Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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No Compromise

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August 15, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

I have tried and tried and tried to make sure my kids know how to navigate healthy relationships in spite of their not having a good role model in me.

I don’t have any friends.

My kids don’t have many friends, and even fewer IRL.

I’m so proud of how kind and helpful and compassionate my children are.

I dream and hope and pray that my children find others who are also kind and compassionate and emotionally healthy. I don’t want them to live their lives alone.

Over the years, I have confronted parents whose children bullied mine. There were a few very scary and dangerous situations that went largely unresolved because of our society’s mantras and the parents’ and groups’ mentality of “boys will be boys” or “they’re just kids.”

For a long time I did try to give those kids the benefit of the doubt and also coach my kids how to handle situations on their own. I don’t like stepping in unless I really have to, and it never helps; it only makes things worse and burns bridges.

It’s also not my job to correct a child who is sexist, racist, ableist, hateful, or just mean. I realize they’re just spouting what they hear from parents and teachers and church leaders. Perhaps a child will grow and learn to question his family’s values and evolve into a better person, perhaps not.

I focus on protecting my child rather than educating yours.

So, we’ve had longs seasons of few or no friends and we look forward to starting over when we move, but we’re settled now and ready to put down roots.

We were excited to meet new people and make new friends when we moved to Ohio about five years ago.

The first neighborhood boy who met us when we had a lemonade stand a few weeks after we settled in seemed great at first.

No one else on our street would play with him and they ignored our kids when he was with them. I assumed the issue was the other kids. A few boys were very mean to mine and we learned to avoid them and whew, that memory is alive and well no matter how those boys have grown up and maybe regret or matured and try to make amends.

The boy seemed always polite to me, mature, made eye contact, and told jokes. My kids like him and we all seemed to get along fine.

He was never allowed in our house or backyard. I respected his parents’ rules, but I thought it was a little weird. They didn’t want to have a relationship with me and we only waved or said hi in passing. My kids said they seemed very strict and they didn’t go inside his house either, but would be invited to his backyard inground pool in summer.

I found out the boy was expelled from our district school for fighting. He attends a private conservative Christian school. He mentioned he was bullied and it led to the fight. I don’t really know details. Perhaps it’s as he says. His family attends a conservative Christian church.

He and my kids all wore themed costumes for Halloween for four years. Last year, my kids said he wasn’t trick or treating with them and they hedged when I asked why. They said he had bad grades and was going with his sister so we waved when we saw him across the street.

He stopped coming by and my kids didn’t go to his house and stopped talking about him. I thought I’ll never have the entire story and it was very sad.

COVID happened and it was hard for everyone. My son especially suffered when all the neighborhood boys still played together and even came to our door constantly to ask for my son, but we isolated and stayed inside. It was a scary time and I had to complain to some parents that we didn’t want their kids to keep coming to our door. It wasn’t my job to tell those kids why.

After lockdown, my kids admitted that the boy said some very hateful things and they made a decision to stop socializing with him.

He told my kids they were going to hell for being gay and trans – only cishet Christian people won’t go to hell. He said all Muslims should be exported or killed and that they were going to hell for terrorism; they’re all terrorists. I was horrified by this! It sounded like some old white man watching Fox News, not some 14 year old Puerto Rican boy. My kids didn’t want me to know until a lot of time had passed because they didn’t want me to confront him or his parents. I’m not even sure how I would confront people who believe these things and it surely wouldn’t matter whatever I could say.

I’m so proud that my kids chose not to continue that relationship. They don’t want to compromise their values or put themselves in awkward positions just to play cards or swim in his pool. I can’t say that I would have been that mature or self-preserving at their age.

My kids chose to protect each other.

At least there is some closure.

He has the audacity to wave at us when he’s riding his bike and we’re on our evening walks. I wonder what the story is that he tells himself. What do his parents know or choose not to realize? Do they even wonder why they’re no longer friends?

My children are 12, 15, 16, and 21. I’m so happy to see my kids making friends through homeschool activities, from their extracurricular events, camp, volunteering, and work. They’ve met some lovely people IRL that they were introduced to online.

I was so worried my children wouldn’t know how to navigate friendships because I don’t model that, but they’re capable of handling themselves so well in social environments!

It’s always been hard for me to make friends and maintain those friendships. I’m in awe that I haven’t ruined my children with my inability to be social. They’re blossoming and growing and being healthy in spite of me!

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You might also like:

  • When Mean Girls Grow Up
  • Is Your Child a Bully?
  • Diligent Parenting
  • Helping Kids Make Friends
  • What If I Don’t Have Friends?
  • Grieving Family Who Are Still Alive
  • Teaching Kids About Healthy Relationships

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, OMHG, Suburbia, Shelbee on Edge, Jenerally Informed, LouLou Girls, InstaEncouragements, April Harris, Create with Joy, Pinch of Joy, God’s Growing Garden, Silverado, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, Soaring with Him, Joanne Viola, Simply Coffee, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Ridge Haven, Penny’s Passion, Try it Like it, Katherine’s Corner, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, Anchored Abode, Momfessionals, Answer is Choco, Lisa Notes, Being a Wordsmith, Modern Monticello, Pam’s Party, Pieced Pastimes, Mostly Blogging,

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: relationships, teen

Regret

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Please see my suggested resources.

August 8, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

What is your greatest regret?

Does it keep you awake at night?

Do you regret that romantic encounter?

Do you regret something you said?

Do you have regrets for others? Secondhand embarrassment is real and I suffer.

We usually regret something left undone, rarer the accomplished tasks.

What derailed your dreams?

Where did your intention go?

Who failed you?

Do you fear?

Are you angry?

Do you hear?

Listen.

Your walls are ever before me.

Isaiah 49:16

Walls are a protective shield. They’re not necessarily good or bad. They’re neutral.

I have built up more walls than I care to think about.

I build them up. I tear them down. I build them back up.

God tears them down. People knock and try to peer inside.

I build a wall of fear.

I build a wall of distrust.

I build a wall of doubt.

I build a wall of low self-esteem.

I build a wall of anger.

I build a wall of grief.

I’m tired of walls.

When I began blogging back in about 2005, it was more a scrapbook our homeschooling.

We have evolved and come full circle and continue to grow in our family and homeschooling journey.

When I began homeschooling, I had no idea the heartache and challenges and soul-swelling that I would undergo as I learned to step back and watch my kids explore in spite of me and my trauma.

I live in that liminal space between hope and despair, clarity and confusion, resolve and surrender.

Amazingly, I am able to recognize and catch glimpses of harmony in the hell that is military life and the thanklessness of being a housewife and parenting teens.

The zen view is something you glimpse in passing and that comes as a surprise—to wake you to the moment and a flash of hidden truth.

Rivvy Neshama

The last few years could have broken me had I not stepped back to see a bigger picture. I had to learn not to take things personally. I have had to re-parent myself. I have had to give myself timeouts and rest and relearn and shut my mouth. I had to be alone in my grief and work it out inside myself.

After years of survival mode, I suddenly felt lost and alone and almost at rest, so there was too much time to think, feel, wonder, regret.

I had to set hard boundaries with my parents and they stopped communicating with me altogether.

My eldest child and therapist asked me why I stay with my husband. It surely seems like an easy question from young, single, independent women. I have never been that.

I feel that I failed my eldest child all her life, and recently she moved out and quit college. What could I have done better, more, different – to set her up for success? What will her future hold now? She’s had COVID twice. She has so many financial worries that I didn’t want her to experience.

I’m twice divorced from abusive men. I escaped. I don’t know if I would have had the strength merely to save myself. I rescued my daughter. There were situations no one can understand but me.

This man is not abusive. He’s neglectful. He’s often thoughtless. I feel I change and evolve and grow while he is stagnant. There are way worse sins than being boring.

We have history. We have duty.

We share eighteen years of highs, lows, depths, cross-country moves, deployments, births, deaths, sickness, pain, joy.

Our society encourages everything and everyone to be disposable.

I’ll stay and wait and see what’s next.

I don’t like the alternatives.

She had always thought that exquisitely happy time at the beginning of her relationship…was the ultimate, the feeling they’d always be trying to replicate, to get back, but now she realized that was wrong. That was like comparing sparkling mineral water to French champagne. Early love is exciting and exhilarating. It’s light and bubbly. Anyone can love like that. But love after [four] children, after a separation and a near-divorce, after you’ve hurt each other and forgiven each other, bored each other and surprised each other, after you’ve seen the worst and the best—well, that sort of a love is ineffable. It deserves its own word…It was so good to find that their relationship could keep on changing, finding new edges.

Liane Moriarty

I know under certain circumstances I had so few good choices and I chose what I felt was best at the time. I might even choose the same again if I could go back with what I know now. Who knows?

This is who I am and those choices molded me into this person. Do I really want to be someone else?

I can’t continue to twist and turn and lie awake at night in anxiety of what I should have done, should have said. It’s over and done and there’s no going back. We have to keep moving forward. We have to seek the blessings and stand firm on hallowed ground.

One should hallow all that one does in one’s natural life. One eats in holiness, tastes the taste of food in holiness, and the table becomes an altar. One works in holiness, and raises up the sparks which hide themselves in all tools. One walks in holiness across the fields, and the soft songs of all herbs, which they voice to God, enter into the song of our soul.

Martin Buber

I count the summers, months, days that I have with my three kids still living at home. It’s not enough! I want to go back and be kinder, nicer, more loving, patient. I want to hug them more. I don’t want to say, “just a minute.” I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to be distracted. What was more important? Nothing! Why did I think that would have enough time? Did I make enough good memories to push out the bad? Did I make them feel special? I imagine them as toddlers – trusting, seeking, demanding. I’m alone in my regret, bombarded by toxic positivity.

Now, the tables are turned and they’re often too busy for me and my heart is breaking.

My middle two kids begin college later this month and I lie awake strangling on my own doubts and fears and lack of control. Why doesn’t my husband, their father, have any worries? He’s already asleep, in oblivion. I want to shake him awake at 2 AM and pour out all my fears and regrets, but he never knows what to do with me, so I keep it all inside. I can’t protect them from the world, from abusive men, from arrogant professors, from false friends, from themselves. I make up scenarios in my head to warn them about. I feel I am running out of time. I’m late; I’m late; I’m late! What else can I teach them, impart from my own experiences? What script can I help them memorize for an unknown circumstance? What situation can we anticipate together?

I feel prickly with fear of the future.

I don’t want them to live in fear but to walk in wisdom.

(I need to remember this and stop wallowing in guilt and shame.)

I tell my kids often:

Almost everything can be fixed. The consequences may be unpleasant and people may get upset, but almost every mistake can be remedied.

You might also like:

  • Dealing with Disappointment
  • What Depression Feels Like
  • Parenting with Depression
  • I’m Angry
  • Breaking the Cycle of Negativity
  • Personal Growth
  • Advice to My Younger Self
  • Raised Better
  • Ashamed
  • Tired
  • Grieving Family Who Are Still Alive

Linking up: Random Musings, April Harris, Ridge Haven, Create with Joy, Pam’s Party, Pinch of Joy, Mostly Blogging, LouLou Girls, OMHG, Jenerally Informed, Pieced Pastimes, God’s Growing Garden, InstaEncouragements, Suburbia, Eclectic Red Barn, Simply Coffee, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Ridge Haven Homestead, Soaring with Him, Silverado, Anchored Abode, Joanne Viola, Shelbee on the Edge, Lisa Notes, Momfessionals,

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Filed Under: Faith Tagged With: depression, grief, growth, mental health, parenting

50 Shades of Green

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July 25, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 17 Comments

My husband officially retired from the US Air Force the end of April 2022, and he was on terminal leave from the end of December 2021.

Twenty years is such a long time, but also a short time.

We met when he was on his first tour – at Warner Robins, GA. It’s been about eighteen years for me. The lifetime of a military spouse.

The bittersweet of giving up a career in academia to homeschool children and keep house while traveling to various duty stations, trying to create a new life every three years.

There’s been good, bad, ugly.

There were seasons of joy and seasons of depression. There were sometimes too long moments when I didn’t want this life anymore and wondered if I could find something, anything better elsewhere.

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, disoriented, feeling out of time. Which house is this? Where am I? I almost expect my kids to wander in as toddlers, but they’re teens now. I am the keeper of all the memories since it all runs together for them. We have only pictures to remind them.

I am not a good military wife.

Oh, I tried over and over, but always failed miserably, to be a good military wife.

I had to purge so many possessions every time we moved. I regret and resent some of my collectibles and memories are gone forever because my husband was concerned with weight allowances for our packing out. Books signed by the author, my teapot collection, knickknacks, toys from my childhood, castoff furniture from my parents. Somehow, it was always my things that had to go?

I often lost and found myself in a spiral of packing materials, moving boxes, lost or stolen items, and so many broken glasses.

There’s a metaphor there somewhere.

Every time we moved, we could recreate ourselves.

It was never quite spoken aloud, but I think we all realized we could be whoever we wanted to be, sloughing off the old skins we wore at our last location and trying on someone new, seeing how it tasted in our mouths and felt in our hands.

I searched for community in churches, homeschool groups, co-ops, mom clubs, military spouse orgs.

I never felt that I fit and then it was time to leave again anyway.

Out of sight, out of mind.

No one stayed my friend.

I realize they were just acquaintances for a season.

My kids lost everyone every few years. They don’t even know their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

It’s been a lonely life. It’s still lonesome.

It infuriates me that we are so disposable.

Out of sight, out of mind.

So much loss over the years – broken items, broken hearts.

What to Expect with Military Retirement:

Hitting the Button

It was a bittersweet day when my husband officially requested retirement papers.

Military members can apply no earlier than 12 months prior to their retirement effective date. It is recommended that applications are submitted no later than 180 days prior to their effective pay date to ensure payment is received on time.

There were transition videos (TAP) and checklists to complete. It was worse than PCS checkout or high school graduation week!

Leave

I think there are options to cash in leave or take terminal leave before the actual retirement date. It might be different for various services or groups.

Taking terminal leave lets you use accrued leave in lieu of selling the leave. Terminal leave is granted at the discretion of your command.

It was a little bit awkward for us since there was six months of terminal leave, and this was all during COVID, so there were no parties or ceremonies.

Final PCS?

When retiring from the military, you are permitted a last move to whatever location you choose within the U.S.A., a place that is known as your “home of selection.” You have a year to file for this.

We chose to stay in Dayton, Ohio.

My husband finally has an unexpired driver’s license with a current picture after updating it to Ohio from Illinois!

Insurance

We lost SGLI, so we are choosing to purchase Term Life Insurance and opting to take all the precautions in case of death so the benefits continue for me and the kids. VGLI is another option.

USAA offers insurance and other services to look into and compare prices.

Tricare is still a great health insurance since we live right near Wright Patterson AFB. We like the continuity of care. We’re all in great health, but it’s familiar and easy and cheaper than alternatives for us. The retiree option has copays, so that’s different for us.

We chose to get dental and vision insurance through my husband’s new job.

My husband gets veteran medical care at WPAFB.

Working Again

While some may be able or even want to be retired and putter around, we are still young and have teens who need all the things. Not working just isn’t an option yet.

If choosing to work right away on base in a GS, contractor, or similar capacity, there is a waiting period, but some can request a waiver and work immediately if there is a job offer.

My husband updated his LinkedIn and created a résumé. We thought it would be easy, but it was not. It was stressful and he had several interviews that were a joke. No one wanted to pay him what he was worth.

My husband was able to find a civilian job in January.

I had to buy him clothes! It’s so much more work having to choose chinos and a polo and socks and shoes than wearing a military uniform!

Taxes

We chose to retire in Ohio because military pensions are not taxed. Some states have various tax breaks for military retirees.

Federal taxes may come as a surprise the first couple years with the military pension and his new job, so we’re opting to have more withheld and will probably hire a tax professional to help us navigate this year. I just hope to break even.

VA Rating and Benefits

There were so many medical appointments at private clinics and hospitals to ensure there was no fraud or cronyism. They checked every body system. It seemed each appointment was for one little thing. It took months.

He requested all his medical records and had to submit those as proof of any issues.

My husband received his VA benefits letter on May 2, 2022. He received his first VA check on June 1, 2022. There was no back pay.

VA benefits are not taxed.

Each state has different benefits based on ratings.

We had purchased our home with a VA Loan. The kids have a year of his GI Bill for college. VA education benefits are great in Ohio. There are free and discounted homeowner taxes and car license plates.

Other

We need to update our financial investments, wills, and POAs. We haven’t updated these since the last deployment.

Some of this slid by since the JAG office has been closed during COVID.

There was so much military equipment to go through, give back, donate, sell. What would we ever need it for again?

I’m sure everyone’s military retirement process is a little different, but this was our rather simplified experience.

I’m glad we don’t have to deal with the dread of deployments or PCS anymore. Our kids are 12, 15, 16, and 21. We are relieved to have a home where we can finally feel like we can put down some roots.

Onward to the next stage of our lives!

You might also like:

  • Stages of Grief: PCS Edition
  • Putting Dreams on Hold
  • Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse
  • Making a House a Home
  • I Long for More

Resources:

  • Retiring?: Your Next Chapter Is about Much More Than Money by Ted Kaufman
  • The 5 Years Before You Retire: Retirement Planning When You Need It the Most by Emily Guy Birken
  • Empty Nest, Full Pockets: How to Emotionally and Financially Prepare for Your Family’s Future by Matt Meline
  • What Color Is Your Parachute? for Retirement: Planning a Prosperous, Healthy, and Happy Future by John E. Nelson
  • The Soul of Money: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life by Lynne Twist

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, Random Musings, Create with Joy, Homestead, Shelbee on the Edge, God’s Growing Garden, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, InstaEncouragements, Joanne Viola, Jenerally Informed, Ridge Haven Homestead, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Anita Ojeda, LouLou Girls, Suburbia, Penny’s Passion, Try it Like it, Katherine’s Corner, Imparting Grace, Slices of Life, Being a Wordsmith, Momfessionals, OMHG, Lisa Notes, CWJ, Modern Monticello, Answer is Chocolate, Pam’s Party, Pieced Pastimes, Pinch of Joy,

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Filed Under: Military Tagged With: finance, military, milspouse, money, veterans

Healing Mother

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Please see my suggested resources.

July 18, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

Parenting is not transactional.

Our kids don’t owe anything us as parents.

When we expect something in return, it’s business.

My dad used to say that he couldn’t bust me in the mouth because he spent so much on braces to fix my teeth. It wasn’t funny. I felt guilty that I had cost him so much money but confused that he wanted to hit me and was making jokes about it. I realize as an adult that my parents only paid to fix my teeth so they wouldn’t be embarrassed by my appearance. It was never about me.

My parents said all those horrible phrases to me about bringing me into this world and providing me with a roof over my head, utilities, food.

“Look at all we’ve done for you!” was said often when they felt I was being ungrateful about anything.

Nothing my parents ever did for me was for my own benefit. It always came with strings attached. I was supposed to “pay for it” somehow.

I was never allowed to make decisions. It was a difficult path to independent adulthood.

I was terrified of my parents. I was never enough. Nothing I ever said or did was enough. And I was a good kid. I did almost all the “right things.” They come back and tell me how ungrateful I am – still. I’m 46 years old and I’m still never good enough.

There are better ways for parents to receive gratitude from their kids than demanding it or trying to buy it or whining and complaining about it.

I am healing myself so I can be a better mother to my children.

I constantly look for ways to delight my children. I research all the time. I want my children to be the best they can be, healthy and happy and strong. I want them to have all the best foods, books, tools, everything – to become who they will be.

It’s not about who I might want them to be. I cannot live vicariously through my kids, no matter what losses I feel in my soul. My own lost little girl cries to sleep at night but I put on a brave face during the day to be a good mom to my kids.

Motherhood is indeed a thankless and often invisible job. It’s behind the scenes. Mothering work is only noticed when it is left undone or isn’t done well (by whose standards?). Moms don’t get to rest. There are no sick days or down days. There’s no such thing as self care for moms and those who do take time to care for themselves have a luxury to pay for others to do the domestic duties or let them slide. And there’s always, always, always blame and shame.

One day a year to celebrate mothers lets our society off the hook for all the lack of community and services and actual help. For the gift of a 6-week unpaid maternity leave that we’re supposed to be oh, so thankful for! Flowers, candy, brunch is supposed to be enough to show gratitude for the invisible labor of motherhood. I never get a day off, not even Mother’s Day or my birthday or any other day.

I enjoy spending time with my kids. I am learning to ask for and express what I want and need. It’s easier now that my kids are all over twelve years old. They’re not babies physically attached or toddlers with separation anxiety or young kids needing constant verbal and visual affirmation. They’re independent thinking, feeling, opinionated, compassionate, empathetic persons!

They’re understanding that I am a mother but also a person with needs, dreams, desires. I get tired and sick sometimes. I need alone time occasionally. I ask for help when I want or need it – trying to do so clearly without whining or exasperation. I can’t expect them to read my mind. I have to teach them to notice what needs to be done and show them how to do it.

It’s taken over twenty years for me to find a voice that was somehow stifled or lost by shame and guilt and humiliation and ridicule. I was a person before I was a mother.

I invite my kids to do projects with me, but I don’t make them feel guilty if they don’t want to or can’t right now or if they say later, in a minute. I ask for my kids’ input and I listen and I make adjustments and I take their considerations to heart without getting my feelings hurt or projecting my issues onto them. (Sometimes, my feelings are hurt, but I keep that to myself.)

It’s not your child’s job to appreciate having a better childhood than you did.

Bonnie Harris

I don’t have to do it all just because our society says that’s what mothers should be and do.

For years, I felt shame and guilt and regret about my very existence. I didn’t think I was lovable. I felt I wasn’t worth anything unless I performed well – and I never felt that I performed well. I had so internalized the way my parents treated me that I projected that onto everyone else. I didn’t receive the love from my husband and kids.

I take a bath every single night with chamomile tea and a book. This is my me time – for thirty minutes alone. It’s important and everyone in my household knows it’s my time. I do try to make sure everything is in order so I can have that thirty uninterrupted minutes.

It took me years to start healing myself and realizing that my kids are healthier and lovelier than I am. They show empathy and seek relationship with me even when I don’t feel well. They are healing me. They are helping me find myself.

This is it, I thought. This is my life. And sometimes, living sacred just means being present—moment to moment, day by day.

Rivvy Neshama

I could complain and cry about how my parents don’t love me in ways I understand. I really don’t want to focus on the negative. I have made bids for 46 years that are often ignored, thwarted, ridiculed. I am tired. I have set boundaries. I have received silent treatment. My parents are emotionally immature. They are 80 and I’m an only child. I focus on my four kids now. So much of what I do is an opposite of what I learned and how I was treated. I am sad my kids don’t have grandparents.

Ways my kids show me they love me every single day:

  • Sending me memes, TikTok videos, and Instagram posts about foraging, plants, birds, cats, jokes, music
  • Making me tea, just whenever
  • Snuggling during read alouds
  • Watching history documentaries, movies, and TV shows with me
  • Riding along to the grocery store and helping (so fun with teens!)
  • Planning and making meals or baking with me
  • Planning, gardening, and doing yard work with me
  • Sitting and talking at the table after dinner
  • Helping clean up the kitchen
  • Hiking and walking with me outside in nature
  • A MYRIAD of other ways…my kids are loved and loving

My kids have been, are, and will be good people. They are thoughtful. They are learning how to be emotionally intelligent, loving, and kind. I am constantly amazed by their thoughts, words, decisions. I remember how I was at their age and I am so proud of who they are.

You might also like:

  • Parenting with Depression
  • Emotional Health
  • Raised Better
  • Parenting Teens
  • Parenting Young Adults
  • Disciplining without Control
  • What Respectful Parenting Looks Like
  • Breaking the Cycle of Negativity
  • Parenting Doesn’t Just End

Resources:

  • Motherwhelmed by Beth Berry
  • Jesus, the Gentle Parent by LR Knost
  • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
  • Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
  • The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life by Harriet Lerner

Linking up: Pinch of Joy, Silverado, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, April Harris, Create with Joy, Jenerally Informed, LouLou Girls, God’s Growing Garden, OMHG, Shelbee on the Edge, Soaring with Him, InstaEncouragements, Anchored Abode, Homestead, Life Abundant, Try it Like it, Katherine’s Corner, Imparted Grace, Slices of Life, Fluster Buster, Suburbia, Penny’s Passion, Modern Monticello, Answer is Chocolate, Bijou Life, Momfessionals, Eclectic Red Barn,

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: parenting

Our Curriculum for 2022-2023

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Please see my suggested resources.

July 11, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 5 Comments

Summer was exciting with camps and comic cons and a King’s Island membership.

Tori attended Air Camp on milkid scholarship. Akantha attended an art camp on merit scholarship and a fun traditional camp for trans youth. Alex attended a couple baseball camps.

This year will look very different for our family with only one child left to homeschool. I hope to keep him from getting too bored or lonely without his siblings!

We often celebrate the end of summer and beginning autumn and a new school year with not back to school activities.

I highly recommend the books by Louise Bates Ames. A good guide to follow are the What Your ?-Grader Needs to Know by E.D. Hirsch, Jr. His books have some problems, but it’s a great jumping off point.

8th Grade

My youngest will almost be alone this year as his siblings head off to a local college with CCP. I’m looking into field trips, classes, museums, and group activities to keep him from getting too bored or lonely.

  • Second Form Latin
  • Spelling Workout F
  • Biology
  • Math 8
  • Studying God’s Word H (I bought the whole set long ago and even though it’s a bit problematic, we’re completing the comprehension parts, but not the indoctrination parts)
  • Culinary Arts with 100 Million Years of Food: What Our Ancestors Ate and Why It Matters Today by Stephen Le and Cooking for Geeks: Real Science, Great Cooks, and Good Food by Jeff Potter  
  • Elite U13 Baseball

11th Grade

My middle two kids will attend a local university with CCP this year.

They’re taking Art History I and Classics together.

Akantha is taking freshman Writing and Tori is taking Environmental Science and Lab.

  • Tori is continuing Russian and Greek
  • Akantha is working on Latin Forms and various other languages and mythology
  • Tori continues aerial gymnastics
  • Akantha takes ice skating lessons

Tori works part time at a local grocery store. She took the Ohio driving classes and passed her driving test. We bought her a Toyota Prius. She loves the freedom and is very responsible and helpful.

Together

I will miss our morning read alouds together for religious studies, church history, natural history, world and American history, and multicultural literature. I’m not sure how to continue, except maybe some of the most important and favorite reading at bedtime or weekends.

While I want to continue our history studies and other work, I also don’t want to stress out my middle kids with too much. Their college courses will take priority. They’ve done more than enough in our homeschool.

We are on Year 3 in our history cycle. Year 3 covers some important near history and I cannot wait to dive deep into literature.

Our main text this year is The History of the Renaissance World: From the Rediscovery of Aristotle to the Conquest of Constantinople by Susan Wise Bauer. Also the Study and Teaching Guide: The History of the Renaissance World: A curriculum guide to accompany The History of the Renaissance World by Julia Kaziewicz. My middle kids complete the critical thinking questions for each chapter.

We anxiously await the final book in the new history of the world series by Susan Wise Bauer!

See how we do history. Our main curriculum Tapestry of Grace (and the way I supplement it each year) covers all the humanities – history, literature, art, music, philosophy, government.

My kids are very active with skating/roller blading, cycling, hiking, walking, playing the Wii and Switch, in addition to their classes and sports.

Some electives the kids are pursuing in addition to sports are cooking/baking, creative writing, drawing/animation, arts and crafts, jewelry making.

I don’t stress over progress or worry much about my kids’ academic futures. I don’t care about testing. My eldest three have done CCP and if they need tutoring for the math placement test or ACT/SAT, we will cross that bridge. They all three passed the writing assessment with top scores!

I know this year will be busy and different and a part of me looks forward to it, but another part of me longs for the simplicity and freedom we had when the kids were little.

It’s bittersweet watching my kids grow up and do more and more on their own.

You might also like to see our other homeschool years:

  • Preschool
  • 1st Grade
  • 2nd Grade
  • 3rd Grade
  • 4th Grade
  • 5th Grade
  • Middle School
  • High School 1 and High School 2

Recommendations:

  • The Well-Trained Mind: A Guide to Classical Education at Home by Susan Wise Bauer
  • Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book Of Homeschooling
  • Free to Learn by Peter Gray
  • Home Grown: Adventures in Parenting off the Beaten Path, Unschooling, and Reconnecting with the Natural World by Ben Hewitt
  • Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
  • Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent  by Iris Chen
  • Parenting Forward: How to Raise Children with Justice, Mercy, and Kindness by Cindy Wang Brandt
  • How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims
  • Raising an Adult: The 4 Critical Habits to Prepare Your Child for Life! by Mark L. Brenner

What’s next year look like for your family?

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, April Harris, Silverado, Suburbia, Pinch of Joy, Create with Joy, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, God’s Growing Garden, OMHG, InstaEncouragements, Penny’s Passion, Momfessionals, CWJ, Slices of Life, Imparted Grace, Answer is Chocolate, Katherine’s Corner, Modern Monticello, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, Soaring with Him, Homestead, My Life Abundant, Fluster Buster, Bijou Life, Anchored Abode, Lisa Notes, Simply Coffee, Pieced Pastimes, Pam’s Party, Mostly Blogging,

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Filed Under: Homeschool Tagged With: back to school, curriculum, homeschool

Summer Slide

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June 27, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 8 Comments

Please stop with the summer slide bullshit.

Please stop crowd sourcing ideas to force your kids to do chores and academic work over the summer.

Stop with the chore charts. Enough with coercion. Stop with the control. Stop the abuse.

Every summer, and often throughout the year, I see parents, usually moms, ask how to get their kids to do anything other than use a screen.

Are we so miserable that we want our kids to be miserable too?

I played all summer long until I began college. What has changed that we want our kids to suffer or earn the right to play?

I don’t earn my screentime. Why should my kids earn theirs?

I’m gonna go out on a limb and surely be unpopular, but I don’t require my kids to do anything to earn screentime. I don’t earn screentime. I don’t require them to complete anything academic in the summer. I don’t require summer reading.

The interesting thing is they are very willing to help with household tasks when they have freedom and respect. I help them put their clothes away and clean and organize their rooms and spaces. They need scaffolding and modeling and can’t be expected to know how to be a functioning adult without guidance.

They choose to do puzzles, outside play, reading, board games…when they’re not desperately thinking of their next earned screen minute. Screens suddenly become just another activity to do along with so many other options. There is no scarcity mentality with the freedom to choose.

I think the screen is just becoming a symbol for our own triggers and lack of control and communication skills

The only rule is all devices are plugged in away from beds at bedtime.

My kids are 12, 15, 16, 21.

They do actually notice when things need done and do chores cheerfully because they’re members of a household where they have a voice.

My kids can’t talk back to me.

We discuss options and I state my case about my concerns for my kids’ safety and health. They have no reason to be deceitful. They know that I love and respect them and truly have their best interests in my mind and heart.

I realize it’s the societal norm for kids to be monitored and controlled and dictated, but it creates disharmony and it’s so much more work keeping track. We’re not about competition or charts or checklists. We’re about cooperation.

We homeschool, but they have freedom there too. We go with the flow rather than strict schedule.

Schools are coercive, humiliating, controlling, and abusive. Students are forced to learn information to regurgitate the info on a test and then they promptly purge that from their memories. Students don’t learn valuable skills in school; they learn how to jump through hoops. Schools are not preparing kids to be questioners, thinkers, or leaders. The authorities don’t want people to have a voice, autonomy, or freedom.

It’s ironic that so many school assignments requires screens and going online.

Children only have 18-21 summers before they have to be working adults. I want them to make memories and have fun, to be wild and free. I don’t want them to dread summertime as just another chore-filled season.

Many schools go year-round and lots of parents overschedule their kids, including during summer. Just because it’s expected and considered the norm doesn’t mean we have to participate in making our kids work year-round.

Also, enough with all the tutoring and test prep.

Kids are tired. Let them play.

What does summer look like for your kids?

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  • How To Have an Easy Summer
  • How to Have a Legendary Summer
  • Stop Making Everything So Educational
  • 12 Things Homeschoolers Don’t Have to Do
  • I Don’t Teach English
  • We Don’t Do Testing
  • We Don’t Do a Co-op
  • I Threw out the Printables

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, Mostly Blogging, Create with Joy, Anita Ojeda, Pinch of Joy, Silverado, Random Musings, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, Shelbee on the Edge, Ridge Haven, God’s Growing Garden, Ducks in a Row, OMHG, Soaring with Him, Joanne Viola, RidgeHaven, Fluster Buster, Penny’s Passion, Bijou Life, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Bijou Online, Momfessionals, Modern Monticello, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, CWJ, Answer is Chocolate, April Harris, Suburbia,

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: parenting, summer

Benefits of Taking a Magnesium Complex Supplement

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June 17, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

All people should strive to live a healthy lifestyle. While this will include exercising regularly and following a proper diet, it can also include taking vitamins and supplements to ensure your body is getting all of the nutrients it needs. One supplement that all people should consider taking is Magnesium Complex. This magnesium supplement offers a variety of benefits that can help aid your body and mind.

Help Aid Mental Health

Mental health continues to be a challenge for many people. As the amount of stress people face does not appear to be declining, finding a way to manage it is very important. The use of magnesium can help with this. Various studies have shown that taking magnesium can help to alleviate stress and reduce symptoms of depression. It is important to talk with your doctor about using magnesium for support if you are struggling with mental health. 

Muscle Relaxation

Getting proper support with muscle relaxation is quite important. If your muscles are tight, they are prone to cramping during the night and when exercising. This can make it harder to sleep and stay in shape. If you take a magnesium complex supplement, you can receive some support from this concern. This will not only help you avoid some discomfort, but it can also help you sleep better at night. 

Possible Support for Major Health Risks and Illnesses

Due to the potential benefits of magnesium, many different studies on the supplement have been performed. Some of these studies have focused on whether it can help someone manage and prevent major health risks, including stroke and heart disease. These studies have found a correlation that following a diet that is high in magnesium can help to reduce your blood pressure, which could also lead to a reduction in certain types of strokes. 

Sleep Aid

Getting enough sleep is very important. Not only will having sleep help you feel alert and rested, but it can reduce stress and allow you to perform your best the next day. If you are struggling to get sleep, particularly if you are challenged with any type of insomnia, incorporating magnesium supplements into your diet could be helpful. These supplements can help to relax the body and will provide someone with the aid they need to sleep well. 

Complex Formula Supports Absorption

While magnesium clearly provides some value and support when taken as a supplement, some people may struggle to absorb it naturally. If this happens, you will not benefit from the supplements, even if you take them on a daily basis. When taking a complex supplement, it will be combined with Vitamin B6, which will provide you with additional support and ensure that it can be properly absorbed by your body. 

Following a healthy diet and lifestyle is very important. When you are looking to be healthy, you will want to ensure that you are getting all of the proper nutrients and vitamins. There are various benefits that come when taking supplements, such as magnesium.  

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Easy Summer Meals

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Please see my suggested resources.

June 13, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

It’s summer and the kids are home more – whether they’re home from public or private school, co-op, or college. Mine still take some classes and participate in various day camps – and for the first time, my middles have overnight camps!

One of my biggest concerns for summer is food.

For whatever reason, the kids seem to eat more – quantity and frequency. They’re probably growing and more active and the sunshine and warmer temps make them hungrier.

Our local libraries provides lunches for kids under 18 and I think that’s great! When my kids go to events and classes at our libraries, they are pressed upon to take the food and some of it they like.

I’m struggling to keep us in Gatorade and Body Armor in the flavors we prefer!

Since our summer schedule is a little more hectic and sporadic, I have to think about meals differently.

My 16 year old has a part time at a local grocery store and often has to take a quick lunch to eat during breaks.

My 12 year old son has elite baseball games and tournaments and we often travel and need to bring snacks and meals with us – because sometimes they’re in a cornfield in the middle of nowhere.

My kids are pretty independent and know their way around the kitchen. They can make their own healthy meals and often do so. I also want to provide easy options for when we’re in a rush or have different schedules. I’m super impressed when they make quesadillas, little pizzas, fried rice, or homemade ramen!

We love bento and other fun containers to keep foods fresh and cold for lunches and snacks on the go.

Breakfast items I’m buying:

  • Cereal Cups
  • Oatmeal cups
  • Grits pouches
  • Organic poptarts
  • Dinosaur eggs oatmeal
  • Bolthouse protein shakes
  • Breakfast lunchables
  • Croissants
  • so many eggs (my husband has a coworker with chickens!)
  • Frozen sausage links (we love the Jones brand and I stock up at the commissary.)
  • Frozen pancakes, waffles, French toast sticks
  • Nature Valley almond butter biscuits

Lunch and snack items I buy:

  • Tuna pouches
  • Annie’s mac and cheese cups
  • Ramen (my kids prefer organic pouches for quick and easy but often make their own homemade ramen with leftovers!)
  • Indian meal pouches with lentils or chickpeas
  • Rice and beans pouches
  • Canned soups and chili (Annie’s is a favorite)
  • Spam (we lived in Hawaii for three years)
  • Hillshire Farm honey ham and salami
  • Lunchables – Oscar Mayer uncured ham, Hillshire Farm, and Kroger Simple Truth are literally the only ones my kids will eat!
  • Hormel wraps
  • Peanut butter crackers
  • Protein granola bars and protein brownies – Clif, Kodiak, Luna, Kroger and Meijer brand
  • bananas, apples, grapes, oranges

What we make for dinner:

I try not to stress over having dinner later in the summer. I prefer we eat together as much as possible. I am often thwarted by baseball games and the kids’ other activities.

I’m making many slow cooker meals for when my son has baseball games or my daughter works late or has aerial gymnastics class. We can eat whenever we each get a chance, and often still mostly together.

We also do a lot of grilling (some favorites are burgers, tritip, and salmon) and we love big salads.

How do your meals look in summer?

You might also like:

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  • What We Eat Every Week
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  • Creative Leftovers
  • Real Food Cooking During PCS

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, April Harris, Pinch of Joy, House on Silverado, Sunshine, Mostly Blogging, Uncommon Suburbia, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, OMHG, God’s Growing Garden, Ducks in a Row, Ridge Haven Homestead, Fluster Buster, Shelbee on the Edge, Slices of Life, Miz Helen, Randomosity, Try it Like it, Bijou Life, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Pam’s Party, Answer is Chocolate, Bijou, Momfessionals, Modern Monticello, CWJ, Create with Joy,

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: homemaking, recipe, summer

Poor or Broke

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June 6, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

We’re living in economic conditions worse than those during the Great Depression. The wealth gap is greater now than it was then. But it seems that many live in denial with rising gas and food prices. It surely soon will become untenable.

The middle class is shrinking. The wealth gap is widening.

People say “live within your means” like it’s not becoming almost impossible with rising costs for housing, food, and gas.

There’s a difference between being poor and being broke.

Many people are struggling and broken.

The availability of credit and the expectation of debt makes many people believe they’re just supposed to be broke all the time, and it’s accepted by almost everyone.

Financial hardship can come on suddenly – medical bills, student loans, divorce, children’s expenses, job loss, housing repairs, car trouble, vet bills.

My Story

My grandparents grew up during the Great Depression and those ideals and traditions trickled down to my parents and to me. I understand and respect those values even if I don’t always share them now that I am an adult and parent.

I never thought I grew up poor.

My needs were met. I didn’t grow up around a lot of wealth disparity. There was no Internet or comparison readily available so how could I even know other than watching Silver Spoons and Richie Rick. I lived and played and went to school and suffered the lot of a child in the 70s, 80s, 90s – mostly unseen, unheard, free range. As were all of my peers.

My father worked a steady full time job during the week and was in the Army Reserves. My mother left her job and stayed at home when I was born. Most mothers I knew stayed home. I’m an only child. They paid their mortgage and bills on time. I don’t know much about their debt levels, but I don’t think they took on too much and their credit was always good.

But there wasn’t ever anything extra.

My mother certainly didn’t seem to enjoy being a stay at home mom. She didn’t like cooking or cleaning or looking after me. She did enjoy socializing with friends, neighbors, family. Times were different then. Expectations were different. Most of my memories of my mom were of her smoking while on the kitchen wall phone. I was left to fend for myself, entertain myself, while staying quiet and out of her way.

There’s a big difference between being broke and being poor. I was poor for about 2 years. I was broke for the following decade.

Erynn Brook

My mother returned to work when I was in the third grade. She impressed me with her decision by saying we could eat often at Pizza Hut. I was 10, so…

We did take Florida vacations for a week in the summer after my mom started working. That was nicer than camping weekends.

There was still nothing extra for ballet or piano lessons or any extracurricular activities I asked for. I’m still devastated about the ballet and piano lessons I longed for. I have tried to offer lessons and classes to my kids and provide for all their passions, however fleeting.

But I don’t remember eating often at Pizza Hut until 8th grade when I managed to catch a ride with another cheerleader’s family after football games. My parents both worked and I don’t remember them ever come to see me cheer at afterschool games.

There still wasn’t ever much extra.

The end of 6th grade, my mom cut and permed my hair at home after I begged to get bangs and a style like the magazines, like my peers. I couldn’t get a salon spiral perm or feathered bangs like my schoolmates. My mother controlled my appearance.

I was 14 the first time I was able to get a shirt from The Gap. It was on clearance and I loved it so much. Dark blue sweatshirt with a mock neck striped green and white. I cherished that shirt.

We moved the spring I turned 16 and I had to switch schools that next year. Looking back, I realize my parents scrimped and saved and always said they had no money maybe because they wanted a better house in a better neighborhood. I didn’t appreciate moving or changing schools or their timing.

My dad bought me my first car: a 1974 Volkswagen Beetle for $600. The summer after I turned 16, I got a job at McDonald’s to fix it up.

I was so proud of that car but it was frozen one night when I got off work late and my mom was furious that I had to call her to come pick me up. I’m still pissed that my parents sold it and got me another (newer safer more reliable) car that I didn’t even want.

I didn’t have a lot of choices growing up. My clothes and food were chosen for me. Everything was chosen for me. I didn’t get to make any decisions. That’s not a great way to become a young adult or learn how to be responsible.

They told me there wasn’t any money for me to live away at college in a dorm. I didn’t ask questions because they just got mad at me. I commuted to a local community college, then a state university. I earned academic scholarships. I am the first girl in my family to get a college degree. I got a loan for my master’s degree. Thankfully, it is paid off. I am horrified how the college loan situation has escalated in recent years for so many people.

My maternal uncle passed when I was about 19 and there was some money left to my mom, but they didn’t use any of it to help me with my education. My paternal grandma died when I was 18 and the sale of her house went into their savings, eventually becoming the down payment for the even bigger newer house they bought when I was 28.

I don’t have a home to return to anymore.

So I never thought I grew up poor, but money was always such a stressful topic. My parents constantly complained they didn’t have any. I learned not to ask for things I wanted. They still complain!

They still complain about money now that they are retired. Their retirement income exceeds my husband’s salary by more than half. They are paralyzed by a scarcity mentality.

I still don’t ask for anything. Not for me, not for my kids.

When I met my first husband, I thought he was so sophisticated. He lived in a retro apartment in downtown Atlanta. I was dazzled by the thought of independence. I ignored all the red flags. When I left home and moved in with him and got married (because evangelicism), I realized the fantasy he was living. He had grown up quite poor but his family lived in denial, maxing out credit cards. His father didn’t work at all, but claimed he was “retired.” I wasn’t allowed to ask questions. I grew up quickly from my disillusionment.

My parents disowned me over that marriage and I found myself without a car and without health insurance, so I learned to take buses to and from my college classes. I got a job as a secretary and my husband and I juggled sharing his old pickup truck. I had never had to pay bills before and it became overwhelming. We fought over expenses, of course. He seemed like he didn’t understand how bank cards worked, that the money in the joint account was deducted immediately and wasn’t there for other expenses we had. I needed his receipts (this was way before internet banking or apps) to reconcile the checking account and he needed to adjust his lifestyle to be more frugal. It was a constant battle. Then I learned my new husband was dealing drugs. I was so naïve.

When I began student teaching, I couldn’t work anymore and we moved into a new apartment closer to my school. Then after a big fight and short separation, we moved into a rental house nearer to his family. I still couldn’t all our pay bills on time, having to pick and choose which one to pay a little late or even the next month. He worked a shift job at $11/hour. There just was never enough money. There was a time I filled out paperwork for Medicaid, but I was too ashamed to fulfill the application process.

After I graduated, I began teaching full-time. I got a summer job to pay for my maternity leave. We had a baby. We both got new vehicles. Then we bought a house near his family, even though my commute was about an hour. I thought all these things were typical, normal, expected, progress. Then he hit me the second time and I left with the baby. My parents paid for the divorce and cosigned for me to get an apartment near them. More strings.

Living on my own as a single mom was hard, but I eventually became more stable emotionally. My credit was destroyed during the divorce. The house foreclosed. Even though the divorce decree stated we had to both pay the credit card, house, and the new truck he kept, he never paid for anything. And even though the divorce decree stated he owed us $92/week in child support, he quit his job, worked randomly for cash, filed bankruptcy, and moved out of state to avoid paying anything or having wages garnished. His parents also filed for bankruptcy. I had to negotiate with the bank over the truck loan and it finally just was absorbed by the lender. My credit was ruined. Credit scores are a joke. I traded my car in for another that my dad had to cosign for to get my husband’s name unattached to mine. I knew my money priorities were rent, utilities, and my new car payment. It was so hard.

I lost five jobs in two years. It was hard finding where I fit in. I worked as an adjunct English professor and part time at a day spa. I didn’t have health insurance and I had to pay cash for a doctor’s visit and for antibiotics when I came down with strep. I tried going to church and praying for direction. Most church members prayed for me to be reconciled to my husband, but they didn’t understand my circumstances. Or they didn’t care. It was a very confusing time for me.

I didn’t think I was ever poor because I had a roof over my head and food. I paid my bills on time, mostly. Even though I struggled, it just didn’t cross my mind since I could see a little progress. But I was always just a tiny step away from homelessness and financial ruin. The circumstances that surrounded me and could’ve happened are terrifying.

Paying for childcare was a nightmare. I wanted my daughter to have the stability and consistency and I believed then that daycare and preschool was best for her. It ate away most of my income. I dreamed of a time when she could go to public school and the financial burden might be eased. With her October birthday, it seemed such a long way off. There was a lottery in our county for public 4K, but that was still a couple years in the future. We had to eat dinner with my parents every night in order for me to be able to pay my other bills. At least I didn’t have to worry about food.

It’s been a long road and I’ve learned a lot along the way – about myself and how I want to teach my kids about finances and social responsibility.

It’s taken us over seventeen years, but we’ve finally purchased a home and feel pretty comfortable financially, just in time for my husband’s retirement from the Air Force. We have investments and savings and plans for the future. I can’t say the same about many of our peers. I know the statistics for retirement funds and the prediction that many won’t ever see any social security payments.

I still struggle and it’s sometimes in weird little ways. Some things still seem like an extravagance to me. I open a bag of sugar over the canister to catch every little grain. I can’t imagine not using every little scrap of paper on the roll. I don’t like wasting food.

Many of the jobs we had as teens aren’t available anymore because adults are hustling with side jobs for yard maintenance, delivery services, errand helpers, babysitters, pet sitters, anything to make a dollar. No one I know is willing to pay a teen if they can get an adult to do the same job, as if adults are more qualified or mature. Kids are losing skills, milestones, and transitions into adulthood.

We joke about people who are obviously wasteful or careless and say they’re certainly in a different tax bracket. Many of our neighbors have weekly cleaners and yard maintenance crews, but I could never bring myself to pay for those services. It’s astonishing to me that people will pay money for services to clean their garbage cans or pick up dog waste in their yards. With wealth, comes a lack of time, and an attitude of entitlement.

The Church

I have have been conflicted for years with what The Church and Christians say and think and pray about people living in poverty. They view charity as good deeds, like some point system they earn with God. During a Sunday school class one time, there was argument about giving money to panhandlers or beggars. “What if they just use the money for drugs or alcohol?” they kept asking and it just didn’t set well with me. I didn’t have the words then that I do now. I wasn’t strong enough to speak out then.

I taught a Sunday School class to other single moms with Crown Ministries on financial lessons. Oh, the irony. My partner teacher had some very different financial outlooks. She received social security payments for three disabled children. Her new husband received social security payments for his two kids because their mom had died. If she worked, her kids wouldn’t receive their disability payments. They supported seven kids on his income as a cable installer. She was very into the prosperity gospel and that concerned and confused me. When their cell phones got turned off for nonpayment, they just went to a different company and got new ones. This was a different financial perspective for me. I don’t think that’s what Jesus is about.


But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17

Don’t just give or buy a homeless person food. Just give them the money if you have it. You think you mean well but what you’re doing is taking away their autonomy and the ability to make choices for themselves. Don’t be performatist in your giving and brag about your charity. And don’t even get me started on the predatory practices of Dave Ramsey and his ilk.

The poor you will always have with you.

“What if they buy drugs and alcohol?” You buy drugs and alcohol with your money; what’s the difference? source

What they do isn’t your concern. Giving (freely and honoring their dignity) is your concern.

What can we do?

Society criminalizes the poor.

When I met my current husband, I was impressed by the stability being a military wife could offer. I also wanted my daughter rescued from her deadbeat dad. Moving out of state solved many of my personal and financial problems. My husband adopted my daughter and the child support and visitation rights were out of the picture. My credit improved with each cosigned purchase. We’ve dug ourselves in and out of debt several times with circumstances that seemed unavoidable – car repairs, vet services for our cats, trips home for dying parents. We’ve never made a late payment. The government has faced furlough several times, but we have always pulled through.

We are now as financially stable as I ever hoped to be.

I think our understanding of poverty is odd in Western society. I grew up having my needs met. I got things for Christmas and my birthday. I received good medical and dental care. There was constant upward mobility for my parents. I can see how far I have come with my own family in the last twenty years. I take for granted things now that I used to dream of having. That’s not poverty.

It took years for me to realize I have financial trauma and other trauma that affects how I make decisions.

I don’t think most people really grasp how low the federal minimum wage ($7.25) is. If you get charged $20 for a late fee, that’s almost three times the minimum wage. If you get an overdraft fee of $30, that’s over four hours (half a standard workday) of minimum wage labor.

Aidan Smith

Another interesting financial perspective was introduced to me at a Sunday school class when a young enlisted military family mentioned their WIC and Medicaid provisions were part of their income. I had never considered this idea before.

I think it’s quite upsetting that military service members don’t earn a living wage. Many families struggle and everyone deserves better pay for their jobs.

Poverty isn’t just being homeless. Poverty isn’t just being on welfare. Poverty can be a mindset.

If you pay your employees so little that they require food stamps and Medicaid, you’re not a job creator, you’re mooching off the public dime. (and yes, the majority of people on public assistance are employed).

Dan Price

I hate how poverty is seen as personal failure rather than a societal one.

A parking space in downtown cities makes $27/hour. I, a real person with thoughts and feelings, capable of suffering, make less than a damn parking space.

posted multiple times on Twitter

My daughter left our home a year ago. She quit college. She got a full-time job as a caregiver to disabled adults. She seems happy with her independence. I’m proud of her. I’m also frightened that she is one little emergency or circumstance away from poverty, homelessness, financial disaster. She doesn’t make enough to save anything. If she gets sick and can’t work, she doesn’t get paid. I’ve helped her several times with car repairs and buying her groceries, gas, and medicine. I paid cash for her therapy the last couple months. I put her up in an extended stay when her roommates got COVID. She lost her dependent status and insurance when she turned 21. We are trying to help her figure out open enrollment insurance options. I worry all the time.

I realize this is a controversial take but maybe being one blown tire, one broken bone, or one paycheck away from homelessness & financial ruin at all times isn’t actually “freedom” the way we were raised to believe it is.

Libby Bakalar

Those in power aren’t really concerned about children or their schooling. It’s become obvious that school is just childcare so parents can be available to work.

When COVID-19 hit, so many couldn’t work or lost jobs and it was a desperate time for many who relied on steady income and never imagined struggling. Many faced eviction. Our country and world is in crisis.

Too many just want to “go back to normal” because they have never been affected negatively by social circumstances. They just want their restaurant food or fancy coffee concoction for their morning commute and their kids back in school so they don’t have to worry about childcare. I try to understand this. But I also feel that our society should shift priorities. There are answers if we just try a little harder. We can look to other successful countries for how they manage social needs.

We’re educating generations of children to lack empathy.

What kind of world are we creating, maintaining, leaving for future generations? Where is there hope if we’re just retaining the status quo and not striving for improvements?

when we say poverty is violent we don’t mean because we can’t afford luxury things, we mean watching our loved ones suffer from treatable diseases, not being able to properly care for ourselves without risking bankruptcy, having to work in the midst of life altering trauma.

L on Twitter

I see the boats, RVs, and SUVs in my neighbors’ driveways. I certainly don’t know their financial situations, but I wonder if they are just a couple paychecks away from disaster.

You are closer to being homeless than being a billionaire.

It’s surely the sign of a sick society when basic needs are seen as extravagance. We treat our youngest and oldest and the disabled as disposable.

People are getting complacent instead of angry. Gas prices are soaring. Rent is ridiculous and rising. Food costs are high and I’m seeing many independent restaurants closing.

I’m angry. Are you?

What seems like an extravagance to you?

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Linking up: Pinch of Joy, Eclectic Red Barn, Silverado, April Harris, Mostly Blogging, Jenerally Informed, Shelbee on the Edge, OMHG, God’s Growing Garden, LouLou Girls, Suburbia, InstaEncouragements, Ridge Haven, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Penny’s Passion, Joanne Viola, Slices of Life, Simply Coffee, Randomosity, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Bijou Life, Momfessionals, Bijou Life, Answer is Chocolate, Create with Joy,

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How Does My Garden Grow?

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May 23, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 6 Comments

We’ve lived in this house for about five years now, purchased it two years ago after we realized we were staying and my husband retiring from the Air Force here.

I feel like it’s finally starting to feel like home.

The kids love to help me in the garden and enjoy the veggies and herbs we grow. We all love bird watching and seeing the wildlife in our backyard woods.

We’ve always rented and it’s so nice to finally have a place to call home and the kids can start to grow some roots figuratively and literally. We have no family and few friends and always feel like outsiders since we’ve moved around so frequently.

It took me over a year to get the front yard weed-free. We had so much crabgrass from all the years of neglect. Neighbors who have lived on this street for decades have stopped to compliment my hard work, that it’s never looked better.

It’s a stress reliever for me to work in my yard and garden. I love cutting the grass and digging in the dirt, weeding, all of it.

I’ve had the herb garden since our first year here. The oregano, chives, and sage does come back every year. I can’t seem to get hardy rosemary and my thyme didn’t come back this year, so I had to replace it. I buy parsley and basil every year. I keep fighting cilantro which does ok until I harvest some, then it seems to get mad and wilt or go to seed.

I have strawberries, some lettuces, and a rogue green bean! I transplanted my Russian sage and a trumpet vine on the other side of the fence.

I love gnomes, mushrooms, and frogs. I have lots of fun little statues around the garden.

My spiderwort is very happy this year! I also have a huge hellebore. I got some free Heucheras that are doing great. My lavender is coming back from winter. The irises and gladiolas won’t bloom, so I think they need more direct sunshine, so I will have to find another place for them. In early spring, we have lots of daffodils and hyacinths.

I have a small sun-loving garden in front of our wood pile, at the end of the driveway.

I got this lovely forsythia free from a Buy Nothing group. I bought two purple azaleas and transplanted some grape hyacinths from the yard. There’s also some forget-me-nots in there from seed that I hope aren’t choked out! It was so pretty when it bloomed.

I have two rose trees that were just given to me and I really hope they make it, but their roots were chopped pretty bad, so we will see.

I have three kinds of mint in a half barrel pot so it doesn’t take over. I have prolific lemon balm growing, so I may have to put that in another pot or thin it out.

I love, love, love roses and I wish I had a larger space for a magnificent rose garden.

I’ve had roses at every house I’ve lived in and it’s always sad to move and leave them. I hope they’re being loved and cared for by whoever lives in those homes now.

There was one rose already here when we moved in. I have acquired the others from our local Buy Nothing group and I’ve purchased two – a Blue Girl and Elizabeth. I also have lavender, mini irises, and a peony that has been transplanted for the third time and looks like it might finally be happy to bloom!

I also just ordered some allium that I think will look lovely poking up around the roses. They also are supposed to ward off pests.

I just read that white geraniums ward off Japanese beetles, so we will see if these work!

Here’s my first rose bloom this year – Blue Girl!

The backyard is a lot brighter after we had the walnut trees removed. We tilled the soil and fertilized it well. This is our second year with a nice little vegetable garden. We had a truckload of topsoil and compost delivered last month and that really helped!

I love the raised beds my husband made out of pallets. We have carrots, beets, radishes, bok choy, leeks, green onions, sweet onions. We have several kinds of sweet and hot peppers.

We have peas, potatoes, tomatoes, yellow squash, zucchini, eggplant, cucumbers, raspberries.

I plan to get in green beans and sweet potatoes this weekend.

In the far right corner, I am slowly building up a shade garden with more hostas, astilbe, bleeding hearts, lily of the valley, Solomon’s seal, and a little lacy Japanese maple.

The hostas were almost all here when we moved in. I have divided them and acquired more from our local Buy Nothing group.

This is the edge of our backyard fenceline and I love the birdbath from Lowe’s and plan to get a 4×4 to make a more permanent bird feeder.

I have a jungle on my deck. I bring all my houseplants outside for the summer and they love it!

I love annuals in pots that attract hummingbirds and also help to keep mosquitoes and wasps away.

Lots of houseplants were given to me from our Buy Nothing group. I also scout the clearance corners at Home Depot, Lowe’s, and Walmart.

The clearance section also a great way to get very cheap orchids and tropicals!

These two plants were crammed into one container and very unhappy and I think it was only $7 or $8. I separated them and they seem more cheerful alone.

My bathroom windowsill is full of orchids! I can never have too many. Many people don’t want them after the blooms fall off. Maybe they’re not interested in waiting for more blooms or think orchids are difficult to maintain. I don’t know. But I love them!

I’ve always loved geraniums on the front porch. I bring my big geraniums inside for the winter, and they’re happy under the dining room window, so these are about four years old!

So, the landlady replaced the front door and sidelights all of a sudden with no notice while my husband was deployed. She wanted me to paint it, inside and out but I refused. After she berated the poor contractors from Lowe’s who didn’t have the holes drilled for a deadbolt, she painted it herself, white. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the old door, which was red, like the frame surround. I would have never chosen this plain door with plain windows! Now that we’ve bought the house, I plan to get a beautiful front door and sidelights someday.

We have a magnolia and redbud tree that the kids enjoy when they bloom.

I toy with removing the boxwoods and barberry from the front of the house, but they’re quite large and I worry it would be a huge job and mess up all the other plants. I think it’s odd that the boxwoods do great on one side and always look burnt and yellowed on the other side. I don’t think they get enough sun. I’m not sure what to replace them with, and I can’t afford replacement plants that large, so it would look silly with tiny plants.

We have a hedge of lovely lilacs in front of our garage.

I’m so, so proud of our little pollinator garden.

Coneflowers were already here and I have added hyssop, bee balm, salvia, milkweed, SO MUCH YARROW, dill, fennel, a passion vine, cardinalis, foxglove, black eyed susans.

I love how all the plants are getting established and seem happy.

I enjoy working in my yard and garden and I’m constantly moving and evaluating and adding. I can never just sit and not think about how I could change or update some part of it. I love how it’s growing every year!

How does your garden grow?

You might also like:

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  • Garden Unit Study
  • How to Be a Good Homeowner
  • Consider This Before Renting a Home
  • Decorating on a Budget
  • How to Clean a House
  • Minimizing
  • Canning and Preserving with Kids

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, April Harris, Pinch of Joy, Mostly Blogging, Create with Joy, Silverado, Anita Ojeda, InstaEncouragements, Suburbia, Across the Blvd, Jenerally Informed, God’s Growing Garden, LouLou Girls, OMHG, Stroll Thru Life, Shelbee on the Edge, Fluster Buster, Ducks in a Row. Ridge Haven, Soaring with Him, My Wee Abode, Try it Like it, Penny’s Passion, Good Random Fun, Slices of Life, Pam’s Party, Bijou Life, Momfessionals, ArtfulMom, Bijou Life, Answer is Chocolate, Building our Hive, Modern Monticello, Random Musings,

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: garden, homemaking

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