understand.

You’re the reason I’ve done everything.

I pulled myself out of emotional, financial, and relationship pits for you.

We homeschooled for you.

You were my anchor.

It’s a lot of responsibility for a child’s shoulders to bear.

I have lots of regrets and apologies. I’ve tried to always be honest with you, even when I’m ashamed.

I know growing up can be scary. I know there are so many difficult decisions. Sometimes, I get scared for you. It seems that life throws lots of curveballs within just a few years and it seems like you have to make all the right decisions superfast or you will fail miserably. I feel anxiety but you have to learn and make your own way. If I catch you all the time, you won’t be able to march on. Comparing yourself to others makes it worse. I know it seems like others have it made and it looks so easy for them. I know it’s lonely. Even if you make a wrong decision (like I made so, so many), you will still eventually succeed. Your success might look different than you imagine. You can always make amends, changes, u-turns. Hearts heal. You can change your major. You can get a different job. Relationships come and go.

Life hurts.

You are resilient and strong.

I am so proud of you.

What I pray for you now that you’re spreading your wings:

Voice

I love that you know who you are. I am just figuring that out for myself.

I’m learning to listen better.

I love that you’re assertive and have opinions, even when we disagree.

I love who you are as a big sister. Thank you for caring so much.

I admire your wit.

Be careful on social media.

Be kind.

Maintain integrity in everything.

Use your voice to lift up others and make a difference. I believe you can change the world for better.

Self-Care

Learn what your body needs for health.

Yes, it really does help to go outside and enjoy nature – in every kind of weather.

Drink lots of water. It helps flush out toxins and makes you feel better. Honest.

Eat well and regularly. It regulates your metabolism. You will thank me when you’re 35.

Take time for yourself to heal and recover. But make sure you get back out there.

Safety

I still worry.

I still want to know where you are and who you’re with.

I will always be concerned.

I hope you never have to utilize those skills you learned in that 2-hour self-defense class.

I know I can’t keep you safe like I could when you were little, but I hope you’re always aware of your surroundings.

Finances

We’ve tried really hard to stay debt-free. We’ve had our ups and downs.

I want you to have a better beginning, with no student loan debt. No car loan.

Debt can be crippling to recover from.

Credit cards are not for regular use, but only for emergencies.

Start saving for wants and emergencies as soon as you can.

Money is a tool like any other.

I pray we’ve given you a great beginning.

“Intelligence plus character—that is the goal of true education.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

“Now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for you being here. Make good art.” ~Neil Gaiman

While we have few milestones or coming of age rituals in the USA, I hope I made your birthdays and life events special.

This is 18 Around the World.

What seems to emerge after the trials of the fifteen/sixteen change is a calmer, more self-assured young person.  They don’t need to talk about everything anymore.  They are trying to handle things themselves in a more self-contained way than ever before.  They are preparing for their own life where they must stand on their own two feet.  Parents often are not sure how much to intervene or offer help at this stage.

The Parenting Passageway

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