Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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7 Tips for Designing With Artificial Plants

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June 18, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Opting to decorate your home with artificial plants may seem like an unforgivable decision if all you know of faux plants and flowers are plastic options which look as fake as they are.

Artificial plant manufacturers have significantly honed their craft in recent years and they now offer an excellent option when laying out your interior design. From lower costs to higher versatility, artificial plants bring a lot to the table.

Here’s everything you need to know to craft a knockout look with faux plants.

Choose the Right Artificial Plants

While there are incredible faux plants and flowers on the market, there are still many other inferior options which look tacky and fake. Make sure that you see the plants in person or choose a product with a proven track record. Many Balsam Hill reviews rave about the realistic look of their faux plants, for example, which helps you to make sure that online purchases will still meet your expectations for realism when they show up on your doorstep.

Find Unique Spots for Surprising Designs

Because fake plants don’t need real sunlight, this means you can create unique designs by utilizing plants in locations that their real counterparts could not survive. If there’s a specific plant you want in your home but it can’t thrive where you need it, look into purchasing an artificial plant of the same variety.

Change-Up the Way You Pot Them

The benefits of not having to keep your plant healthy don’t stop in where you place them, there’s also how you place them. Because you don’t have to worry about what the plant needs to survive you can get creative with the vessels you use to hold your plants. Change it up and create some truly one-of-a-kind designs.

Hide Them With Realistic Layouts

While the prior points touch on way to use your artificial plants to get looks that simply aren’t possible with real plants, sometimes you still want your plants to look like they are alive. The best way to create this illusion is to get realistic with your planting. Place them in a location that a plant could reasonably grow, and use real soil in the pot to give the impression of a living plant.

Add Living Plants Into the Mix

Just because you are decorating with artificial plants doesn’t mean you have to fully zero out your budget for fresh plants. Combining real plants with faux plants gives you the best of both worlds. Your artificial plants help to fill out your displays and create contrast to the areas where you swap in fresh plants. This is an excellent way to have the benefits of fresh flowers while also having a larger array of flowers to show off and keeping a reasonable budget.

Accent Your Designs With Plants

One of the biggest benefits of artificial plants is the ability to use them as decoration on other pieces of interior design. Because you don’t need to worry about keeping your Balsam Hill flowers and plants in the sun, planted or watered you can add them onto structures and pieces where real flowers would wither and die to create beautiful floral arrangements.

Adjust Each Plant for the Right Look

Artificial flowers are often made from sturdy materials which makes them more malleable than real plants. This means you can lay out your design, then fine tune it by adjusting petals or stems to manipulate them until they look just right, without worrying that you’re going to break the stem.

The days of tacky faux plants are in the past. Modern artificial flowers and plants allow you to create looks that can’t be matched with real plants, all while spending less in the long run because they don’t die. As you plan your next project, consider utilizing artificial plants into the design

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Year 2 History Resources

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June 17, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 7 Comments

Year 2 History: Middle Ages and Renaissance Times

It becomes really fascinating when you study world history chronologically and see how interconnected everything is, all the causes and effects.

We use Tapestry of Grace for book lists, but I also peruse Ambleside Online and other lists for a well-rounded history curriculum. I want all sides and perspectives.

We use this spine history text as a guide, especially for my younger kids: The Story of the World: The Middle Ages: From the Fall of Rome to the Rise of the Renaissance.

We love The History of the Medieval World: From the Conversion of Constantine to the First Crusade and The History of the Renaissance World: From the Rediscovery of Aristotle to the Conquest of Constantinople by Susan Wise Bauer for high school age. I learn lots too!

I go to the library about every week and get what I can.

I shop thrift stores, yard sales, half-price and used bookstores to get books we love to read again and again.

Other books we use throughout our history studies – over several years, when it applies to our time period:

  • This Country of Ours by HE Marshall
  • Our Island Story by HE Marshall
  • The Struggle for Sea Power by MB Synge
  • The Story of Mankind by Hendrik Willem van Loon
  • Magic Treehouse
  • If You Grew Up…
  • American Girl Collection and Real Stories From My Time
  • The Royal Diaries
  • Dear America

We love Netflix and Amazon Prime for streaming. We sometimes view YouTube.

Famous Men of the Middle Ages is a good read this year.

Monks and Mystics is good church history.

See how we do history.

Year 1

Year 3

Year 4

I am trying to teach real history, from every perspective. I want my children to understand that the winners wrote most of the history I learned. I love learning along with my kids and opening my mind to new ideas.

I want to learn and teach my kids about accurate events and stories involving colonization, racism, religion, and war.

I’ve read these books to help me educate myself:

Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong by James W. Loewen

A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn

It’s my job to teach my kids Truth and sometimes it’s really hard to face it and learn alongside my kids the issues my parents, public school teachers, and curriculum conveniently left out.

The Middle Ages and Renaissance time periods are fascinating and so many ideas during this time set the stage for our modern governments, literature, arts, and way of life.

We focus on exploration, colonizing, slavery, church missions and how European white supremacy created the world we are trying to salvage.

Unit 1: The Fall of Rome and Medieval Asia

History

Topics:

The Fall of Rome

Celts

St. Augustine

Byzantine Empire

Medieval Indian Empire

Hindu

Buddhism

Islam

Medieval China

Genghis Khan

Medieval Japan

Samurai

Medieval Oceania

Books:

Across a Dark and Wild Sea

Augustine, the Farmer’s Boy of Tagaste

Calligraphy by Fiona Campbell

The Story of Writing and Printing by Anna Baneri

I am Eastern Orthodox

Let’s Take a Walk through the Orthodox Church

Piece by Piece: Mosaics of the Ancient World

Step-by-Step Mosaics

The World My Church

Places of Worship in the Middle Ages

In the Heart of the Village: The World of the Indian Banyan Tree

Snake Charmer

The Usborne Book of World Religions

Muslim Mosque: Places of Worship

Mosque by David Macaulay (like City and Cathedral)

Empress of China

The Grand Canal of China

Heroes: Great Men Through the Ages

Heroines: Great Women Through the Ages

A Samurai Castle

The Great Wall of China by Leonard Everett Fischer

Literature

Beowulf (I love Seamus Heaney’s translation)

Augustine Came to Kent

The Holy Twins: Benedict and Scholastica

The Man Who Loved Books

Marguerite Makes a Book

Moonlight Kite

Otto of the Silver Hand

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

The Last Snake in Ireland

The Abbot and I: As Told By Josie the Cat

How the Monastery Came to Be on the Top of the Mountain

The King’s Chessboard

Once a Mouse…

The Prince who Became a Beggar

The River Goddess: A Hindu Tale

The Very Hungry Lion

The Wizard Punchkin

The Enchanted Storks

Forty Fortunes

The Hundredth Name

Yunus and the Whale

Ali, Child of the Desert

Hosni the Dreamer

The Tale of Aladdin

Cat and Rat: The Legend of the Chinese Zodiac

The Legend of the Kite

The Lord of the Cranes

Maples in the Mist

The Warlord’s Puzzle (There’s a whole series!)

Cool Melons-Turn to Frogs!

A Carp for Kimiko

The Bee and the Dream

The Boy who Drew Cats

The Crane Wife

In the Moonlight Mist

Kongi and Potgi

Little Oh

Mr. Pak Buys a Story

The Rabbit’s Judgement

The Seven Gods of Luck

Sir Whong and the Golden Pig

The Sun Girl and the Moon Boy

Yoshi’s Feast

Animal Dreaming

Dingoes at Dinnertime

Going for Oysters

Home of the Winds

Maui and the Sun

The Pumpkin Runner

Black Belt

The Drums of Noto Hanto

The Inch-High Samurai

The Samurai’s Daughter

Sword of the Samurai

Three Samurai Cats

Fa Mulan by San Souci

The Hunter by Mary Casanova

The Legend of Mulan by Wei Jiang

Liang and the Magic Paintbrush

The Master Swordsman and the Magic Doorway

The Paper Dragon

Beautiful Warrior

Bitter Dumplings

The Donkey and the Rock

The Dragon Prince

The Emperor and the Kite

Kat and the Emperor’s’ Gift

The Weaving of a Dream

Activities

Music from this period

Art from this period

Visit museums

Make your own book

Calligraphy

Quill and ink

Illumination – see our project

See our St. Patrick Unit and Ireland Unit Study

See My St. Nicholas unit

Sand art – see our project

Weave cloth

Eat with chopsticks

Make or go out for Indian, Chinese, Japanese food

String block printing

Origami

Make a kite

Compose haiku

Make poppycock or Bombay mix as a snack

Learn to use a boomerang

Make a paper lantern

Church History

The Church: Life in the Middle Ages

How the Bible Came to Us

Movies

Seven Samurai

47 Ronin

The Great Wall

13th Warrior

Mulan

Unit 2: Middle Ages in Europe

History

Topics:

Clovis

Charles the Hammer

Charlemagne

Merovingian Dynasty

Franks

Moors

Vikings

Alfred the Great

Battle of Hastings

Bayeux Tapestry

Crusades

King Arthur

Saladin

Magna Carta

King Richard

Diaspora

Marco Polo

Ivan

Sulieman

The Plague

Joan of Arc

War of the Roses

Books:

Medieval Paris by Anna Cazzini Tartaglino

Paris by Renzo Rossi

Ten Kings and the Worlds They Ruled

The World in the Time of Charlemagne

Eric the Red and Leif the Lucky

Leif the Lucky

The Grandchildren of the Vikings

Cathedral by David McCauley

Great Building

The Tower of London

William the Conqueror by Robert Green

A Farm Through Time

A Street Through Time

A City Through Time

A Child Through Time

A Three-Dimensional Medieval Castle

Castles by Gillian Osband

Castle at War

Clothes and Crafts in the Middle Ages

The Medieval World

Knights by Philip Steele

Knights by Catherine Daly-Weir

The Middle Ages by Jane Shuter

Till Year’s Good End

Harold the Herald

Knights Treasure Chest

El Cid

Saladin: Noble Prince of Islam

The Adventures of Robin Hood by Roger Lancelyn Green

The Adventures of Robin Hood by Marcia Williams

Magna Carta by C. Walter Hodges

Ten Queens by Milton Meltzer

The Golden City: Jerusalem

The Silk Road by John Major

Suleyman the Magnificent and the Ottoman Empire

The Black Death by Tracee de Hahn

Life During the Black Death by John M. Dunn

Medieval Times by Giovanni di Pasquale

Plague by Katie Roden

Women in Medieval Times

Joan of Arc – my unit study

The Little Princes in the Tower

Literature

The Duke and the Peasant

Favorite Medieval Tales

The Beautiful Butterfly

Celeste Sails to Spain

The Three Golden Oranges

The Marvelous Blue Mouse

Son of Charlemagne

Toads and Diamonds

Valentine and Orson

Norse Mythology

Beorn the Proud

East o the Sun and West o the Moon

Hiccup: The Seasick Viking

Odin’s Family

The Mystery History of a Viking Longboat

Sword Song

Norman and Saxon poem by Rudyard Kipling

A Medieval Feast by Aliki

Castle Diary

Knight’s Castle

The Reluctant Dragon

Saint George and the Dragon

Knights of the Round Table 

The Making of a Knight

Sir Cumference (There’s a whole series!)

Canterbury Tales

Chanticleer and the Fox

Bestiary

Saint Francis (see my unit study)

The Saracen Maid

Queen Esther (see my Purim unit)

The Rabbi Who Flew

Raisel’s Riddle

Snow in Jerusalem

The Tale of Meshka the Kvetch

A Perfect Pork Stew

Baboushka the Three Kings

Baba Yaga and Vasilisa the Brave

Clay Boy

The Littlest Matryoshka

The Old Man and his Birds

The Girl Who Lost Her Smile

The King the Prince and the Naughty Sheep

The Legend of the Persian Carpet

The Seven Wise Princesses

Adventures of Tom Thumb by David Cutts

Three Sacks of Truth

Up the Chimney

Richard III

Activities

Music from this period

Art from this period

Visit museums

Fleur-de-Lis art

We visited Paris and saw Saint Denis

We saw the Tapestry of Bayeux

Thor’s Hammer clay pendant

See or make a tapestry

Make or go out for Spanish food

Make oat cakes

Play chess or checkers

Design a coat of arms

We visited London

Learn archery

Celebrate Passover

Jewish responsa

Make Charoset

Tzedakah

Make a Mezuzah

Make borscht

Make Faberge eggs

Make Gingerbread

We went to Cologne

We visited Prague

Church History

Early Saints of God by Bob Hartman

Movies

Merlin

King Arthur

First Knight

Excalibur

Dragonheart

Arn: The Knight Templar

Kingdom of Heaven

Henry V

Richard III

Red Balloon by Albert Lamorisse

The Crusaders

Unit 3: Renaissance and Reformation

History

Topics:

Mansa Musa

see my Shakespeare unit study

The Tudors

The Borgias

The Medicis

Martin Luther

The Reformation

Books:

Lives of Extraordinary Women

Outrageous Women of the Renaissance

Famous Men of the Renaissance and Reformation

Kings and Queens of West Africa

Sundiata

Anni’s India Diary

The Taj Mahal by Christine Moorcroft

A Medieval Cathedral by Fiona MacDonald

King Henry VIII by Robert Green

Reeking Royals

Tudor Odours

Copernicus by Catherine Andronik

Galileo by Leonard Everett Fisher

Galileo for Kids

Galileo’s Leaning Tower Experiment

Galileo by Jacqueline Mitton

The Planets by Gail Gibbons

Science in the Renaissance

Elizabeth I by Greenblatt, Carrie Hollihan, Carol Greene, Diane Stanley, Kate Havelin,

To Be a Princess by Hugh Brewster

Art History

See how We Do Art

Art and Civilization: The Renaissance

The Art of the Renaissance

Breaking into Print

Fine Print: about Gutenberg

The Printing Press by Richard Tames

How a Book is Made by Aliki

In the Time of Michelangelo

see my Michelangelo unit study

see my Bernini unit study

Italian Portraits: Images across the Ages

Lives of the Artists

Leonardo da Vinci: authors – Mike Venezia, John Malam, Sean Connolly, Norman Marshall, Diane Stanley

Leonardo da Vinci for Kids

Leonardo and the Flying Boy

Leonardo’s Horse

What? series Richard Muhlberger

The Fantastic Journey of Pieter Bruegel

Katie books by James Mayhew

Pish Posh Said Hieronymus Bosch

Literature

Bernal and Florinda

Three Swords for Granada

Africa Calling, Nighttime Falling

Ashley Bryan’s African Tales

Mansa Musa by Khephra Burns

Nanta’s Lion

Traveling Man: The Journey of Ibn Battuta

The Foolish Men of Agra

Premlata and the Festival of Lights

The Rumor: Jataka Tale

Sacred River by Ted Lewin

Savitri by Aaron Shepard

Stories from India by Vayu Naidu

So Say the Little Monkeys

The First Story Ever Told

Jackal’s Flying Lesson

Koi and the Kola Nuts

Mufaro’s Beautiful Daughters

The Spirit of the Maasai Man

This for That

A Medieval Monk

The Inquisitor’s Tale

The Ink Garden of Brother Theophane

Brother William’s Year

Cathedral Mouse

Children of the Sun

Galileo’s Treasure Box

The Genius of Leonardo da Vinci

Starry Messenger by Peter Sis

Uh Oh Leonardo by Robert Sabuda

I, Juan de Pareja

She Was Nice to Mice by A E Sheedy

The Queen’s Progress

The Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser

Shakespeare

Activities

Music from this period

Art from this period

Visit museums

Learn Latin

Learn Greek alphabet

Scientific Method

Potato Painting

Stained glass with tissue paper or craft kit

Solar system model

Pisa drop experiment

Look at constellations

We like castles

We went to Versailles

We went to Porto, Portugal

We went to Bruges, Belgium

We visited Amsterdam

We went to Venice, Rome, Florence

Church History

Saint Francis (see my unit study)

Book of Common Prayer

Manuscript Illumination

Come Worship with Me

I am Lutheran

I am Protestant

I am Roman Catholic

I am Muslim

I am Jewish

I am Quaker

I am Buddhist

I am Hindu

I am Shinto

I am Baha’i

Places of Worship: Christian Church

Child’s Guide to the Mass

The Reformation by Fiona MacDonald

Reformation Sketches

see my Reformation unit study

Movies

Pillars of the Earth

World Without End

A Man for All Seasons

Becket

Elizabeth

Shakespeare in Love

Hamlet

Merchant of Venice

Romeo and Juliet

10 Things I Hate About You

Restoration

Lady Jane

Ever After

Luther

Brother Sun, Sister Moon

Unit 4: The New World

History

Topics:

Counter Reformation

Age of Exploration

Magellan

Vasco da Gama

Aztecs

Mayans

Incas

The Middle Passage

Walter Raleigh

Books:

A Long and Uncertain Journey

Henry the Navigator

Pathfinders

Around the World in 100 Years

The World of Columbus and Sons

Magellan’s World

The Discovery of the Americas

Forgotten Voyager: Vespucci

Machu Picchu

Tikal

Atlas of Exploration

The Middle Passage

Maps and Mapping by Barbara Taylor

Roanoke: The Lost Colony by Bob Italia

Sir Walter Raleigh by Susan Korman

Sir Walter Raleigh and the Search for El Dorado by Neil Chippendale

Sir Walter Raleigh by Tanya Larkin

The Whole World in your Hands

Westward Ho!

Jacques Cartier by Donaldson-Forbes, Blashfield, Humble

John Cabot by Larkin, Shields

Newfoundland by Jackson, Beckett

A 16th Century Galleon

Defeat of the Spanish Armada

Pirates by Gail Gibbons

Ship by David Macaulay

See Inside a Galleon

Sir Francis Drake by Larkin, Champion, Duncan, Gerrard, Rice

Literature

The Boy Who Held Back the Sea

Huguenot Garden

Katje the Windmill Cat

Things Fall Apart

Barracoon

From Slave Ship to Freedom Road

Never Forgotten

To Be a Slave

Ama

The Kidnapped Prince

Many Thousand Gone

Brendan the Navigator

Follow the Dream by Peter Sis

Encounter by Jane Yolen

Morning Girl

Pedro’s Journal

Secrets in the House of Delgado

To the Edge of the World

Cuckoo by Lois Ehlert

Fiesta Feminina

Mario’s Mayan Journey

Moon Rope by Lois Ehlert

Musicians of the Sun

Arrow to the Sun

My Song is a Piece of Jade

Rain Player

The Lion’s Roar by Stainer

Duncan’s Way

How Snowshoe Hare Rescued the Sun

The Huron Carol

Kayktuk

Rough-Face Girl

The Princess and the Painter

Shipwreck by Claire Aston

Activities

Music from this period

Art from this period

Visit museums

Make a compass

Make a boat

Eat sweet potatoes and cassava

Mayan math

Aztec hot chocolate

Church History

Mr. Pipes and the Hymns of the Reformation

Church History in Plain Language

The Age of Religious Wars

Movies

Pirates of the Caribbean

The Mission

Roots

Ill Gotten Gains

The Middle Passage

The Journey of August King

Sankofa

Lions Among Men

Tula, The Revolt

I’m still adding to my list. I love researching and learning with my kids.

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See my Pinterest board for Year 2 History:

What’s your favorite medieval history book?

History of the Middle Ages Notebooking Pages
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Ashamed

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure.
Please see my suggested resources.

June 10, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 15 Comments

We aren’t born ashamed.

We have to learn how to be ashamed.

And then we shame others so we don’t feel alone.

Our culture thrives on shame.

I think we have to remember constantly that shaming is one of the deepest tools of Imperialist White Supremacist Capitalist patriarchy because shame produces trauma and trauma often produces paralysis.

bell hooks

Parents are told to shame their children into behaving. Teachers shame students in class to conform. Peers shame each other and it’s considered normal, but it’s really bullying. And when they grow up, these adults bully and shame others to keep control.

We feel guilty when we do something wrong.

We feel ashamed when we believe that we are bad.

I don’t dance.

I used to dance.

I first took lessons when I was in first grade.

I loved ballet and tap. I loved the pink and black practice suits and the recital costumes. I loved the music and the counting and the French words and the practicing and the barre with the stretches. I could point my toes in a perfect arch and suck in the dimples on my buttocks to please my teacher.

I love watching musicals and ballets – live and on TV…the pretty costumes and twirling and how easy it looks.

My parents couldn’t or wouldn’t pay for dance lessons after a year. I was heartbroken. I begged every year to be re-enrolled, but they didn’t take me seriously or couldn’t afford it until I was 12. The studio really didn’t have beginner courses for anyone as old as I was, so I was placed in a class for adults who just wanted the exercise. It was embarrassing. I was good and I was placed in the recital with other dancers my age. I could’ve possibly moved on to pointe the next year or so, but I was too ashamed to continue when I was awkward, lanky, developing. I hadn’t danced for so long and I felt so behind my peers.

I quit dancing and I still regret it.

That feeling of shame rears its hot face even now that I’m older. My husband loves to dance and he used to teach lessons. I don’t even want to dance with him in the privacy of my living room. Ballroom dance and contemporary dance are very different from ballet, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I love to watch him dance with the kids and teach them the classic moves.

The only thing that should ever make a child feel small is the great expanse of Mother Nature.

Nicolette Sowder

Shame isn’t an easy thing to ignore or overcome.

Shame permeates our society.

I’ve been bullied and shamed in parenting circles, at work, in church…it’s like an epidemic or an addiction. People think shame is normal.

We are taught with shame at home, in schools, and in churches.

Brené Brown poses the question of why people feel so disconnected from each other, and she answers it with a very simple response: Shame. Shame, she believes, is the culprit: “I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn’t understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame.” (Brown 2010)

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can think of a whole number of other reasons that people experience deep wells of fear, alienation, and disconnection from one another: racism, ableism, homoantagonism, transantagonism, fatphobia, classism, ethnocentrism, poverty, white supremacy, the tyranny of normalcy, unequal distribution of wealth, violence, warfare, the prison-industrial complex, the disability gulag, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, sexism, and binarism. Just to name a few.

Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg

Shame at Home

Almost all the parenting books, blogs, experts teach shame.

We’re supposed to punish, cajole, bribe, humiliate, ridicule, coerce, abuse our kids into “proper” behavior.

I feel this idea of being shamed into obedience is even worse in Christian circles. There is this idea of a sin/shame cycle that must be beaten (literally or verbally) out of children.

At home, I was hit, belittled, told I was stupid and worthless. My parents thought negative conditioning would create in me a desire to improve. But, actually, it creates dissonance and a feeling of helplessness. Eventually, I began to believe I was stupid and worthless.

My interests weren’t important. I was ridiculed for loving art, music, literature – mere hobbies that wouldn’t offer a well-paying career.

I stopped trying in school about 11th grade. I almost failed algebra II and chemistry. I skipped classes. I didn’t see any point to any of it.

Shame in School

Schools rely on a shame model to produce compliant students.

I lived most of my school days in fear.

Fear of punishment, fear of humiliation, fear of being called on, fear of hearing my name, fear of stepping out of line.

My first grade teacher put a BIG RED X beside my name because I knew how to write it in cursive and we weren’t supposed to know that yet and she didn’t want me to show off.

But the BIG RED X seemed to symbolize a negation of my whole identity.

Teachers often seem to single out students who are different, bullying them just like kids. I’ve witnessed minority kids ridiculed. I’ve witnessed girls shamed. Schools are racist and sexist.

I saw these things as a student and as a teacher.

Of course, there’s the whole body shaming of girls.

I changed in a bathroom stall for PE in middle school and high school. I was skinny, but never had the desirable flat or toned abs. Someone once told me that my tummy wouldn’t be so noticeable if I had boobs. That didn’t help.

I also didn’t want to be singled out for having the highest grade in science when I was in 9th grade. I quietly asked the teacher to stop praising me in front of the class since I was getting teased by classmates. I was dumbing myself down to be popular. I didn’t do well in science after that year, perhaps on purpose or more likely, subconsciously.

Girls are silenced and shamed by boys, teachers, administrators, parents…and other girls.

Far from production as an ideal, it was consumption that had to be encouraged. School had to train in consumption habits: listening to others, moving on a bell or horn signal without questioning, becoming impressionable—more accurately, gullible—in order to do well on tests. Kids who insisted on producing their own lives had to be humiliated publicly as a warning to others.

 Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto

Shame in Church

The Christian church relies on shaming to keep members submissive.

Children are taught the sin model from parents, leaders, teachers, pastors.

There’s nowhere positive to go from there. What’s the point if you’re destined for a life of sin and eternal damnation? Different denominations teach different methods of salvation: say a little prayer, confess, flagellation, communion, accountability partners, fasting. Some preach that certain people are predestined, so it doesn’t matter what you do anyway.

It’s all outward appearance and makes us feel more ashamed for our failures, real or imagined.

At a Lent planning meeting at the church we used to attend, a deacon crossed my name off the children’s learning time and said she didn’t need me to do that. She acted like she was doing me a favor, releasing me from duty, but I know she just likes control and doing it all.

I felt like I was back in first grade, even if she didn’t use a red pen.

I’ve never gone back to a planning meeting nor am I really involved at all at church anymore.

We stopped going to church. 

And they are both of them naked, the man and woman, and they are not ashamed of themselves. Genesis 2:25

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves. Genesis 3:7

Why did Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness only after they sinned?

Chabad

Shame Online

I’m glad we didn’t have social media until I was an adult. I don’t think I could’ve handled the cyber bullying and humiliation I see every day online.

We monitor the apps our daughters use closely. I really limit my social media time because it depresses me.

I’m glad we homeschool, so I don’t think we experience it as much, but my eldest was bullied a few years ago within our homeschool community and online and it was ugly.

Some people are just always itching for a fight and I don’t want to engage.

People hide behind their avatars, screens, keyboards…anonymous. It’s easier for them to spew their hatred at people who don’t share their views.

We like to be noticed, named, not forgotten or dismissed.

I try to be very careful how I speak to my children and spouse. Of course, I fail miserably very often, but I try to make amends.

I don’t want to humiliate, shame, or ridicule anyone. I know too well how that feels. Words can hurt.

When have you felt ashamed?

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Words have the power to normalize or devastate children.

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Stepping Stones

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June 3, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 17 Comments

I don’t sugarcoat or make small talk.

I’m a straight shooter and people apparently find that intimidating.

I know who I am and what I want.

So…I struggle making friends.

I don’t have any.

Perhaps this is a season that will pass.

Maybe I’m just always on a stepping stone to somewhere else.

I’m always on the lookout for like-minded weirdos, but there always seems to be some hindrance to that.

We move around a lot.

Sometimes the hindrance is me.

I know I have issues.

But sometimes?

The hindrance is sometimes totally on someone else.

It’s important to be able to discern it.

Once you reach age 40, maybe you should have more of your shit together. You’ve had plenty of time and resources for self-loathing, therapy, grief, addiction recovery, getting to know yourself, parenting (even if you have to re-parent yourself), whatever you’ve dealt with. I’m really sorry about all of it, but I dealt with a lot of it too.

I understand your façade of a perfectionistic, yourwayorthehighway cold-hearted bitch hides your falling apart life, but I will not get into it with you over which hymn we should sing on Palm Sunday. It’s just not worth the argument. I will still smile and shake your hand during greeting time at church. And I like your boots.

I can overlook a lot, so much. I can smile and be friendly. But if you have severe unresolved personal issues? Then I don’t want to friend you on Facebook and have you stalk me online. I don’t want to have coffee or a meal with you. I don’t want to sit through a planning meeting with you. I don’t want to share responsibility on some committee with you. I don’t want my kids in a situation where you’re an authority figure over them.

“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” ~ Ross Caligiuri, Dreaming in the Shadows

These are things I realize:

A lot of people are lonely.

We live in a society where we’re all connected online, but we don’t know the name of our neighbors on our street. Coworkers are just acquaintances. The people we see in church each week are just a handshake.

We’re isolated by busyness. We make sure we don’t have time to slow down enough to think about our pain. Or joy. No one wants to feel emotions.

We don’t have any role models who show us how to be friends.

Our parents all worked full time and were busy too. Many of us are from broken homes. We were latchkey kids.

We were taught to fear and never trust others. Stranger danger! Don’t talk to people online!

That’s the only people I talk to!

We think stress, anxiety, depression are normal.

We try to hide our loneliness with stuff.

We constantly try to fill that hole with food, drugs, alcohol, shoes, scrapbooking, diets, throwing the kids into a gazillion after-school and weekend and summer break activities…

Friendliness is misconstrued as manipulation. We overthink it. Why are they smiling? Is something in my teeth? What do they want?

There’s a difference between loneliness and solitude and most people can’t handle healthy solitude. Or silence.

There’s a lot of unnecessary judgment.

Some judgment is healthy.

We need to judge the right moment to cross a busy street. We need to judge whether it’s cardi temperature or if we need a heavier jacket.

We need to discern right from wrong in many gray areas.

Judging others because of their clothing choices or their car or their Christmas decorations can hinder friendship. It’s silly.

Except the 25-foot Rudolph in the front yard across the street. That’s scary.

We’re all trying so hard to impress others with the wrong things for the wrong reasons that we miss out on so much.

It’s harder to understand tone and meaning online. Everything typed comes across as harsher, more sarcastic, cold.

Putting LOL or JK or an emoji after a mean, condescending, or judgy comment doesn’t make it better.

It’s still rude. 

And we’re all so good not recognizing our own sins or hangups.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

What about toxicity?

We are called to judge immoral behavior within the church.

Let that sink in a moment.

We are not called to judge outsiders or unbelievers.

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. 1 Corinthians 5:12-13

If you have a problem with someone, discuss it in love and in private.

Three strikes, you’re out though.

Don’t make room for toxicity in your life. I don’t have room or time for it.

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established.  If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you. Matthew 18:15-17

It’s hard to balance on that fence of healthy and unhealthy judgment.

Sometimes, we’re awkward.

I’m usually very awkward, especially around new people.

I kinda embrace my awkwardness now. My foot and mouth are intimately acquainted no matter how hard I try to be tactful. I’m just not graceful.

Lots of people have anxiety or awkwardness.

I try to discern whether someone is being really rude or if they’re just awkward. I really hate that whole “trying to have a conversation with someone and they’re constantly looking over your shoulder for someone else better.” That’s just rude.

Greeting time at church is a nightmare for me as an introvert. I avoid a lot of events with crowds or stick to being a wallflower.

I think it’s also true that we worry so much about what others think and they’re worrying so much about what others think that we’re not thinking about each other at all.

We all experience seasons.

Sometimes we’re more social or need to be alone or life circumstances bring us together or pull us apart.

People going through similar circumstances like to do that together.

I wouldn’t really know.

I never succeeded with pregnancy groups, MOPS, mom meetups, military wives clubs, or weight loss meetings.

I’m a leader.

I’m a teacher.

I’m a midnight thinker.

I have taught classes on single motherhood, finances, parenting, natural living, Sunday school.

I’m not a joiner.

I’m not a good student. Mostly because there are so few good teachers.

I don’t like meetings, lectures, or effing parties where I’m expected to buy jewelry, leggings, kitchen tools, sex toys, or essential oils.

It’s always been hard for me to fit in.

I guess we don’t fit a certain stereotype. We have 4 kids. We’re a military family. We homeschool. I’m liberal and progressive.

I cringe a lot when all people want to talk about are crappy TV shows or teen novels.

And I don’t do small talk.

small talk: polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters or any transactions ~wiki

We’ve all experienced suffering.

This can be an alienating situation or it can bring us together.

Maybe it’s a terminal illness.

Injury.

Surgery.

Chronic illness.

Disability.

Maybe the stress of having a special needs child.

Broken relationships.

Toxicity.

Infidelity.

Divorce.

Abuse. Assault. PTSD.

Addiction.

Abortion.

Suicide.

Mental illness.

Sexuality.

The list goes on and on.

And you know? What I’ve suffered is no worse to me than what you’ve suffered is to you.

It’s not a contest as to who has suffered more or worse.

We’re all in this together.

The church is a house for the broken. It is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. ~Abigail Van Buren

People of faith are nurses, doctors, counselors…and patients – wherever they go.

With arms wide open.

It takes a lot of effort to be a real friend.

Sometimes the next stepping stone seems so far away.

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Advice to My Younger Self

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May 27, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I often wish someone had offered suggestions to us as a young family when we struggled for balance.

I didn’t have mentors at all. We knew we wanted a different lifestyle than our parents, peers, siblings, friends.

We didn’t know where to start to streamline our schedules and get the most bang for our buck.

We had to make our own way, lots of mistakes, and lean on each other for the last 14 years. We’re still learning!

It’s often so much newness that you don’t stop to think about the stress.

Finishing up college or grad school, getting married or moving in, new jobs, beginning or changing a career, having babies.

These are all wonderful, exciting things…but they’re also very high on the stress index.

We often don’t stop to realize how all these amazing opportunities and changes stress us out even though we think we’re happy.

It’s important to have a good support network, rely on and trust your spouse, and have a good foundation about your values, priorities, and needs.

I’m 43 now and looking back, I’ve learned a lot from life and…

I have some advice for my younger self.

I should have taken better care of me – my physical and mental health. It’s important and I’m paying the price now. Is this what a mid-life crisis look like?

No one really cares what you look like. Don’t worry so much about it. Wear what you want, what’s comfortable. Do whatever to your hair and makeup. Stretch marks and laugh lines are battle scars. Be yourself.

Speak up. No one knows what you’re feeling or thinking if you don’t tell them. Don’t play childish guessing games.

There is no us and them. We’re all in this together. 

5 Areas to Address for Success:

1. Marriage

No name calling, ever.

The only time you should use the words “dummy” or “fool” is when you’re talking about puppets or pudding desserts, respectively. Focus on positive and nonviolent language, even when you’re angry.

Work together as a team.

It’s easy to get lazy and not be as courteous to our spouses as we should be. “Equality” means different things to different couples. Some do their own laundry separately or one cooks and the other does the dishes. If it works, then by all means, continue. But don’t be petty or waste time, money, and energy when it could be more helpful and efficient to work together or help each other out on something. Use gifts, talents, and interests well.

Communicate.

The 3 biggest issues in most marriages are sex, money, and parenting. Most disagreements, misconceptions, arguments, and misunderstandings involve one of these three topics.

Get over your embarrassments, inhibitions, issues, and baggage…and learn how to discuss your needs, desires, wants, and expectations about these things.

The marriage checklist listed in this article is a great place to fill in some gaps.

My favorite marriage book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Money

I don’t like the term “budget” because it’s so narrow and constricting. Most of us are a little flexible and don’t spend the exact same amount on categories each pay period. Using the term “spending plan” is much more accurate for most of us. We’re not disciplined enough to use cash envelopes each month for categories, but I hear it’s successful for some. I think most of us pay bills online and use our check cards for other purchases. Obviously, that requires keeping on top of purchases and receipts, and communicating with your partner.

I use an Excel spreadsheet to track our expenses each month.

If there are separate accounts, make sure to communicate about who is responsible for what. We have a separate account just for our rent and car payment. I have a separate account for all my writing, but it barely breaks even.

Know your income. Know the salary at your job. Make sure to getting what you’re owed. Check pay stubs and make corrections. Get the most income by adjusting withholding for taxes at places of employment. No need to lend that money to the government to get a big tax return. Most of us would rather have that little bit more each paycheck.

Insurance. Research the best options for your family’s needs. Everyone needs affordable health insurance. Shop around for the best auto and renters or homeowners insurance for your situation. And update as your frequently as your lifestyle changes.

Investments. As soon as possible, invest in Roth IRAs and max those babies out. We’re not even there yet. We’ve never been able to max them out. We do have 529s for our 4 kids. That’s a great way to help kids begin their adult lives debt-free, with no student loans!

Debt. List all debt and be honest with yourself. Student loans. Car payments. Child support and alimony. List minimum payments and due dates in order.

Food. This is often a HUGE expense and can be curtailed with some planning. See info about “meals” below.

Gas. This can be a big expense. The USA is a huge gas guzzling empire, and cars are everywhere.  Most towns and cities aren’t built for bicycles or pedestrians. Public transportation is minimal and unreliable in most places. If possible, limit your family to one car and plan well – carpooling, limiting errands to 1 or 2 days a week, bicycling and walking more. It cuts down on expenses and pollution.

Miscellaneous. There’s always something, right? We have to be aware of regular expenses and plan for emergencies. Know when car tags are due and put that on your spreadsheet. Spring is a big time for our family’s birthdays. Autumn comes with new curriculum and school supplies and clothes. Summer camps and rec sports for kids can really add up. Holidays can often make for surprises. We don’t give greeting cards anymore and we limit gift-giving.

3. Meals

Prepping and planning. It took me years to develop a good system and I still sometimes struggle.

I try to limit waste and plan meals around store sales and coupons on shopping apps.

Sure, we get bored and have to mix it up sometimes.

We sometimes throw a plan out the window for holidays and celebrations.

We seldom eat out, which saves money. We make our food from scratch which is healthier and more satisfying for us. We don’t like a lot of processed, pre-packaged foods.

Shopping. I tend to shop weekly at Kroger and/or Walmart.

About once a month, I do a big haul at Costco and/or the commissary.

I price compare and keep track of where the better deals are.

I buy bacon, sausage, and cat litter at the commissary.

Cooking. Someone has to make dinner. Every day.

I feel it’s important to have dinner together as a family every night, if possible.

As the kids get older, they help so much with meals and it’s great for us to all to work together.

I often prep and my husband grills.

Occasionally, I serve the kids earlier and have a nicer meal and movie night with my husband.

4. House

Maintenance. Whether it’s an apartment, rental house, or you own your own home, regular maintenance is important. We’ve always rented homes, but we try to stay proactive and let the homeowner know when and if items need repair. We replace filters on time, we keep everything clean, and we maintain the yard and grounds regularly.

Decoration. We are frugal and simple with seasonal and regular home decor. It took me years to find a home style I feel comfortable with that isn’t overwhelming. I’m still evolving and since we move every few years, it allows for some fun updates. 

Organization. Everything in its place. If you have to buy storage for your stuff, you have too much stuff. With four growing kids, we had so much stuff for so many years. As they grow and don’t need so much, it’s so refreshing to donate or sell items as they outgrow toys, clothes, and homeschool materials.

5. Children

Discipline. It’s important for spouses to be on the same page about how to raise children.

Chores. Kids really want to help, so let them.

Activities. Less is more. We’ve had seasons of overscheduling and find it’s better for each child to have one extracurricular activity at a time. We do family art lessons and each child has a seasonal or recreational sport.

Day care/Babysitting. Day care is just so expensive. We made a hard choice for me to stay home with the kids to save money and not outsource them to someone else to raise.

While we had a season when we hired babysitters so we could socialize, I regret that now that it didn’t really help our family grow personally or spiritually.

School. There are lots of options for education. Public, private, religious, charter, homeschool. Each has its pros and cons and your family has to make the tough decision how you want your kids educated. And it can even change from year to year, season to season, or with different kids.

We tried homeschooling and never looked back. It was an easy choice for us with moving around so frequently. It allowed so much more freedom for our family to travel and learn how we want.

Religion. Even if it’s not important or an issue for you and your spouse, kids will most likely bring this up at some point. It’s better to have a response in mind beforehand than to have to scramble and stumble with ill-conceived explanations. Know what you believe and why so you can explain, teach, and guide your kids. They will have questions. Don’t be embarrassed or shame them if you don’t know the answers. Find out together.

Setting Goals for the Future:

Sometimes, this is really hard and life throws really fast curveballs.

We’ve had our fair share of struggles and setbacks. We’ve lived through tragedies and adventures we never imagined or planned for and here we are, living to tell about it.

I often think about these things, dream about it, and set goals:

1 year

Where do I want to be a year from now?

Sometimes, we know we’re going to PCS and I make plans for our new location.

I research our homeschool activities and curriculum.

I consider our debt and finances and plan better. 

My eldest is beginning college and will probably move into a dorm.

3 years

What dreams do I have for 3 years from now?

I consider what my kids will be doing in our homeschool. 

My eldest might be finishing college and starting her career.

My middle girls will be high school age. What do I want that to look like?

5 years

What do we want 5 years from now?

We’re getting close to my husband’s retirement. Where do we want to live? What other job does he want?

My son will be our last child at home. What will his high school years look like?

How can I support my middle girls in their higher education?

What will our relationship look like with my eldest daughter?

10 years

What do I want our family to look like in 10 years?

What am I doing right now to ensure my kids are friends as adults?

How will we juggle relationships with four adult kids who might live all over the world?

How am I managing our finances for our future comfort?

How can I care for my aging parents?

It’s important to set goals and reevaluate your family’s needs at different life stages.

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Stop Making Everything So Educational

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May 20, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

I remember when I was a new homeschooler, another homeschool mom was at a field trip with her three kids and their notebooks.

My daughter didn’t have a notebook.

I kinda panicked. Should my daughter have a notebook? Was I a bad homeschool teacher?

We just came to enjoy the outing.

I’m over those thoughts now. I have developed confidence in my parenting and homeschooling over the years.

Why does everything have to be so educational?

Many of us are still so indoctrinated by the idea of school that we recreate it at home.

Everyone is so enraptured by STEAM activities, but it’s a st-r-e-t-ch to have a toddler or preschool STEAM unit study for kids who just want to play with blocks and magnets.

Trust me, they’re learning.

Psychologists and others have raised alarms about children’s high levels of stress and dependence on their parents, and the need to develop independence, self-reliance and grit…Children with hyper-involved parents have more anxiety and less satisfaction with life, and that when children play unsupervised, they build social skills, emotional maturity and executive function. ~Claire Cain Miller

Why must we have scripts and plans and printables for everything?

We speak of dreams as boundless, limitless realms. But in reality often we create parameters, conditions, and limits within which our kids are permitted to dream—with a checklisted childhood as the path to achievement.

Julie Lythcott-Haims in How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success

Stop Making Everything So Educational

Earlier Academics?

I’m concerned about the push for younger and younger kids to begin learning academics.

When I was in Kindergarten, I mostly played and had storytime. There wasn’t a chalkboard in the room. It was only a half-day program and we left before lunch.

My least favorite part was table time with teacher-led crafts and instructions on coloring within the lines and cutting out flower patterns cleanly.

I excelled with rule-following. I learned to be obedient and invisible.

I remember winning a coloring contest, which was just a printed page that I very lightly and neatly shaded inside the lines with colored pencils.

Free playtime was monitored and timed. It was very gender norm, with girls playing house and dolls and boys playing with building materials like blocks and Legos.

I’m not concerned about my toddler reading or doing math.

I want my kids to play and learn about themselves and the world.

Make Learning Fun?

Learning is fun!

Only unnatural learning has to be made fun.

Learning should take place naturally rather than with constant printables, YouTube videos, teacher-made crafts, box curriculum, scripts for teachers, tests.

I’m not interested in lessons on standing in line or raising hands. I’m not going to take my kids on a library field trip to learn how to use the library. My kids don’t want an etiquette course unless it involves dining with someone famous and somewhere in the UK.

Learning is fun when we’re interested in the subject.

It’s amazing to me how my children find subjects to learn about all the time – whether it’s an extension of our history and science reading, a video or song, exploring the creek and woods behind our house, or looking up trivia.

Coercive Learning?

Our school system is based on shame-based learning.

Children learn quickly to avoid punishment or humiliation. Then they learn how to take standardized tests, like little lab rats in a maze.

This is not real learning.

This isn’t passion for an interest to explore.

Teacher intimidation is encouraged in teacher education programs, coined “classroom management” and principals will mark a teacher down during evaluation for a student throwing away paper or sharpening a pencil since it cuts down “time-on-task.”

Coercion is the practice of compelling a person to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats, intimidation, or some other form of pressure or force.

Arguments are that society is coercive for success.

But we choose to follow speed limits, go to appointments on time, submit to work deadlines, eat healthier, exercise, etc.

By choosing not to do good things, there are typically natural consequences.

By speeding while driving, I could endanger myself or others. I am discourteous to others when I am late. My body will get sick or injured if I don’t eat well or exercise.

Grades, shame, and humiliation are not natural consequences. 

Many kids are encouraged to work harder at school than ever before in our history.

But for what?

Children now often spend more time at school and at homework than their parents spend at their full-time jobs, and the work of schooling is often more burdensome and stress-inducing than that of a typical adult job. ~Peter Gray

Intensive parents monitor children so closely that there is no wiggle room for unorganized play.

We live in a punitive society, still based on Puritan ideals.

Zero-tolerance policies create a school to prison pipeline. Students are taught to combat authority instead of learning. They just learn from fear. They’re conditioned in avoidance. The ones who rebel or think outside the box are punished for nonconformity.

When is Playtime?

A child’s job is to play.

Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children, play is serious learning. ~Mr. Rogers

Exploration boosts creativity.

Pretend play boosts social skills.

Unorganized, unsupervised, undirected play is vital to children.

Loose parts and multi-tasking simple toys are best for healthy child development. They invite creativity more than single-use electronic teaching toys.

I wonder why so many children in the last few decades are developing issues with self-regulation and are on meds to help them with executive functioning and self-control?

We’re drugging our children so they can “succeed” in failing school models.

They’re cutting recess, music, and art from schools and replacing it with more and earlier academics and testing. This isn’t right or healthy.

These are the most important aspects of being human.

When I feel out of sorts, it’s because I need more outside time in nature, more music, more art.

I see parents at the park, directing their children how to play on the playground equipment.

I hear parents warning their kids: be careful, don’t play with the rocks, don’t go near the creek, don’t get dirty.

Kids are bombarded with warnings and aren’t allowed to be children, to explore, to take any risks.

Signs are posted in public spaces to stay off the grass, away from the water. No this, No that.

We live in a fearful society and kids are suffering from Nature-Deficit Disorder.

Having taught many children of all ages for over ten years – public and private, elementary, middle school, high school, and college – I have homeschooled my four children these past fifteen years.

We need to just let children be children.

Resources:

  • How Children Learn by John Holt
  • The Underground History of American Education, Volume I: An Intimate Investigation Into the Prison of Modern Schooling by John Taylor Gatto
  • Weapons of Mass Instruction: A Schoolteacher’s Journey Through the Dark World of Compulsory Schooling by John Taylor Gatto
  • Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling by John Taylor Gatto
  • Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray
  • Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn
  • No Contest: The Case Against Competition by Alfie Kohn
  • Schooling Beyond Measure and Other Unorthodox Essays About Education by Alfie Kohn
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Breaking the Cycle of Negativity

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May 13, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 20 Comments

When I can’t offer grace to myself, I can’t offer grace to others.

I must overcome my hurts and negativity to allow my children to make their own decisions and become resilient.

I have authoritarian parents. I had no voice. I kept my opinions and emotions to myself. I was the poster child for “seen and not heard.” I was naturally quiet and observant.

I grew up in a time when I went to school and then played outside until the streetlights came on. During school breaks and summers, I played outside from sunup until sundown, grabbing lunch, snacks, and drinks at anyone’s house who would have me.

But I went through my childhood and youth in a fog.

Most of my memories are negative.

I remember punishments. I remember being snapped at, complained about, ridiculed, humiliated, smacked, switched, spanked, pushed, yelled at, and isolated in my room.

I remember being told I was worthless when my grades weren’t “good enough” because my “only job was to go to school.”

My interests in art, music, and literature were ridiculed as stupid and worthless towards a good career. I was told I should go to college for business or computers, which were not my interests at all.

I was always a disappointment.

The first few years of my marriage I had PTSD.

I lived in survival mode. I could barely cope with daily activities. Without constant reminders from my parents of how worthless and disappointing I was, I became self-destructive. My inner monologue reminded me all the time.

I couldn’t accept my husband’s affection. I couldn’t trust him (I still struggle).

It only exacerbated the situation that we moved out of state twice, I had to quit my job, began homeschooling my eldest daughter, both my husband’s parents suddenly passed away, and I gave birth to my middle two daughters during that time.

Living away from my parents forced me to confront my issues and seek healing.

It took me about 10 years to start to feel healthy.

My relationship with my parents is a rocky road.

My parents visited us in Utah, mid-May 2011, while my husband was deployed.

My son had just turned one. My middle girls were preschoolers. My eldest was the only one who even really knew my parents.

They stayed in a hotel nearby and graced us with their presence about lunchtime while disrupting our schedule and constantly telling my children to go play in the basement while they sat on the sofa to read the newspaper they brought with them.

I would sit awkwardly in a chair, not sure what to say or do. My heart broke for my children, who were confused.

I was torn between being a daughter and a mother.

It was a miserable few days until they had a tantrum and returned home early.

I received a handwritten letter in the mail a few days after that.

In the letter, my father told me what a horrible mother I was, that I should spank my terrible, ill-mannered children.

So he basically brutally criticized me for not parenting like him.

My kids are great kids. Their eating and resting schedule had been disrupted and they were confused by having virtual strangers in our house and they didn’t know what to expect. They were treated like burdens.

I still have that letter.

A few years later, we visited my parents before leaving for Germany. I figured since they’re in their 70s, I would regret not spending time with them if something happened while we were overseas.

We stayed with them for 11 stressful days.

One day, we went out to a local BBQ place for lunch. My husband ordered and paid for everything and I suggested to my mom and my kids to go find a booth to sit and wait. When we brought the food to the table, my mom literally snatched stuff and snapped at my eldest daughter to give her the food. She acted like a starving person. She acted so selfishly that my kids looked at me with wide, scared eyes, not knowing how to react or what to do. I look back and wonder if she thought she was getting out of the way so my kids could have the rest, but none of us saw it that way. We just do things so differently. We serve our kids first and then take the rest, if there is any. We would have bought more if it had not been enough.

I realize my mother suffers her own demons.

During that same week, my father had promised my son that he would take him to his barber for a haircut and they would have an afternoon out to themselves and maybe get ice cream. Well, my dad had a tantrum and left by himself without informing anyone and got his own haircut and was gone a really long time. It was so heartbreaking to see my son confused and hurt.

I realize my father suffers his own demons.

It was a peaceful time in Germany, for the most part. I read and grew and learned a lot about myself.

We stayed with my parents again for just a few days upon returning from Germany. It was a little bit better this time. We recently moved to Ohio.

My parents promised multiple times to help pay for my eldest daughter’s college education, but they lied and said they never promised that – even though my daughter, husband, and I all remember these promises. They said they would help, but when we told them the price of her tuition in September and December, they hemmed and hawed, then finally paid for both semesters – but after the due dates.

They always ask what we want for Christmas and birthdays.

Then they always say they can’t or won’t get those items for various reasons.

My mom sends seasonal boxes with dollar store items and cheap, generic toys that we often just donate to thrift stores.

A year ago, they didn’t send anything at all for Liz or Tori for Christmas.

My dad didn’t speak to me from October to February. He later admitted his feelings were hurt because he felt I only wanted money.

I’ve come a long way in my self-improvement, but this is all bullshit.

He complains all the time how they have no extra money.

Which I could accept if it were true. And no, things aren’t what’s most important.

But last year, they just bought a third car – a VW Bug Turbo and 2 brand new iPads.

Recently, my mom sent some money for summer camps for my kids and mentioned they’ve never supported me in educating the kids at home.

Wow.

It’s just always so confusing and I never know what to expect. I hate feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. And everything they send always has strings attached.

I realize they parented me the best way they knew how.

I am trying to break generational curses.

My parents can treat me however they want, talk to me however they want…but they can’t hurt my children.

I will break this cycle.

I will be a better mom, a happier and healthier mom.

Ways My Negativity Can Hurt My Kids:

Control

Every aspect of my life was controlled.

I grew up and lived in fear until I was almost 30 years old.

I want my kids to feel free – to talk to me, to feel and express all emotions, have friends, learn how they want, go to college (or not) for what they want to study, eat what and when they like, etc.

Unforgiveness

My parents hold grudges.

Loving unconditionally is not something I ever knew. I had to unlearn and relearn so much.

I have to separate misbehavior, mistakes, unkindness from the person and address the situation without shaming.

Bitterness

My parents are gray with bitterness.

They have so much hate. They have so much anger.

I didn’t know rage and hate were different until a few years ago.

Do I want to be bitter or better?

What I Can Do Better:

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to be self-aware of what upsets me, my triggers – reactions to circumstances that may remind me of abuse or negative memories.

I need to recognize covert and overt narcissistic tendencies in myself, reactions that I learned. Some tendencies that I even see in my children.

I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle I grew up in, but apparently, I’ve inadvertently passed on things to my kids despite all my knowledge and attempts to be better.

There’s always work to be done.

Apology

It’s so important to recognize and address mistakes and when we misspeak. We practice sincere apology.

When I make mistakes, I apologize and ask forgiveness. I model this to my family. 

Simplicity

We constantly reevaluate and simplify by minimizing and resting.

Things aren’t what’s most important. We have so many choices, so much material wealth. We can go to the store and purchase almost anything.

Credit cards are a poor option. We want to leave a better legacy for our kids.

Vulnerability

It’s important to me that we all feel safe in our emotions and the ability to discuss everything as a family.

But sometimes, they need privacy and I have to respect that.

While I want to be transparent, I also want to have healthy relationships with my kids and not burden them with adult problems.

It’s a constant balancing of realizing they’re maturing, growing, and learning. I have to adapt to their needs and our changing relationship.

How do you break the cycle?

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Resources:

  • Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting by L.R. Knost
  • Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne
  • The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel
  • The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl
  • Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
  • Hands Free Life: Nine Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, and Loving More by Rachel Macy Stafford
  • Only Love Today: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, and Choose Love by Rachel Macy Stafford
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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: depression, growth, mental health, parenting

Spring Unit Study

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May 8, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Spring is a great time to shake off winter blues and explore in the sunshine and warm weather!

I long for the flowers to bloom and the hummingbirds to return.

Everywhere we have lived, springtime announces her arrival differently.

Growing up in Georgia, springtime meant crocus and daffodils and Easter. I remember cold mornings and hot afternoons. I remember the scent of tulips on the pollen wind and tomato plants planted early in the red soil.

Texas was much the same, but much hotter.

Hawaii was like ultimate springtime.

Utah seemed never to get warm until late June. Crocus would push up through the snow and we would get excited for warm weather. The sun could burn our faces, but the ground was cold and the wind was biting for months.

Germany was always wet and foggy. Snowdrops, crocus, and daffodils would poke through the slush to brighten the day in late winter and early spring. The woods would suddenly spring alive with bugs and leaves and warm earthy scents.

Ohio is very wet in spring. We look forward to the blossoms of flowers and it seems to get later and later every year. Then, finally the bees and birds get as excited as we do to feel the warm sunshine.

Our Spring Activities:

  • Garden Unit
  • Pond Unit
  • Baby Animals Unit
  • Seeds Unit
  • Spring Work 1st Grade
  • Spring Nature Study
  • Favorite Spring Books
  • Rain Painting
  • Pastel Art
  • Celebrating St. Brigid
  • Celebrating Spring
  • Celebrating Passover
  • Celebrating Easter
  • Natural Easter Eggs Dye
  • Celebrating May Day
  • Earth Day Tot School
  • Spring Clean Your Heart

Spring Resources:

  • DLTK
  • True Aim
  • Homeschool Preschool
  • Homeschool Den
  • Life Over C’s
  • Ben and Me
  • Living Montessori Now
  • Life of a Homeschool Mom
  • My Little Poppies
  • Weird Unsocialized Homeschoolers
  • This Reading Mama
  • Homeschool Creations
  • 3 Dinosaurs
  • Hodgepodge
  • Homeschool Share
  • PreKinders
  • 1+1+1=1

Spring is my favorite season!

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The Last Time

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May 6, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

It’s often poignant watching my kids grow up.

I made a lot of mistakes with my first child, as parents often do. I was anxious, worried, struggling with my own demons, learning to grow up myself.

With my two middle girls, I learned to be calmer, set better priorities, love well.

With my son, my youngest, I have learned most of my parenting lessons and practice being mindful.

I’m always learning, and always amazed, thrilled, surprised.

My kids are wonderful people and I feel such joy and pride watching them interact with each other, me, their dad, and others.

We seldom know when it’s the last time as a parent.

  • The last diaper change
  • The last ride in a carseat
  • The last time she lets me wash and comb her hair
  • The last time he says, “Mom, look at me!”
  • The last third grade math book
  • The last dandelion given for no reason
  • The last homeschool lesson
  • The last driving lesson
  • The last family vacation

I want my kids to be independent and successful.

Success looks different for each child.

The whole point is to prepare them for the world and gently push them away bit by bit, little birds flying from the nest.

I feel it’s important not to compare my kids to each other or to others, but to recognize that each of my children is a unique person with gifts, struggles, strengths, and room for improvement.

We focus on healthy relationships and emotions.

I feel poignant and bittersweet as my eldest is now 18. And my middle daughter just turned 13. My third child is turning 12. My son just turned 9.

I want to stop time.

The Last Time

~Author Unknown~

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

Resources:

  • The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Proven Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel
  • No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegal
  • Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv
  • There’s No Such Thing as Bad Weather: A Scandinavian Mom’s Secrets for Raising Healthy, Resilient, and Confident Kids (from Friluftsliv to Hygge) by Linda Åkeson McGurk  
  • Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray
  • Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting by LR Knost
  • Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
  • Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

You might also like:

  • Books about Siblings
  • If I Had a Sibling
  • 5 Ways to Cultivate Relationships
  • In the Middle
  • 10 Things I Want to Tell My Children
  • Christmas with Teens
  • Halloween with Teens

Hold your children close, with open hands.

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: family, parenting, relationships, teen

Celebrating May Day

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April 29, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

May Day is the 1st of May.

May Day or Beltane is an ancient spring festival in the Northern Hemisphere. It’s an astronomical holiday. It’s one of the year’s four cross-quarter days – a day that falls midway between an equinox and solstice. May 1st is between the March equinox and June solstice. The other cross-quarter days are Groundhog Day/Candlemas/St. Brigid’s Day or Imbolc on February 2, Lammas on August 1, and Halloween on October 31. The day stems from the Celtic festival of Beltane, which was related to the waxing power of the sun as the Northern Hemisphere moves closer to summer.

Because the Puritans of New England considered the celebrations of May Day to be licentious and pagan, they forbade its observance and the holiday never became an important part of American culture.

May Day probably was originally a fertility festival in ancient Greece and Roman times.

In Germany, the eve of May Day is Walpurgis Night, and the village youth often play pranks and ours charged a toll to enter the village! They decorated a little evergreen May Tree with ribbons and flowers that is then carried by parade to the village barn or town hall. It stayed there until it completely rotted.

Saint Walpurga, an English abbess and missionary, has been hailed by German Christians since 800 AD for battling “pest, rabies and whooping cough, as well as against witchcraft.” In folklore, Hexennacht, literally “Witches’ Night,” was believed to be the night of a witches’ meeting on the highest peak in the Harz Mountains. Christians prayed to God through the intercession of Saint Walpurga in order to protect themselves from witchcraft. Saint Walpurga was successful in converting the local populace to Christianity. People continue to light bonfires on Saint Walpurga’s Eve in order to ward off evil spirits and witches.

In Hawaii, May Day is also known as Lei Day since 1927.

How to Celebrate May Day

Plant flowers or a tree.

I love getting out in the garden in springtime. I love shopping for vibrant flowers, even if we don’t have much of a budget for them. The kids and I scatter wildflower seeds for a bee and hummingbird garden around Earth Day, Arbor Day, and May Day. Hawthorn is traditional and we like to gather it for decorations with wildflowers.

Make a maypole or personal flower wands.

These are just lovely and fun for all children (and big kids)!

Dance around a maypole.

Dance away the cold winter weather with colorful ribbons and weaving in and out with friends and family.

Make a flower crowns or leis.

These are super fun with real or fake flowers. Makes fun presents!

Have a bonfire.

We use our fire pit in the backyard and roast hot dogs and marshmallows and talk and sing. It’s a fun time.

Give flower baskets.

I love this tradition that must be revived! Make small baskets with some fresh flowers and hang on neighbors doors!

Have an outdoor picnic.

Super easy to gather up some snacks and spend some time in the sunshine at a park or back yard.

Go on a nature walk.

We love exploring nature during season changes to see what’s new.

Read books (especially poetry) about springtime.

May first is the day
When children play,
And hang a basket of flowers
On your doorknob—
and mine.                   ~Nellie Edge

How do you welcome May?

Resources:

  • Rainbow Silk Streamer
  • Ribbon Wands
  • Flower Headband
  • A Treasury of British Folklore: Maypoles, Mandrakes & Mistletoe by Dee Dee Chainey 
  • Mummers, Maypoles and Milkmaids: A Journey Through the English Ritual Year by Sara Hannant 
  • The Festival Book: May-Day Pastime and the May-Pole Dances, Revels and Musical Games for the Playground, School and College by E. J. Hardy

You might also like:

  • Celebrating Candlemas
  • Celebrating St. Brigid’s Day
  • Celebrating Lammas Day
  • Celebrating St. Nicholas’ Day
  • Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day
  • Celebrating St. Valentine’s Day
  • Celebrating St. Lucia’s Day
  • Celebrating Epiphany
  • Celebrating Martinmas
  • Celebrating Joan of Arc
  • Celebrating Halloween
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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: faith, folklore, may, saint, spring

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