Jennifer Lambert

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You are here: Home / Health / Ashamed

Ashamed

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June 10, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 15 Comments

We aren’t born ashamed.

We have to learn how to be ashamed.

And then we shame others so we don’t feel alone.

Our culture thrives on shame.

I think we have to remember constantly that shaming is one of the deepest tools of Imperialist White Supremacist Capitalist patriarchy because shame produces trauma and trauma often produces paralysis.

bell hooks

Parents are told to shame their children into behaving. Teachers shame students in class to conform. Peers shame each other and it’s considered normal, but it’s really bullying. And when they grow up, these adults bully and shame others to keep control.

We feel guilty when we do something wrong.

We feel ashamed when we believe that we are bad.

I don’t dance.

I used to dance.

I first took lessons when I was in first grade.

I loved ballet and tap. I loved the pink and black practice suits and the recital costumes. I loved the music and the counting and the French words and the practicing and the barre with the stretches. I could point my toes in a perfect arch and suck in the dimples on my buttocks to please my teacher.

I love watching musicals and ballets – live and on TV…the pretty costumes and twirling and how easy it looks.

My parents couldn’t or wouldn’t pay for dance lessons after a year. I was heartbroken. I begged every year to be re-enrolled, but they didn’t take me seriously or couldn’t afford it until I was 12. The studio really didn’t have beginner courses for anyone as old as I was, so I was placed in a class for adults who just wanted the exercise. It was embarrassing. I was good and I was placed in the recital with other dancers my age. I could’ve possibly moved on to pointe the next year or so, but I was too ashamed to continue when I was awkward, lanky, developing. I hadn’t danced for so long and I felt so behind my peers.

I quit dancing and I still regret it.

That feeling of shame rears its hot face even now that I’m older. My husband loves to dance and he used to teach lessons. I don’t even want to dance with him in the privacy of my living room. Ballroom dance and contemporary dance are very different from ballet, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I love to watch him dance with the kids and teach them the classic moves.

The only thing that should ever make a child feel small is the great expanse of Mother Nature.

Nicolette Sowder

Shame isn’t an easy thing to ignore or overcome.

Shame permeates our society.

I’ve been bullied and shamed in parenting circles, at work, in church…it’s like an epidemic or an addiction. People think shame is normal.

We are taught with shame at home, in schools, and in churches.

Brené Brown poses the question of why people feel so disconnected from each other, and she answers it with a very simple response: Shame. Shame, she believes, is the culprit: “I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn’t understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame.” (Brown 2010)

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can think of a whole number of other reasons that people experience deep wells of fear, alienation, and disconnection from one another: racism, ableism, homoantagonism, transantagonism, fatphobia, classism, ethnocentrism, poverty, white supremacy, the tyranny of normalcy, unequal distribution of wealth, violence, warfare, the prison-industrial complex, the disability gulag, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, sexism, and binarism. Just to name a few.

Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg

Shame at Home

Almost all the parenting books, blogs, experts teach shame.

We’re supposed to punish, cajole, bribe, humiliate, ridicule, coerce, abuse our kids into “proper” behavior.

I feel this idea of being shamed into obedience is even worse in Christian circles. There is this idea of a sin/shame cycle that must be beaten (literally or verbally) out of children.

At home, I was hit, belittled, told I was stupid and worthless. My parents thought negative conditioning would create in me a desire to improve. But, actually, it creates dissonance and a feeling of helplessness. Eventually, I began to believe I was stupid and worthless.

My interests weren’t important. I was ridiculed for loving art, music, literature – mere hobbies that wouldn’t offer a well-paying career.

I stopped trying in school about 11th grade. I almost failed algebra II and chemistry. I skipped classes. I didn’t see any point to any of it.

Shame in School

Schools rely on a shame model to produce compliant students.

I lived most of my school days in fear.

Fear of punishment, fear of humiliation, fear of being called on, fear of hearing my name, fear of stepping out of line.

My first grade teacher put a BIG RED X beside my name because I knew how to write it in cursive and we weren’t supposed to know that yet and she didn’t want me to show off.

But the BIG RED X seemed to symbolize a negation of my whole identity.

Teachers often seem to single out students who are different, bullying them just like kids. I’ve witnessed minority kids ridiculed. I’ve witnessed girls shamed. Schools are racist and sexist.

I saw these things as a student and as a teacher.

Of course, there’s the whole body shaming of girls.

I changed in a bathroom stall for PE in middle school and high school. I was skinny, but never had the desirable flat or toned abs. Someone once told me that my tummy wouldn’t be so noticeable if I had boobs. That didn’t help.

I also didn’t want to be singled out for having the highest grade in science when I was in 9th grade. I quietly asked the teacher to stop praising me in front of the class since I was getting teased by classmates. I was dumbing myself down to be popular. I didn’t do well in science after that year, perhaps on purpose or more likely, subconsciously.

Girls are silenced and shamed by boys, teachers, administrators, parents…and other girls.

Far from production as an ideal, it was consumption that had to be encouraged. School had to train in consumption habits: listening to others, moving on a bell or horn signal without questioning, becoming impressionable—more accurately, gullible—in order to do well on tests. Kids who insisted on producing their own lives had to be humiliated publicly as a warning to others.

 Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto

Shame in Church

The Christian church relies on shaming to keep members submissive.

Children are taught the sin model from parents, leaders, teachers, pastors.

There’s nowhere positive to go from there. What’s the point if you’re destined for a life of sin and eternal damnation? Different denominations teach different methods of salvation: say a little prayer, confess, flagellation, communion, accountability partners, fasting. Some preach that certain people are predestined, so it doesn’t matter what you do anyway.

It’s all outward appearance and makes us feel more ashamed for our failures, real or imagined.

At a Lent planning meeting at the church we used to attend, a deacon crossed my name off the children’s learning time and said she didn’t need me to do that. She acted like she was doing me a favor, releasing me from duty, but I know she just likes control and doing it all.

I felt like I was back in first grade, even if she didn’t use a red pen.

I’ve never gone back to a planning meeting nor am I really involved at all at church anymore.

We stopped going to church. 

And they are both of them naked, the man and woman, and they are not ashamed of themselves. Genesis 2:25

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves. Genesis 3:7

Why did Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness only after they sinned?

Chabad

Shame Online

I’m glad we didn’t have social media until I was an adult. I don’t think I could’ve handled the cyber bullying and humiliation I see every day online.

We monitor the apps our daughters use closely. I really limit my social media time because it depresses me.

I’m glad we homeschool, so I don’t think we experience it as much, but my eldest was bullied a few years ago within our homeschool community and online and it was ugly.

Some people are just always itching for a fight and I don’t want to engage.

People hide behind their avatars, screens, keyboards…anonymous. It’s easier for them to spew their hatred at people who don’t share their views.

We like to be noticed, named, not forgotten or dismissed.

I try to be very careful how I speak to my children and spouse. Of course, I fail miserably very often, but I try to make amends.

I don’t want to humiliate, shame, or ridicule anyone. I know too well how that feels. Words can hurt.

When have you felt ashamed?

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Words have the power to normalize or devastate children.

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Filed Under: Health Tagged With: abuse, growth, mental health

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Comments

  1. Mandy says

    June 10, 2019 at 3:34 pm

    It’s so hard to deal with shame. It seems to come from everywhere. I’ve been reading Nacny DeMOss’s Lies Women Believe. She says Guilt comes from God to cause us to repent; Shame comes from Satan to tear us down.

    I also loved the book and study by Christine Caine, Unashamed. This was a wonderful workbook dealing with shame in our lives.

    Reply
    • Donna Reidland says

      June 14, 2019 at 10:58 am

      I’m going through the Lies Young Women Believe with one of my granddaughters. Both books are wonderful.

      Churches are full of imperfect people like all of us, but there are good (not perfect) churches where people seek to love one another and represent Christ well.

      Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 15, 2019 at 12:49 pm

      I can’t recommend Christine Caine, but I’m glad it helped you.

      https://www.patheos.com/blogs/thefreethinker/2018/10/christian-author-of-unashamed-has-a-lot-to-be-ashamed-about/

      Reply
  2. ~Karrilee~ says

    June 10, 2019 at 9:14 pm

    This: “There is this idea of a sin/shame cycle that must be beaten (literally or verbally) out of children.” So true… sadly!

    I love Brene Browns’ teachings on Shame. (As well as Chris Caine’s book mentioned above!)

    Great post!

    Reply
  3. Jasmine says

    June 11, 2019 at 2:41 am

    This is an amazing article and I hate it. I hate that we have to talk about these things, because we are still shaming people for so much. I mean, I’m cool with shaming people for some stuff – being cruel, being sexist, that kind of thing, but to shame a child for liking dance? Or being smart? Worse, being smart and passionate in a way you don’t approve of? That’s terrible and it happens far too often. Thanks for this though, it reminds me to watch what I say – I hope I don’t contribute to the cycle.

    Reply
  4. April says

    June 11, 2019 at 2:33 pm

    I grew up in a “Christian school” that was so very shame based. I used the quotation marks because Christ and shame do not go together. We are loved by our Heavenly Father through even our mistakes…..loved so much that He came to live for us so that He could die for us kind of love!! It’s that kind of love we have to pour into hearts that have been wounded by shame, it’s that kind of healing that spreads so that others may be healed from a life of shame. People need to see posts like this to see the reality of what shame does because they may not have even identified that shame is part of the issue and honestly we have all at one point inflicted it onto others or have been wounded through shaming. Shame needs to be addressed as you have done so powerfully!

    Reply
  5. Lauren Renee Sparks says

    June 11, 2019 at 5:50 pm

    Thank you for giving me something to think about. I struggle so much with how to get through to my daughter about her sin and misbehavior while also making sure she knows she is a beloved daughter of mine and the king. It can be so hard. Visiting you today from the anchored abode link up. laurensparks.net

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      June 13, 2019 at 10:27 am

      I recommend:
      Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting https://amzn.to/31xeZGA
      Parenting Forward: How to Raise Children with Justice, Mercy, and Kindness https://amzn.to/2IIqzGg

      Reply
  6. Rebecca Jones says

    June 11, 2019 at 6:42 pm

    I started to list some shaming but just didn’t want to go there, I am glad Jesus took our shame. He was publicly humiliated for me to go free and yet I didn’t because I never understood that until more recently. I am guilty of saying to children they should be ashamed of some expletives and throwing chairs and hitting, they have come from abusive situations and that is all they know and have to learn, but to creative and loving ones that is very hurtful. I’m sorry you or I had to hear that. I hope your dance.

    Reply
    • Rebecca Jones says

      June 11, 2019 at 6:59 pm

      I mean I hope you dance and I shared this post.

      Reply
    • Jennifer says

      June 13, 2019 at 10:28 am

      Oh, that has to be so hard!

      I recommend:
      Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting https://amzn.to/31xeZGA
      Parenting Forward: How to Raise Children with Justice, Mercy, and Kindness https://amzn.to/2IIqzGg

      Reply
  7. Patsy Burnette says

    June 12, 2019 at 6:29 pm

    Jennifer, I guess I’ve never looked at shame this way. I was just the other day thinking there wasn’t enough shame in the world. Billboards we are so used to seeing would have been considered pornography to another generation. You can’t even take your little boy to the mall without him seeing signs with women on them that should make us all blush, but no one blushes anymore. Just the other day I was riding down the highway with a 5-year-old in the back seat who said, “What does B – A – R – E spell?” I replied, “Bare” and he goes on to say, “What does we bare all mean?” I was SHOCKED! I was thinking there wasn’t enough shame in the world, but you’ve certainly shone a different light on the word. Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      June 13, 2019 at 10:32 am

      We use those uncomfortable opportunities to talk about healthy body image and healthy sexuality – yes even with very young children! My kids are tweens and teens now and we continually teach about healthy body image and sexuality and our society’s impossible standards. We’re discussing how sex sells. We’re discussing the difference between shame and embarrassment and guilt and what is socially appropriate and how that has changed in history. We’re discussing how The Church teaches these issues and our culture permeates this unhealthy attitude. The human body is a gift. Sex is a gift. It’s up to parents to teach our kids what is right and wrong. I won’t rely on The Church, Society, Peers, or even Others to teach my kids. There is too much at stake. There is too much abuse.

      I recommend:
      Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting https://amzn.to/31xeZGA
      Parenting Forward: How to Raise Children with Justice, Mercy, and Kindness https://amzn.to/2IIqzGg

      Reply
  8. Jessi's Design says

    June 13, 2019 at 12:13 pm

    ugh this is so true! Glad there are some great recommendations!

    Reply
  9. April J Harris says

    June 17, 2019 at 12:04 pm

    I’m so glad you shared this post with the Hearth and Soul Link Party, Jennifer. It really raises some incredibly important points. I feel so sorry for the little girl you were, receiving that big red X when actually it was wonderful you could write in cursive!! I still remember feeling ashamed when I was 4. I hadn’t started school and I didn’t know how to read ‘big words’. Sadly I was a big for my age and looked older. I was at camp and supposed to be doing a play. They gave me a script, and I couldn’t read all the big words. “What, can’t you read at your age?” I can still remember the sinking feeling. You are right, shame just makes us feel small, and it is a great way for people to control us. It’s really important that we are careful how we speak to others to help break this cycle of shame. Thank you again for sharing!

    Reply
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