We haven’t gone to church in a long time.
We didn’t have a lot of choices for English-speaking churches in Germany.
There’s the military base chapel, which is pretty vanilla since they have to cater to a broad audience and abide by military rules.
There are a few charismatic churches that just don’t appeal to us.
There are a few very conservative churches that are legalistic and cliquish.
I don’t want a rock and roll, laser show kind of church and it’s unfortunate that so many rely on these churchtainment distractions to get people through their doors.
We had attended a small general Lutheran congregation for the past year or so. Service began at 8:30 in the morning. Do you realize how hard it is to get everyone up, eat breakfast, get dressed, and out the door to drive 20+ minutes to church by 8:30 AM? We did it though. We went to bed early on Saturday nights in order to get up early for church.
I loved walking in ancient cathedrals in Europe and oohing and aahing at the magnificent architecture, cold smell of well-worn stone, beautiful and sometimes funny statues, chapel nooks – the sacred. And occasionally, there would be a mass and I could sit in a corner and just observe worship. I even understood some of it – the Latin, French, Italian. I always love the organ music.
Americans and Protestants don’t appreciate the sacred.
We recently moved back to the States and I don’t have great hopes of finding a church where we’ll fit in.
Before writing this, I researched “Why Should I Attend Church“? Many of the answers were interesting and even shocking to me. I expect the typical “Because the Bible says so” answer, but “Because you’re single and may meet someone” takes the cake.
I expect more.
I won’t lose my salvation. I still love Jesus.
I realize many will think I’m selfish for not dragging my family to church.
I do feel selfish.
We missed Easter. But I don’t like how most American churches celebrate Easter.
After many years of trying to discover God in church, I’ve just had enough. I need a break.
I need a break from Christians.
I can worship God – in the forest, at the beach, in a museum, while reading, while cleaning, while cooking, during meals, at the movies, listening to my children.
I am amazed by His creation and by people’s creativity, love, and kindness.
I don’t like church.
I’m a leader. I’m a teacher. I’m a counselor. I’m a researcher.
It’s hard for me to just sit back and be lectured to, read to, talked at…It’s especially hard for me to keep my mouth shut when the pastor, teacher, deacon, elder, leader, board member expresses false doctrine. It’s exhausting holding it all in because it doesn’t seem to ever matter anyway.
As an introvert, I don’t like fellowship time, potlucks, events, programs, meetings, VBS, AWANA, or Wednesday night service. I shouldn’t have to apologize for my personal preferences. I’ve suffered for years so my family can participate and seem normal.
I think too many churches and church leaders allow and perpetuate abuse – of women, children, people of color, LGBTQ+, others on the fringe of society and the evangelical system.
It’s very unpopular to love Jesus and not attend church.
But I think faith is a private thing between me and God. I shouldn’t have to explain my reasons to anyone.
We stopped going to church for a variety of reasons:
Poor Leadership
The German American pastor moved away to another calling. The American interim pastor and his wife were less than welcoming. They are micromanagers. They are exclusionists of anybody who isn’t LCMS-conservative.
When we attended an American PCUSA church in Ohio, we quickly learned how they compromise and downplay the importance of social justice. They’re more about pew-warming, excluding outsiders, and pacifying their suburban elderly rich white congregation than doing God’s work.
I had concerns about the pastor how her marriage seemed abusive. Her spouse called her stupid and dummy. They perpetuated white supremacy in their belief that veganism would save the world as Biblical mandate, refusing to accept any traditional indigenous dietary habits, poverty and food scarcity issues, allergy restrictions, or anything that could refute their intellectual belief.
Moral Failure
My young son’s teenage Sunday school teacher was in a sexual relationship with his girlfriend and this was apparently well-known and accepted by his and her parents, the homeschool community, and other church members. I was glad when he and his family moved away so I didn’t have to confront anyone. I am not a prude, but I didn’t feel it was appropriate behavior for a teen church leader. It’s one thing for consenting adults to have an intimate relationship; it’s another for teens to be all over each other in the pews.
I have seen lots of abuse from adult church leaders swept under the rug. Embezzlement and sexual abuse…to gossip and bullying.
Don’t even get me started on the purity movement and Christian pseudo-psychology and abusive parenting practices.
Lack of Education and Discipleship
Sunday school wasn’t about Scripture or Christian living. It often took 30 minutes or more to corral people from the coffee and cookies into the three classrooms. There was no curricula. My three daughters’ teacher led inappropriate discussions about astrology and pop culture. The adult class often derailed into discussions better suited to the Discovery Channel or a New Age seminar. Most teachers go either legalistic or extremely liberal, no in-between.
Many churches forego Sunday school altogether or have children’s time during the regular service, showing that kids aren’t welcome in the main church.
I’ve seen Bible studies on Sunday evenings or weeknights – in the church or in members’ homes. Usually, I’m not fond of the books chosen. They’re often trite, focused on certain “problems” or by authors I find questionable.
“The growth of the evangelical church has been ocean-wide, but often puddle-deep.” ~Barry Cooper
Busyness
We only felt valued when we were run ragged.
The American church is not a place of rest, but a place of constant socializing, pew warming, greetings, fakeness.
Every time we visit a new church, we feel sized up by the pastors and leaders.
What do we have to offer? How can they drain us of our gifts, time, money, abilities?
My husband doesn’t know how to set any boundaries with this and he will serve, serve, serve and do, do, do to feel better about himself in his performance-based self-esteem.
The church is not a healthy place for people who just want to rest in God.
How, I wondered, had my life in Christ gotten reduced to so much busyness, so many words, such weighty expectations? How had I gotten this far in the spiritual life without anyone ever having told me that it was OK to stop talking and stop doing and just be in God’s presence? What was I to do with the pent-up longing and frustration that was now expressing itself in these unexpected tears?
There is nothing in Western culture or even in our religious subculture to support us in entering into these times for “unproductive” being rather than frenetic doing.
Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms
No Community
No one wants to actually get their hands dirty. Everyone wants a happy clappy church with no negativity.
Everyone is certainly not welcome. You should absolutely not come as you are.
Just pray away mental illness. Just smile more. If you still have depression, you’re obviously not right with God. What is your secret sin? What did you do to deserve to be abused? What were you wearing? God allowed it for your personal faith walk and growth. Then they throw out a lot of Bible verses to back up their bad theology. This is all bullshit.
Don’t ask questions about church history, theology, scripture, leadership, church clarity, politics, or social justice. Don’t ask any questions at all. That rocks the boat and upsets people who are too comfortable in their rich white suburban evangelicalism.
Don’t express any new ideas. Don’t recommend a hymn that is too obscure for the settled congregation. Don’t try to incorporate any tradition or decoration that might offend someone who just wants to maintain the status quo of the vanilla one-hour Sunday service.
“We have turned church membership into country club membership.” ~Thom Rainer
I do miss organ music. I miss singing hymns. I miss the Eucharist. I miss stained glass windows.
What we do instead of church:
Read the Bible
I read the Bible with my son and middle daughters most mornings and we have a little discussion about the passage. I write Scripture every day with monthly themes.
Evening Devotions
We read liturgical selections from Psalms, the Old Testament, and the New Testament, with writings from church fathers every evening with the Pray Now app.
Church History
We have lots of books about church history. We love biographies about missionaries, martyrs, church fathers, and other important people impacted by their faith. We usually coincide our readings to our chronological history studies. It’s important to know.
Act Out Our Faith
We look for opportunities to act out our faith. We practice kindness, empathy, and love. We learn about creation. We pray. The church isn’t a building. We are the church.
Experience Creation
We enjoy God’s creation on nature walks. We are fascinated by the creative plants, insects, and animals that God made just for our use and enjoyment. We love the natural sciences and learn everything we can.
Church should be more about discipleship and less about programs and opportunities to socialize.
We as a family came to the decision to take a break from church after many weeks of prayer.
I am not encouraging anyone else to leave church for any reason.
We may seek a new fellowship after we move again. I seldom enjoy church, but I want my children to have that experience growing up that I never had. They are old enough to make that choice.
I no longer use the word Christian or evangelical. Those words just mean hate these days.
If you feel led to pray for me, be careful that you are not cursing me nor my decision in your heart. Maybe look at yourself and your church and ask why people don’t feel welcome. You may not agree but you should not judge what you don’t understand. You don’t know my history. You don’t know the long and difficult road it took for me to even love Jesus. You do not not know the blood-like drops of sweat as I prayed over this difficult decision. Do not take Scripture out of context. Do not spew your hate and call it loving admonition.
If you still feel led to pray, then pray this:
Pray for church leaders that they may be more including and welcoming. That they not be vanilla and safe but speak boldly the Truth and social justice and be inclusive of all.
Pray for pastors, Sunday school teachers, elders, deacons, lay leaders, ushers, music directors, worship leaders, pastoral counselors…and whatever other titles of a church leader I may have missed. Pray that they have discernment. Pray they preach and teach Biblical Truth. Pray they are not swayed by the world. Pray they are not tempted by money, fame, media, or other people.
Pray for church fellowships to be loving, kind, welcoming, inclusive, and careful with their words to newcomers and seasoned parishioners.
Pray for the parents who are raising children in this fallen world, trying desperately to navigate these tumultuous waters of postmodernism, sexual and gender revolutions, social media, integrity issues, and political scandals.
Pray for the children who are growing up in this 50 Shades of Grey kind of world, confusing sex and social media likes for Love and Truth. Pray they find godly role models to guide them to Truth and they become world-changers for His Kingdom.
Pray for everyone who was and is abused by Church.
Pray for women, people of color, and indigenous people who are excluded from white evangelical church. All missionaries are colonizers.
You might also want to read my statement of faith post. Here’s how I teach my kids religion.
An interesting article: A Quiet Exodus: Why Black Worshipers Are Leaving White Evangelical Churches
I can be spiritual and religions without attending a church.
I am sure that if these were the church optiin a where I lived I would stop going as well.I’ve heard of some pretty bad stuff going on in churches but yours definitely takes the cake!
We have a great church here in CT that focuses on glorifying God as we grow in our faith…. don’t give up hope for finding a solid group of believers here in the states! Or, start a home church with like-minded believers! I think what you’re doing in the meantime is great though. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Thanks for the encouragement! It was such a difficult decision for our family.
you may want to start one… a simple invitation posted around town:
“Fisher of Men seeks new church members who simply want to gather in Jesus’ name to glorify, praise and read scripture together” on Sundays from 9:15-11:00 am. nothing loud, ostentatious; just humble folk who havent yet found the right fit….
Tough subject for sure so kudos to you! ive heard lots of Christian post and say all this stuff about how you have to be in church, but why? And I get sick of the text book, not even biblical answers. We moved and found ourselves church hoping for four years recently! Four LONG years to be a bigger sinner the usual you know! ?? We did all the things you do to try and find a place for our large family, but it just wasn’t there. I finally sat back and realized I’m okay with God if this the season we are in. My salvation is NOT tired into wether or not I attend the next pot lock or home group meeting! I’d rather be at peace and GO in peace and wait on God to show me exactly where I’m suppose to be. And gues what, He gets that too! :-) Good post!
THANK YOU! I love this: “My salvation is NOT tired into whether or not I attend the next pot lock or home group meeting! I’d rather be at peace and GO in peace and wait on God to show me exactly where I’m suppose to be. And guess what, He gets that too!”
YES, HE DOES!
Although i agree about the openly sinful behavior in churches that need adressed and stopped..it can only happen if you carefully and without pride adress the issue. And dont allow those in leadership to wish it away.
There is So so much wrong with so much of what you are saying..
Pride is a huge one for you and clearly you dont see it.. So much wrong with your statement( “Im a teacher so I dont like to be lectured to, read to, talked at…It’s especially hard for me to keep my mouth shut when the pastor, teacher, deacon, elder, leader, board member expresses false doctrine)? Really?
Wow!
Really what a prideful statement.
I only hope that you will pray for an open heart to Jesus that he will reveal to you, your prideful heart and mind. You are teaching your children to be the same way as you are. I get that you are moving to the states and i only hope and pray that you will continue to seek out a church to worship. You need so much more than you realize. Try being at the foot of Jesus and ” be taught” by some Godly women. And study out pride. I pray that God will protect the hearts of women and men who read this and that they will not give up as you have. I will pray for you as God holds Teachers esp accountable for what they teach.
I could use scripture but I dont think you need anyone to give you scripture and verse. You need to pray pslm 51: daily id say.
So, I should sit in silence and allow myself, my husband, and my children be indoctrinated by false doctrine and sin, by astrology and new age ideas? Instead of speak my mind and cause strife in that congregation, we left. There was no point in causing a fuss when I’m the only one who recognizes the issues there. They’re all perfectly happy to be pew-warmers and chitchat and gossip and discuss worldly things. They have no desire to learn about Scripture, church history, or doctrine.
I do not sit with men of falsehood,
nor do I consort with hypocrites.
I hate the assembly of evildoers,
and I will not sit with the wicked. Psalm 26:4-5
“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.” Matthew 7:15
“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.” Ephesians 5:11
NOWHERE do I say I have given up.
Hello Jennifer,
it’s well over a year since your article, and I pray you are safely back on your own home soil. I stand with you! Church is not about a brick and mortar building, it is a place where believers can come together to worship our Lord and Saviour. I only recently started attending church again a month ago after being away for 11 years. I too, am tired of the hypocrisy in the church and amount those that claim to know the King we serve.
When I was a newly divorced mother of two ( my husband beat me so severely I needed 11 stitches in my head to close the head wound he gave me after one of his beatings), I went to a Baptist Church my father helped start about 15 years prior, and I was looking for a “single moms”group to be associated with for fellowship etc, I was told that I needed to be with my husband because that is what God desired. I was flabbergasted, they didn’t know my past, but they assigned their judgment based on their arrogance. No wonder people hate Christians! I’ve had several of those incidents which caused me to leave a few churches.
What people fail to realize again is the church is the body of Christ not a building! There is also a thing recently invented called the internet and this internet actually has real Biblical preachers broadcasting their sermons. Isn’t that funny? That true men of God actually are willing to preach to people who aren’t going to a physical building. I try to watch a few I like even when it’s not church time. 😂.
If the negative people on your blogs would open up the Word of God they may find such scriptures as
Luke 6:41-42. “41 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? 42 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the plank that is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye.”
Keep doing what your doing, bring up your children in the ways of God, serve Him and only Him and let the hypocrites shout their hate from the mountaintops. God knows where you are, where your heart is and whom you serve.
I admire your courage to stand up and not continue to sit with the wicked.
I pray you have found a true home where ever you have landed. I look forward to meeting a true sister in Christ when we go home one day.
Thank you for your article.
Katherine
wow, THANK YOU so much for your story. Blessings!
You are so wrong. I’m Sorry but Teachers today seem to think that Because They Are Teachers they have all the answers, if you would close your mouth and LISTEN to what she said, you would not have said what you did, She’s not full of pride. I think your the one who needs to Stop And LISTEN to what the Lord Has For You, IF you could just learn to LISTEN!!
Please understand I’m responding out of love, even though I don’t know you, as a brother in Christ. I hope you take what I say to heart and not immediately dismiss it.
There’s a little bit of selfishness in your post. But, many people who sit in pews or chairs on Sunday morning are very selfish. Church has become, “How can you serve me?” instead of “How can I serve?” Church isn’t, and never should be, about meeting my needs.
You have an idea of church that you want fulfilled wherever you choose to worship. You said as much yourself, “I miss the organ music. I miss singing hymns. I miss the Eucharist. I miss the stained glass window behind the altar.” I myself miss singing hymns and occasionally I miss having the organ, and I’m only 33! I grew up in church and I have an idea about how church should “look like.” But it’s really just a selfish desire. And again… Church isn’t, and never should be, about meeting my needs.
Church as an institution is about reaching the lost and giving an opportunity to fulfill the Biblical mandate in Hebrews 10:25. “And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”
If you are not fulfilling this mandate at a church, then where are you fulfilling that mandate? Who, outside your family, is speaking encouragement to you? Who is walking alongside you in your Christian walk? Family is great, don’t get me wrong. My wife and kids encourage me, but there is something to be said about fellow Christ followers, encouraging, keeping you accountable, etc. Who is discipling you? Who do you seek for Godly wisdom, council, encouragement?
I know you’re introverted, so am I, very much so. But using introversion as an excuse is just that… an excuse. I can use that excuse for a lot of things…. “I can’t go talk to him about you Jesus… don’t you know that I’m an introvert?”
Church is also about learning about our faith and what our Christian walk should be like. Blatant sin in leadership needs to be addressed… volunteer teachers and leaders should be evaluated constantly and taught correct theology and trained how to teach. Some people are ignorant and have never been taught what the Bible truly teaches. That could be your church’s fault, it could be the fault of another church and their teaching.
I confess, I am a student pastor. I went to Seminary, studied Hebrew and Greek, and a host of other theological thoughts, principles, doctrine, etc… and I understand its hard to hear somebody exegeting the text incorrectly. If somebody is constantly preaching false doctrine, then get out of there, but if it’s just a different understanding of text… you have to be careful. You have to go in with a spirit of learning, and “what can you teach me today, Lord” instead of… “I know more than this guy up there, or more than my teacher, why am I here?” That’s indeed a prideful and dangerous line of thinking.
And leaving because the interim wasn’t welcoming? Were you not involved and connected to that church other than hearing the pastor speak? Get connected at a church… serve… volunteer. Be the example of a good teacher so others can see how to lead. Change the culture so people will want to follow Christ by your example, not follow you out the door.
Can you “do church” from home? Absolutely. Should you do it always as your form of church? Absolutely not. And to teach otherwise is to teach people to not be connected to the body of Christ. And that’s pretty much Satan’s main attack against church… “you don’t need it… they’re not good enough… etc.”
If we didn’t need church, then why did Paul go around starting churches? I understand they weren’t like what we have today, but they were groups of believers who met regularly to encourage one another… what we’re to be doing today.
And if your heart is already discouraged about finding a church where you’ll “fit in”… you HAVE already given up.
Reiz.
You said it so much better Brother.. Amen. Wisdom ..thank you.
Pauline,
See how polite Reiz is with his comment compared to how belligerent you have been to me on Facebook? He responds with love and thoughtfulness while you do not. I am more apt to listen to him contritely than to someone so accusatory and inciting. He will make a great leader when he finishes seminary. He leads by example.
AGREED:)
Exactly what Reiz said. Praying for you to not quit going to church – for your sake, your family’s sake and the church’s sake!
Reiz,
First of all, thank you for your humility and not attacking me for my views. I don’t disagree what you’re saying.
Yes, we were involved with the church we attended. I’ve always been involved with churches we attend. I serve. I teach. I attend. I socialize (as painful as it is for me), for the sake of my family.
The congregation we recently left is all of maybe 25 people, including children. My older three kids were the older kids Sunday school class, with one other girl. My son was in the preschool-3rd grade SS class. When the Bible-believing, kind pastor left to join a larger congregation who could financially support him, the interim pastor and his wife came and will be there for a year. We were excited to help until all the discussions for changes began. We thought he would shut down the dangerous thoughts taught in Sunday School since he is from a very conservative denomination. The only discussion seemed to be changing the music to more modern to get more families in the doors. They wasted all the time in the adult Sunday school class for weeks with gossip and planning and brainstorming for curricula ideas. That’s a job for a church committee, but with so few adults, they used that time, I guess. The spaces for service and class are rented. They have no actual physical church home.
And yes, I understand Paul’s purpose. I understand that church is supposed to be an encouraging group of believers, but I shouldn’t have to subject my children to false teaching about astrology or Gnosticism. If those are used as examples in a larger teaching lesson, fine…but they were being touted as Truth in class. No.
I hope you make a difference as a leader when you complete your seminary training, but don’t lose sight of real people, with thinking brains and feelings and needs that may differ from others.
The question of Church is a good one. I left protestant/free churchism all together because I found that they turned what was the “church service/gathering” (which is what we are really talking about) into a cult. Their reasons for gathering are not based upon the reasons the Bible gives. The “church service/gathering” that was done by the apostles and the church fathers is nothing like what protestant/free church believers do today. Thus, I became a traditional catholic. I found that the true church is really there and the “church service/gathering” IS what exactly what the apostles had.
You give me lots to think about.
Many of your reasons are the same reasons I no longer attend Church. I was raised Catholic and I can barely recognize Mass anymore. They changed the responses, there’s too much “pop” style singing, and the last Homily I heard was about only the dedicated church go-ers being the real Christians (it was Christmas Eve Mass). Nooope.
I tell my husband all the time we should start our own church (not that we ever would) but like you said, we can worship wherever we are. God knows what’s truly in my heart and that’s okay with me.
I wonder if they even realize how they turn people off with their messages? I love the rituals of Catholic services. We have often sat in at churches we’ve visited all over Eruope just to listen to them sing Mass and enjoy the incense and beauty.
We’ve been there, Jennifer, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it, too. Being unable to find a church home is lonely and discouraging. The judgement and criticism from other “believers” is even worse. We’ve lived places where it was best to keep our kids away from the local churches (very unbiblical doctrine and very immoral) and that is such a hard decision to have to make. In Dallas, it took us 4 years to find a church that wasn’t openly accepting of extramarital sex. In Ohio, it took several years to find a church we *thought* was biblical. The next week, the pastor ran off with a married woman. Here in South Dakota, we attended a local church for a year before going to the membership class. In it, we learned they were NOT a “Bible” church, they have some very unbiblical beliefs that they have kept secret. We were told we were heretics for not agreeing and informed we could stay, but we couldn’t ever say anything or become members.
All that to say, we’ve been hurt, we’ve been lonely and we completely understand what you’re going through. God has blessed us with a ton of spiritual growth through all of this and we are now part of a biblical, loving church full of wonderful people. They are imperfect sinners, just like us, but they aren’t embracing their sin the way the other churches were. They, like us, are seeking to know and follow God and to love each other.
I pray that you and your family will find a beautiful church home where you can love and be loved, encourage and be encouraged, exhort and be exhorted and follow God together with other believers!!
Justyn,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for the encouragement. I love knowing I’m not alone. This is just our season. It will most likely pass. Some are so angry and misunderstood that I’ve stopped for good. I would never do that to my family and I would never tell others not to go. It’s so difficult “shopping” for Bible-believing churches with godly leaders. It’s even more difficult to find somewhere in a foreign country. We had good church experiences in San Antonio and Utah and we miss it!
Justyn and Jennifer,
It breaks my heart to hear that churches do these things and think this way! That is so sad! I can understand why you would be hurt. I am praying that God would heal your heart as you forgive the wrong they’ve done to you.
Jennifer, the thought keeps coming that maybe you could write the ones who were accepting of sin. Your voice could be a seed that shares the truth. Sometimes that is all it takes for God to start a work—one voice.
I don’t feel led to accuse – in person, in a letter, or on social media. All the homeschool teens knew about that sexual relationship, and his family was unconcerned by the knowledge or the gossip. His own younger sister and her friends, including my eldest daughter, rebuked the couple – to no avail.
Thank you, Kelly. We’ve gotten beyond the hurt of it all (though that took a while to work through) and have forgiven. In most situations, they weren’t malicious, but just very misguided, and we have been able to sincerely pray the very best for them. I know it helps to know that others have been through it, so I decided to share. :-)
“They are imperfect sinners, just like us, but they aren’t embracing their sin the way the other churches were. ”
Thank you for putting this so eloquently! I believe the “hyper-grace” movement has had a terrible impact on the church. – Karla
Thanks, Karla. We’ve seen damage done from both “hyper-grace” and highly legalistic churches. The gospel isn’t about “continuing in sin so grace may abound” nor is it about making ourselves righteous in our own power. Grace is such a misunderstood thing and it breaks my heart when it is misapplied, in either direction.
There is so much I want to say. I want to hug you! I have been where you are. I would love to privately discuss it with you. Is there a way to do that? I would welcome it because I don’t like an open forum for something so personal for you as well as me. I can promise no bashing or attack because I have been there as well.
You may email me or message me anytime.
I was physically assaulted by a church board member and he is still on the board. Yeah we left that church. The people there are still our friends and i know we are still being prayed for by many of them but I cannot take my family to a church that blatently disobeys the mandates of scripture. See titus and timothy. So we went to a different local church, and as is typical for that church, the pastor got the 7 year itch and is gone. We will try to keep going there with no real leadership, but it may not happen. We are also in the midst of major family upheaval and there are no resources or support at the new church at all. Thank God for godly friends whom i know are still speaking the life and truth of Jesus into our lives. I pray that as you decide to leave those churches ( astrology? RUN!) That you may find Godly people to be sharpened by- As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. – regardless of whether that is in a church or not.
I cannot imagine how painful those experiences must be. I think spiritual abuse is more common than we know. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for your prayers. Praying for you too!
I think you’ve done exactly the right thing. I do, however, hope when you get back to the states, you will give it another shot.
Just remember we are all sinners. Even the Sunday school teachers and the preachers.
Hugs.
:) gwingal
I’m already looking up churches in the town we’re moving to and making a list.
Jennifer, I know church going can get stressful… especially with kids. I’ve left strong Calvinistic churches that think they are the holier than thou elitist bunch that put their nose up to anyone who even listens to contemporary Christian music… to me it was an awful stench going up to Gods nostrils… where is the love? Personal preferences are often the reason people like a particular church. Sometimes we cling to certain theologies (created by smart men) rather than clinging to the God of the Bible … We are called to love.. it was the new commandment directly from Jesus. We are to love our fallen, theologically different brothers and sisters, who think, act and worship differently than ourselves. Pray for those in authority in the church, those ensnared by the deceiver of this world, and of course don’t turn a blind eye to sin, but do extend grace to those who are immature in their walk. I recently read a book by A. W. Tozer called The Pursuit of God… it will be a blessing to you.. He reminds us that we must empty ourselves, and allow God to fill us with his Spirit. We are created to worship God…. let’s exhault Him in all we endeavor to do. (I’m talking to myself, lol) If you do decide to go to a Catholic Church I caution you to avoid idol worship and praying to Mary. The veil has been torn.. Praise God.. ((hugs))
I have no intentions of going to a Catholic church. I have issues with praying to saints and Mary. We enjoyed visiting the old churches in Europe for art and architecture. I have the Tozer book in my book list to read.
Thanks for your honesty, Jennifer, and I will pray for you. I have also gone through seasons when it seemed as if the church was an obstacle to my faith rather than a asset. But then I kept coming back to all the verses in the NT about the church, and I ran into the writing of Eugene Peterson. He was a pastor for around 30 years, and so he’s got all the bruises and bumps that entails, but here’s a not-very-accurate quote of his assessment after coming to terms with all “those verses” about the church.
“Sooner or later if we are serious about growing up in Christ, we have to deal with the church. I say sooner.”
It wasn’t necessarily “sooner” for me either, but it did happen, and I’m thankful.
Thank you and I love how you put this: “seasons when it seemed as if the church was an obstacle to my faith rather than a asset.” That’s exactly how I feel!
I came over to pin your post for our party, and of course I had to read it as I am a pastor’s wife. Your phrase, “Maybe look at yourself and your church and ask why people like me don’t feel welcome.” is why I read it as I read a post yesterday about why 50% of the millennials who were raised in church no longer attend. We just moved to a new church last year and 60% of our congregation is above 60 years of age and we have nobody between 20 -35 years of age. I understand we live in a culture where many people have no desire to go to church at all, but we still need to see what is broken and why. What we can do to meet the needs of those around us — without doing pop culture, rock bands, etc. just to appeal to their flesh/entertainment. Although I do agree that we go to church to worship God corporately and to serve others and that no church is perfect, we do need to see why people do not want to come to our churches. I understand why you are not going to church where you are. I could not let someone in open sin teach my son. I do pray that you will search diligently for a church that will preach the Gospel and edify believers when you come back to the States — even if it doesn’t have everything that you wish to see in a church. Even if the pastor and his wife aren’t welcoming. That’s a scary thought as a pastor’s wife. I try to be welcoming, but I’m not perfect and I don’t want people leaving a church over me. I was talking to a friend who started coming to our church under the last pastor who was a good preacher, but she didn’t love his personality. She said, “I don’t come to church because of liking a pastor anyway, so we decided to come here.” Anyway, a church that meets all the wish list is hard to find, but God can find it for you if that is what you need to grow– or He may give you many of the things and not all of them because that is what is best for you. Just don’t give up. I know I need church so that I can hear the preaching and let God’s Word convict my heart from God leading that preacher; I am so encouraged by the older people in our church who have been so faithful and are loving; I am able to serve, worship corporately, and give of myself to others; my children need other teachers beside myself. The church is my family. I don’t know what I would do without their support and encouragement.
Thank you for perspective as a pastor’s wife.
We’ve attended so many different churches. We have to find a new one every 2-4 years as we are a military family. It’s hard to fit in and we often feel no one wants to waste time on us transients.
One church in San Antonio we loved the people but the pastor was so bland and obviously ready to retire. Another church in Utah we adored the pastor and tolerated the congregation and we attended there until we moved away and he retired.
It’s becoming increasingly difficult to find conservative services. I wonder where the line should be drawn between my being so accepting and tolerant that I am never spiritually fed for the sake of just attending a fellowship where I am uncomfortable. Too few people want to intelligently discuss these church issues.
Hi Jen, thank you for sharing your thoughts about church, going and not going. I hope you will find that one church for your family that is right for you and searching is not a negative it actually is positive as you are not giving up, you are striving for something to a higher standard. Everyone can have a personal relationship with God, no matter where they are.
Thank you so much for the encouragement!
Hey there, my friend! It’s so good to ‘see’ you again!
I will be praying for you… and not in a cursing or bless-your-heart kind of way, either!
I know this road well. We spent years trying to squish ourselves in and then nearly a decade with really very little effort to fit. Parts of our walk with God actually thrived in that ‘wilderness’ (?) season… others definitely were trickier, at best. But we wouldn’t trade that time for anything – and now, well –be careful! We were called to start a church about two years ago. So – obviously, we go every week now –but it’s the church we were longing for all of those years but could never find!
I am trusting that He is guiding you and growing you and I love that you approached it as a family. May you thrive and draw ever closer to Him along this road!
Thank you so much, Karilee!
Why Not look for another church or something like that?
Jennifer, Thank you for handling a really difficult subject with gentleness and truth. I think you speak for many. So, many valuable points presented in a thoughtful way. Thanks so much for linking up at Counting My Blessings. God bless you!
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Way to be firm in your decision. I think you’ve got it right. If church is not serving the right purpose for you then why go? Once you get back to the states maybe you can find a church that fits your beliefs and the leadership you are looking for. Until then, keep doing what you are doing! Thanks for sharing your faith in this way.
Thank you!
Our youth are being taught in these apostate churches and not many “Christians” have the guts to leave.
We need to stop supporting this already! We homeschool and yet take our children to these churches.
We also left. We are Christians. We have in NO way walked away from the Lord!
God bless and I pray for wisdom for you and yours.
Mrs.O
I can thoroughly relate to this struggle, as I’ve been out of church for just over a year. The antinomianism, apostasy, lack of church discipline when needed {this causes a little leaven to leaven the whole lump}, the focus on programs, entertainment, rock music {that is supposed to be “praise and worship”}, shallow preaching, pop culture influence, false Bible translations…I could go on and on. I still pray and seek, but in these last days in which perilous times have come, it is very difficult to find a Biblically-based, doctrinally sound New Testament church.
I do build up myself in my most holy faith through daily Bible reading/study, daily prayer, listening to sermons, etc. Ironically, I’ve grown in grace and in the knowledge of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ through this much more than any church in which I’ve been a part.
Jennifer, you’re not alone! God bless you!
Amen. Xx
Yay, I AM NOT ALONE. Thanks for that. I love it. I need it.
I stumbled across this post quite by accident and decided to read it and the comments in hopes something said may actually benefit myself and my family. We raised our children “in church” and served in many capacities over a 18 year period. Neither myself or my husband have family close by and church family was our only family. After so many years of praying together, serving together, crying together, and a million hugs and “I love yous” from those that I truly thought meant every word……..we had a season where our family was in crisis and as a result, my health suffered. We were not able to attend as often and were unable to serve. As we were more and more absent, we were more and more forgotten. We had a couple of phone calls, one visit from someone who was a friend outside of church anyway, and zero visits from our pastor. The less we were shown love, the less we wanted to go to church. We have stopped going altogether now. When I see members who were like family to me at Walmart or other places, they act fake and uncomfortable and say “we miss yall” but I know they don’t mean it……its just what is expected to say. Please realize we were servants for the Lord, worshipers of the Lord, and did what we did for the right reasons. But how am I supposed to go back to church broken hearted and continue as before knowing the “encouragement” and “support” are just not there. My husband and I are mature, we don’t do social media by choice, we are not easily offended………we just don’t know what the Lord wants us to do. I would appreciate any comments ~ Annie
I’ve certainly felt that way at several churches too.
When my husband deployed, they made empty promises.
We’ve served at many churches and it is a thankless job. I felt many had the attitude of “Whew! At least they’re doing something, so I don’t have to do it!” It wore me out and I begged my husband for a break. Our family was suffering at the pace and I don’t think that’s what Jesus wants.
I wish I had brilliant words of advice. I know the trite Christian responses of “You’re serving the Lord in the right spirit, so don’t be weary at the hands of men…”
But it IS hard. It DOES hurt.
I’ve experienced more negative experiences and abuse in churches and by professed Christians than anywhere else, by anyone else. It’s sad and disheartening and depressing.
I know we can still make a difference. I wonder if the Lord is testing us, bending us so far to teach us lessons in love and kindness – what not to do, how not to treat others. We should never return evil for evil, as hard as that is.
Praying that you get some answers and have peace.
Thank you for your honesty. Our family has also had some bad experiences within churches and we took the very difficult decision to leave almost 10 years ago. If anything, our walk with God has become closer, as we have relied on Him solely for guidance. I’m sure there are many people in similar situations, who probably feel afraid to leave church in case they “backslide”.
Our salvation is through the Lord Jesus Christ, and nothing and nobody can snatch us out of His hand. He calls us to worship, praise and diligently seek Him.
Enjoy this precious time of family study and worship, and try not to be hurt by the thoughtless comments of people who don’t understand where you are at right now.
God knows your hearts and that is all that matters. God bless you and keep you, xxx
Thank you so much for the encouragement and kindness.
Hi, Jennifer, I’m visiting from the Moments of Hope Link-up. Although I am now in a church I love and can’t imagine not going to church, I have been where you are. About a decade ago, our family left a hurtful, legalistic church. We were so bruised from our years there that we knew we needed some time away, so we churched at home for over 8 months.
There are seasons for everything in our lives, and your family is obviously in a season of worshiping at home. I’m sure it will be a time of great blessing as you draw even closer to one another.
Blessings,
Patti @ Joy in the Middle
Thank you. “Bruised” is a good word to describe the feelings. Bruises heal with time.
Came across this from a “linking party”, and I’m glad I did. I am praying for you, not because I think you’re wrong or I disagree with what you’re saying or that I think you need to change anything. I am praying that you continue as strong as you seem in your faith and convictions, and praying that you and your family will be the strong leaders that the church needs so desperately. It’s hard to continue in a fellowship that drains you, but yes I do say don’t give up (I don’t read that in your post, it doesn’t sound like you’re giving up), because we need true, biblical, strong leadership in the church today. Honestly, that’s the only reason I see why we go to church – to encourage each other, teach each other, and hold each other accountable to the truth. Best to you.
Thank you for your prayers!
We left our church a few years ago; my sons catholic school was shut down and it was all handled so poorly by our diocese that it just turned me away entirely. Hearing that the archbishop wanted to shut down all the catholic schools under his domain made me really question the chain of command and what they were all thinking. Who was I really supporting?? While I had no problems with our local church and it’s members there is a hierarchy in the church and most of our money is funneled out… I just couldn’t help getting a bad feeling about who that money was going to. I find I actually seem to pray more now and find great solace in being out in nature; more so than I ever did in church.
That’s tough. I would wonder about the circumstances too…
I love being in nature also.
As long as you are genuinely seeking God for the answers, the journey you take is no one’s business but your own. Your prompting to share it may be comforting to someone else going through the same thing. There is no reason to feel guilty about seeking God. He is not only in the church. In fact, He probably isn’t in many churches today because it’s all about THEM, not God.
You are a great mom for taking your kids out of that situation. You were called to be their mom and protect them, at all costs, from impure situations…even if they are in the church.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate. I hope someone else is helped along the way. Please continue to posts your journey to find a new church or just to continue to grow in God…right where you are.
Blessings
I pray my story helps and comforts others. Thank you!
Keep believing as your heart tells you. What you are doing is right for you and your family. Doesn’t matter what other people believe or feel, only you and your families’ ideas are what counts. there will always be somebody who loves to preach to you about how wrong you are, how do they know, maybe they are wrong.
I have a friend who tells me I am sinning by not going to church. We don’t go to church for many of same reasons you feel as you do. This friend lies to me, tries to intimidate me when I disagree with her but she is going to heaven because she goes to church? What about her conscience? What about how she lives her life?
I know so many people who go to church and are hypocrites, my own Mother was one. If I tried to talk to her about problem between us, all she could say to me was “after all I’ve done for you, this is way you thank me?”
She lied to my own kids telling them I had taken all her money. Never told them we paid her back and what I had done for her at my own expense many times. She tried to turn my own kids against me but she went to church so was ok in her mind? She preferred my husband because I wouldn’t cow tow to her, agree with everything she said. She lied to my brother, turning him against me.
We stay home, we live a decent God fearing life, not always best people but best we can be. Our relationship with God is our business, nobody else’s. God is whom we answer to.
Am glad you wrote this post. As you found out there are many opinions on going or not going to church. There is so much more to what people say.
Hope you had wonderful Mother’s Day with your family. Good luck to you when you return to the States.
I’m so sorry about your friend and mother. Hurting people hurt others.
Thank you for your story.
I’m not going to give advice since so many others have covered anything I might want to say. I hardly ever go to church anymore for some of the reasons you mentioned. I do feel like a fish out of water when I no longer know how to sing half the music. I’d like to go to church more often, and I have nothing against our pastor’s preaching. The truth is that I’m a night owl and do my writing at night after Hubby goes to bed.
When we joined the church thirty years ago when I was younger, it met at 10:30 and I wasn’t blogging yet or maintaining a bookselling website. Several years ago the church changed the time of the worship service to 9:30 and I can’t reset my body clock to fall asleep by midnight on Saturday night so I can wake up in time to get ready for church. Getting ready takes me longer than it used to for medical reasons. It doesn’t do much good to go to church if you are half asleep. I sleep until I wake up and have my own time with God while Hubby is at church and I am alone.
Aside from these past few years, I’ve been an active part of a church for the first 60 years of my life. I’ve only felt at home in the one I grew up in and one we spent nine years in two years after we finished college. We had to leave that church, a Reformed mission church in the inner city, when we moved again because my husband got a new job. I was more active there than in any church I joined later because it was small and without a pastor more than with one. Lay people did almost everything. They had to.
Our current church has never had an evening service. If it did, I’d go to church more regularly. As things stand now, most people at church treat me more like a visitor than a member, and I don’t blame them. It’s my own fault I feel like a fish out of water. But right now I don’t feel up to doing much more than I am. Sometimes God lays it on my heart to go to church, and when He does, I go. What fits one stage of life doesn’t always fit the others.
Thank you for your perspective and encouragement!
Ideally, Christians will go to church. Christianity is partly about being part of a gathered community. Walking alongside each other and learning from each other. But life isn’t ideal. Being part of the wrong church isn’t great – and there may be times when it’s better to step away for a bit rather than go to somewhere that’s not right. You’re doing loads of things to ensure you and your family keep walking with God. And you’ve acknowledged that not going to church is for a season.
God won’t ask us how many church services we’ve attended. He’ll ask how we loved him, feed his lambs, tended his sheep etc.
Hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day. Good luck with finding the right church for you! There is one, it may take a bit of finding!
LOVE THIS: “God won’t ask us how many church services we’ve attended.” Thank you!
Yikes. If the church I went to was like that, I wouldn’t go either. There’s a difference between saying we’re all imperfect and straight up living in sin and not caring about it and accepting a leadership role–as in the case of the Sunday school teacher you mentioned above. We are military too, and it has been impossible to find a good church some places. Each place had different problems. Thankfully, where we are in Georgia, our church is pretty good and even has a school we can use. Here’s hoping your next duty station will be a way way better church situation. (Oh, and I totally get the introvert thing. My kids and I live in dread of AWANA and VBS. lol–a very unpopular sentiment…)
I grew up in Georgia. I remember the churches there. Glad you found a good one!
I think it’s better to be true to your faith than just ‘go to church’ because you’re meant to. I’m sure you’ll find a church more suited to you and your family when you get back to the states. Other people’s judgement should not matter. God & you know what you and your family believe.
#twinklytuesday
Thank you!
This was a well written article. My family switched churches from a Catholic to one of those light show churches lol My kids were getting bored in church so we switched. They are loving the new church. Plus once or twice a month we have church at home. We live 40 minutes from this church so sometimes we have church at home in our pj’s. Yes it is more work for me but whatever it takes to get my kids closer to God. Which is the most important thing.
I agree! That is important.
Thank you for sharing this at my linkup. We also have been struggling with our church situations…things aren’t much better in small-town California than they are in Germany, apparently! We’ve been to 5 churches in the last ten years, and I hate that because it looks like we are the problem! haha. But as a girl I attended the same church from 9-22 and thought it was wonderful. Our current church is legalistic and won’t let us participate in ministry because we don’t agree with their strict standards. I prayed and prayed and God showed me that I can minister through my blog and my writing. We still attend church because they do have a wonderful kids’ program. I’m also an introvert, but I also know that we are told to show His love to others, so I try to still reach out when I’m there and remind myself that it’s not about me. I will certainly be praying for you! (And maybe you can pray for me too? ;) ) Again, thank you for sharing with the #warriorlinkup. It’s important for Christians to realize that it’s not as easy for everyone, that there are still places in this world where good churches aren’t available, and that assembling ourselves together as commanded in God’s word can be done in creative, untraditional ways.
I will absolutely pray for you!
AMEN: “It’s important for Christians to realize that it’s not as easy for everyone”
Hi Jennifer,
Good post! It is tough when you decide to leave a church and leaving where there’s corruption is a very good reason for leaving since church leadership is supposed to deal with that. I attended Calvary Chapel of Murrieta for 20 years and at one point Pastor Brian Bell felt like God was calling him to lead the church body to be doing more missionary work and talking about working with different missions-type groups, like really helping people recover and get saved from human trafficking. All good stuff, but a lot of people (1000) left the church at that time. It was kind of thrown on them and could have been brought up and implemented differently as I learned in an article that was published in the Press-Enterprise that was recently published about Brian Bell {I looked up Brian Bell, pastor}, and Brian discussed that perhaps he didn’t approach the idea to the church body well. I probably missed this because I was in and out of church a lot then with two high schoolers, sports, working in the school district, life. LOL :) I do remember Brian’s sermon one time about looking at the church as a whole and not as the pastor, which is interesting. I personally hope Pastor Brian never retires but goes on pastoring until he passes away at a really advanced age. His knowledge of history makes the Bible just come alive, which is what I love and how I personally learn best!
But when a pastor leaves, its tough because what you’re used to isn’t there anymore. And, yes, you DO want Biblical based studies and topicals, and I agree it’s much harder for people who aren’t as social. My daughter and husband are much less social than my son and myself. We recently moved to Texas and I’m happy to be here! In the little town we’ve settled in currently, there are 24 churches, I believe. I’ve been to one here and one a distance away, more similar to the Calvary Chapel system I’m used to. I think I’m in your same boat and I need to get out there but I’m getting shyer as I get older, which is odd to me. I did join a Bible study here where we live and that is “my church” at present. God does not call all people in the same way, as you know, and will meet you wherever you are. That’s the cool thing about God!
And, yes, Christians screw it up for other Christians by being hypocritical; I am living proof of that and I wonder if that’s why my daughter won’t go to church now. I have apologized for my failings with her and we’ve talked about it. She still believes, of which I am happy. I pray she will find her way home and back to Jesus, but when the Holy Spirit leads her, not me.
Life is tough but at least we know that having faith, and the idea of getting together in a church is good ~ God knows that we are stronger as a group than alone {that wonderful verse from Ecclesiastes 4:12 ~ Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (NIV)} I had to look this up on Biblehub.com as I have a very good memory for stories but not verses and where they are found, though I do read my Bible and it’s getting more marked up all the time. A work in progress! Anyway, we can get through the trials of life when we have each other. The whole reason for church.
Even right here, right now, I know because we are meeting here as a group online, God is in our midst. Good post, btw, and very informational. Glad your family is rock solid. <3 My brother and sister-in-law attended military base churches in both Germany and England when they were stationed overseas. Linnea also home schooled. Good stuff. :)
Blessings to you and your family, always,
Barb :)
I’m also going through similar issues with my teen daughter. I didn’t do it right. I don’t want to lead my kids astray, but I will not have them under false preaching or open sin leadership. IT’S SO HARD. Thank you for your story.
Wow, Jennifer, I would really ask you to continue to search the scriptures on this topic. Not your heart, and not other blogs, but God’s word. Because He commands us to congregate with other believers. I feel you as an introvert. Church can be difficult for me as well, but God knows best and that doesn’t depend on our personalities.
This statement of yours really gave me pause, “I’m a leader. I’m a teacher. I’m a counselor. It’s hard for me to just sit back and be lectured to, read to, talked at…”
I pray that you will consider what I am about to say because it is said in love from one Christian sister to another. I know tone is difficult to convey through the internet, but this comes across as very prideful. Last year the Lord gave me the word “humble,” so as I took my yearly journey through the scriptures that was in the forefront of my mind, and I was so surprised by the number of times throughout scripture we are told to be open to instruction, and cautioned against the pride of feeling that we are somehow above instruction.
Even if you are a leader, teacher, and counselor, you still need to learn from the authorities the Lord has put into place. You need to bow to HIS ultimate leadership, and not pridefully put your ideas above those of the Lord God Almighty, who gave us a command in his word to submit to the authority placed over us, and to not forsake the gathering together with other believers.
Signed,
A believer who goes to church, even when it’s not always easy.
I do not believe in blind obedience. I will not submit to openly sinful authority or false preachers.
I am not “above instruction.” I have a teachable spirit, but when teaching is false, dumbed down, just plain wrong, New Age, witchcraft/fortune-telling/astrology…I will not submit myself nor my children to that.
I refuse to learn from just any “authority.” This is where abuse is too easy. That attitude produces victims.
You’re twisting my words. Nowhere did I say that you should submit to witchcraft, this is a ridiculous and not at all the type of conversation I tried to gently have with you. I put myself out there in vulnerability even knowing that your response would probably be to lash out in attack toward me. I did that out of care for you as a CHristian sister.
I did not say to blindly submit to anything unscriptural. I only encouraged you to prayerfully consider your words stating that you are a leader and teacher yourself and don’t want to sit and listen to someone else teach. [Your exact words, “I’m a leader. I’m a teacher. I’m a counselor. It’s hard for me to just sit back and be lectured to, read to, talked at…”] You did not mention anything about unscriptural teaching in that statement but said you don’t want to be taught at all, implying that being a teacher/leader/counselor yourself, you’re somehow above instruction. That is a big problem.
No. You picked and chose one statement in my post that you don’t like.
You cite that I “did not mention anything about unscriptural teaching *in that statement* ” that I “don’t want to be taught at all, implying that being a teacher/leader/counselor yourself, you’re somehow above instruction.”
I’m not above instruction. Our pastor retired at the church we attended in Utah and he was an amazing teacher and preacher. We moved away that same month, so it was a blessing in disguise.
I’m above false instruction. I will not abide New Age or astrology teachings as gospel. I am discerning enough to recognize and denounce false teaching whereas it seems others are compromising and accepting of it in the name of fellowship.
You said that you stopped going to church because, in big bold letters, “I don’t like church” and you followed that up by saying that YOU are a leader and teacher and don’t like listening to someone else.
If that one church is teaching false doctrine, find another. But just as you are discerning enough to recognize teaching that is contrary to the Bible’s teachings, so am I. And when I see someone who calls herself a leader and teacher, teaching something that is contrary to the Bible (saying that it’s okay and Biblical to not go to church just because you don’t like it), I will absolutely speak up and call it out, as I see a few others have before me.
The reason it’s “not popular” among Christians to not go to church is because the BIBLE, God’s word tells us to congregate with other believers. Yes, we should be doing family devotions, but that does not take the place of corporate worship and there are many reasons for this, as others have pointed out.
Although in reading through the comments, it’s concerning just how popular this anti-Biblical opinion has become. It’s quite sad and I hope that you will search the scripture before you continue to spread your false teaching. The Bible places an immense burden on those who call themselves teachers.
I know the frustrations of church as well, but haven’t given up on it since the church is the body of believers for whom Christ died and is called the Bride of Christ. Paul described the proper functioning of the church in 1 Cor 12:12-31 and it says nothing about styles of music, potluck or coffee and cookies. According to scripture the church isn’t a social club and does serve a great purpose as it is God’s design from the beginning. I get your frustrations and desire to not have conflict and hypocrisy and I have been heartbroken and worn out from church at times too, but just because “a church” may not be right, doesn’t mean a believer should turn their back on it all together. Remember that the enemy seeks to divide and wars against us, so even though you may feel frustration, the real battle is not against flesh and blood (people in the church) but against rulers, authorities and powers of darkness and forces of evil in the heavenly realm. (Eph 6:12) Consider how much easier it is to defeat an individual believer or family of believers than it is a unified body who stands together. I agree that you could wait until you move to rejoin a fellowship, but don’t give up on the body of Christ all together. Hang in there Jennifer and fight the good fight, joined together with like-minded believers who will love and pray for you. And remember, don’t ever just “go to church”, as believers, we need much more to BE the church.
Amen!
I’m not sure if you’re agreeing with me or rebuking me.
No Western church is like the one that Paul describes.
The church we left is more than just “not right.” It was open sin and false teaching. I will not submit to that.
I thought the same thing. After being spurned by what we thought was the Church but was in fact just a church, we had given up on finding a Church similar to those found in the Bible. We weren’t sure they even existed anymore. Turns out we were wrong, they are out there. It’s true, the majority of churches (particularly American churches) are more concerned with all the fluff and none of the substance. And it can be hard to sift through all the falsehood to find the one that speaks truth, but they are out there. Look for a smaller Church, one that puts a great emphasis on preaching Biblically sound doctrine while also tending to the brethren and serving the community it is in. They might not be in the phone book and it might take some digging to find them, but they are there. In my Church we have weekly service on Sunday where the entire congregation comes together to worship and fellowship, but throughout the week there are several even smaller groups that get together to study the Word. The story of how we came into this Church is amazing, only God could have made it possible. Don’t give up on finding the true Church, they are out there. Pray and seek God first, He will bring you into the right Church when the timing is right.
Best wishes.
Thanks for the encouragement!
You mentioned several churches with problems with each of them. Yes, it should be doctrinally sound, but other than that you can’t expect perfection. One church is conservative and a bit legalistic. One is too charismatic. One starts too early. You listed a host of reasons (like the fact that you don’t like church due to you being a leader and teacher yourself and not wanting to sit and listen to someone else teach), and mentioned false teaching almost as an aside after all those other reasons.
No church will be perfect, but it sounds like none could be for you unless YOU were the minister and teacher.
I don’t expect perfection. I expect decency and Biblical teachings.
Hi Jennifer! The way you explained it, it’s no surprise you and your family chose to stay away from church for a while. I might probably do the same thing if I found myself in a similar situation. I like the fact, though, that you weren’t angry and kept fellowshipping with your family, living out your faith and praying for other believers in groups and churches. This type of experience if properly handled can rejuvenate, rather than cripple one’s faith, and add extra fervency to our interactions and servive when we do go back to church. Thanks for sharing. You are blessed! (Christian Blogger Community)
Thank you! I love this: “This type of experience if properly handled can rejuvenate, rather than cripple one’s faith, and add extra fervency to our interactions and servive when we do go back to church.” I pray it is so!
Praying, Jennifer. In many ways my husband and I can relate to your experience, not all but some. I understand and appreciate you for sharing this too.
Blessings,
Meg W.
Thank you!
Jennifer, I am visiting from a linking party and your title caught my eye. We have been where you are so my heart went out to you while reading your post. Keep your eyes on our Lord and trust that in His perfect timing He will bring you in communion with a church family when you are back in the States. Blessings in Christ.
Thank you so much!
Do not pursue the flock. Pursue the Shepherd and He will bring you into the flock.
Best wishes.
Oh, I like that!
It’s something God gave me when we were searching for a Church. Took 3 years and a cross country move. ;)
Jennifer, I couldn’t agree with you more. Sometimes we just can’t attend church on a regular basis, or it isn’t possible to find a church that resonates with us. At the moment, we are at a season in our life where we haven’t been able to attend church regularly either. It doesn’t make our faith any less passionate, or our relationship with God any less important in our lives. Thank you so much for sharing this post with us at Hearth and Soul.
Thank you! I love this: “It doesn’t make our faith any less passionate, or our relationship with God any less important in our lives.” Amen!
In the light of what you have experienced sounds like you made a wise decision , keep up the gathering at home with the scripture, for where two are gathered He will be there
Thanks!
I sooo understand your situation. I have been there. I had heard once that there was a study done back in the 1990s that in America alone there were over 50,000 Protestant denominations, growing at a rate of 5 per week. So it’s now 2017 and I don’t even want it imagine what that number might be. The problem is that a new denomination starts because someone believed something different than someone else. So my question was, how can there be One God and One Truth and yet over 50,000 different ways to choose to believe. And they all claim the Bible as their foundation.
You said in one response that there is no Western church like the one Paul talks about. And you said in your article that you enjoy reading about the church fathers and the martyrs. Have you considered the Church of the fathers and the martyrs?
Eleven years ago I quit my Protestant charismatic church and visited an Orthodox Christian Church. It was difficult at first because it was so different from what I had ever known before. And I wasn’t sure if I agreed with everything. But the beauty of the worship and the ancient foundation of the Faith kept calling me back. The Truth of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit was the essence of worship, not the opinions and “brilliant insights” of whatever person happened to be at the pulpit. I have been an Orthodox Christian for over 10 years now and I continue find that the waters grow ever deeper. I am amazed by God’s glory!
I would encourage you, and any disillusioned Protestant or Catholic, to check it out wherever you are. Find an Orthodox church. Go at least 2 or 3 times and ask questions while you are there. And if you wish, call the church ahead of time and talk to the priest and tell him what’s on your heart. May I also recommend the books “The Orthodox Church” and “The Orthodox Way” by Tomorrow Ware.
While it is true that any group of people will have its imperfections, the “Faith once delivered to all the Saints” is perfect.
God bless you in your search.
Yes, I wonder: “how can there be One God and One Truth and yet over 50,000 different ways to choose to believe. And they all claim the Bible as their foundation.”
I will definitely add those books to my reading list. I will look into Orthodox. We loved the churches we visited in Greece, but I wonder how the American ones might differ.
They do not differ. That’s the beauty of it all. Wherever you attend an Orthodox Church, America, Greece, Russia, Romania, Serbia, Isreal, Lebanon, etc., we are all doing the same Liturgy. The only differences will be the language and ethnic flavor. But the Faith, the doctrine, the theology are all the same. Given by and through our Lord Jesus Christ, confirmed by the 7 Ecumenical Council’s, and preserved by Holy Tradition. You will find the different ethic Orthodox churches in America, i.e. Greek, Russian, Antiochian, and they may each have a different flavor. But have no doubt that they all believe and worship the same. Every Sunday, we do the same Liturgy that was done 1700 years ago. There is nothing “new and innovative”, and therefore no dangers to fall into when striving to be “relevant.” What is the purpose of that anyway? Churches waste so much time trying to “make God relevant to us” when it is we who should be making ourselves relevant to God. He is God. That is relevance enough.
Again, God bless you in your search.
Jennifer,
When I read your tittle I thought, “Oh my, this lady is going to get an ear full.” Not from me, because I respect people’s decisions to make their OWN decision.
I haven’t read all the comments, because I can tell some of the comments back to you aren’t supportive, which isn’t shocking.
The word selfish is a word I saw a few times while skimming through the comments, and I have to say I do NOT think that is the case.
How can it be selfish to make a decision for your family? A decision based on your values? How is it selfish to still carry on your practice in your home with your family? I’m just not sure how it’s selfish.
I’m wishing you and your family all the best!
Thank you! I was sort of prepared for some of the backlash.
Thank you for sharing the whys of not attending church. It was interesting to read and encouraging to hear that (if it doesn’t feel right or leaves us with negative feelings), it’s better we worship God in a different way!
Visiting from Faith’nFriends
Thank you!
I am blown away by the number of responses and comments you received to this post. We attend a large church where there is a great electric show and rock band that we try to avoid at all costs because the message is usually good. Lately we have given up going, though, with the pinky promise that we will spend some time in nature, praying, talking, being grateful, reading scripture on our own. We are both introverts, too, so not interested in pot-luck and home studies. Glad to read we are not alone.
Glad to know someone else is out there as well!
I have no idea what it’s like to find a church in another culture and country, but I believe church is about the getting out of our own life and needs. Church isn’t perfect for sure. Many people go our of habit but a true church experience is one of putting up with family members as they put up with us, learning how to love, service, commitment, learning from others, etc. It’s less about us and more about Him. I actually think the trend is less on church and more on staying at home/nature and doing our own thing, but it can (in some situations) then to be less accountable. And I think the church at large does so much charitable work and hope people can see past it’s short comings (will never be perfect) to commit to the His bride.
Thanks for linking up to Waste not Wednesday
I don’t disagree with what the purpose of church SHOULD be. But the churches here haven’t seemed to agree with the Bible. And the one we used to attend did no charitable works or fed us spiritually at all. It was just social time.
Hi Jennifer,
Praying God meets you right where you are in the here and now. I agree, we don’t need a church building to have a relationship with Christ. However, even in the midst of the brokenness of the Church, there is something God does in us through having a community of believers around us. I wrote a post called “Betrayal and the Church: Just Choose Jesus.” It may give you something to chew on and definitely some encouragement. I won’t link it up here since I know many prefer not to have links in comments. But you could search it with my name and it will come up.
Much love and prayers,
Lori
Good post. And I don’t disagree.
We left A Church, not The Church.
North coast church. They have the sermons online, and are radically biblical. As in nothing that isn’t in the Bible is added in and nothing that is in the Bible is left out. If you’re ever looking for something to watch, they’re also very military friendly and have home churches on duty stations all over the world. Can’t say enough good things about them.
I’ll check it out. Thanks!
Ten years ago I started asking “Why?” I didn’t get all my answers at once, but in a nutshell I learned “church” as we do it is not biblical. It is a bunch of man-made traditions that don’t even come close to resembling the church as described in the Book of Acts when the church was birthed. Many of those traditions were pagan in origin. I quit going to church too, but I struggled with guilt because tradition measures how good a Christian we are by how often we go to church. A few years ago I read “Pagan Christianity” by the respected George Barna and Frank Viola. John 8:32 KJVS says, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” Knowing the origins of church traditions set me free! I don’t want to go to church; I want to be the church. Being set free has allowed me to do just that!
Thank you for your testimony! I will look into that book too.
Oh Jennifer! It is so important to feel spiritually fed, and that the doctrines that you teach in your home are consistent in the Church. I homeschool my four kids and feel that the Gospel is (as it should be) part of who we are in how we live and treat others, far more than a place to go on Sunday.
I know that God knows and loves each of us, and that He has a role for each of us in His plan. I know Jesus Christ is my Savior and that He organized His Church when He walked this earth. I also know that God is a perfect, unchangeable being, who did not change His standards or doctrine when Jesus was on Earth to help people not feel offended or to fit in with changes in society, and does not today.
It seems only fitting that a loving Heavenly Father would provide a way for us to find peace in this life, and eternal life in the next through His Son. The ancient Church HAS been restored. It is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It IS about discipleship, not about socials, and various philosophies of men and their individual interpretation of scripture based on the climate of the day.
My family moved around internationally and this Church gave us a “family” wherever we went, where my parents knew that although the culture may be different, that the doctrine taught in Church would be consistent and in harmony with what they taught in their home. Even the songs were the same which made us feel a sense of belonging :). The focus is not on socials, coffee and cookies, or measuring up to a certain standard to be accepted, just imperfect people trying to follow their perfect Savior.
So many things you said, and others said, reminded me how much of a thirst for truth there is in this world, truth from the source of All.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/jesus-christs-church
Jennifer, thank you for your honesty and transparency. I really needed to read this today. My family and I have been going through pretty much the same thing since June of this year. Our church got a new pastor too, when you described your interim pastor and his wife you described ours.
He put on a great front, answering all the questions the right way; excited to have a body that is involved and likes to help; until the voting was done; then it all changed.
My husband was song leader and has a nursing home ministry; I was a {the} SS teacher for children {without us, there are no children in the church}, the church clerk and responsible for any and all forms of media and advertising.
This new pastor came in and he quit preaching behind the pulpit; when my husband and I went to him about some unscriptural practices going on between the treasurer and check-signer, to our face he agreed it had to stop, but then went behind our backs and told them we’d come talk to him, oh, did I mention, they are part of our family – imagine if you will how having a ‘pastor’ who goes along with your unscriptural money handling decisions for the church and your family members bring it up to him as not being right- how that affects family relations.
Things really got bad after that; suddenly someone ‘broke in’ to the church, they bypassed all the computers, sound equipment and other electronics for the safe, which they opened, and removed the contents of {the church deed} and took only an open, empty safe.
Anytime a suggestion was brought up for the church to give SS teachers {me, I was the only one beside the one adult teacher} an allowance for supplies it was met with anger and yelling…I didn’t think it fair that the church spent almost $300.00 a year for adult SS quartiles but wouldn’t help pay for some of the supplies for my class.
After that was brought up the blog and social media pages I made for the church suddenly disappeared {I have given the pastor access to them all, thought it was the right thing to do}, of course when I asked him what happened to them he had no clue what I was talking about.
My punishment for asking about the blog and social media pages was being locked out of the office….remember, I was the clerk. Their reasoning was 6-8 weeks prior the office was broken into and this way only two people would have a key….so…..now they think I stole the safe?????
My SS student said her memory verse every week in front of the congregation during song service on Sunday mornings. One Sunday we had a stand in song leader. The pastor was reminded about her memory verse, but he forgot. After services he asked if there were anything else before dismissing us, I raised my hand and said, Abigail’s memory verse. He proceeded to YELL at me from the pulpit, “I didn’t know, no one told me, how was I supposed to know” while throwing up his arms and hands. She didn’t want to go up there, but together we did.
The treasurer made a point to mock me in front of the men of the church when he misquoted Scripture and attempted to get the pastor to set a rule where the women could not speak or vote a business meetings.
The pastor felt bad for me I guess because he called a meeting with me and my husband, I brought up being locked out of the office, or, really, the way it was handled; I told him I didn’t care if I was locked out, but I needed access to the printer for my SS class lessons, he agreed, and moved the printer where I had access without having to get someone to open the office.
That lasted 3 weeks. Twice I let the pastor know via text the printer was very low on ink, he never responded to me; he didn’t put any paper with the printer, no problem, I had my own. Suddenly one Friday afternoon my husband received a group text from the pastor, emergency men’s meeting tomorrow morning.
He and our 18 year old son {he’s a member too} went to the meeting …. the meeting was about me……without me.
They were looking for a reason to church me. They attempted to convince my husband and son that in three weeks, I had printed over 700 sheets; they were having a fit because the ink that was bought almost a year ago was running low. I know I didn’t print 700 sheets since we bought that ink, never-the-less in three weeks time.
I didn’t do anything wrong. My husband and I brought some things to the pastor that were going on that are not Scriptural. I didn’t talk to anyone else other than my husband about these things.
My husband and son put them all in their place, reminding them of all the stuff they had been doing to me; and for a moment they all felt bad; but it didn’t last, at least not with the ones who ‘run’ the church.
I was so embarrassed to go to church Sunday morning, but I went, and everyone acted like they hadn’t seen me in years, suddenly it went from people stopping talking when I walked into the room to everyone coming up and hugging me. I wanted to run away and hide.
That too was short lived.
Wednesday evening we went to church, I noticed the printer was not where it had been put so I could print off SS lessons. After church, when we were outside, I quietly asked the pastor where the printer was, he said it was back in the office, that I didn’t have a key to. I asked him how was I supposed to print up lessons, he said he would unlock the door for me. Ok. We made plans to meet the following morning.
My husband and I went up there the following morning, but it wasn’t to print. After a night of tears and prayers we felt it was time to take a break from all this too.
While we were there the treasurer stopped by, said the pastor told him I needed to print……..really……..the pastor was supposed to open the door for me, not him. I finished packing my things in the room the Lord so graciously let me use to teach children about Jesus. We left our church keys on the table in fellowship hall and left.
When my husband called the pastor to let him know we were taking a break he didn’t care. He told other church members we were never coming back. He hasn’t called to check on us or come over; he’s had no contact with us.
I said all of that to say this……when we moved to where we live now, three years ago, we began looking for a new church home; every time we drove by that church I felt a strong tug from the HS to go there; we finally did and when we walked in it felt like home. After attending a couple of months, we joined.
Our pastor and his family moved away after a couple of years and everything went down hill.
My husband and I are struggling with the same things you spoke of; we feel guilty, I miss church; I miss my church, and I don’t understand because the building is not the church, we are; we have visited other churches and man, we were fed from the pulpit, wow, it was amazing, but something is still missing.
We’ve gone back to our church for a few sessions and while it felt good to be home, we were not fed, and the tension is so thick there, again, something is missing, I don’t know what to do, it is driving me crazy, I constantly pray about it; the very first message we heard when we went visiting to other churches was about sticking it out ……I feel like my life is falling a part because of all this.
If all this wasn’t bad enough I have family members who haven’t darkened a church door in years judging me and scorning me if we miss a service. I don’t know what to do; when I pray I am not hearing any direction….does that mean to be still and keep going to our church and trust God?!?!? I don’t know.
I am sorry this is so long, I needed to get this out, I didn’t tell you everything here, I’d still be writing; your post was so amazing and we are feeling a lot of the same things….thank you for taking the time to read this and again for your post.
wow, thank you for venting. I can’t imagine what y’all have been through. It saddens me to hear that Christian leadership treats true servants like this. I’ve had similar experiences that discouraged me. These authorities seem to have an awful lot of pride and desire to control rather than pray and heal. I think Jesus must be so sad to see what His church has become.
My husband and I are both done with’ going to church’. I have found some wonderful teachings by Wayne Jacobson. He teaches us about God’s love for us. He was once a pastor who has left religion to put his focus on relationship with God and Gods love and who God is. Has been so helpful for me. It can been a tough thing making the decision the leave the church. Other Christians around me do not understand. This is where we put our trust in Jesus and his word and rest in him. All you out there going through this change in your life, do not be discouraged. God loves you!
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Hello Jennifer, you wrote a heart-touching post!
God bless us with a ton of spiritual development. I appreciate your fortitude and I implore that you and your family will track down a delightful church home where you can harmony, fulfillment, profound strength, and love.