Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Ruined

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It’s been about eight years.

And I know I should probably get over it.

But it’s symbolic of my entire relationship with my mother.

It doesn’t matter that I bought this shirt at a thrift store. It was my favorite shirt. I felt good when I wore it.

We visited my parents near Atlanta, in May 2014, before we PCSed from Utah to Germany. My parents are getting old and I didn’t know what could transpire during our three years on another continent. We hadn’t seen my family since 2011.

It was a stressful time for the kids and me, staying with my parents, whom my kids don’t even really know. This was just one incident in a series of problems.

During the ten days we stayed with my parents, I had to do laundry since we had been living out of suitcases for many weeks between our TLF stay in Utah, the road trip from Utah to Georgia, and anticipating a month in TLF once we arrived in Germany.

My mother has a weird obsession with bleach.

I bought and used organic laundry detergent that our family is used to using and I washed and dried our clothes. I hung up my pink ruffled shirt on the drying rack in the little laundry room off the kitchen.

My mother washed her towels and laundry, I guess, like she normally does, and somehow, oh my ever-loving god, the bleach splashed across three feet from the washing machine onto one of the ruffles on my pink shirt that was hanging to dry. I wish I had a picture of the bleached shirt. It was a huge bleached patch. Like, how does that even happen? Most bottles of bleach say they’re non-splash or something. It’s concentrated and easy to pour. Was she slinging the bleach around like the gas station scene from Zoolander?

And then, she wasn’t even really sorry. My shirt was ruined! I couldn’t color-match the bleach stain. I didn’t want to bleach wash the shirt to be something creative and different. I couldn’t find a replacement.

She just shrugged it off, like it was my fault. Like everything in my entire life is my fault. I shouldn’t have hung my shirt there. I should’ve been more careful. Maybe I shouldn’t have done my laundry at all.

Which is her attitude about everything in our entire lives! She refuses to apologize or admit she ever did anything inappropriate or wrong.

She recently told me I was not to blame them anymore and to keep the emails and conversation light or not at all.

There will be people that would rather lose you, than be honest about what they’ve done to you. Let them go.

Nate Postlethwait

I found this shirt on Poshmark, which I don’t think existed back then, and we were moving to Germany anyway, so… I know eBay has been around a long time, but I couldn’t find this shirt anywhere, anytime I looked. I couldn’t even really find the proper key words to search…until last month.

It was just a little something that grated in the back of my mind and broke my heart over and over. I know it’s just a shirt, but it hurt that my mother just didn’t care about ruining it. Just like she doesn’t care about me or my kids.

I now have my replacement shirt. I feel a little bit triumphant. I know my mother doesn’t even remember this episode, like she doesn’t remember anything very important that ever happened to me, good or bad.

I wish it were as easy to repair our relationship as it was to get a new shirt.

If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.

Ram Dass

Resources:

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Outgrown

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My eldest had a favorite pair of boots when she was about ten to eleven years old.

She wore those boots way longer than she should have and scrunched up her toes when they became too small.

The first photo evidence I have of the boots is November 2010, and the last evidence I can find is January 2012. Her feet definitely grew a lot during that time, and more than outgrew those boots. She had other shoes, but refused to give up those boots.

I always assumed I would be informed when clothes, shoes, styles were outgrown.

I have four kids and they’re usually really vocal about anything that isn’t just right for them. We’ve had tantrums over socks and tags and soap and hair.

I trusted my kids to tell me they needed new shoes. I asked if the boots were ok, but I should have checked and verified. It was a difficult time for our family, with moving across the country and deployment.

I could make a thousand excuses, but I failed to understand there was a problem in time.

Having too small shoes for about two years gave her hammer toes and affected the tendons and ligaments in her legs. She complained about the leg pain, but never about her toes or feet, or having too-small shoes. I purchased the kids all new shoes, but failed to fully inspect those boots, though I do remember checking at least once and I think she purposely scrunched her toes…and I just believed her.

When we went to the doctor, they were too quick to refer to a specialist – who recommended surgery! Then, we got another referral for physical therapy. We got new shoes, threw out the boots. The PT helped a lot. I also massaged her feet, legs, and back with essential oils. She was at the cusp of puberty and it was almost too late for healing, but we were all very diligent to help her heal and remind her to do her stretches.

She had to stop running track since the pain was too much. She never did pick it back up. Luckily, she was able to participate in Civil Air Patrol and did well in all the physical activities for the few years she was in it.

It’s so hard to watch a child suffer. It’s even worse when I know I should’ve been on top of it and prevented it.

There were too many years when I was in survival mode.

There were too many times I was neglectful and relied too much on my eldest to be older and more mature than she was.

Since I had no village, no family, no friends, no help…I relied on my kids to help…for us all to work together, especially when their dad was deployed. While this sounds great on the surface, it was not feasible long-term and it was really, really hard for all of us. I certainly learned self-reliance because no one else was reliable.

I had her babysit and told myself that she enjoyed the responsibility. She still brags that she potty-trained her siblings. I know she’s proud of that, but I am ashamed that it’s mostly true. She did too much, too soon, and lost much of her childhood too early. She didn’t deserve parentification.

I tried so hard to maintain balance and push her to play and experience fun things, but many of those things she had to do alone while I kept her siblings from interfering or disrupting. I know she is still resentful that I wasn’t always able to be there and give her my undivided attention all the time.

I projected my overly mature childhood onto my daughter and I enmeshed my emotions with hers. I expected her to be like me. And I wasn’t even fully aware that I wasn’t healthy then. So much damage was done.

And the church encouraged all this and told me that I was doing a great job in spite of everything I felt deep down inside that I was doing everything so wrong and I felt so lost and alone. I had no one, no help.

The church and military communities failed us.

I was supposed to be training up a mother’s little helper and raising my daughters to be good wives and mothers. Thankfully, we all balked at those proscribed gender roles and we are better now in our spiritual pursuits. But there is so much healing still taking place.

The boots are just a metaphor for all the times I missed the mark for about ten or more years with my daughter.

It’s not like we couldn’t afford new boots.

A tween girl often isn’t in a place to express herself safely or even know what’s wrong when that’s all she knows. There were some very bad times for several years and I was not always at my best in dealing with issues I had no reference or guidance for, and my kids are “good kids.” I was a “good kid.”

But I want more than just appearances.

This episode further pushed me in a different direction as a parent. I knew something had to change. I’m sad that this catalyst was necessary, but the outcome has been good. The trajectory has continued in a healthier, gentler direction for years.

My eldest child has taught me so much as a person, as a mom, as a daughter.

She taught me what it’s like to speak up for injustice. She’s always been vocal. As a baby, it was colic. As a wee girl, she was bossy and argumentative. As a teen, she was defiant. As a young woman, she is a leader.

She taught me compassion. She always looks to help ease others’ pain. I am proud of her for taking soup to a sick classmate and offering rides to friends. She has helped others to her own detriment at times. Yes, she’s been taken advantage of, and that’s the risk. She continues to have a huge heart.

She taught me a lot about mistakes and regrets and how to make amends, how to truly apologize and forgive. We will never get closure from her abusive father and his family. His parents have passed, so there is no one to ask about events anymore. My parents have no relationship with us and I have confronted them multiple times to no avail. We are really all alone, but she just shrugs away that pain and finds comfort in her friends who are her chosen family.

It seems like I have spent almost my entire life fighting. Fighting to be seen and heard, fighting for my daughter, fighting with my daughter, fighting society to be better for her and my other kids.

She sets boundaries and doesn’t stay in relationships that become toxic. I am proud of her for recognizing when friends and lovers are mean, unhealthy, or not right for her.

She knows when to quit. I always pushed through and maybe that wasn’t the best thing for me, but I saw few alternatives. I had different choices then, and certainly couldn’t envision the future that I am living now. She resents that I pushed her into early college and a part-time job, and I do regret that, but I still don’t know what else I could have done. I’m sad that her young adulthood is so hard and she doesn’t get to enjoy much, is struggling financially, trying to find her place. Outside circumstances with COVID and the university going on strike affected events beyond our control.

We are healing together.

While I wish she had never had to suffer the trauma of being the “guinea pig first child” and had to help to raise me as a parent, I am so pleased we are still close now that she’s an independent adult.

Here’s to more growing closer together.

Resources:

Linking up: Grammy’s Grid, Silverado, Pinch of Joy, Eclectic Red Barn, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, April Harris, Mostly Blogging, Pam’s Party, God’s Growing Garden, LouLou Girls, Suburbia, OMHG, Jenerally Informed, Create with Joy, Soaring with Him, Life Abundant, Penny’s Passion, Slices of Life, Fluster Buster, Homestead, InstaEncouragements,

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IC drug linked to blindness and eye problems

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If you’re one of the 1 million men or 3 million women suffering from IC, or interstitial cystitis, you’re probably all too familiar with the bladder pain, frequency and urgency that make this condition so debilitating. While there are many treatments available to help ease IC symptoms, one drug commonly used to treat IC – Elmiron – may be doing more harm than good. This IC drug linked to blindness and eye problems, and can pose a threat to your quality of life.

Why is Elmiron so dangerous?

Elmiron is the only FDA-approved oral medication for IC, and it’s been on the market for over 20 years. While it’s generally considered safe, there have been mounting reports and studies that show of serious eye problems associated with Elmiron use, including vision loss, retinal pigmentary changes, and maculopathy. In fact, a rare disorder known as Pigmentary Maculopathy has been linked to Elmiron.

Pigmentary maculopathy is a degenerative eye disease that leads to vision loss, and it’s thought to be caused by the accumulation of Elmiron in the retina. This build-up of Elmiron can lead to vision problems, and in some cases, blindness.

Other symptoms to look out for include:

  • Blurry vision
  • Difficulty reading
  • Eye fatigue
  • Central vision loss
  • Difficulty adjusting to light

If you’re currently taking Elmiron or have taken it in the past, it’s important to be aware of these potential side effects. If you experience any vision changes, be sure to see an eye doctor right away for a comprehensive eye exam. While there is no cure for pigmentary maculopathy, early diagnosis and treatment can help slow the progression of the disease and preserve your vision.

What to Do If You’ve Been Affected

If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with pigmentary maculopathy or another eye condition after taking Elmiron, you may be eligible for compensation. Many patients have already filed lawsuits against the drug’s manufacturer, Janssen Pharmaceuticals, alleging that the company failed to warn patients of the risks associated with Elmiron.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until 2020 that the FDA issued a warning about the potential risks of Elmiron. By then, it was too late for many patients who had already been affected.

If you’ve been diagnosed with an eye condition after taking Elmiron, you may be able to join ongoing litigation or file your own individual lawsuit. An experienced attorney can help you understand your legal options and get compensation.

Will I Be Compensated for My Injuries?

If you or a loved one has suffered from vision loss, retinal changes, or another eye condition after taking Elmiron, you may be able to get compensation for your injuries. Financial compensation can help cover the cost of medical bills, lost wages, and pain and suffering.

There are other factors that will determine if you’re eligible for compensation, such as:

  • Length of time you took Elmiron
  • When you took Elmiron (Before 2010)
  • Dosage of Elmiron you were taking
  • Whether you experienced symptoms while taking Elmiron
  • Whether you continued to take Elmiron after experiencing symptoms
  • Whether you’ve been diagnosed with an eye condition

Should I Join a Class Action Lawsuit or File My Own Individual Lawsuit?

If you’ve been affected by Elmiron, you may be wondering if you should join an ongoing class action lawsuit or file your own individual lawsuit. The answer depends on your unique situation.

An experienced attorney can help you understand your legal options and what’s best for you. To date, thousands of people have already filed and are awaiting further action. You can be updated on the lawsuit’s status by registering your information with a personal injury lawyer.

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Toxic Positivity

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I’m tired of everyone needing good vibes only, all the time.

It’s irrational and unhealthy to think that everything has to be positive and up, high, cheerful.

We are a culture obsessed with happiness at all costs.

Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. Toxic positivity can be defined as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.

Common expressions of toxic positivity:

  1. Hiding/Masking your true feelings.
  2. Trying to “just get on with it” by stuffing or dismissing an emotion.
  3. Feeling guilty for feeling what you feel.
  4. Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes or statements.
  5. Trying to give someone perspective instead of validating their emotional experience (“It could be worse”).
  6. Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity.
  7. Brushing off things that are bothering you with “It is what it is.”

My parents cannot handle any negativity.

My husband cannot handle any negativity.

I’ve been told multiple times that I am not to complain or blame for anything. So what they’re telling me is to suck it up, that they refuse to apologize, admit any wrongs, or make any amends or changes.

For my parents, this means that they found a therapist to confirm they were ideal parents, did no wrong, and that I am the problem, an ungrateful child. I was never abused. I am delusional. They’re so sorry they didn’t love me the way I wanted. They refuse to make amends. They have no relationship with my kids, their only grandchildren.

For my husband, he just sighs whenever I lodge any complaint whatsoever, whether it’s about a dirty counter or coffee cup left in the living room or something more important. He is in absolute denial that he was ever abused by anyone, ever, and maybe he did have an idyllic childhood, but he can’t express himself as an adult. He has severe alexithymia. He bottles up everything and cannot have a conversation about really anything. He has no friends and no interests. He would rather take prescription meds for depression and live in denial that he has ADHD or anxiety symptoms nor will he admit he needs to make any attempt to improvements in his relationships with me and the kids.

I am not a pessimistic person. I am a realist. I have spent years trying to heal and be emotionally healthy. Often, I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall because my parents and husband just cruise along, oblivious to almost everything in the world, and certainly oblivious to relationship struggles.

I am utterly alone.

I am trying to raise four children with healthy emotions.

This means that we feel all the feels. Sometimes, that is triggering for adults who can’t relate to their own inner turmoil. We have to sit with our feelings and name them and understand them. We can’t just push them down or lash out at others.

I’m so tired of feeling angry or sad all the time because my needs aren’t met.

I’m exhausted from the toll my emotional labor takes when I have to remember all the things and I can never, ever drop one ball for even a moment.

Don’t wish me happiness
I don’t expect to be happy all the time…
It’s gotten beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.

 Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Too many of us have been taught that we can’t show any “negative” emotions. Our society loves positivity. There are books and blogs and shows about how to be happy. We are conditioned by school and church and work environments always to look on the bright side and paste on a smile, especially women.

What can we say instead of “negative” emotions?

We can use words like “painful, unpleasant, and difficult” to describe emotions that express frustration, anger, or sorrow.

Or we can use:

  • Uncomfortable emotions
  • Emotions we like to avoid
  • Less preferred emotions

Feelings are just…feelings. Emotions are generally neutral and we as a society define them to a spectrum of good or bad, positive or negative.

I understand that constant complaining is hard to be around. It sucks the energy out of you. That’s a whole other issue to work through, but being told to think more positively isn’t helpful.

I’m not saying we should give in to depression, but neither should we always look on the bright side of things to our detriment.

We need to talk more about our feelings. We need to teach our children what feelings are so they can name them, feel them, process them, and move on. We can’t continue to be scared of anger or sadness.

So many of us were abused as children and we just thought this was normal. And it was just so normalized that we didn’t know to question it. Everyone was humiliated at school and at home. Our peers modeled what they learned from the adults in our lives.

We have generations of people who grew up and weren’t allowed or taught to feel their emotions. Now, they’re adults with alexithymia or other inabilities to process their emotions and this affects all their relationships and creates issues at work and in their families and friendships.

You can’t appreciate the highs without the lows.

We need societal healing with all our feelings.

This article sure hit home: 10 Things You Won’t Remember Experiencing If You Had Toxic Parents

What is it to be hopeful and not optimistic? The American novelist Barbara Kingsolver explains it this way: “I have been thinking a lot lately about the difference between being optimistic and being hopeful. I would say that I’m a hopeful person, although not necessarily optimistic. Here’s how I would describe it. The pessimist would say, ‘It’s going to be a terrible winter; we’re all going to die.’ The optimist would say, ‘Oh, it’ll be all right; I don’t think it’ll be that bad. The hopeful person would say, ‘Maybe someone will still be alive in February, so I’m going to put some potatoes in the root cellar just in case.’ … Hope is ….a mode of resistance…. a gift I can try to cultivate.”

Joan Halifax

Resources:

from Seeds Planted in Concrete by Bianca Sparacino 

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Exvangelical

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I didn’t grow up in church.

I do feel that my parents failed me in this way, not having a church community or knowledge of religion while living in the Bible belt.

I was taught to recite a simple children’s dinner blessing and bedtime prayer. I attended church with school acquaintances occasionally and my paternal grandma twice a year.

I remember being invited to and attending AWANA once for that “bring a friend night requirement to earn a jewel in the crown button.” It was a horrifying experience for me. I didn’t know any Bible verses. I didn’t know anything about church or religion. It was loud and I was anxious and I felt very out of place. I didn’t know the script or what was expected of me. I felt lost and alone.

I remember embarrassing myself and my Jehovah’s Witness friend and everyone else listening at our lunch table in 6th grade when I announced that God was dead and lived up in heaven.

I really didn’t know any better.

I remember in my Georgia public high school, being accosted in the hallway between classes by Christian classmates:

“Are you saved?” demanded a preppy white boy holding up a thick black KJV Bible, gesturing with it, like a weapon.

“From what?” I countered. I really wanted to know what he would say, but I was offended and offensive.

He stumbled and stuttered because he had no real answers for me beyond his script that he learned at his Baptist church and youth group rallies. He’d never been questioned or been taught critical thinking. All throughout high school, I could never get any real answers that satisfied me about church or God or Christians from anyone.

I remember attending a youth group meeting when I was sixteen because it was one way I could socialize that my strict parents approved of and didn’t ask questions. The youth pastor (24-year-old son of the head pastor) taught a lesson about doing everything for Christ. It was probably based on Colossians 3:17, but I didn’t know the Bible very well then. I had no reference point for this sermon. I do remember being very confused by his analogy that we should play football for Jesus. I wondered how Jesus could really care about football. We were told to keep Jesus in everything. The message was completely lost on me. And the line in the CCM song about a “big, big yard where we can play football” always makes me think of that night and I remember my confusion and I am still thinking that Pastor Beau failed to make his point.

I went to college and grad school. I taught English in both private Christian and secular public schools. I am smart and educated and was told I could do and be anything. But Southern society, my parents, family, friends, acquaintances, the media, and my schooling sent me so many mixed messages. The Christian-proscribed gender roles permeate every aspect of North American society.

As an adult, I look back on all the lost years when I desperately tried to fit into church culture, Christian culture. The things I didn’t understand then and was just encouraged to accept, never questioning, has me regret not listening to my gut feelings more.

The charm and flattery of abusive leaders makes it difficult to trust. The Christian celebrities don’t interest me as I read about their egregious fall from too much pride and power and money every day.

My first experience of regular church attendance was with my first husband’s family. It was the Pentecostal church – Church of God, complete with Prosperity Gospel. I was shut down when I tried to ask questions.

After two failed marriages amid so many visits to Christian therapists who told me such lovely things as being available – ready and willing – for sex anytime, being more submissive, more forgiving of his porn addiction, less angry, doing better with housekeeping and meal planning – even while working full-time, keeping the baby quiet, not discussing my income or job details so as not to make my non-college-educated or out-of-work husband feel inferior, to be more cheerful and not rock the boat or nag.

Unhealthy enmeshment makes wives feel like their husband’s porn use has something to do with them. It does not.

Kimberly Stover

I was desperate to do the right things. I thought I was the problem and if I could just find the right formula, all would be well. Then I would be happy.

I wanted to raise my children with more than I had, but I thought religion was what we were missing. Our society and the church teaches that there can be no morality or goodness without Christian teachings.

I was taught that everything I loved was sinful and wrong – books, movies, music, art.

What do unbelievers do for the glory of God? Nothing. Therefore, everything they do is sinful.

John Piper

I married a third time. We began homeschooling my eldest daughter and I was pregnant back to back with my middle two kids.

I researched and thought I was doing the right things, but I was very easily swayed into almost cult-like evangelical Christian homeschool circles. The Christian science curricula is dumbed down and we struggled with finding any good alternatives. Many Christians don’t learn or teach real science in all its nuances because they don’t encourage curiosity or questions and can’t handle subtleties. Also, I was constantly criticized for our literature material and the freedom I wanted my kids to have. I had to constantly monitor my language and vocabulary. Obviously, no cussing, but I had to censor words like luck and charm and learn to replaces those with Christianese words.

My kids remind me of this time of our lives when I became so strict and legalistic. We only listened to Christian hymns. I was in agony and so lost. I hated myself. They were scared of me.

I had no voices of reason and no religious background to realize the red flags waving in front of me for years. My husband didn’t realize how insidious these conservative homeschoolers are or how close we came to falling into their clutches. There was always a small part of me that rebelled.

We barely escaped the abuse of Christian fundamentalism and extremism. We certainly were scarred by many of their teachings that I allowed to infiltrate our worldview.

So many people completely miss the point of it all. I missed the point for many years and it has taken more years to heal myself and my kids.

I’ve spent several years reading books by Richard Rohr, Diana Butler Bass, Barbara Brown Taylor, Peter Enns, and others.

I read the works of many authors of other faiths. I read a lot about liberation theology. I educate myself. I have gone back around to being an intellectual, proud and not worried about being wrong or sinful. I can be happy and comforted that I won’t go to a hell I don’t believe in.

I now laugh at Pinterest recipes for “Christ-centered cupcakes.” What even is that? Christian contemporary music with lyrics about positivity and prosperity and Jesus being compared to a boyfriend is trying desperately to merge pop culture, pseudo-psychology, and religion.

I shared a joke on social media and hurt someone’s feelings. I then had to admit to myself and others that I am anti-church. I want and expect more from church than they’re willing to offer.

I am enraged that the church told me I had to purge all my books and DVDs that were “inappropriate.” We didn’t celebrate Halloween one year and I threw out all my vintage decorations and I just sick about that. I am saddened that my husband didn’t stop me or say anything at all about it. He didn’t realize the loss. He didn’t care. I gave up so many books – like my Anne Rice collection, with many signed copies, and I stopped reading her new works. I cherished those books and the memory of meeting her at the book signing and how she said she liked my ruffled jacket cuffs. I wish I had them back. I got rid of so many DVDs that had erotic content or sex scenes or vulgar language, but told a human story in all its realness and rawness. I was told that anything rated R was evil and if I couldn’t view something with my three-year-old child then I shouldn’t be watching it.

The church really does want its people infantilized, especially women. We are told that our entire purpose is to serve husband and children, no matter what else we do with our lives – careers, hobbies, interests. Those should take backstage or be obliterated completely. This is why reproductive rights are being fought about in our country. Men feel they can control women more effectively if women can’t choose when or if to be pregnant. Gender roles are strictly enforced within the church, sometimes by social conditioning, but we attended one church that actually had brochures with Bible verse citations, in the lobby, written by the pastor about how women and men should dress. I was admonished by many mentor ladies how to plan ahead in case I ever got sick, so as to never be unprepared and have to leave my husband or kids to fend for themselves.

This is brainwashing. I am embarrassed I let it go on as long as I did. I continue to unteach and reteach my kids about what’s ok and what should not have happened. I am slowly acquiring many of the books and movies and decorations I sold or threw away during our darkest times.

I experienced such cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile my intellectual curious mind with trying to learn church history and doctrine while homeschooling and teaching my children. I regret that I was horribly mean and abusive to my three young kids at the behest of the church, trying to control them and demand blind perfect obedience. Interestingly, most schools and American homes buy into this abusive obedience concept in spite of being secular. And we wonder why so many of us are mentally ill – depressed and anxious?

Church perpetuates abuse. It encourages parents to break the wills of children. It encourages women to stay unseen and unheard. It discourages questions because that is a threat to authority.

I realized recently how deeply ingrained the western church is with racism, white supremacy, patriarchy, and sexism. While so many churches say “all are welcome, ” and “come as you are,” very few are affirming or inclusive. These are just popular catch phrases to get people in the door. Enough stay and find their community, I guess.

Without these hateful ideologies, the church cannot maintain control it so desperately needs over a fearful people. The American Christian church just wants to control and it does so by preaching about Others, a duality, Us vs. Them. Whether or not a church agrees or aligns with all or some of Calvinism, those ideas are permeating churches.

White American evangelicalism teaches that western culture is what Jesus is all about. That is incorrect. We have seen so much imagery and realized so many conservatives are actually leading the country towards a theocracy. We have a big problem when churches have national flags and guns and pray for a political agenda instead of spiritual reconciliation.

I tried several denominations and churches and we moved around a lot – Georgia, Texas, Hawaii, Utah, Germany, and Ohio. We tried churches on military bases. We tried churches all over the cities near where we lived. It was exceedingly difficult to find community in a nonjudgmental and welcoming church. And it was hard feeling like we could fit in, knowing we would move in a few short years.

I’m tired of being blamed for being a bad and sinful parent because I don’t force my kids into a church that hates them and wants to change them “in the name of Jesus.” I can’t look the other way anymore as they preach about exclusivity, nationalism, white supremacy, prosperity, sexism, homophobia, transphobia – no matter how veiled and carefully so they seem to be loving and admonishing.

I want my kids to know that I extravagantly and unequivocally love them for who they are – gay, trans, pierced, tattooed, however. It hurts me to see them get side-eye at a church that is meant to love them in the name of Jesus. Jesus is love, right?

I don’t want my kids around elders, deacons, pastors who abuse their spouses and children – calling them names and belittling them, criticizing and encouraging hitting as discipline. I don’t want to be around that either and these people don’t want to hear my opinions about it. They didn’t want my opinions about anything.

I don’t want to feel exhausted anymore as churches demand more time, more money, more effort on my part and to help plan and implement events in which I have little to no interest – for evangelism and outreach and community building and fundraising. My husband completely bought into the serving mindset and I had to explain multiple times how we were taken advantage of with our desire to serve and our love languages of gift-giving and service. There were never any thanks, no appreciation. Just more, more, more. We could never do or give enough.

I understand that the church is and should be made up of broken people. The big difference I have discovered over the years and in many different cities is that while I strive to improve and learn and truly live a good spiritual life, too many are just going through the motions while being insulated in their hatred of others while having superiority complexes and being power-hungry and controlling. Too many professing Christians are complacent and lazy in their spiritual growth.

Yes, it is unfortunate that this has been my family’s experience in every church we have ever attended. I’m tired of apologizing to strangers who surely mean well that we do not and will not attend. Yes, I know there are affirming churches out there. I follow several pastors and teachers online. We visited a UCC right before COVID, but we didn’t have time to make any connections and now everything has changed and we have moved on and my family doesn’t care to try again.

Am I thrilled that your church is different? Absolutely! I read comments all the time on my blog posts and social media #notallchurches and how I should keep trying and that I am sinful for not gathering! Please stop. You’re not helping in any way. I just feel worse and more guilty. Do you not think I have tried and tried and tried again?

The pastor’s husband of the last church we attended got so offended when I shared an article about issues in the American church that he typed on my Facebook wall “Have a nice life.”

No one ever tried to keep us around when we left these churches. There were no check-ins. They don’t miss us.

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Staying Balanced

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It was hard for me to learn how to balance when my kids were little – juggling all their needs while homeschooling and caring for the home, sometimes while my husband was deployed.

Lately, I find myself almost bored, lost with too much time and not enough to do.

I find myself thinking: shhh, slow down. To myself, to my kids.

My eldest is all on her own. My heart breaks a little with every struggle she faces.

My middle two are attending university this year with CCP. The first time they’ve ever attended a school! My heart is aflutter. I know they’ll do fine, but it’s all just so new. And new is often scary.

And then there was one.

My son is twelve and we anticipate a fun year as we move into high school homeschool work. He’s worried he will be lonely without his siblings! He has no desire for a co-op or group activities or field trips.

I’ve seen so many changes this last year in my kids. They need me less and less and that’s a good thing, but it is also bittersweet. I strive to teach them a healthy work-life balance – in spite of our society’s values and the other authorities in their lives.

There are so many opportunities everywhere that it’s sometimes hard to choose and narrow down the choices so we’re not overwhelmed.

It seems the expectations increase the older my kids get.

But we don’t have to follow the crowd and do everything that everyone else does.

Balancing Act

I want my kids to be healthy in mind and body – and having a busy schedule with work, school, and activities often does not allow for this. It seems only to get worse and busier as the kids get older. I struggle to find balance and to make time for them to eat well and sleep enough and be able to play.

Sleep Schedule

My kids seldom have to wake up early and we don’t have to fight over bedtimes. They’ve been homeschooled their whole lives. I have noticed their natural habits and I am thankful that I haven’t had to fight those normal rhythms.

We don’t have to go to bed early in order to wake up before dawn to catch a bus or stand in a drop-off line. There are no hours of silly homework or rushing to complete projects after dinner and before baths and bed.

My kids have never had to wake up early to study last minute or to complete an assignment before school because they have never attended school. They’ve never had deadlines or assignments or homework or tests.

They’re relaxed and less stressed than many of their peers who only know rushing, busyness, being tired from not enough sleep.

My two eldest daughters have jobs that sometimes require early wakeups or later hours on their schedule and it bothers me that it doesn’t have to be this way for young people. They don’t have to enter this world yet. They have chosen this and sometimes it’s hard waking up early or working late. We try to limit the teen jobs to fifteen hours a week since she started school.

I don’t do really well myself, staying up too late reading. I don’t like waking up to alarms and sometimes struggle in the mornings.

Really, we could all use a slowdown and rest more. We used to get along just fine without 24-hour stores and constant availability.

Naps are good. Rest time and down time and quiet time is needful.

Eating Schedule

We as a society struggle with eating healthy. Perhaps our busy schedules have something to do with that.

My kids eat when they’re hungry. They have a huge variety of healthy foods and some fun snacks and treats for whenever they want something.

Also, my kids can use the bathroom whenever they need to use it.

Rushing does not aid digestion. Sitting still all day, every day does not aid digestion.

I remember rushing out the door to meet the school bus while eating a poptart in the brisk morning air. I remember creeping through the lunch line for a carb-filled tray that had to be devoured in 15 minutes before heading back sit still and quiet in a classroom for three more hours. We never had water bottles and the hall water fountains either didn’t work well or the water was warm and bitter. I was constantly hungry and dehydrated.

So meal times are important to me. I want my kids to have fond memories of food and meals.

My kids have a hot breakfast every single morning.

My kids have a lovely leisurely lunch with lots of veggies.

We always have a sit-down dinner together with salad and lots of veggies.

I worry and struggle to make healthy family meals happen in spite of work and activities that constantly want to disrupt the schedule.

Play Schedule

As my kids get busier with their classes, work, and activities, I struggle to maintain some downtime for them. I want them to be kids as long as possible. I want them to play and have fun and be stress-free and worry-free.

There is plenty of time for adult things later. I want to hold on to my kids for as long as possible and protect their innocence and youthfulness.

I have tried to limit my kids’ activities so they don’t get overwhelmed. One does aerial gymnastics twice a week. One does ice skating and art. My son is on an elite baseball team. My second child has a part time job and we agreed to limit the hours to fifteen during school.

I don’t monitor screentime. I don’t have chore charts. We don’t take tests in our homeschool. We work together to get household needs accomplished. I help my kids study for their quizzes and tests.

I see so many ads and posts for tutoring and classes and courses and lessons and clubs and events. I know some families who sign their kids up for all of the things. Those children are surely exhausted, all the time. And we wonder why everyone has a disorder or mental illness? We don’t have to rush to keep up with other people who set false standards.

Babies don’t need reading or math tutors.

I want my kids to have time to play – to watch the movies, to create, to play games, get outside in nature, visit friends and festivals and amusement parks – before the rush of college and adulthood and needed jobs take hold.

Kids need time to play, time to rest, time just to be kids. While I don’t follow a strict schedule, I make time in our natural flow for meals, sleep and rest, and playing.

We all need to slow down.

I’m worried about their peers who always seem to be exhausted and rushed to the next thing.

Everything has become so unnatural.

We have replaced kids’ free time and outdoor playtime with classes indoors that are monitored by adults – teachers, coaches, nannies, babysitters, parents – tutoring sessions, sports training, music lessons, gymnastics and tumbling and parkour and ninja.

There is hardly a moment when kids have to themselves to make a decision or rest or paly naturally without supervision that they don’t know what they want without being told by an adult.

All the checklists we’re supposed to follow to prepare for college – standardized testing, scholarships, forms, meetings, sports, clubs, volunteering. We don’t have to do any of that. Everything will work out in the end no matter if we rush through it and stress about it or wait until the right timing.

I don’t want my kids so stressed out that they have no good memories of their youth.

It’s not a race.

The Holistic Psychologist

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What Men and Women Should Know About Sex Therapy

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Sex Therapy is a therapy that men and women can use to help resolve sex-related problems. Sex therapists can offer face-to-face or telehealth sessions. Sex therapy is a highly personal process. Before you start the therapy process, you should know what to expect. Most people will need several sessions. Some therapists may require more than one visit.

Sex therapy is a form of therapy for men and women.

Therapists use various techniques to help clients improve their sex lives and build intimacy. They may also assign “homework,” which includes reading material, use of sex devices such as bullet vibrator, and watching educational videos on sex and intimacy. Clients may also be asked to perform specific physical and emotional exercises during sessions. Success will depend on the client’s commitment to the therapy.

Sexual dysfunctions, including erectile dysfunction, are often treated through sex therapy. However, the condition is often rooted in underlying psychological issues and may result in pain during sex. While drugs can help with these problems, therapists can help individuals find solutions through counseling.

It can help resolve sex-related problems.

If you’re experiencing problems with intimacy, sex therapy can help. Sex therapists help you identify and resolve the causes of your sexual problems. While sex therapy doesn’t automatically improve sex, it can help you and your partner communicate and feel more comfortable. The sessions may include reading materials or “homework assignments” that address underlying issues. While some couples go to therapy together, individual therapy can be equally beneficial.

Sex therapy can benefit couples and individuals suffering from various problems, including low self-esteem, relationship stress, and past sexual trauma. It can also help couples improve communication skills and learn new sex-related communication strategies. And unlike many types of counseling, sexual therapy does not involve sex. However, if your partner refuses to participate, it’s important to know that your therapist can help you improve your communication skills.

It can be telehealth or face-to-face.

While telehealth may seem like the best option for sex therapy, there are downsides to both options. For example, fewer therapists are available in every city, and traveling can be expensive and require multiple subway transfers. However, telehealth eliminates many of these inconveniences. But a downside to telehealth is that some companies may hire therapists with less experience to cut costs.

Unlike telehealth, face-to-face sex therapy is still a face-to-face experience. Most therapists have a private consultation room to create a safe and secure client environment. However, you can also have your session online via video chat. So while the sessions are still face-to-face, there’s a certain distance. And since sex therapy is talk therapy, you shouldn’t expect to engage in physical contact or have sexual relations during your sessions.

It is a highly personal process.

While sex therapy has received a bad rap for many years, it is a very professional and legitimate process. Sex therapy helps people with sexual issues identify the causes of their problems and work towards a resolution. A therapist will work with each person to determine what is causing their issues and then help them work through them. While it may be embarrassing to talk about your private life with a stranger, a therapist will keep an objective and professional level during the session.

The first step in sex therapy is to find a therapist you can trust. If possible, choose someone who has training in this area. You should also choose someone who you feel comfortable talking to and who understands the issues you are facing. Sex therapy can take a long time and may involve several sessions. However, it should focus on the specific issue you are experiencing and not on generalizations about sexuality.

It is not covered by insurance.

Many health insurance plans do not cover the cost of sex therapy. Some insurance plans may not cover sex therapy but may cover massage. Others might withhold information about coverage until you make a claim. If you’re not sure if your policy covers sex therapy, call your insurer to find out.

Some plans will cover sex therapy if you have a co-occurring mental health condition. If you’re considering sex therapy as a treatment for an underlying mental health issue, check with your insurance company for details. Some companies cover couples therapy as well.

Sex therapy is an important part of psychological treatment. It helps clients change their behavior and attitudes inside and outside the bedroom. While some clients attend sex therapy sessions independently, the results are generally better when their partners are involved. It’s also an evidence-based form of therapy. Insurance companies might cover sex therapy if you have a diagnosable mental disorder, but many people want to improve their intimate relationships without being diagnosed with a mental illness. They may also feel uncomfortable involving their insurance company.

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7 Useful Tips in Looking For Gyms

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If you’re looking for a gym, there are several factors to consider. These factors include location, coaching, hours, and price. Having one close to your home increases your chances of getting to the gym regularly. In addition, a national chain likely has several locations throughout the city.

Location

Word of mouth is one of the best ways to find gyms in Bellevue, WA. This age-old marketing tactic is still effective because friends often share their experiences. If someone has had a negative experience at a gym, they will most likely not recommend it to their friends. However, if the experience is positive, they will tell others about it. Look for gyms with reliable employees and high-quality equipment.

A good gym should offer a variety of functional training equipment, including gymnastics rings, suspension trainers, core bags, and Swedish ladders. It should also have a freestyle training area, which can help you enhance your entire body through playful and dynamic warmups.

Hours

If you’re interested in getting in shape, you’ll want to know the hours of gyms in your area. Most gyms are busiest during the weekdays, but you can find quieter times over the weekends. Peak weekend hours tend to be after 4 PM and before 7 AM.

You’ll find that most gyms are crowded between mid-morning and late afternoon, though college gyms tend to be less busy. It would also be best if you kept in mind that these times may vary depending on what day of the week you’d like to go.

Coaching

When looking for a gym, it’s good to pay close attention to the variety of services offered. For example, are spin classes, kickboxing classes, trainers, smoothie bars, or massage rooms available throughout the day? If so, these facilities should advertise their services well and attract members.

Word-of-mouth referrals are a powerful marketing tool. You can ask friends and family to give their honest opinions about different gyms. If they have good experiences, they’ll tell others about it, increasing their likelihood of joining the gym. However, if they’ve had a bad experience, they may be less likely to recommend it. Good gyms will encourage members to share their experiences, especially if they’re satisfied with the quality of service and equipment.

Price

Price is an important consideration when looking for a gym. The right price depends on the gym’s services and the area that it serves. A few things to consider when determining the price are the location, the number of members, and the hours offered. In addition, some gyms charge more than others, so make sure you know what your budget will allow.

A gym that is too expensive can turn off potential clients. Prices should be somewhere in between. Consider the demographic of the target audience. If your gym targets older clients, you can afford to charge higher than a gym that targets a younger crowd. Older clients, in particular, may need more personalized training. This may require specialized personal trainers and higher fees for special equipment.

Getting a feel for a gym

Walking around a gym’s facilities is an excellent way to get a feel for its operation. But first, look for the equipment you’ll use the most. For instance, if you like to use dumbbells, it’s helpful if the gym has more than one set.

You also want to check out how friendly and welcoming the gym is. Unfortunately, many gyms lack this element, and it can affect your motivation during your workouts.

Checking out a gym’s website

Checking out a gym’s website is a good way to learn more about their services. There are many different styles and designs that you can find. Some websites are designed with clean design and good typography, while others are more traditional. A gym’s website should be easy to navigate and include the most important details. A well-designed website will also include a call-to-action button and ample white space.

Before signing up, be sure to read the contract carefully. Contracts for gyms can be long and complex. It’s essential to read them closely to avoid nasty surprises later. You should also be aware of the hours that the gym is open. Many people assume that the gym will be open 24 hours a day.

Asking around

Asking around is one of the best ways to find a good gym. You’ll be able to find out about new facilities and whether they’re convenient for your schedule. In addition, it can be helpful to find out how many members a gym has and whether it offers the classes and equipment you want. Moreover, you’ll be able to find out about the staff’s friendliness and availability.

Before signing up for a contract, ask the gym if they offer any free trials. Many offer free weeks or tours to new members, or you can take a free fitness class before you make a final decision. If unsatisfied with the service, you can always move on to the next gym.

 

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Electric Vehicles: Why Should You Consider Purchasing One?

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Owning a vehicle has become a necessity in the contemporary world. You can purchase a car for different reasons, including more accessible family transportation, company requirements, farming needs, and other uses. Nevertheless, you must ensure you know how to pick the best model for your needs.

The use of gasoline automobiles has been around for quite a while. Still, the vehicle manufacturing industry transformations have seen the introduction of cars using alternative fuel, such as electric power. As explained in this article, it is vital to understand some of the reasons for getting an electric vehicle.

Caring for the Environment

The world has experienced significant environmental changes over the last three decades. Carbon emissions are ranked among the most prevalent adverse effects on the environment—and a high percentage of these carbon footprints come from motor vehicles.

Purchasing an electric car significantly reduces your carbon footprint. These vehicles omit burning fuel from machines that use petrol, diesel, and other gasoline types. In fact, lower carbon emissions are among the top reasons to consider getting an electric transportation machine.

A Great Investment

Purchasing a vehicle is one of the larger investments you’ll make in life. This is why it’s important to make sure electric vehicles are right you and your budget.

Electric cars in the modern world possess a lot of value as more manufacturers aim to promote these types of models. Additionally, electric vehicles can save you money in other ways. Since they do not require gas, you won’t need to spend money to fill up the tank, just when it requires a charge, which you can do at your home.

Lower Maintenance Costs

Electric cars run on an effective and efficient electric motor that requires fewer repairs overall. Reports have revealed that maintaining an electric vehicle costs less than vehicles using other fuel types as these motors have fewer parts than the traditional engines and are exposed to less damage.

Enhanced Performance

One of the crucial considerations to make when purchasing a car is how it performs. After all, you’ll likely be driving this vehicle well into the future, and it should work for you!

Electric vehicles have a history of faster acceleration, smooth gear changing, and the ability to reach higher speeds. This is great for any driver, whether you travel in the city or on the open road.

Many Varieties to Choose From

Variety is another benefit of buying an EV. You can choose any vehicle type depending on your needs, preferences, tastes, and lifestyle. With advancements in the industry, electric sedans, crossovers, SUVs, and even trucks are available, giving you the power of choice at the dealership.

Is an Electric Vehicle Right for You?

Electric cars are gaining popularity globally as time goes on, and the best way to determine if it’s right for you is to drive one for yourself. If you’re looking for a new way to drive, the points above showcase just some of the top reasons to consider an EV—now it’s up to you to make the final decision! 

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I Tried Therapy

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Well, I tried therapy. Again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that therapy is just not for me.

I’ve tried so many different therapists and they were all worthless or harmful, never helpful.

I refuse to waste my time and money on a therapist when I have read and meditated and prayed and learned and changed and healed my own self over the years.

I know there are different kinds of psychotherapy, but either the therapists I’ve been exposed to weren’t very educated or experienced, or just chose to use certain aspects of talk therapy.

My first taste of therapy was when I was twenty years old.

I was locked in hospital for about a week and forced into group therapy after my suicide attempt. Then I was assigned to outpatient therapy – both group and individual for another week or more. It wasn’t helpful. I was scared and at the mercy of ignorant “professionals” who didn’t know me, didn’t know my history, didn’t know my parents. I was blamed for my own distress and for being an ungrateful only child to my parents. I was medicated against my will on Prozac, and that didn’t go well, serving to make me even more wary of meds to the point that I don’t want to try them anymore.

I tried Christian therapists during my first two marriages.

This is what the church, the elders, his parents and family and friends, the husbands themselves told me I must do. Secular therapy was a slippery slope and led to humanism and independence. It was all very harmful. I was told never to show anger so as to be a good, submissive wife. I was told to be available for sex at any time to ensure my husband wouldn’t stray. I was told to endure abuse and pray harder. I was supposed to echo requests to ensure communication was improved.

My first husband is a sex addict, porn addict, pedophile, abuser of his nieces and our daughter. He has abused his second wife too. His entire family protects him and they’re all in denial.

My second husband admitted he had been fired three weeks ago in the therapist’s office and I had to bite my tongue and cheeks so I wouldn’t physically attack him, I was so enraged at the deceit of still getting up and dressing and disappearing for so many hours each day – for three weeks – and his cowardice at having to tell me in front of her, in the safety of her office. He later accused me of contracting HIV and passing it onto him, though he was miraculously and instantly healed during a church service.

My sins, faults, shortcomings were constantly addressed while men were upheld as incapable of doing any wrong and never being held responsible for their own actions or inactions.

I still fall into these mind traps since it was drilled into my head for so many years from so many sources.

The military medical community won’t even serve their own military members, much less spouses or dependents.

There is no continuity of care in the military. We are forced to move around so frequently and even though there is surely a database of our medical history, it is still hard to start over every few years.

When we were stationed in Hawaii, my eldest was “diagnosed” with ADHD at age eight or so, we were required as a family to attend therapy with an active duty military member. It was soon obvious that these doctors had an agenda. They put my daughters on meds that suppressed her appetite severely. They threatened us with abuse for homeschooling and coerced us to put her in the base DOD elementary school. My husband was worried his career would be at stake – and no matter if anyone says otherwise, it is absolutely a thing that spouses’ and dependents’ issues and behavior do reflect a military member’s career options. It was a miserable time, frightening and disheartening. After one month, I defied everyone and removed my child from the school and stopped the meds, and we returned to homeschooling and a healthier lifestyle. It took me years for us to heal from those few months of meds and indoctrination. I became further jaded about the medical and mental health community.

We were stationed in Germany for three years when we most desperately needed some assistance when our eldest child was a young teen and we couldn’t really get any help with medical or mental health issues.

We’ve tried to see several therapists now that we are back State-side, in Ohio.

I was encouraged to get a free app sponsored by the Air Force to help me learn to breathe and meditate. I was told to fill in a chart with a support plan when the entire issue was that I do not have any support. I have been offered numerous pills to alleviate stress, anxiety, depression. All bandaids that don’t even scratch the surface of military spouse mental health issues or my history of trauma, abuse, and mental distress.

I was required to meet with my PCM for referral to the behavioral specialist for three different appointments before then being referred to an in-network off-base mental health professional. The mental health professionals at the base hospitals and clinics are only available to military members, not spouses, and they only really discuss PTSD, not any issues with relationships or anything unrelated to the military job.

Getting referrals for mental health is so complicated and time consuming and there is no guarantee the therapist will be a good fit. There are six-month-plus waiting lists everywhere. It’s so much time, stress, money, and paperwork to shop around.

Two of my kids have experienced some trauma and need some mental health assistance. One therapist completely undermined my authority and suggested my child ask us to attend public school, then she would not follow up with me about my complaints, but just completely ended all communication. We were referred to an outpatient daily facility for a few weeks and the therapist, who seemed ok at first, shamed me into buying a guitar to help my child heal better – that has since gone untouched. Thankfully my two kids have found therapists we all trust and respect now, but it’s been such a hard road.

After being encouraged by my kids, I tried therapy – once again.

My kids have concerns that I need a therapist to continue working through some of my issues. They also were curious if I could get tested for autism.

We have contacted everyone in the Dayton-Cincinnati area and no one will perform autism testing on an adult or teen.

After many weeks of being on the waiting list, I was called to make an appointment.

I went with just a little bit of hope, but not too much. I typed out a timeline to save us time and help her remember who’s who in my life, so I didn’t have to constantly repeat myself and clarify.

First impressions matter. Her office looked like a social media prop or magazine spread – all pink and gold with plants by the window and a dozen or more of the “proper” social warrior bestselling books in tidy stacks on various surfaces. It was just so staged. The therapist earned a Psy.D., but she looked like a child. I had specifically requested someone older, not someone young enough that I could be her mother or teacher. Maybe she just looks young. She’s only worked in this field for about five years, so not a whole lot of experience and this is her second clinic, so I wonder why she left the first one. Maybe it shouldn’t matter, but I wonder if she’s married or even has had a long-term adult relationship or has any children. How can she even understand my issues then?

She was quite abrupt at the first meeting, explaining the cancellation policy rather severely (I kinda get it: don’t be late or skip appointments, but wow). She seemed very aloof and cold and clinical. I tried so hard to keep an open mind. She liked my outline and it saved time at intake. She was impressed that I finished my master’s degree despite all my issues – ha! She asked me why am I even still with my husband as she shooed me out the door at the 45-minute mark. So I thought about how harsh that question is for two weeks. I almost didn’t go back.

I had told myself I will go to at least two appointments before I make up my mind.

I went to four appointments! I figured the first meeting was just intake and not a real example of what it would be like and I really, really wanted to give her a chance.

I spent almost the entire second appointment defending my reasons for staying in my third marriage. It’s obvious that she didn’t think before asking me why and she stumbled over apologizing and saying she didn’t mean it that way.

This man is not abusive. He’s neglectful. He’s often thoughtless. I feel I change and evolve and grow while he is stagnant. There are way worse sins than being boring. We have history. We have duty. We share eighteen years of highs, lows, depths, cross-country and overseas moves, deployments, births, deaths, sickness, pain, joy. How can anyone understand or judge?

At the end, she asked what I wanted to work on most at the second appointment, and after these last few months, it seems most relevant to get an objective view about my parents’ ongoing tantrums and abuse and their ignoring me when they imagine I have slighted them. I also mentioned some marital concerns. And of course, I have doubts that I am a good enough mother.

The only helpful comment is that I should let my eldest find her own way now that she’s almost 22 and on her own. I have mixed feelings about this because I cannot just watch her destroy her future.

She all but scoffed at my husband’s issues, because surely I can see he has PTSD and I should be more understanding. OK, wow.

She doesn’t offer much insight about my parents and their behavior. She suggests that a superficial relationship might be better than any relationship at all. Really?!

After sitting with those two statements echoing in my head for two weeks, I just canceled this week’s appointment. I am hurt and confused that these are the only takeaways I have from four appointments. I feel like I just rambled on and on about pretty much nothing and how could she even follow what I said when she didn’t take any notes? There was no plan, no suggested reading, no skills to practice. I don’t need to pay someone to listen to me drone on when they offer nothing. She is not personable and I don’t need someone who’s touchy-feely, and I don’t want hugs, but she is just wooden. She made it a point at the beginning of each meeting to find something about my appearance to compliment and it just felt so scripted. Maybe I’m expected to suck it up and push through for a few months, but I just don’t have the energy or heart space for that.

I should just take more neglect and abuse and this is the best I can ever hope for?

I really do not want to waste more time or money being told that I am the problem and no one else has any responsibility at all to have a healthy relationship.

It’s hard when everyone around me is in denial that there’s anything wrong and they only desire toxic positivity and refuse to work through anything or admit any past shadows.

What even is the point of therapy? Mostly, it is to help people fit well into society. I absolutely do not want to fit in when society is so ill – racism, sexism, capitalism, for-profit healthcare. Often, therapy is to heal from horrible trauma, but I have done a lot of that on my own and I don’t see anything a professional can do that I haven’t found for myself.

I’m also thankful that I have time and money to find therapists for my two children who need and want it and to have tried it for myself, even thought I don’t think it’s a good option for me. I worry so much about people who don’t have resources and access to mental health help. We are a sick society.

We hear constantly: “Go to therapy!” but therapy fails so many individuals and families. It’s not always the best answer or only way.

Books That Have Helped Me:

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The pillars of traditional healing were 1) connection to clan and the natural world; 2) regulating rhythm through dance, drumming, and song; 3) a set of beliefs, values, and stories that brought meaning to even senseless, random trauma; and 4) on occasion, natural hallucinogens or other plant-derived substances used to facilitate healing with the guidance of a healer or elder. It is not surprising that today’s best practices in trauma treatment are basically versions of these four things. Unfortunately, few modern approaches use all four of the options well. The medical model overfocuses on psychopharmacology (4) and cognitive behavioral approaches (3). It greatly undervalues the power of connectedness (1) and rhythm (2).

In Western psychiatry we like to separate them, but that misses the true essence of the problem. We are chasing symptoms, not healing people.

Dr. Bruce D. Perry in What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing
https://twitter.com/profsamperry

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