I see so many posts on social media and I hear so many conversations among parents about controlling their children.

While some parents really do want to control their kids, others realize the language and systems we learned about behavior and child development and parenting – and have used or are using – just aren’t the best methods, don’t really work, and destroy relationships with our families.

Most of us envision having our adult children over for tea or family meals, maybe vacations to the beach, or camping. We want to be there and have fun with our future grandkids.

That begins now while our children are young. We’re building an empire of love and respect now, or tearing down the future generations.

If, in a relationship we feel we have to do what another demands in order to keep them happy, the casualty is our own true self. It is not easy to love the “self” if we have lost our Authentic Self to a dysfunctional power dynamic. This is as true for toddlers and children as it is for teens and for us.

~Viktorija Bert

Discipline is literally teaching disciples.

It’s more like coaching, guiding, walking alongside and learning together. It’s gentle, respectful, kind, loving.

Control is easy when kids are very young. It’s not so easy as kids grow up and learn to think for themselves.

Control is about power.

Power Over vs. Power With:

Using power over others is a form of violence.

We exercise power over others without their consent. When we use power over others, we come from a place that what we believe or want to do is right. As a result of our “rightness” we don’t believe consent is necessary. We think we know better, we have more experience, and we are right.

Using power over others isolates us. Power over stops communication in its tracks. It disconnects us from the other person. It comes from a place of scarcity and it is fear-based.

For example, we often use power over children when we feel there isn’t enough time, money, space, patience, or whatever we believe is scarce in our lives.

This is a place of scarcity and fear that drives us to disconnect. We believe we don’t have enough of whatever we need to listen to or discover what is happening for the child.

Instead let’s consider power with other:

• Power with creates mutuality and respect. When we operate from a place of power with, we create a space where each person matters. Power with opens up the possibility of both sides (people) being influenced and changed by the other person.
• Power with is grounded in a place of knowing that the relationship with the other person is paramount. Power with equalizes the power dynamics built into our culture and society. It allows for those who have not been heard to be seen and heard.
• Power with recognizes that each individual makes a difference and can change the course of events.

Source: Parenting for Social Change

Kids desire to please parents. They want to work with us and are confused when nothing they do seems right.

Kids learn to avoid harsh words and punishments. They learn to lie.

When kids get older, they learn how to deceive, lie, and avoid angry parents. Teens often rebel because they don’t have any choices.

This trauma-induced lifestyle stays with kids through adulthood. It often exhibits itself in chronic physical illness.

I wish I had known sooner and started practicing gentler parenting sooner.

My eldest child and I had a hard time growing up together. My middle girls only experience me as an angry mom for a few years, but that was too long and I see it in their anxiety and shyness. It took a long time to heal us and I’m still working hard on that. My son has never know me as a harsh parent and he flourishes.

We can do better as parents.

Don’t stifle your child.

1. Don’t overschedule.
2. Give them real responsibility with chores.
3. Allow them to resolve conflict.
4. Let them to make choices.
5. Don’t be overly critical.
6. Don’t be overprotective.

I don’t keep tabs on my kids with smart devices with GPS to monitor them. They purchase their own smartphone when they get jobs to afford it and need it when they become more independent and involved with activities away from the house.

I don’t touch my kids without their consent and never in anger or frustration.

We practice nonviolent communication. If I raise my voice, I apologize.

I don’t critique what or when they eat except to tell them when it’s close to mealtime or to offer additional nutrition to supplement.

I help them make wise decisions by offering information so they learn to make good choices without being constantly told what to do.

Self-Control

As a parent, I have to model self-control and help my child to learn it. This is co-regulation. I have to re-parent myself in order to be a better parent to my kids.

• Modeling self-control
• Anger Management
• Obedience is not Wisdom
• My Family Goals
• Respectful Parenting
• Respectful Parenting During the Holidays

Natural Helpers

We have to get our outside time very day and stay healthy by building our immunity. Physical health affect mental health and vice versa.

• Nature Exposure
• Exercise
• Sunshine and Fresh Air
• Getting enough rest and sleep
• Supplements like Vitamin D
• Essential oils

Leadership

We practice servant leadership in our home and I encourage my kids to be peacemakers.

• The SERVE Model
• Servant Leaders
• How to Apologize

Attachment

My children are supposed to be attached to their parents. I set clear boundaries as my kids get older and more independent, but I am pleased they seek me out to help when they need it.

• Lesson from Noah
• Authentic Parenting
• Love Languages for Kids
• Healthy Relationships
• Emotional Health

I want to have healthy relationships with my kids as they grow up.

Book Resources:

• Screenwise by Devorah Heitner
• Raising Humans in a Digital World: Helping Kids Build a Healthy Relationship with Technology by Diana Graber
• Raising a Screen-Smart Kid: Embrace the Good and Avoid the Bad in the Digital Age by Julianna Miner
• Viral Parenting: A Guide to Setting Boundaries, Building Trust, and Raising Responsible Kids in an Online World by Mindy McKnight
• Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction Is Hijacking Our Kids – and How to Break the Trance by Nichola Kardaras
• Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv
• Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
• The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl 
• Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman
• How Children Learn by John Holt
• Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray
• Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident, and Capable Children by Angela J. Hanscom
• Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne
• Free-Range Kids: How Parents and Teachers Can Let Go and Let Grow by Lenore Skenazy
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD 
• Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté  
• The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté 

Why can’t children have preferences?

Why won’t adults respect a child’s preferences?

Why can adults have preferences and no one bats an eye?

I’m sure you have strong preferences for some things and you won’t budge on them. Do you sneer at a child’s preferences?

The child who is 100% obedient is not socialised. As great as we think it might be to have our children do as we say without question, it isn’t. We don’t want to raise our children so that they don’t question things. That’s “sheep farming,” not parenting.

Pennie Brownlee

Children aren’t treated like people.

Coercion is about control.

I overhear parents with their kids at sports practices and games, restaurants, medical waiting rooms, and parks. I’m often horrified at how parents speak to their children. They don’t talk to their spouses or other adults that way!

I know which of my children prefers broccoli over carrots. I know who doesn’t like pork and black pepper. I know which colors they like. I know their favorite cups and plates.

I respect them.

A child treated with respect won’t have to spend their adulthood learning they are worthy of it.

A. Simeone

No one expects me to eat something I don’t like. No one ridicules or cajoles me to “try just a bite.” No one expects me to wear a yellow shirt, even if it was a gift. I don’t think I look good in yellow. I’m an adult and I won’t tolerate being treated like that. How would I talk down to a child like that?

I listen.

There’s really no such thing as the “voiceless.” There are only the deliberately silenced, or the preferably unheard.

Arundhati Roy

We work together.

Family dynamics can sometimes be difficult with six individual people.

While respect works best from the beginning, when children are very young, it’s not too late to make amends with older kids and teens.

Parenting Styles

Early work by Baldwin and colleagues (Baldwin, Kalhoun, & Breese,
1945) proposed three styles of parenting: democratic, authoritarian, and laissez-faire.

Williams (1958) created the dual axes and Straus (1964) introduced the four quadrants. Shaefer (1965) expanded on the details.

There are Five Parenting Styles based on the Olson Circumplex Model (2011): Balanced, Uninvolved, Permissive, Strict, Overbearing.

Diana Baumrind created a commonly-referenced categorization of three parenting styles in the 1960s and expanded in the 1980s and again recently.

In the early 1980s, Baumrind’s parenting style model based on Hegel was expanded using a two-dimensional framework parental responsiveness and parental demandingness by researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. They further fleshed out Baumrind’s permissive parenting to create a separate offshoot — uninvolved parenting, also known as neglectful parenting.

1. Authoritarian Parenting is defined as the adult gets their needs met at the expense of the child. (Parent gets their way. Strict and harsh.)
2. Authoritative Parenting is defined as responsive to the child’s needs while maintaining limits and consistency in enforcing boundaries. Consistency.
3. Permissive Parenting is defined as the child gets their needs met at the expense of the parent. (Child gets their way. Parent doesn’t say no.)
4. Uninvolved Parenting is defined indifferent to children’s needs and uninvolved in their lives. Neglect.

Baumrind’s (2013) typology has come to include seven parenting styles:

1. authoritarian (low responsiveness, high demandingness),
2. authoritative (high responsiveness, high demandingness),
3. disengaged (low responsiveness, low demandingness),
4. permissive (high responsiveness, low demandingness),
5. directive (average responsiveness, high demandingness),
6. good enough (average responsiveness, average demandingness), and
7. democratic (high responsiveness, average demandingness).

Dr. John Gottman performed a detailed laboratory examination of children whose parents interacted with their emotions in various styles. The research identified four “types” of parents that reflected parenting stereotypes we often learn ourselves, or from our peers, as children.

1. The Dismissing Parent disengages, ridicules or curbs all negative emotions, feels uncertainty and fears feeling out of control, uses distraction techniques, feels that emotions are toxic or unhealthy, uses the passage of time as a cure-all replacement for problem solving.

• Effects: Children learn that there is something wrong with them, cannot regulate their emotions, feel that what they are feeling is not appropriate, not right, and abnormal.

2. The Disapproving Parent is similar to the dismissing parent but more negative, judgmental and critical, controlling, manipulative, authoritative, overly concerned with discipline and strangely unconcerned with the meaning of a child’s emotional expression.

• Effects: Similar to the dismissing parenting techniques.

3. The Laissez- Faire Parent is endlessly permissive, offers little to no guidance about problem solving or understanding emotions, does not set any limits on behavior, encourages “riding out” of emotions until they are out of the way and out of sight.

• Effects: Kids can’t concentrate, can’t get along with other others or form friendships, can’t regulate their emotions in a healthy way.

4. The Emotion Coaching Parent is identified by Dr. Gottman but not a common stereotype, perhaps because it isn’t negative, or because when we were kids, playing with kids, they didn’t really understand what made their parents so “good.” This “good” parent is what Dr. Gottman calls The Emotion Coach. When you look back on memories of your own childhood, you may recognize that some of the strategies below were used by your parents when you felt the closest to them – when you felt that they could really relate to you, when you were truly understood.

• Effects: Your child’s mastery of understanding and regulating their emotions will help them to succeed in life in a myriad of different ways – they will be more self-confident, perform better in social and academic situations, and even become physically healthier.

The five essential steps of Emotion Coaching:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotion
2. Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
4. Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
5. Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately

I like aspects of Balanced, Democratic, or Authoritative, but I want to take it further. Gottman really gets it with his idea “emotion coaching” parents.

Respectful or Positive Parenting can be defined as both child and parent being able to meet their needs in a way that is acceptable to both. While many seem to think this is too permissive or perhaps even neglectful, it’s based on mutual respect with a parent setting healthy boundaries. It is beyond authoritative style by respecting a child’s need emotions as an equally important person.

Parenting styles typically refer to the types of discipline parents hand out to children.

Parenting styles are perhaps easily compared to leadership styles. We’ve all worked for horrible bosses or appreciated good leadership.

Leadership Styles

• Autocratic Leadership relies on coercion, and its style is paternalism, arbitrariness, command, and compliance. The autocratic leader gives orders which must be obeyed by the subordinates. He determines policies for the group without consulting them and does not give detailed information about plans, but simply tells the group what immediate steps they must take.
• Democratic or Participative Leadership is a managerial style that invites input from employees on all or most company decisions. The staff is given pertinent information regarding company issues, and a majority vote determines the course of action the company will take.
• Free-Rein or Laissez-Faire Leadership allows maximum freedom to followers and gives employees a high degree of independence in their operations. A free rein leader completely abdicates his leadership position, to give all responsibility of most of the work entrusted to him to the group which he is supposed to lead, limiting his authority to maintain the contact of the group with persons outside the group.
• Paternalistic Leadership is when the leader assumes that his function is paternal or fatherly. His attitude is that of treating the relationship between the leader and the group as that of a family with the leader as the head of the family. He works to help, guide, protect, and keep his followers happily working together as members of a family. He provides them with good working conditions and employee services.
• Benevolent Leadership is committed to making society better both inside and outside their organizations. Benevolent leaders are servant leaders, approachable and accessible. 

Many of us grew up with authoritarian parents and autocratic leadership.

We need to shift the paradigm to respect and benevolence.

What Respectful Parenting is NOT:

• Permissive
• Neglect
• Conditional
• Blind Obedience
• Punishment
• Coercive
• Humiliating

What is Respectful Parenting?

• Empathy
• Validation
• Connection
• Acceptance
• Relationship
• Preferences
• Modeling

It took a lot of work for me to shift my parenting style. Since I had no models to show me the way, I had to work it through by trial and error.

I see how my parenting mistakes affected my eldest child. I see how my harshness hurt my middle girls.

My son never experienced any of that and he flourishes.

What would my girls be like if I had respected them from day 1?

I love this: 15 Habits of Respectful Parents

How I have changed my parenting:

I seldom say no without an explanation. I redirect. I offer alternatives. I explain why something might be a bad idea at this time. I ask questions to help my child with critical thinking.

We don’t make our kids share. They work out how to take turns by themselves.

We don’t force them to say please or thank you. But kids are so empathetic and they remind me to say it!

I don’t force my kids to express affection. This teaches consent.

Every person has preferences and we try to defer to everyone with different tastes, but we also have to all work together for harmony. There’s always something at mealtime that everyone likes.

We discuss courtesy and expectations. We discuss feelings. We teach empathy.

How you tend to your child’s feelings now is how they will do it for themselves later.

Chanelle Sowden

A positive approach seeks both to understand and coach the child while maintaining healthy boundaries.

I don’t desire to break my children’s wills.

Many Christian parenting materials encourage parents to break kids with physical violence and humiliation into blind obedience and this causes many problems later, and the trauma of abuse.

School models encourage teachers to maintain classroom management with shame, humiliation, and threats.

I want authentic relationship with my children. I want my kids to have the freedom to say no, talk back, and question so we can discuss cause and effect.

I am proactive and clearly state my expectations and why. My kids are welcome to politely argue. Sometimes I change my mind or we work for a compromise together.

It’s about give and take. It’s about respect.

I want my kids to learn how to make wise decisions, so they must be able to make poor choices and learn from them.

This doesn’t mean I don’t protect my kids. If they choose not to bring a coat when it’s cold or to wear dressy sandals for a hike, I ask if they think that’s wise and then I toss a coat or extra shoes in the car just in case.

We don’t use punishment as a parenting tool. I would never make writing a punishment. Natural consequences are enough. I use positive reinforcement and guide my kids to develop their own internal motivation and self control.

I use my life experience to guide my kids while allowing them to maintain autonomy.

Screen Positive Parents:  

We have no limits on screentime or arbitrary rules about technology and I don’t police my kids. Devices go to the charging station at bedtime. We do turn off the Wi-Fi by midnight so we all sleep better.

Screen positive parenting is a way to celebrate with our kids their love of technology while honoring our concerns.

1. Recognize that technologies such as computers, devices, games, and shows are a valuable part of modern life.
2. Value the joy and learning and opportunity that screens can bring.
3. Honor the rights of children to access this technology so prevalent in society. 
4. Be critical of the way consumerist society has harnessed media to advertise to children and wishing to protect our children’s rights to be free from marketing.
5. Challenge the societal norms and prejudices present in much children’s media (such as kids’ shows being overly male, overly white, overly hetero, and physically normative).
6. Understand the vast resources poured into manipulating children to spend more time on screen technology.

Screen Positive Parenting: the Parent Allies Guide to Screentime

Source: Parent Allies

Think about that for a moment. I am not the police. I am a parent.

This is not my job.

I encourage my kids to budget their own time and set their own limits and develop their own self control. Sometimes, they learn the hard way when the teen stays up too late and has to work the next morning.

No one polices me on the computer or tablet and I know I have tasks to complete for a smooth running household and home business.

We discuss inappropriate memes, sites, apps and our kids ages 13-18 have private social media accounts and certain guidelines for their protection.

My kids know what they should do and they do it with few reminders. But as a parent, coach, guide…I do remind them and I try not to nag. I am teaching them executive function.

I am my kids’ partner in learning how to human.

Society would rather see “well behaved” children than bold, vulnerable, honest, open, vibrant, curious, FREE children, because those children grow up knowing their power and free people are dangerous to a society that values compliance over happiness.

Oppressed To Oppressor

Common Parenting Issues

What about hitting?

It’s never ok. I am a pacifist, nonviolent advocate. Hitting is usually about not having the language to express frustration. I help by having a time-in until the child is ready to vent in a healthier way.

What about tantrums?

This is communication. It’s the parent’s job to remain calm. Keep the child safe until the tantrum is over. Be proactive to understand causes and be proactive to prevent the tantrum next time.

What about yelling?

It happens. Apologize and try to remain calmer. Model better behaviors.

What about timeout?

I don’t isolate my kids. We do time-ins where we sit near each other until we’re ready to communicate our big feelings and work through the problem together.

What about rewards? What about chore charts? What about praise?

I don’t offer rewards but model intrinsic motivation. A child knows when she has accomplished something and I share in her joy.

My goal is to have a peaceful, respectful relationship with my kids as they grow into young adults.

It took an awful lot of reading to find alternatives to the way society treats children and expects children to be parented and taught.

I always felt there were better ways than what I experienced as a child and what I learned in teacher training at university and saw in the classroom.

I had to re-parent myself and heal my wounds while attempting to parent my own kids. I’m growing up while my kids are growing up too.

Recommendations:

• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg
• Escape from Childhood by John Holt 
• Parenting for Social Change: Transform Childhood, Transform the World by Teresa Graham Brett

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