Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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I am not insignificant

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I’m in my mid-40s and I still fight my inner thoughts that tell me I am worthless, unimportant, insignificant.

It doesn’t help that my parents still remind me, if not so much in the words they used to use during my childhood and youth, but in their action, inaction, criticism of myself and family, my parenting choices and lifestyle. They mostly just ignore me and my children. They’re uninterested in what we do. I don’t bother to share our triumphs with them. I rarely call them and when they call me, it’s only to list their medical appointments and complain about everything.

As an only child, I didn’t know anything different than my life with my dysfunctional parents. Since I wasn’t sexually molested or physically beaten, I didn’t realize I was being abused verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. I think many of us just wave away abuse and think others have it so much worse.

I often didn’t eat lunch at school. I remember sitting at the dinner table many nights, refusing to eat. I had frequent migraines for many years. I remember having painful digestive issues. I don’t have many memories of my mother comforting me or caring for me when I was sick or not feeling well. I remember my father with cold, wet washcloths and massaging my eyebrows.

I felt like a burden whenever I was sick, like I was inconveniencing my parents.

I struggled to make friends at school. I struggled with school, but I managed to make good enough grades and stay out of trouble for the most part.

I didn’t know other families were happy, loving, accepting while mine was demeaning, humiliating, intolerant.

Kids can’t be expected to recognize dismissal, emotional neglect, narcissism. I just learned to cope and avoid and cater to my parents’ sporadic moods. I woke up every single morning with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, worried what tantrums my parents might have that day and over what minor inconvenience or misspoken word by me.

I had a lot of freedom as a kid in the 1980s.

But it was mostly neglect.

I had no escape, no safe spaces.

We didn’t attend church. I mostly felt lost and alone at school. I was sent outside to play if I was home.

After school and during summers, I ran the neighborhood, often having lunch at a friend’s house and not coming home until the street lights came on.

My dad traveled a lot and it was more peaceful when he was gone. I wasn’t allowed to have friends over if he was home. I didn’t know this was unusual. I always accepted an invitation to a friend’s house to get away from my own home.

I avoided most of my friends’ parents while also silently begging for attention. They probably thought I was weird. I feared all adults, all authority.

My jack o’lantern was always smashed in the street on Halloween. The yard was often TP’ed and the house and mailbox egged. I didn’t know what this meant, but I realized much later that my dad was hated in the neighborhood for years for his outspoken intolerance and criticism. My parents didn’t have any friends.

My bedroom door didn’t close; the hinges were warped. I wasn’t allowed privacy. Closing the bathroom door never mattered; my parents would walk in without knocking.

I was encouraged to try many activities, but they never lasted long. I longed to do ballet and learn piano, but it never happened. Ballet lessons were “too expensive.” We had an old, out-of-tune organ and I got lessons for a few months when I was in fourth grade, but it was hard to practice. They wouldn’t pay to tune the organ or get me a piano keyboard. I didn’t know there were recreational sports, but I’m sure it was also too expensive.

I was a cheerleader in eighth grade and I can’t remember a single game where my parents attended to watch me cheer. They didn’t even pick me up from games. I had to bum rides from other parents to Pizza Hut and my parents would pick me up there. It was embarrassing to be the only kid without parents.

I tried basketball and tennis in school but I felt very out of place and didn’t know all the rules of the games.

I wasn’t allowed to take art in high school except for one semester as an elective. It was a tiny victory.

When I became a teenager and expected to do teenager things, my dad criticized me for wanting to hang out with friends or date. He acted jealous and irrational. I had no privacy. There was no trust. I’m surprised he got me a car – a 1974 VW Bug for $650. I’m surprised he let me have a part-time job and keep all my money. I had to lie and deceive just to go meet a friend at a store or restaurant or the library. He acted jealous I wanted to have other relationships.

I was never a bad kid. I was too scared to ever really do anything. I was always home on time, but I was yelled at if I was even one minute late. There was never any grace.

It hit me hard the other day that my parents told me I was unlovable and made me break up with my boyfriend when I was about eighteen. He was a lovely boy and his family were great. They loved me. They were kind and good to me.

Who knows where it could have gone if it had been allowed to progress naturally? Would we have grown apart during college? Would we have grown together? I will never know.

My parent’s selfishness and unwillingness to relinquish control broke both me and him. I never got to apologize to him. I found him on social media and he’s divorced with a couple kids and remarried. I won’t contact him to dredge up anything because why should I now, so many years later. It would be selfish of me. None of it was his fault.

My parents also gaslighted me after my suicide attempt when I was 21, that I was just being used by the man I was seeing. Again, they told me I was unlovable and stupid to put myself in this vulnerable position where they continued to control me.

My parents found therapists and doctors to tell them what great parents they were and how childish I was. I hadn’t reached individuation. I had no autonomy. I mean, really? I was 21, being treated like a 12-year-old.

A child that’s being abused by its parents doesn’t stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself.

Shahida Arabi, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

I was weak and hurt and fragile. I felt trapped.

This pushed me over the edge to run away and marry him.

I regret this, but it is what it is. What if I had been stronger? What if I’d had any support from anyone?

After I ran away, my parents found another therapist to tell them what a bad daughter I was – selfish and childish and ungrateful.

But I wasn’t a bad daughter. I was a desperate daughter, seeking connection.

My parents love to remind me all they did for me. They bought me clothes and kept the groceries stocked and paid for the house we lived in.

They provided for my basic needs.

They bought cars and paid for the insurance until I ran away. I never really asked for or wanted the cars that they traded in every couple years. It was like a weird game for them. They claimed newer cars were safer. Obviously I needed a way to get to school and work and I appreciated not having the bills.

They paid for my divorce. My parents co-signed for my apartment. Then my father co-signed on my home mortgage.

But, they never paid for my education. I did that with scholarships for my bachelor’s and a loan for my master’s. They maybe paid some tuition when I dual enrolled as a high school senior and paid for some books and admin fees.

Oh, how they love to remind me about every little thing.

Everything had strings attached.

They don’t value emotions or struggles or triumphs.

They refuse to discuss anything they don’t like.

Moving away was probably the best thing I ever did.

I had panic attacks the first two years. Then I spent a few years trying on personae to see who I liked. I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I couldn’t remember what I had ever liked.

It took many years to learn how to be myself. Sometimes I still forget.

Yes, I have been to various therapists. Yes, I have tried various medications for depression and anxiety. It’s been a long, hard road – to nowhere.

I am healing myself.

My parents have never expressed interest in maintaining contact with me or my children via snail mail, social media, or any communication technology. They just don’t want to. They sometimes complain that my emails go to their spam folder, but I don’t understand how that would happen.

My parents only visited us a few times times during all these sixteen years. They always stayed in hotels, which is a small blessing.

My parents drove out to San Antonio, Texas, twice, for the births of my middle girls. They were no help to us during that time. I had to entertain them and go out to dinner with them – all sooner than I should have left the house.

They flew to Hawaii for a vacation during December – the rainiest dreariest month. My father was sick almost the whole time and the plane ride for hard for him.

He couldn’t be bothered to come back out for the birth of my son a year later. My mother came alone and it was stressful. I had to rely on her for help. After all, wasn’t that why she was there? She was cruel to my daughters and I was unavailable and didn’t know until after she had flown home.

Then they visited me and the kids in Utah while my husband was deployed. My kids’ schedules were greatly disrupted and my parents wanted me to cater to their needs – to the detriment of my children. They got mad at me and left early, then sent me hate mail about what a bad mother I am and such a disrespectful daughter.

They never visited us while we lived in Germany.

We stayed with my parents before PCSing to Germany and when we PCSed back to The States. It was stressful. My dad had tantrums and left for an entire day, disappointing my son. Promises were not kept with my eldest. Everything was performance-based and we were all so confused.

They came up to Ohio for Christmas when my husband was deployed the second time. It was mostly ok. They stayed at a hotel and my kids are older and busier and less bothered by them.

They surprised my husband by driving up for his promotion ceremony in spring. They adore my husband.

Over the years, my relationship with my parents is superficial at best.

I reply to their emails every day or two. If I don’t email every day, I get criticized for not caring. They use Yahoo email like the rest of us use Messenger and they think my replies should be instant. My dad still has an ancient cell phone that only makes and receives calls. My mom got a newer Android phone but she doesn’t really know how to use it.

It’s been a lot. I’ve spent years trying to heal myself and this generational trauma.

I’ve struggled to make healthy relationships with others all my life. I worry my kids don’t know how to make and keep friends because they don’t see me or their father succeed in this. I feel alone and lost.

My parents have ignored me since January 6 and I really don’t know why this time.

They periodically do this and I always contacted them to apologize – for nothing, anything, just to make amends to whatever imagined ill they felt I inflicted.

Perhaps they’re mad that I voted differently and have different political views. My father emailed my husband, telling him he bought a gun and carry license.

I carry all this heaviness around with me all the time. My kids and husband don’t have these weights. They will never understand.

I am not insignificant.

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Rosemary Lemon Turkey Meatballs

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By 3 Comments

One of my family’s favorite meals is turkey meatballs. It seems light but filling. One pack of turkey is barely enough for 5 people these days! There are no leftovers.

It’s a forgiving recipe and you could mix up the seasoning for different combinations. You could also use the prepared Italian bread crumbs to save time. Gluten free options like almond flour would surely substitute fine in this recipe.

I use dried onions because they all but disintegrate, leaving flavor but almost undetectable by picky eaters. You could also grate or chop fresh onion.

If the lemon is too strong, you could serve the meatballs with plain gravy.

I use a ice cream scoop to measure out the meat mixture and roll them in wet hands to form balls. Flouring the meatballs gives them a nice crispy texture.

The lemon gravy is super simple and my family loves it!

This is a simple meal on busy nights. I can have it on the table in about 30 minutes if I form the meatballs earlier in the day and store in the fridge.

I usually serve these delicious rosemary lemon turkey meatballs with broccoli and noodles.

4 from 1 vote
Print

Rosemary Lemon Turkey Meatballs

Course Main Dish
Servings 12 meatballs

Ingredients

  • 1 package ground turkey
  • 1 egg
  • 1/4 cup panko
  • 1 t dried onions
  • 1/2 t crushed rosemary
  • 1/2 t lemon peel
  • 1/2 t garlic
  • salt and pepper

Lemon Sauce

  • 1/4 cup butter
  • 1/4 cup flour
  • splash sherry
  • 1/2 cup chicken stock
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice
  • garlic, rosemary, salt, pepper

Instructions

  1. Mix meatballs and let sit covered in refrigerator for at least an hour.

  2. Flour meatballs and let sit until absorbed. Flour again.

  3. Fry meatballs in oil on medium heat until cooked through – about 5-8 minutes each side. Or place in a muffin tin with oil and roast for 20 minutes at 375*, turning once.

  4. Keep meatballs warm while you make sauce and sides.

  5. For optional sauce, melt 1/4 cup butter and add equal amount of flour and whisk until paste. Do not allow it to brown. Add a splash of sherry, 1/2 cup chicken stock, juice of one lemon. Add rosemary, garlic, salt, pepper. Whisk and simmer until thick. Strain. Serve sauce with meatballs and noodles. We like steamed broccoli too.

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Firstleaf Review

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I really miss the wine culture of Europe.

We’ve had a hard time finding good wine since we moved back to the States and settled in Ohio. The prices are exorbitant for mediocre wines. Many of the wines from the USA give me headaches whereas the lovely wines of Greece, France, Spain, Portugal, and Italy seldom did.

I miss the variety available in Europe and the ability to try new wines with the seasons, comparing grapes and flavors.

My husband I joined Firstleaf for our Christmas present to each other. I like that it included imports and local wines and we can choose between reds, whites, rosé, and sparkling – or a combination.

We took a little online quiz for our preferences and tastes. I don’t really like sweet wines and we drink way more reds than others.

We chose and ordered our first six wines and I was delighted with the unboxing.

FedEx delivered to my front door and since it’s very cold out, the delivery person rang my bell and verified I am myself.

The bottles are well padded and protected.

I love the wine information cards and newsletter about upcoming wine choices and trends.

Our first two boxes included only reds – from California, Europe, and Oceana.

Each wine comes with an information card. On the website, there is a great deal of info about the wine, winery, grapes, and history.

There is even a “wine school” on the site with oodles of articles about wine.

Wines we tried so far:

Marbleize Red Blend from California

We had this wine with grilled steak and plank grilled salmon.

This wine is a New World take on an Old World blend. Hailing from Paso Robles and inspired by the blends coming out of Southern Rhône, this Red Blend of Grenache, Syrah, and Petite Sirah showcases the best of the region. With a savory spicy flavor profile, a medium body, and long fine tannins, this is a wine that is easy to appreciate.

Posted Accord “Coffee” Pinotage from South Africa

We drank this wine with a coffee-rubbed grilled tritip.

Pinotage is indigenous to South Africa, and this beautiful wine is a perfect reflection of the varietal. Grown in the Western Cape of South Africa, Pinotage is often called “Coffee Pinotage” because of the rich mocha and coffee flavors that come forward due to oak aging. This is a characteristic unique to the varietal and is now a rather famous selling point. This particular Pinotage has both bright and dark red fruit flavors with a hint of spice. It is rustic with a rich body and features long fine-grained tannins. Best served with stews or dishes featuring spiced meats or a tomato-base.

Scissor Kick Cellars Shiraz from Australia

We drank this wine with cashew chicken.

South Australia is the heartbeat of Australian wine production, responsible for over half the country’s output each year. A generally warm climate with maritime influences near the coast, the region includes countless appellations, though the most well-known are arguably Barossa Valley and Clare Valley. The continent experiences an environment that creates near-perfect conditions for grape growing, the most famous of the varietals being Shiraz. This wine is bright, well balanced, approachable, and intense all at the same time. It is less nuanced than some of its fellow Shiraz from the region but just as enjoyable. Bright fruit flavors and a savory characteristic jump out of the glass. This wine will shine with rich red meat dishes and is a perfect pair for late fall al fresco dining with friends.

Tres Tigres Tristes Vinho Tinto from Portugal

We had this wine with a grilled eye of round roast.

This beautiful Portuguese blend is a mix of Castelão (a grape also called “little parrot”) and Aragonês (also better known as Tempranillo) and has a beautifully complex bouquet and even more complex flavors. The fruit dominates, but savory flavors peek out from behind the fruit. Mushrooms and savory, gamey notes mingle beautifully with nutmeg and clove. This complexity won’t be overwhelmed by powerful dishes, so we would recommend trying it with steak au poivre, rosemary lamb chops, or even a tomato tart. Judges love it too! It took home a Silver medal at the 2020 Winemaker Challenge and at the 2019 Sommelier Challenge.

Swirl Zinfandel from California

We drank this wine with a grilled Balsamic London Broil.

California’s wine appellations are all individually unique, making the state idyllic for grape growing. The combination of varying temperatures, distinct soils that make fruit work hard for nutrients, and weather patterns influenced by the coast create environments where fruit thrives. The majority of the rainfall occurs outside of the growing season, but also can cool down the heat spikes that often occur just after bud break in the spring. Two mountain ranges run the spine of the state and come together to create near-perfect vineyard conditions. Zinfandel could arguably be considered California’s grape, and this wine is a beautiful example of what the varietal can be. Classic in style, this wine is soft and lush with bold yet smooth fruit compote flavors. Baking spice notes and slight spiciness also jump out of the glass, complementing the fruit-forward profile. Soft tannins round out the mouthfeel and make every sip linger. Enjoy with your favorite rustic dishes.

My favorite so far: Le Douleur Exquise Grenache Pays d’Oc IGP from France

We had this wine with a beef stew.

The 2020 International Women’s Wine Competition is one of the few wine competitions that were held just before the world hit pause on social gatherings. We are thrilled to have earned the accolades of 95 Points and Double Gold and to be named “Best of Class” by women winemakers, influencers, and industry legends. If that weren’t enough to lend credibility to our winemaking team, perhaps winning 98 Points and Double Gold at the 2020 Sunset Magazine International Wine Competition does. Broadly speaking, one aspect of Old World vs. New World flavor profiles is that New World wines are known to be fruit-forward and higher alcohol – Old World not as much. Our French Grenache breaks from that tradition with our 2019 vintage, featuring rousingly prominent fruit flavors in this classic French varietal.

There are special shipments or bundles of wine for holidays – like Valentine’s reds. We can choose to purchase a case of half-case of favorites. Also, Firstleaf Exclusives are available in singles or cases.

I love the ease of ordering wine each month or special selections at other times. The prices are very competitive and I don’t have to leave the house.

We looked into other wine clubs and like the variety of Firstleaf.

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Time Travel Unit Study

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I’ve always had a fascination with the possibility of time travel.

I read a lot about black holes and strange phenomena. Maybe it was a safety net to attempt to learn about the unknown and unexplainable when I felt my life was falling apart. I found refuge in books. I escaped into worlds that seemed safer than my own.

As a kid, I really thought I’d have more Bermuda Triangle issues than I’ve had in my lifetime. I even panicked a bit as I flew along the edge when I was 14 on a trip to Puerto Rico.

As an adult and parent to four children, I am coming to terms with my fascination with myth, legend, unexplained phenomena, and even new and experimental science. I am remembering my hobbies and loves of my childhood and youth and I feel safe to impart the appropriate parts on to my kids.

We watch a lot of movies and shows. I love having film night with pizza each week. We read lots of books in our homeschool. There is no such thing as twaddle. Everything has its place. I often include fun books in our morning read alouds to break up the seriousness and often tragedy of history.

I refuse to just leave it alone. We discuss and analyze and compare and contrast what we read and watch. I love cinema history.

Many of these shows and books flashback to 1989 or thereabouts – and I remember suddenly how I felt, what I experienced, how I lost so many parts of myself in the rush to grow up, trying desperately to live up to expectations and make money, to become successful and stifle who I am.

I often fantasize to the point of anxiety what I could say to myself if I could travel back to make corrections.

We laugh at the potential paradox in shows and books. We wonder how things would be different if history were changed.

Time Travel Unit Study

My kids haven’t seen or read all these in the list. Use discretion and preview for content.

Resources

Do you think time travel is possible?

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Mice Unit Study

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My son loves books about mice.

I think I understand the attraction of anthropomorphic mice in adventure stories. I enjoy reading them aloud at bedtime.

When we feel small, powerless, invisible, and lonely, escaping into a magical world of talking mice with happy endings is a great way to cheer up as we experience their fun adventures.

There is catharsis and safety in lovely fairy tales. I’m so glad my children love to hear and read stories.

My son and I look forward to bedtime and another chapter about mice escaping and outwitting enemies, cats, and people, philosophizing about power and control and whether they even matter in the grand scheme of life.

He’s almost 11 this year and I cherish these moments together, reading and snuggling, and giggling over animal antics.

Mice Books We Love

The Mouse with the Question Mark Tail by Richard Peck

Secrets at Sea by Richard Peck

The Adventures of Henry Whiskers by Gigi Priebe

Poppy series by Avi, illustrated by Brian Floca NEW: Ragweed and Poppy!

Ralph Mouse (3 book series) by Beverly Cleary 

The Tale of Despereaux: Being the Story of a Mouse, a Princess, Some Soup and a Spool of Thread by Kate DiCamillo

Stuart Little by E. B White

Mouse and Mole by Joyce Dunbar

The Mouse Mansion series by Karina Schaapman

Chester Cricket and His Friends (7 book series) by George Selden

Rats of Nimh Trilogy by Robert C. O’Brien 

Redwall by Brian Jacques

Library Mouse (5 book series) by Daniel Kirk 

The School Mouse, A Mouse Called Wolf, and Martin’s Mice by Dick King-Smith

Geraldine Woolkins (3 book series) by Karin Kaufman

Mac and Cheese by Sarah Weeks

The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear by Audrey Wood

Geronimo Stilton series

Word of Mouse by James Patterson and Chris Grabenstein

Brambly Hedge series by Jill Barklem

Frederick, Geraldine, Alexander, Matthew, Tillie, Nicolas, The Greentail Mouse, and MORE by Leo Lionni

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie books by Laura Numeroff

Mouse Paint by Ellen Stoll Walsh

Mouse’s First Spring by Lauren Thompson

Mousetronaut by Mark Kelly

Chrysanthemum books by Kevin Henkes

The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson

Maisy books by Lucy Cousins

Norman the Doorman by Don Freeman

Town Mouse, Country Mouse by Jan Brett

The Lion & the Mouse by Jerry Pinkney

Mouse Tales and Mouse Soup by Arnold Lobel

Angelina Ballerina books by Katharine Holabird

By Peter W. Barnes and Cheryl Shaw Barnes:

Of course we love the animal tales from Beatrix Potter too!

Want to extend the lesson?

What is your favorite story book for this season?

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Ancient Times Book List

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By 7 Comments

As my kids get older and are growing out of picture books and sometimes get bored with assigned readings, I look for more appropriate books for the entire family to enjoy.

We still gather in the mornings and most evenings for story time. I still read aloud and show any pictures like the library story lady.

We use Tapestry of Grace for our main curriculum and book lists, and I also peruse Ambleside Online and other lists for a well-rounded history curriculum. I want all sides and perspectives. See How We Do History.

We use this text as a guide, especially for younger kids: The Story of the World: Ancient Times: From the Earliest Nomads to the Last Roman Emperor

For older kids: The History of the Ancient World: From the Earliest Accounts to the Fall of Rome and The Penguin Historical Atlas of Ancient Civilizations and Warfare in the Classical World.

I go to the library about every week and get what I can. Sometimes, I even rent or buy eBooks to save money.

We expand our home library every year and extensively update every new history cycle.

For ancient history this year, my kids are 14, 13, and 10.

My girls are doing the rhetoric level and we still read aloud together many of their selections because I love to learn too. This is their last cycle with ancient history.

My son is in dialectic level and the girls even though they’re working the rhetoric level often love to hear those readings again.

And we still pull out of some of our well-loved picture books with gorgeous images and lovely stories.

I love, love, love historical fiction or living books. I love how it uses an author’s imagination to bring real life to historical events that are often boring in textbooks.

I often read adult historical fiction alongside my kids’ reading and our read alouds. The Red Tent is still a favorite. Some biblical fiction is hard for me to swallow and others are delightful or informative.

I still love T.L. Higley books. I enjoyed The Restoration Chronicles by Lynn Austin.

The book Pontius Pilate: A Novel by Paul L. Maier was recommended to me by a pastor and I might read it aloud to my family this Easter. Flames of Rome and his Skeleton Series look good too.

It’s often difficult to find engaging historical fiction for ancient times since we only have fragments of history and many ancient peoples had no written records or were wiped out by war or natural disaster. I don’t want to rely solely on religious texts as our reading material.

We’re learning more about parallel histories to the people of the Bible, different voices to fill in the real story. We’re learning about ancient Americas and Asia and Africa. I love seeing the full tapestry.

Favorite Ancient Times Historical Fiction

The Golden Goblet by Eloise Jarvis McGraw

Mara, Daughter of the Nile by Eloise Jarvis McGraw

A Cry From Egypt and A Stand at Sinai by Hope Auer

Tirzah by Travis Lucille

Adara by Beatrice Gormley

Twice Freed by Patricia St. John

Shadow Spinner by Susan Fletcher

God King by Joanne Williamson

Hittite Warrior by Joanne Williamson

Victory on the Walls by Frieda Clark Hyman

Beyond the Desert Gate by Mary Ray

Within the Palace Gates by Anna P. Siviter

The Pearl-Maiden by Henry Rider Haggard

Pharaoh’s Daughter by Julius Lester

The Eyes of Pharaoh by Chris Eboch

Cleopatra Confesses by Carolyn Meyer

The Bronze Bow by Elizabeth George Speare

Journey for Tobiyah by Barbara E. Morgan

Vinegar Boy by Alberta Hawse

The Corn Grows Ripe by Dorothy Rhoads

Run With Me, Nike! by Cassandra Case

The Ides of April by Mary Ray

Beyond the Desert Gate by Mary Ray

The Roman Britain Trilogy by Rosemary Sutcliff

I’m sure I will add to this list over the next few months as we finish our ancient times history cycle year.

What’s your favorite ancient studies book?

See my Pinterest board for Year 1 History:

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Best Books of 2020

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By 11 Comments

I love to read and I love passing on this hobby to my children.

We read aloud various books for our homeschool every morning and most evenings.

While libraries were closed most of this year, I utilized online eBook library services, added to my Kindle reading with Kindle Unlimited and even purchased some eBooks and physical books I couldn’t find anywhere that had great reviews and I really wanted.

I didn’t read very much fiction this year! I read a few eBooks when I needed a break from all the seriousness, but they were nothing special.

It certainly has not been an ordinary year. I watched shows a lot more, played more games, wasted more time than in previous years.

I tried to maintain a semblance of normalcy with our homeschool and household, but some days and weeks were really hard.

My Favorite Books We Read in 2020

Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning by Jason Reynolds and Ibram X. Kendi

The construct of race has always been used to gain and keep power, to create dynamics that separate and silence. This remarkable reimagining of Dr. Ibram X. Kendi’s National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning reveals the history of racist ideas in America, and inspires hope for an antiracist future. It takes you on a race journey from then to now, shows you why we feel how we feel, and why the poison of racism lingers. It also proves that while racist ideas have always been easy to fabricate and distribute, they can also be discredited.

Through a gripping, fast-paced, and energizing narrative written by beloved award-winner Jason Reynolds, this book shines a light on the many insidious forms of racist ideas–and on ways readers can identify and stamp out racist thoughts in their daily lives.

I read this book aloud in our homeschool and it was very enlightening. I highly recommend it. I love the writing style of Jason Reynolds!

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.

Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score exposes the tremendous power of our relationships both to hurt and to heal—and offers new hope for reclaiming lives.

This book is imperative for anyone who has experienced trauma or to help us understand loved ones.

Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World by David Epstein

Plenty of experts argue that anyone who wants to develop a skill, play an instrument, or lead their field should start early, focus intensely, and rack up as many hours of deliberate practice as possible. If you dabble or delay, you’ll never catch up to the people who got a head start. But a closer look at research on the world’s top performers, from professional athletes to Nobel laureates, shows that early specialization is the exception, not the rule.    
David Epstein examined the world’s most successful athletes, artists, musicians, inventors, forecasters and scientists. He discovered that in most fields—especially those that are complex and unpredictable—generalists, not specialists, are primed to excel. Generalists often find their path late, and they juggle many interests rather than focusing on one. They’re also more creative, more agile, and able to make connections their more specialized peers can’t see.
Provocative, rigorous, and engrossing, Range makes a compelling case for actively cultivating inefficiency. Failing a test is the best way to learn. Frequent quitters end up with the most fulfilling careers. The most impactful inventors cross domains rather than deepening their knowledge in a single area. As experts silo themselves further while computers master more of the skills once reserved for highly focused humans, people who think broadly and embrace diverse experiences and perspectives will increasingly thrive.

I enjoyed this book – part parenting, part coaching. I see parents pushing their kids too early and I want to make sure my kids are balanced.

The Color of Compromise: The Truth about the American Church’s Complicity in Racism by Jemar Tisby

The Color of Compromise is not a call to shame or a platform to blame white evangelical Christians. It is a call from a place of love and desire to fight for a more racially unified church that no longer compromises what the Bible teaches about human dignity and equality. A call that challenges black and white Christians alike to standup now and begin implementing the concrete ways Tisby outlines, all for a more equitable and inclusive environment among God’s people. Starting today.

I read this book almost exactly a year ago. It was fascinating and I learned lots and confirmed things I thought I knew. Really helped my deconstruction.

Jemar Tisby just released another book too: How to Fight Racism: Courageous Christianity and the Journey Toward Racial Justice

Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth to the World by Beth Berry

Today’s mothers are struggling; though, it’s not for the reasons most moms tend to think. We’ve been conditioned to believe our inadequacy is the reason we can’t seem to “keep up” or enjoy mothering more, but nothing could be further from the truth.

We aren’t failing as mothers. We’re mothering within a culture that is misleading and inadequately supporting us.

Motherwhelmed is a deep, yet lighthearted exploration of the messy frontier of modern-day motherhood we’re all struggling to navigate. With compassion, realness, and rich storytelling, Beth Berry:

  • Illuminates the mindsets and narratives keeping us feeling overwhelmed, disempowered, anxious, isolated, and riddled with self-doubt
  • Provides the perspectives and tools needed for mothers to rewrite their stories and reclaim a sense of wholeness
  • Shares from her 25 years as an idealistic, passionate, all-in mother of four daughters
  • Reminds us of our worthiness and reframes our importance

This is not a book about parenting. It’s a book about mothers, our greatness, and how important it is that we thrive. It’s about untangling ourselves from the stories keeping us trapped and deconstructing those we’ve outgrown. It’s about daring the lives we’re here to live and, thereby, giving our children permission to do the same.

Until we begin to organize our lives around not only our children’s worthiness but also our own, mothers everywhere will continue to bear the brunt of cultural pain and dysfunction. This matters because we cannot be the changemakers we’re meant to be while so heavily burdened.

I’m actually still reading and rereading this. It’s so, so good and I have to step away every chapter or so to process it all.

In Pursuit of Flavor: The Beloved Classic Cookbook from the Acclaimed Author of The Taste of Country Cooking by Edna Lewis

Decades before cornbread, shrimp and grits, and peach cobbler were mainstays on menus everywhere, Edna Lewis was pioneering the celebration of seasonal food as a distinctly American cuisine.
 
In this James Beard Foundation Cookbook Hall of Fame-inducted cookbook, Miss Lewis (as she was almost universally known) shares the recipes of her childhood, spent in a Virginia farming community founded by her grandfather and his friends after emancipation, as well as those that made her one of the most revered American chefs of all time. Interspersed throughout are personal anecdotes, cooking insights, notes on important Southern ingredients, and personally developed techniques for maximizing flavor.
 
Across six charmingly illustrated chapters—From the Gardens and Orchards; From the Farmyard; From the Lakes, Steams, and Oceans; For the Cupboard; From the Bread Oven and Griddle; and The Taste of Old-fashioned Desserts—encompassing almost 200 recipes, Miss Lewis captures the spirit of the South. From Whipped Cornmeal with Okra; Pan-Braised Spareribs; and Benne Seed Biscuits to Thirteen-Bean Soup; Pumpkin with Sautéed Onions and Herbs; a Salad of Whole Tomatoes Garnished with Green Beans and Scallions; and Raspberry Pie Garnished with Whipped Cream, In Pursuit of Flavor is a modern classic and a timeless compendium of Southern cooking at its very best.

I loved reading Ms. Lewis’ stories and trying out her recipes, some of which are very similar to what I remember my grandma, aunt, and cousins making.

The Best Cook in the World: Tales from My Momma’s Table by Rick Bragg

Margaret Bragg does not own a single cookbook. She measures in “dabs” and “smidgens” and “tads” and “you know, hon, just some.” She cannot be pinned down on how long to bake corn bread (“about 15 to 20 minutes, depending on the mysteries of your oven”). Her notion of farm-to-table is a flatbed truck. But she can tell you the secrets to perfect mashed potatoes, corn pudding, redeye gravy, pinto beans and hambone, stewed cabbage, short ribs, chicken and dressing, biscuits and butter rolls. Many of her recipes, recorded here for the first time, pre-date the Civil War, handed down skillet by skillet, from one generation of Braggs to the next. In The Best Cook in the World, Rick Bragg finally preserves his heritage by telling the stories that framed his mother’s cooking and education, from childhood into old age. Because good food always has a good story, and a recipe, writes Bragg, is a story like anything else.

This book felt like home to me. I remember hearing similar stories about my matriarchal ancestors. I am seeking my lost heritage.

See my favorite books of 2019 and my favorite books of 2018. See my favorite life-changing books.

What was your favorite read of 2020?

I have a big stack of books and more eBooks waiting for me this year!

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Today’s Proverbs 31 Person

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We love to hate it.

All the pressure to live up to an impossible standard.

Generations of wives and mothers admonished, scolded, humiliated by church leaders for not being perfect.

I’ve known people to try to follow these verses to the very letter, even going into debt to actually plant a vineyard.

Perhaps, we should just look for the intent behind the lines.

We all want our children to be healthy and happy and kind, to love others and be loved well.

This chapter consists of two poetic sections. The first nine verses detail the qualities needed to be a wise ruler, and the second part are the qualities describing an excellent wife.

In most translations, verses 1-9 are called The Words of Lemuel. In The Message, verses 1-9 are entitled: Speak Out for Justice.

In The Message, verses 10-31 are entitled: Hymn to a Good Wife. The ESV calls the verses The Woman Who Fears the Lord. The Amplified Bible calls these verses Description of a Worthy Woman. The HCSB calls these verses In Praise of a Capable Wife.

For reference, here is the Bible version that many of us memorized.

Proverbs 31, KJV:

The Words of King Lemuel

1 The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him.

2 What, my son? and what, the son of my womb? and what, the son of my vows?

3 Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.

4 It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:

5 Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.

6 Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.

7 Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

8 Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.

9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.

The Virtues of Noble Woman

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Yes, the poetry is beautiful, but I find some of the phrasing and word choice problematic. I like the footnotes on the text here.

The text-poem of the 31st proverb is a wish list of a queen for her prince-son’s wife-to-be. It was written in an ancient time and place with patriarchal values, when women were property and often nameless and powerless.

It was never really meant to be read as a checklist for Christian women to aspire to achieve. It’s not even possible and alluded to the idea of a supermom, which is exhausting and depressing.

As the mother of four children: three biological daughters and one biological son, I often dream of what their lives might be like when they become independent adults.

I too have a wish list for my children and their futures, whether or not they choose to get married or have children of their own.

Today’s Proverbs 31 Person

Child, do not listen to the admonitions of society, the prophecies written on the subway walls, as taught by the media, relatives, spouses, partners, friends, acquaintances, eBook authors, bloggers, wannabe therapists whose advice no one asked for.

Love one another.

Love one another.

Love one another.

Be a social justice warrior. Don’t just hide behind a keyboard. Get out and work for change. Teach your kids, friends, or anyone you know to love everyone and be kind always. Notice differences and privilege and strive to be anti-racist and inclusive. Yes, one person can make a difference.

Just say no to drugs. Try even to eschew the prescription drugs that American doctors seem to yearn to prescribe as bandaids in lieu of relationship. Find healthy outlets for your emotions and embrace all the feelings. Sit in your feelings until you understand them and find healing. Look to mindfulness and simplify, de-stress, slow down.

Virtue is subjective and often colonialist. Every society has different values. Know your worth and be unashamed. Claim it and proclaim it and don’t let anyone disrespect you. Don’t disrespect others.

Trust in your inner self, your intuition. Don’t believe everything that you breathe.

Have integrity before all, especially children. Lead by example.

Be a servant leader, knowledgeable in running an efficient household or business. Don’t ask others what you can do for yourself. Don’t ask others to do what you’re unwilling to do.

Be kind and think before speaking. Practice nondefensive and nonviolent communication.

Prepare for the future with investments. Be proactive but not anxious. Life of Fred Financial Choices recommends saving at least 25% of income. Yes, it’s hard during some seasons. Learn the value of not getting instant gratification.

Get that side hustle on. Or not. Use your unique skills and talents. But take care not to burn out. We are more than our performance.

Be grateful in all you do and joy will surely follow. Think positive and when you feel down, renew yourself in nature, in wide open spaces, or art, music, something awe-inspiring to remind you of your divinity.

Shop for the best deals on groceries, but don’t become a hoarder or extreme couponer. Add the digital coupons to the Kroger and iBotta apps each week. It’s just a few minutes of tedium but it does pay off quite a bit. Don’t buy something you don’t need. Don’t buy something just because it’s on sale.

Empty the cat litter before trash day. Do the dishes and laundry before they pile up. Guide children and others to do chores regularly. Recycle and reduce waste. Be efficient and proactive to limit anxiety.

We are not responsible for what others think of us or say to us. We can live rent free in someone’s mind for years and that’s on them. Be at peace in your words and actions.

Learn to accessorize and what’s attractive for your body type and coloring, but don’t be vain or obsessed with appearance. Everyone has a unique beauty.

It’s important that we don’t compare ourselves to others or to fictional characters. We are individuals – each with our own histories, perhaps even traumas to overcome. Own yourself and all your flaws, imperfections, and your glory.

Be a blessing to others.

I am blessed to have four amazing children who I get to interact with every day as I seem them bloom and grow in our home and homeschool.

While I do dream of grandchildren, like most people, but I dream more for happiness and health. I want my children to experience great relationships with all people they come into contact with, romantic or not. I pray that my children are role models for others.

Children don’t just need to be loved; they need to know that nothing they do will change the fact that they’re loved.

Alfie Kohn, The Myth of the Spoiled Child

I embrace my children for who they are and who they will become – whether they are cishet, nonbinary, trans, genderless, genderfluid, gay, or ace.

I love my children beyond what they can offer me.

It’s not about my comfort or what society told me my dreams and wishes should be for my children who are their own individual selves.

My children owe me nothing while I owe them everything.

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How We Celebrate Christmas

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Christmas is probably the biggest holiday of the year in Western culture.

The Christmas season surpasses most of the religious significance to be a commercial, capitalist month-long (or more) event.

Every year, I’m on a quest to make this holiday simpler and more spiritual and less commercial. I don’t want the focus and memories just to be expensive presents.

When my kids were little, I stressed every year how to celebrate holidays to make them memorable.

We never celebrated with extended family. As a military family, we choose to stay home and have a quiet celebration with ourselves or travel over the holiday break to make it special. We went to Maui when we were stationed in Hawaii and Rome when we were stationed in Germany.

We lay off much academic homeschool work for fun holiday themes for a month or a few weeks. My kids enjoy a school break.

Now that my kids are teens, I feel I laid a good foundation for holiday traditions and we continue to choose what’s most important for our family each year.

How We Celebrate Christmas

The Christmas season begins with the first Sunday of Advent. We light candles in our wreath each week and do readings each day.

We continue to limit the importance of gift giving and focus on debt-free holidays. Check out my 5 Ways to Cultivate Relationships Over Stuff.

December is a time of slowing down for us. We look over the year and remember. We curl up with tea and books and candles – hygge.

We celebrate Saint Nicholas and other saints days. We don’t do Santa.

We love watching holiday movies and listening to holiday music.

We read lots of holiday books each year, adding to our library.

We celebrate the Winter Solstice with some fun traditions. We love learning new ways to celebrate and keep magic alive.

All grown-ups were once children… but only few of them remember it.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

My favorite hymns are Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming and In the Bleak Midwinter. I also love the Alabama Christmas album and Dolly Parton and The Carpenters.

We all look forward to special meals and foods to celebrate – prime rib or tenderloin, ham and twice-baked potatoes, cookies and sweet baked goods to share or have with tea. My middle daughter is usually in charge of setting the table with the pretty holiday tablecloth and great-grandma’s china and silverware. The kids love to try out new napkin folding patterns.

Some years we listen or watch The Queen’s address and the Pope’s address or Doctor Who. We almost always watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation on Christmas Eve.

Christmas doesn’t quite end on the 25th of December. We celebrate Epiphany and Candlemas. It helps to get through the dark and dreary winter days.

Christmastide is about hope and love.

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What’s your favorite part of Christmas?

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Christmas with Teens

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When my kids were young, I struggled to make holidays magical.

It was actually pretty easy because kids look for magic everywhere.

I struggled for moderation and balance. I didn’t like going into debt for one day and see all the presents discarded while they played with one simple toy for months afterwards.

I almost miss the pretty dresses and excitement leading up to Christmas morning.

Now that my kids are teens, they really don’t even remember those holidays when they were young. They don’t remember our decorations or the presents or the food or the spilled wine or my sadness, stress, and worry I felt.

The kids ask for stories of holidays when I was young or how did we celebrate in Hawaii when we lived there. I don’t gloss over anything. It helps me to talk about it.

Holidays have always been hard for me. I’ve spent many years laying a foundation of memories for my children in spite of my triggers and stresses and perfectionism.

I realize my giving up control and letting my kids do the holidays how they want has really made us all so much happier.

Over the years, I did some things right and oh, so many things wrong.

Some years, we put the tree up way early. We did this during deployment and this year with the pandemic. We need some joy.

The kids almost set up and decorate everything with very little input from me these last few years. I stand back in awe. They work together like clockwork. The kids even set up the lights and animal decorations outside.

We began traditions years ago that have stayed with us and we all look forward to St. Nicholas’ Day and Hanukkah latkes each year.

My teens love to bake and they’re old enough now that I come home from errands or appointments to a lovely walnut pound cake or pumpernickel bread or a new cookie recipe.

My middle daughters make homemade gifts – jewelry and art. I am impressed by their creativity.

My son has always helped me with the gift wrapping. I find it interesting that his sisters have never really expressed interest.

I love seeing the pride on their faces that they did these wonderful magical things for our family. They are making great memories.

I love watching holiday movies with my kids. They still love the fun family favorites and we’re adding new traditions each year. There hardly seems time enough to watch everything!

We love listening to holiday music and find some fun and unique play lists during our pizza making each week.

I still read aloud every morning with our homeschool and holiday books.

My eldest moved out a month ago and we’re enjoying seeing her about once a week for a family dinner. Her siblings miss her and love playing games and watching videos with her.

Many activities we have done every year, but they just seem more special now that my teens look forward to them and even remind me. They rave about my Aunt Betty’s punch that we only have on special occasions.

They’re starting to realize and prefer the frugal activities that mean more than spending lots of money on fleeting experiences or items that won’t last.

Holiday Fun with Teens

How have your holidays changed with older kids?

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