Do you find yourself saying sorry all the time?
Do you feel guilty, ashamed, or blamed for things beyond your control?
Research shows women apologize more frequently than men.
Saying sorry all the time can be a sign of anxiety, OCD, or abuse.
Saying sorry too often affects our relationships.
Girls constantly receive mixed messages:
- Be confident, but not conceited
- Be smart, but no one likes a know-it-all
- Ambition is good, but trying too hard is bad
- Be assertive, but only if it doesn’t upset anyone else
What are we teaching our children (and especially our daughters) when we say sorry all the time?
When an apology is warranted, of course it should be offered, but acting a victim and saying sorry for instances outside our control isn’t healthy.
There’s a big difference between a real apology and just saying sorry.
I am raising servant leaders and precision of language is important. We’re respectful but unapologetic when we express our needs.
I don’t want my kids to feel they have to be sorry for being who they are.
Stop Saying Sorry…
Stop saying sorry for emotions.
Don’t say sorry for being sensitive, emotional, or passionate.
Stop saying sorry for getting angry.
Stop saying sorry about asking for help.
Stop saying sorry about speaking your mind.
Stop saying sorry for your past.
Stop saying sorry for telling the truth.
Stop saying sorry for being successful.
Feel.
Love.
Emote.
Express.
Stop saying sorry at home.
My house is messy and I won’t be sorry for it since we live here – all day, every day.
I don’t say sorry for asking my spouse or kids to contribute to our household care and cleaning.
I changed my language to be assertive and express my needs.
I am polite but firm when I request the dishwasher unloaded or laundry put away. I can’t and won’t do it all when we all must work together for a smooth-running household.
I stopped saying sorry for needing “me time.” Self-care is important and as an introvert, I need more alone time than the rest of my family members.
Stop saying sorry at church.
Sorry seems to be a very churchy word.
It doesn’t have to be. Change the narrative.
Empathize without using the word sorry.
When we hear bad news, we often automatically say, “I’m sorry.” We express sorrow and sympathy the way we have been conditioned. But we could use better precision of language than saying sorry for things totally beyond our control. When people confide bad news, by all means I sympathize and empathize, but I don’t have to apologize for it unless it is truly my fault.
I can tell someone that I understand (if I really do.) I can say, “That’s unfortunate.” or “That sucks.” Most people don’t want advice or to hear if I’m sorry; they just want me to listen.
When people ask me for something I can’t or don’t want to do, I don’t have to say a sorry no. No means no. I don’t have to offer an apology or explanation. I protect myself and my time.
Stop saying sorry socially.
As a large homeschooling family, we could do so many activities and attend so many field trips and classes, and get so over-involved – and never be home.
No means no. I am very careful about our time and how much we’re involved in. I say no often and unapologetically. I don’t have to offer reasons to anyone.
It’s easier to say no and change to a yes later than the other way around. People don’t handle disappointment well.
When my kids have a scheduling conflict, we all have to compromise. Someone has to arrive early or get picked up late so we all get to where we need to be.
Stop saying sorry at work.
Stop saying sorry for taking time to respond or to do a job well.
Stop saying sorry, even if you’re at fault for a mistake. Use better and more positive language.
I found myself saying “sorry” a lot, even for small errors or something that was completely out of my control, so turning regret into gratitude really helps. Not to mention keeps everything professional, neutral, and not off emotion. ~Maya
Alternatives to Saying Sorry at Work:
- Thanks for flagging!
- Good catch! I will make the updates/changes.
- Many thanks for noticing the error, [name], we will [verb].
- Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will [verb].
- Thank you for clarifying.
- Thanks for the nudge! (If you missed a previous email)
- We appreciate your inputs; moving forward, we will [verb].
- Thank you for your feedback; we will incorporate this into our process.
I used to get all prickly and sweaty and my stomach was in knots when I got emails citing any mistake, even if it wasn’t my fault. I recently tried this out in work emails a couple times and it worked like a charm! I feel more in control and not at all anxious. And I got lovely “thank you” replies from my colleagues.
And never, ever say sorry for asking for payment for your work. Bloggers, artists, and other creators should be compensated for their time and work.
Don’t make the kids say they’re sorry.
We’ve all been there. Maybe we’ve done this.
Kids do something thoughtless or even mean.
We expect them to be and say “sorry.” We want to teach manners and social acceptance.
Making kids say they’re sorry doesn’t teach them anything.
Making kids say they’re sorry is more about us than them.
What to do instead of making kids say they’re sorry?
- Role model.
- Affirm feelings.
- Offer choices.
- Let them work it out on their own.
Kids often empathize better than adults can. We can learn from them!
I agree with most everything. However, I do think that as small children, children should be taught to say, “I’m sorry” in the proper circumstances. That being said, I do think saying sorry is way overused.
I do teach young kids about proper apology and I don’t say not to, but never force it.
You make an excellent point. I tend to apologize too quickly for things that aren’t my fault. I think it’s a “good girl” habit that doesn’t serve a healthy purpose. Thanks for the encouragement to move past it.
Good points! I like the one about work. I think people would rather hear us acknowledge the mistake, and be informed in a quick sentence how we’ll fix it, rather than an automatic apology.
I have a friend who apologized so much it seemed as if she was “sorry” for even the air she breathed. We are greatly loved and rejoiced over by God. There’s a time for godly sorrow, but “sorry” all the time does not lead to anything.
There are some good points here, worth thinking about, like not apologizing for certain emotions, for our messy houses, for the truth, for our successes, etc. But I think you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater in a lot of this. Saying sorry has its place in a polite society, in owning up to our wrongs, in expressing empathy for others. When we say sorry to someone about their bad news, we don’t mean we are taking responsibility for their tragedy. We mean it as in “I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel bad for what you’re going through.” Personally, I think “that’s unfortunate” sounds much more flippant than “I’m sorry”, like we are saying, “That’s tough for you, but it doesn’t really affect me or my feelings.” Sometimes, a hug and a simple “I’m so sorry you are going through this” is the most appropriate thing we can say when someone is hurting really badly and there’s nothing we can do about it. And I do think kids need to be taught to apologize, “forced” to apologize even. Our sin nature makes us resist doing the things we should do. And our society has become too much about only doing what we feel like doing, about affirming all of our feelings, regardless of how appropriate or godly they are. “Follow your heart” and “Do what makes you happy” and all that. But God calls us to train a child up in the way they should go, so that in the future they know the right path to take. We can’t make a kid FEEL sorry or FEEL like apologizing, and we shouldn’t affirm any wayward, selfish feelings (but we can empathize without affirming, such as “I know how you feel about this but you still have to apologize”) … but we can make a kid do the right thing and apologize when they are in the wrong or have hurt someone else. We need to teach them that doing the right thing – that obedience – is not always about what we feel like doing. Apologizing is a big part of mending broken relationships, of righting wrongs, of humility, of forgiveness and seeking forgiveness, from God and others. Letting them feel like their feelings are more important than doing the right thing sets them up for being unhumble, disobedient Christians before the Lord, unwilling to acknowledge their wrongs and their sins. And I think this is the exact thing – letting our feelings lead – that has caused such a mess of our churches today. We base doctrine on our feelings. And this is so wrong and damaging. I know my reply here probably goes a bit beyond what you intended to say, that you probably don’t mean some of the things I am commenting on. But it’s just what I was thinking about as I read this. I agree there are some things we need to stop apologizing for, but there are other places when it’s perfectly appropriate and necessary. (And while I think we can force younger kids to apologize, by withholding certain privileges until they do or something like that, when it comes to older kids – teens – I agree that we can’t necessarily force them. But we can strongly encourage them and insist on it, pointing out to them where they are wrong and the consequence of not doing the right thing. But at some point, it’s up to them to choose to obey or to disobey and face the consequences, such as a strained relationship or lose of privilege or whatever. We can insist on obedience, but it’s up to them to obey. Just like it is with all of us before God.)
What a great post and I love the term precision language. Though I know children should enjoy being children, language skills are a priority aren’t they? While I have taught children to apologize and to understand why, like not making fun of someone’s clothes or returning a stolen checkout item, I agree, it is way overused and I see it used as a get out of jail card, as a way to avoid time out or consequences. I myself, have even done it, I shouldn’t have to apologize for having faith. Jesus didn’t mince words either, and knew how to be quiet, something else children lack. I will repost this for you.Thanks Jennifer, Merry Christmas.
Thanks for a great post!
You made some great points! I also agree that I tend to say sorry way too much. My husband always tells me to stop apologizing when I did not do anything wrong. Maybe I should start listening to him, lol.
I recently read about sharing gratitude instead of apology, and I’ve loved the impact that’s made. Instead of “sorry I’m late”, I say “thank you for your patience”, and it’s made a difference.
Wow! This targeted me directly! I even say sorry for other people’s mistakes and attitudes. I feel responsible for everyone and everything in our home and family.
I was raised on shame and it still shows sometimes.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I want to make positive changes. I’ve already seen this tendency in one of my daughters.
God bless you,
Laura Lane
Harvest Lane Cottage
Visiting from Fueled by Faith. I am guilty of saying “sorry” much too often. I needed many of the reminders you shared. It becomes a bad habit, an automatic response, and it is something I definitely need to work on. An apology needs to be heartfelt, not repetitive words coming from guilt or feeling bad. Thank you for sharing this.
I wrote a post about this topic not long ago. I had to train myself to stop saying sorry all the time bc it is so damaging to your self-esteem.
I love this post, Jen! Coming from Canada and England, saying sorry is kind of programmed into me We say sorry for the weather, sorry for just about everything, it’s even used in place of ‘pardon me’ when we don’t hear someone. It kind of loses its effect! I also agree that forcing a child to say sorry is not helpful. I’m definitely going to say sorry less often, and I think then it will have more meaning when I do!! Thank you so much for sharing this insightful and thoughtful post and for being a part of the Hearth and Soul Link Party. Hope to see you at the Christmas edition of the party which starts on Sunday 23rd December!
I completely relate to this. I often find myself apologizing. My DIL is from Chile. She doesn’t say “I’m sorry!” once, she says it 3 or 4 times in a row. We have talked about both of us trying to stop this habit! Thanks for the nudge! :)
I think we need to look at the root cause of the tendency, as you began with… it may be linked to past family culture or could have other cultural meanings rather than a surface apology.
It could very well be a mental health issue as you mentioned but we also need to look at what the person is getting out of saying “sorry” in each situation… it can be their platitude…it’s giving them something, it works for them.
Visiting from Deb’s today, you are most welcome to join me in a cup of Christmas cheer,
Merry Christmas,
Jennifer
Happy New Year! Thanks for sharing at Home Sweet Home!