Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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What Depression Feels Like

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So many don’t know.

The deep darkness has never touched them.

They’ve never sunk so low

That they can’t even imagine ever getting up again.

How does depression feel?

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think maybe

Maybe I should just die.

Maybe my children would be better off with a different mother.

Maybe my husband would be better with a happier wife.

Maybe my parents would realize how bad it really was.

Their therapist didn’t know the truth and I’m not only to blame.

Less than.

Never enough.

A hollow pit in the depths of my stomach.

Prickly moist heat that makes my palms itch.

Heaving from the farthest reaches of my insides.

Poor little rich white girl.

I hate this life.

No, it doesn’t make any sense

But

The pain is suffocating.

I’m drowning from too much.

Too little.

Hyperventilating.

Asphyxiation must be the scariest way to go.

I learned long ago to paste on a smile. Smear on some lipstick.

Don’t want to look too pale, sickly, pasty, unhappy, bland.

Don’t call attention.

Don’t tell the secrets.

Be invisible.

But speak up.

Well, which is it?

I’m so confused.

I don’t know who I am. Who should I be?

It doesn’t even matter.

Nothing matters.

On the good days

the sun shines and the bad thoughts almost disappear

I’m so productive! I can take on the world and save everyone, including myself. I’m proud of myself. I’m doing all the right things, saying all the right words in the right tone, feeling all the right feels and not reacting, but being proactive. I plan for tomorrow, next week, next month, years from now. I can see it.

I laugh and bake and play and sing and dance

My heart swells with pride and remember how blessed I am

I can smile and it actually reaches my eyes

and the darkness seems rather far away for a few moments

but I can always see the wicked grin of the shadow monster in my peripheral vision

There but not there

Waiting and reminding

that the darker days are coming.

On the bad days

I struggle to get out of bed.

Every little task is a mountainous obstacle.

I don’t want to bathe or get dressed or eat or go anywhere.

No one can see me.

I avoid mirrors.

I loathe myself.

I am numb.

I know way deep down that I have to go through the motions of all the things I have to do to keep our lives running.

But I can’t really see the point.

“It’s just a headache.”

“I don’t feel so well today.”

“I think I might be coming down with something.”

I don’t deserve

to ever spend a penny on myself

or food

or soap

or water

or clothes

the smiles of my children

the hug from my husband

the grace of God

this life.

I don’t know how to ask for help.

No one knows.

Folding up inside is better, safer, easier.

I used to wish I had a real disease that others could see and believe.

If I were actually sick, then they would be sympathetic.

Then they would know it’s not my fault.

Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.

Depression isn’t something that I can “just snap out of” or, my God, I would do that!

I can’t just be happy. I can’t just smile more. I can’t just pray it away.

Comparing myself to others who “have it worse” is not helpful.

I’m tired of people who confuse “being depressed” for a season and living with depression. It doesn’t just go away.

I’ve learned to cope without medication.

I’ve been to plenty of therapists.

Depression is a real illness. We don’t blame people with cancer or diabetes or MS or thyroid deficiencies.

When you ask, “What do you have to be sad about?” It just adds to my guilt. It doesn’t make sense to me why I feel like this. It just is. I live with it. You can’t understand. I can’t explain it to you well enough for you to empathize.

Why do we blame people with mental illnesses?

And depression has BFFs – anxiety, anger, physical ailments, PTSD, aches and pains, attention problems, insomnia, eating disorders, self harm, and more. Doctors love to bandaid these symptoms instead of seeking to learn the cause.

When you can’t control your own mind and thoughts, you feel the need to control something. And that need for some semblance of control most often exhibits in an eating disorder, addiction, cutting, or something harmful.

Get help here.

Find more help here.

See more about mental health.


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Comments

  3. Thanks for sharing your story. A gentleman I’ve met by the name of Robert Somerville wrote a book called, “If I’m a Christian, Why Am I Depressed?” He wrote it after a long dark journey in his own life. Perhaps you might want to check it out.

    Reply

  4. Thank you for sharing this. It is written so well. Thanks again for sharing and shedding light on something that a lot of people feel like they can’t talk to others about.

    Reply

  7. Thank you for sharing. So many struggle with this and hide their pain. I just finished reading Depression: Looking up from the Stubborn Darkness by Ed Welch. His book brought me a lot of insight on the topic.

    Reply

  10. Jennifer,
    Brenda sent me over to your post today, and I am so glad. Thank you for being willing to share and be vulnerable with your story. You are a brave and courageous woman.

    I won’t claim to know what it feels like to be depressed because I don’t. But I do know what it is like to love someone that suffers from depression. I know what it is like to sit and watch those I love struggle with similar feelings. I have at times felt so helpless standing by and I am sure made things worse by ignorance to what depression is.

    I have read numerous books on depression, taught classes to family members, & run a ministry for families with a loved one with mental illness. I have tried so hard to understand but have come to the conclusion I most likely will never understand so I must listen and accept and find ways to help. I had to stop judging whether a person could get out of bed or not.

    I do believe families can help with some tools and with people like you willing to share your story. On my website, one can find tools for families with a loved one with mental illness.

    Thank you for sharing. You are my hero.

    Maree

    Reply

  12. Thank you for sharing your honest heart here. I have walked through deep valleys with those I love in depression. And then I was diagnosed with a chronic illness myself, and found depression & anxiety as a by-product of the disease and a side-effect of some of the medications. So I feel every word that you have written. Thank God that we have a Savior who never shames us or condemns, but is right in the middle of it all with us! He is our only Hope! I am blessed to be your neighbor at #TuneInThursday this week.

    Reply

  13. Jennifer,
    Thank you for being real, vulnerable, and honest. That’s how we tear down the stigma. That’s why I believe God led me to share my story, and what I found to help me in my book “Hope Prevails: Insights From a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression” and now the “Hope Prevails Bible Study.” I was the doctor, the neuropsychologist, who treated patients with depression, with anxiety, with a host of other medical and mental health disorders for 20 years until I fell prey to the dark night of my soul and battled through an illness that almost killed me and then horrific depression. I was the doctor with all the alphabet soup after my name but couldn’t prevent depression from attacking me. Now that I’m on the other side, (with so much more compassion and empathy, I might add) I speak and write to share what I learned to give hope to others so that they know they are not alone. So that they can hear the words I longed to hear, “Me too.” Depression is very real. But so is the hope He offers. Because of Him, #HopePrevails.

    Reply

  14. Dr. Michelle Bengtson wrote the book “Hope Prevails: Insight from a Doctor’s Personal Journey throught Depression.” The book is written not only from a doctor’s point of view but also from someone who suffered from the worst kind of depression. The companion bible study was released last week and went to #1 in new releases on depression. “Hope Prevails” has been instrumental in many people finding hope in their despair. Dr. Bengtson is a board certified clinical neuropsychologist with 25 years of experience. Her perspective on depression is different than most because she speaks of the spiritual roots of depression. This is a life-changing book! I highly recommend it to anyone who suffers from depression or knows someone who does!

    Reply

  15. I am giving you a God sized hug from MN! I truly appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your heart with the world. Depression is real and I’ve been in the valley many times in my life. After the loss of my father this year, I thought I was sinking. God revealed a lot to me through the book “Hope Prevails” by Michelle Bengtson. Not only is she a therapist – but she is also a Christian and has been where we are or have been. I would love to gift this book to you. Please message me through facebook – http://www.facebook.com/newwingscoaching

    God bless you! Jeremiah 29:11 ?

    Reply

  16. My heart aches for you and I thank you for your honesty and transparency. None of us are immune from depression and the horrible effects it has. I see others have already mentioned it, but I was going to suggest Hope Prevails: Insight from a Doctor’s Personal Journey through Depression by Dr. Michelle Bengtson. I not only value her insight, but I also value her friendship. She is a beautiful lady, inside and out, and I think you could be very encouraged by her book. She has walked in your shoes and could be the very hope you are so desperately seeking. Blessings to you.

    Reply

  17. Jennifer,
    Thank you for being so open and honest about your journey with depression. I can honestly say I too have had various feelings and struggles over the years that I couldn’t necessarily identify as depression. But I know at one season in my life over a situation with one of my children, I felt utter despair even though I have been a Christian since the age of twelve. I now know who the culprit was behind some of my angst. And I am grateful that someone greater than we me brought me through that situation.
    Recently, I bought a copy of Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression by Michelle Bengtson. As I began reading, I could relate with some of the feelings and emotions that go along with depression. I, in particular, love the idea that the author not only treats people professionally, but she’s been there personally. It shows me there is hope for anyone whose willing to search for answers outside their own frame of reference. I know I needed help, but wasn’t sure where to find it. Oh yes, I could have gone to my local church but because of my own fear of authority figures, I found it difficult to reach out. However, after taking a risk, and admitting I needed help, and opening up to a counselor, the pain and depression began to subside as I talked with her. I realize now how important it is to not only ask for help, but be willing to receive it and Dr. Bengtson offers various insights to help any who struggle with depression. I hope you’ll consider looking at her material.

    Reply

  18. Really touched and inspired by the extent of your openness and vulnerability here. It helps so many… and I learned so much here.
    God’s blessings be richly upon you as you continue to follow him down your road.

    Reply

  19. Jennifer, I just wish I could reach through here and hug you. 1- for the vulnerable beauty of the words here that will resonate in the hearts of many and open the eyes of others. And 2- there are no words adequate and a hug is what I would do if I were sitting side by side with you in this moment.

    I’m sharing this everywhere because everyone needs to be aware.

    Much love and prayers,
    Lori

    Reply

  20. Jennifer, private message Diana Manley Rockwell with your address or send it to me at blessingsrockwell@gmail.com. I want to send you the books from Dr. Michelle Bengtson. I’ve been where you are, I wish I could give you a hug. I’m a hugger. I struggle in the winter with the cold and the dark nights but because of Dr. Michelle’s suggestions, my depression has lifted. Blessings my friend I am here. Diana

    Reply

  21. Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing this post at The Hearth and Soul Link party. I’m sorry you are going through this, and by sharing your experience I am sure you will help others. Depression is an illness, and I totally agree, we need to be more understanding of it. The other thing I really agree with is that it doesn’t help to tell people to count their blessings as it just makes them feel guilty – which is definitely not helpful! While a practice of gratitude can be helpful, it doesn’t work if it’s making you feel worse. Do know you are not alone – I’ve experienced depression in the past and it can get better. Sending lots of prayers. And again, thank you so much for sharing this with Hearth and Soul.

    Reply

  22. Thank you for sharing this post. Depression has been in my life since I was a teenager and its not always easy to explain to others what it feels like or how hard it is to come out of it.

    Reply

  23. Oh Jennifer, my heart hurts with yours as I read what you have shared. I have heard words that are almost exact to what you wrote from my teenage child. I want you to know that depression breaks a mama’s heart. It does. And I believe that it breaks the heart of our heavenly Father as well. When I searched for help to bring hope to my girl, I was led to a book that I can see that others have already mentioned. The book is Hope Prevails:Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey through Depression by Dr. Michelle Bengtson. It is not a “quick fix” kind of book. It does not shame a person who is living with depression or mental illness. What it does best, in my opinion, is shine truth and light into the darkness. It shows us how to battle those thoughts that spiral downward, seemingly without control, and speaks Biblical truth into those areas. I read the book to help my girl. So I could understand her more. And it has helped me to love her better and offer her hope. It has also helped me to heal in areas that I needed healing in my own life. I will pray for you. You are brave. And my heart prays that you and your readers will find hope. I wish I could send you a hug from PA. And sit down and share a cup of coffee with you.

    Reply

  24. You are so brave to have written this post. I would have had no idea through your normal posts that you suffer with depression and I am so sad that you do. I can’t imagine how hard it is to deal with on a daily basis. Sending lots of hugs your way. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

    Reply

  25. “I used to wish I had a real disease that others could see and believe. If I were actually sick, then they would be sympathetic.”
    Yep, spot on. That is the exact feeling I have felt more times than I care to count. I remember when I was in a particularly hard season of depression (no, I don’t deal with it on a daily basis, but I can completely relate to the feeling of “it’s just around the corner”) I would look at people with cancer or even a broken arm and think, I’d much rather have that. It sounds so strange to say something like that if you have never experienced the pain of anxiety or depression, but if you have, you know. People rally around those with cancer, with depression, you’re invisible..Sometimes when I feel that way I try my hardest to look at me through the lens of how my kids or my husband see me, the fact that they would be broken hearted without me. It reminds me how UN-invisible I really am. Depression is such a liar.
    Thank you so much for sharing and continuing to fight the good fight of faith. Hugs and love to you dear sister in Christ! You are an inspiration and a light to others who don’t have the power or will to speak, believe that today, if nothing else.

    Reply

  26. I agree with you when people ask what d you have to be unhappy about it makes the guilt we feel so much worse. I know how blessed I am to have my husband, my children, my beautiful home, I am so very grateful, depression does not come from having things to be unhappy about, it is an illness, a horrible true illness that puts a fog between you and your world. You truly captured it so well here! I found your post through #TwinklyTuesday as you are her featured blogger this week. I am truly grateful to you for writing this and sharing it.

    Reply

  29. Hi Jennifer,

    Thanks for sharing nice information.

    Depression is a serious mental illness that can interfere with a person’s life. It can cause long-lasting and severe feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a loss of interest in activities. It can also cause physical symptoms of pain, appetite changes, and sleep problems.

    Reply

  30. I was battling with depression and it is really hard to control. After reading this blog, I was enlightened on how to cope up with depression. Worth reading.

    Reply

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